calgaryhearts Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Here is my story: I'm a 28 year old mother of two kids under five. My husband passed away 3 years ago and I've been basically single since. I have a good friend (well he was a good friend) whom I started sleeping with about 4 months ago. We were completely friends with benefits and never talked about having a relationship. He is involved in the party scene and I knew him from my prior "crazy" life pre-children. We dated briefly many years ago. So obviously I started developing feelings for him and I started texting him more to come over and talk etc. He would only come over late at night and "do the deed" after the kids were asleep etc. He would talk to me via text all day up until about 2 weeks ago. Then things started dwindling off. The thing is, I know I have no right to care or get mad. But I'm so so hurt. We had been good friends for years up until this hook up thing started happening. Even though it was just sex, it was so intimate. Which I know sounds so stupid. I'm just so lonely. I miss him. And then I start missing my ex who passed away and start just getting so depressed. I texted him last night and he ignored me. The last time we talked was on Friday evening when he told me that he was "bad news". I texted him a few times and then the next night told him he was a jerk and not to text me. It's so childish. I just hate myself for even caring so much. I know I need to break all contact but I have such a hard time doing it. I don't even know what this rant is really about but I'm just looking for support I guess. This is making me feel hideous inside and out.
Mariposa10 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Whether this is a breakup or not is not important. You were falling for this guy that's why this is all so hard for you. You need to stop having sex with him, immediately. Please, that's the first thing you need to do. No more sex, if you get horny take care of your needs yourself. You have also been thinking about your ex, do you think maybe you're not over him yet? Maybe try healing from that loss first. I know how hard it is for single mother to date. My sister was one, but she was able to find someone, now she's engaged and super happy. I'm sorry to hear you're hurting, but the good news is that you can do something about it. Things do get better, I promise you that.
Author calgaryhearts Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you for the reply. It had been tough to date and that's why I thought the whole friends with benefits thing was okay but I was wrong! I'm going to start no contact today and hopefully keep it up. I deleted his number from my phone and he's not on my social networks anymore either. It's just hard. I'll probably be here on the boards often!
Mariposa10 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you for the reply. It had been tough to date and that's why I thought the whole friends with benefits thing was okay but I was wrong! I'm going to start no contact today and hopefully keep it up. I deleted his number from my phone and he's not on my social networks anymore either. It's just hard. I'll probably be here on the boards often! Yes, it's really hard for single mother to date. But you'll find someone. I'm glad you have decided to start NC. It'll be hard at the beginning, but it gets better. Whenever you feel like texting him again, come and vent here. We're all here for you!!
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 FWBs can be very hard. Many women equate sex with love & develop feelings for their partners. You did. Now he's backed off & it hurts. So yes I would consider it a break up. Don't feel hideous. You were lonely & wanted some comfort. He gave that to you. When you wanted more, he realized he wasn't capable of giving you what you needed & backed off. Of course that hurt you. What you need to take away from this is you're not the FWB type. Many people aren't. Lick your wounds but then pull yourself back together & move forward.
radiodarcy Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I'm sorry you are going through this. I too started a FWB relationship with someone I had been friends with for years. And he too became cold as a result. It really does such, because you would think since you started out as friends, he would understand - - or even care about how you feel. But it's as a friend of mine once said: once you go past friends, you can never really go back. I know some people won't agree with that. But at the very least it's going to be a long long time before you can even consider it. In my case, I don't think I ever can. It was just such a betrayal of my trust' especially as his actions during that time proved he was anything but a friend...
Author calgaryhearts Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you for your replies. It's true that I thought we could be FWB because we had been friends before. And yes I've realized that I'm not the FWB type. It's too hard. I've only ever had serious relationships and I'm not used to such casual behavior. This sounds so stupid when I write it (and shallow) but I feel disgustingly ugly. For a time, he made me feel beautiful and attractive again - almost like a fantasy, a break from real life. Now that's gone and I just want it back. I weigh about 20 lbs more than I did a year ago and feel gross. It's almost like I feel if I were skinnier, he'd stay. He goes after these 20 year olds who are in shape and young. I feel like a frumpy, ugly old mom. Why would he even want me?
headinthecloud Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Thank you for your replies. It's true that I thought we could be FWB because we had been friends before. And yes I've realized that I'm not the FWB type. It's too hard. I've only ever had serious relationships and I'm not used to such casual behavior. This sounds so stupid when I write it (and shallow) but I feel disgustingly ugly. For a time, he made me feel beautiful and attractive again - almost like a fantasy, a break from real life. Now that's gone and I just want it back. I weigh about 20 lbs more than I did a year ago and feel gross. It's almost like I feel if I were skinnier, he'd stay. He goes after these 20 year olds who are in shape and young. I feel like a frumpy, ugly old mom. Why would he even want me? Please stop degrading yourself. Men don't care what you look like as long they are getting some they are happy. Only the narcissistic a--holes care about how thin or tight you are (they are insecure themselves which is why they can't stand to see their insecurities in their partner). Just because he's a daft prick for not wanting more when you do doesn't have anything to do with how you look. Its likely he's a commitmentphobe and is scared about settling down at his age. Either way, it's time to work on your self esteem. You are beautiful and good enough. Don't let anyone determine your loveableness. 1
Author calgaryhearts Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 And realistically I that's right. I know my self worth is determined by his actions - It's just that "stupid" other half of my brain. I have to take my own advice and just get over it. Today is Day 2 of NC and I'm determined to stick with it. I put this app on my iPhone called Lift that you can keep records of things and I'm using it to see how many days I can go with NC. I'm pretty OCD so hopefully this will keep me on track. It's so crazy how much I can sway emotionally back and forth. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm itching to text him. I'm coming here instead of texting. I'm also texting my friend instead but I'm sure she'll get sick of me soon. I keep remembering that if I can get "get over" the death of my husband, this should be a walk in the park. But it's almost like this hurt brings back that pain too. I think I need to get some serious therapy to work through all of these things.
headinthecloud Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 (edited) Everything you're feeling is a normal part of the BU recovery process. Check out the link below for helpful tips. The rollercoaster will continue for at least a month, but it does smooth out. Reading threads and posting will help deter your thoughts in those moments. And the past scars that are now open will also heal again. You must do the work. Keep busy and get out of the house as much as you can. Give yourself time and please go NC. You obviously are not a FWB type, neither am I. So take time to heal yourself. There is a good and loyal man out there and he's waiting for you. So hurry up and get healing...no time to waste. Edited December 17, 2013 by headinthecloud 2
Mariposa10 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 And realistically I that's right. I know my self worth is determined by his actions - It's just that "stupid" other half of my brain. I have to take my own advice and just get over it. Today is Day 2 of NC and I'm determined to stick with it. I put this app on my iPhone called Lift that you can keep records of things and I'm using it to see how many days I can go with NC. I'm pretty OCD so hopefully this will keep me on track. It's so crazy how much I can sway emotionally back and forth. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm itching to text him. I'm coming here instead of texting. I'm also texting my friend instead but I'm sure she'll get sick of me soon. I keep remembering that if I can get "get over" the death of my husband, this should be a walk in the park. But it's almost like this hurt brings back that pain too. I think I need to get some serious therapy to work through all of these things. Yes, we're here for you!! Exercising help a lot too!!! It clears you mind. 2
headinthecloud Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I found this site really helpful as well. Topics of Breakup Recovery Guide 1
Author calgaryhearts Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 So I broke NC and texted him and of course I got no response. I did it without thinking really - it was super impulsive and I hate myself for it now. I guess all I can do is pick my heart off the floor and start NC again. Thank you for your replies and resources. I'm going to read the links now. It hurts so much looking at my phone and seeing no text messages. It's like a punch in the stomach each time. It's almost worth changing my number over. But I can't do that for work reasons.
Mariposa10 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 So I broke NC and texted him and of course I got no response. I did it without thinking really - it was super impulsive and I hate myself for it now. I guess all I can do is pick my heart off the floor and start NC again. Thank you for your replies and resources. I'm going to read the links now. It hurts so much looking at my phone and seeing no text messages. It's like a punch in the stomach each time. It's almost worth changing my number over. But I can't do that for work reasons. Don't worry about it, but learn from it. Don't do it again. I know what you mean when you said it was impulsive. I've felt that. But, please, don't do it again. Come up with a routine or something. Set some small goals. Keep yourself busy. 1
radiodarcy Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Thank you for your replies. It's true that I thought we could be FWB because we had been friends before. And yes I've realized that I'm not the FWB type. It's too hard. I've only ever had serious relationships and I'm not used to such casual behavior. This sounds so stupid when I write it (and shallow) but I feel disgustingly ugly. For a time, he made me feel beautiful and attractive again - almost like a fantasy, a break from real life. Now that's gone and I just want it back. I weigh about 20 lbs more than I did a year ago and feel gross. It's almost like I feel if I were skinnier, he'd stay. He goes after these 20 year olds who are in shape and young. I feel like a frumpy, ugly old mom. Why would he even want me? I'm not FWB material either. It's annoying because I always have friends tell me I just need to try it more and then I'll get used to it. Well no. I don't. I know who I am and what I can and can't handle and that's just not something I can do. It's called knowing my limits and respecting them. As for your weight - - the guy I did FWB with didn't really take notice of me until after I had lost 60 pounds. Then he started pursuing me, and one thing led to another me. But one he "got" me, he would criticize my appearance; saying stuff like: "you could stand to tighten up a little here" or "why don't you be the girl you are and wear more form-fitting clothes and make up"? No matter what I looked like he still wasn't happy with me. Because he wasn't happy with himself. So he projected his insecurities on to me. So while your ex FWB may chase after the young girls, that doesn't mean they're the "better" choice. Most likely means he's not ready for a serious relationship and would rather go after women based on their surface appearance as opposed to getting to know them for who they are. 2
Author calgaryhearts Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Thank you for your replies. Today is a new day and I'm starting fresh with NC. I've been reading older posts and the links you shared and they give me hope. I'll be honest, part of me hopes he'll contact me after I ignore him for a couple weeks, but I know that's not the reason I should do it - I need to do NC to heal myself. I need to do it for myself and start fresh. It's hard to accept that reality. I never really thought we'd end up together, as we were so different. We are both the same age but we are at such different spots in our lives. I've gone through marriage, death, children, etc. He hasn't had a committed relationship for years. Prior to us hooking up, he would tell me that he wanted a life like mine, that he was done with partying and dating young girls, etc. But as soon as I was there in front of him, he ran away. The funny part was that I never bugged him to commit. What I did do, however, was expect him to text me back or call me back. And he did for a long time, but then it stopped. He also started obsessively working on a new project and said that the life of the company depended on him, etc. He also would tell me while we were "doing the deed" that I was the only one and blah blah. Part of me wonders what the hell I did wrong, but I know realistically that it has to do with him. A good friend of mine has told me that he is too immature to have a relationship with responsibilities. I think he just wants to have fun. I think a lot of it is my ego. My ego hurts from being not wanted. It just hurts, a lot. I was physically abused as a child and given up at 9 years old. I bounced around between foster homes and was finally raised by an aunt until I was 18 and moved out. I know there are huge abandonment issues that I need to resolve but therapy and counselling is so expensive. It's tough!
jennysuzie Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Hi You were kind enough to post on my problems so I will do the same for you You sound like an amazingly strong and capable person, so don't beat yourself up over this guy. I don't know anyone who has gone through what you have at your age. You should be proud of yourself. We all have basic needs and wants and this guy fulfilled them for you for a short time. As others have pointed out, men don't think the same way women do over these things! I bet in a few weeks, maybe months, you will be able to reflect on this period of your life without the urge to contact him. Take it a day at a time.
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