Three of Swords Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Life is just one big nasty circle! First my marriage of 27 years ends after a ten year death spiral. Then, I fall for someone else, and he doesn't want me. Today I checked my e-mail. And now I have ANOTHER problem. Quick synopsis of the history here. In my graduation year in high school I was in love with this fellow. The relationship wasn't very smooth and I used to talk to his best buddy about it. The best buddy and I were friends. There was no attraction on my side whatsoever. Well the best buddy moved away and furthermore, the love relationship ended. Never heard from the buddy again. Fast forward to two years ago. I logged on to the local high school alumni site and saw the best buddy's email address. E-mailed him - hi, remember me, etc. No motive other than nostalgia, to see how he was doing, etc. We kept in touch over the last two years through sporadic e-mails. Nothing overly personal - just quick life updates. When hubby and I separated, I updated best buddy on that as well. On a trip home in the late fall, I stopped by in the town where he lives. Had about a 45 minute casually neutral buddy type of visit and then had to carry on. More emails passed between us since. Latest - brief Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We also chat from time to time on MSN. Today's email wasn't soo neutral. Apparently the best buddy had a significant crush on me, but was too shy to do anything about it - and I really never knew about it. And he alluded that perhaps we were in each other's lives for a reason (hint, hint). I don't have those types of feelings for him. Eeck - this is the SAME thing that the person who recently tore my heart into pieces said. Nasty deja vu I haven't responded. As I know how crushed I have been with being rejected, how can I respond to this nicely? I don't want to hurt anyone here and I don't want to give false hope either. I am just sick about this turn of events. Help! (Ain't life grand.)
moimeme Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Say that it's unfortunate, but you only wanted to continue with him as pals and have not changed that intention. Be kind in turning him down, but make it clear that your interest is friendly only.
dyermaker Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 (Alanis Morrisette - you didn't know about ironic) Agreed. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35434
Author Three of Swords Posted January 4, 2005 Author Posted January 4, 2005 Originally posted by dyermaker Agreed. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35434 Cute! (Another overused word). Thanks for linking that - gave me a laugh So tell me did I use the hated word 'ironic' incorrectly then? (I got lost in the thread.) BTW - will be a kind as I possible can. Guess I was just looking for a script to follow. Laziness on top of lethargy.
djones Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Hey 3 of swords, Yeah I agree with the rest of the posters, just tell him that you just think of him as a friend and that you are flattered that he has a crush on you, just say its real sweet of you but you dont feel that away and you just want to be friends. Just try to be kind, I know whats it like to have a crush on someone and they dont feel the same, but its better that he knows now than to prolong it....take care
KaiaMahina Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 Three of Swords, all I can say is that I commend you for being so compassionate despite your own difficulties. Do you know how many people would take this opportunity to get a "little of their own back" for some cheap and cruel ego gratification with a mean-spirited rejection? And how many others would involve this man in a hopeless fling just to bolster their damaged self-confidence, and keep the loneliness at bay? He's got a good friend in you, whether he will realize it or not when you let him down easy.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 (Alanis Morrisette - you didn't know about ironic) Jesus... TBXWW and I listened to that very album over and over again on our Honeymoon. Little did I know at that point that she'd already had one A and would be embarking on another within about 6 weeks. Pretty good album... too bad I can't listen to it anymore.
7on Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 What guys want last is to be let down easy. If you have no interest in him be firm and honest. Trying to be nice will probably ultimately end up confusing him. Saying "Sorry, I have no interest in you in that way." is a lot better than, "Say, let's just be friends -ok?" I know I'd like a clear cut answer rather than a shady answer. Even if it meant me crying in bed for a month. Shady answers get you no-where.
Author Three of Swords Posted January 8, 2005 Author Posted January 8, 2005 Well - unfortunately I had already replied to the fellow before you posted 7on - and he got the let's be friends message. I really really tried to be kind and I think I succeeded. But I haven't heard from him since. I totally understand though if he never contacts again. This experience did make me realize that my hope is wasted on the one that doesn't want me though. He likely will never change his mind. And dam^ it, now I HAVE to move on. And that makes me sad.
jellybean Posted January 8, 2005 Posted January 8, 2005 Geez, I find this thread interesting...and I can't stop thinking about what KaiaMahina says : Originally posted by KaiaMahina Do you know how many people would take this opportunity to get a "little of their own back" for some cheap and cruel ego gratification with a mean-spirited rejection? And how many others would involve this man in a hopeless fling just to bolster their damaged self-confidence, and keep the loneliness at bay? Here are my thoughts (actually maybe I should even start a new thread on this subject)... Okay here we go...what if the reason many of us have been CRUELLY dumped is because the dumper was in a sense trying to 'balance the scales'??? What if the reason they were so HEARTLESS about it is because they themselves suffered fom repeated rejections or excruciating pain from a brutal breakup, and now in their minds it's 'payback time'???!!! I can't stop thinking about this possibility...anyone else?
Author Three of Swords Posted January 8, 2005 Author Posted January 8, 2005 If the reason people become dumpers is to 'balance the scale', then the world is f*cked. Cause at some point we all get dumped. I have been both the dumper and the dumpee. And both roles leave me miserable. I think if anything, being dumped has made me more compassionate if/when it comes time to do the dumping.
KaiaMahina Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 Jellybean, I definitely thought about that possibility with the ex-fiance. He was dumped (brutally) by his wife of 19 years, lost everything he had in the divorce and went into an emotional and financial tailspin. First real girlfriend he had after all this cheated on him, expected a great deal of money being spent on her (to which he stupidly complied) and then dumped him. TWICE. I dunno...I don't think this was his main motivation for dumping me, but let's face it...he would far rather dump me and feel like a man in control of his destiny than wait around for me to either dump or divorce him -- which was something he feared. I'm sure he feels a little vindication in cutting me loose before I could do it to him, and I'm sure he probably feels, in some strange way, that he got a little payback in the sense that his wounded self-esteem had a bit of patchwork. For once, he was the one walking away instead of being walked on. Who knows what really goes on in another person's head?
ion Posted January 10, 2005 Posted January 10, 2005 I think past experiences with breakups does effect a person to a good deal and in a sense there is some redistributing of being dumped then dumping the other person, of leaving before the other person leaves, etc... Isn't that called baggage? Hopefully people learn and change.
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