ponchsox Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I'm reading the book "No more Mr. Nice guy" and it's really hitting home as to why my last relationship might have failed. Although it wasn't a good situation for me, I bent over backwards to appease her even if it meant doing something I didn't want to do. No surprise, I always left feeling empty and unappreciated. Maybe she lost respect for me because I never said no. I'm not going to be a jerk, but I have learn this appeasing others crap is only hurting myself. I'm going to look at things a little different next time.
lauri Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I'm reading the book "No more Mr. Nice guy" and it's really hitting home as to why my last relationship might have failed. Although it wasn't a good situation for me, I bent over backwards to appease her even if it meant doing something I didn't want to do. No surprise, I always left feeling empty and unappreciated. Maybe she lost respect for me because I never said no. I'm not going to be a jerk, but I have learn this appeasing others crap is only hurting myself. I'm going to look at things a little different next time. Hey dude, Another great book to read is called "The System" by Doc Love. It breaks down how you always need to be a challenge, have self control and confidence. I was never "too nice" but I realized that sometimes I made huge mistakes in the relationship and will be sure to not make them again in the upcoming future. I wouldn't look at it that you need to be a "jerk" but it is great that you are realizing the mistakes you made in your past relationship. This is the best way for you to continue evolving as a person. When Ms.Right comes along, you'll be 100% ready to take her on and kept her interested. No one girl wants a guy with no backbone. Just remember do these improvements for yourself rather then your ex girlfriend - she had her chance and now it's time for some new girl to be amazed by the new and improved you .
Haydn Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I think everyone we meet is going to be different. Need different things appreciate us in a different way. I would not read to much into being a challenge . I would never change myself the way i did before. I like being a good guy. Does not mean i finish 2nd just means the last girl was not the one. PS. I also have a hellish side to! 5
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Going to get both of those books as I am with you guys. Wasn't a doormat, but definitely too accommodating to her needs and wants while mine were never her concern. Never...
Mariposa10 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I think everyone we meet is going to be different. Need different things appreciate us in a different way. I would not read to much into being a challenge . I would never change myself the way i did before. I like being a good guy. Does not mean i finish 2nd just means the last girl was not the one. PS. I also have a hellish side to! Yes, please don't change. All I want in this world is to find a good man I have chemistry with. Anyway, this book sounds super silly and sexist. 5
lauri Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I think everyone we meet is going to be different. Need different things appreciate us in a different way. I would not read to much into being a challenge . I would never change myself the way i did before. I like being a good guy. Does not mean i finish 2nd just means the last girl was not the one. PS. I also have a hellish side to! 100% every person we meet will be different. However, we tend to have similar trends when it comes to love and interest. I mean for example, look at this forum. Do you see how many similar stories occur? I don't mean to change who you are! I mean be a challenge in the sense say the "No" word sometimes, stand up for yourself and be a MAN. A woman interest level is raised by someone who intrigues her, keeps her on her toes, etc. I don't like games and I'm not suggesting to play it, but you need to look at the word "challenge" in a different context. By changing yourself for a girl you aren't a challenge, you are the ultimate anti-challenge IMO.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I'm reading the book "No more Mr. Nice guy" and it's really hitting home as to why my last relationship might have failed. Although it wasn't a good situation for me, I bent over backwards to appease her even if it meant doing something I didn't want to do. No surprise, I always left feeling empty and unappreciated. Maybe she lost respect for me because I never said no. I'm not going to be a jerk, but I have learn this appeasing others crap is only hurting myself. I'm going to look at things a little different next time. Recovering "nice guy" here. I read the book several years ago and it is great, especially if you are starting a self-awareness journey where you are trying to figure out what you really want and want to live more authentically. 2
Author ponchsox Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 All you have to do, is when you do something for another person, or appease their nature, ask yourself "does this effect mein a negative way?" If it doesn't, go for it. If it does, second guess it. These books just tell you to be an arse... stupid. No, they don't tell you to be an arse. They tell us boundaries are good and it's ok to say "no" every once in awhile. Do you know that person who won't say no to anyone and gets used for it? I do. 2
GoodOnPaper Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Yes, please don't change. All I want in this world is to find a good man I have chemistry with. Anyway, this book sounds super silly and sexist. One of the biggest problems "nice guys" have is generating and maintaining chemistry with women. The idea in the book is that being more authentic and standing up for what you want actually enhances chemistry.
Haydn Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Lauri, i wouldn`t describe myself as a push over. The last ex was the worst break up ever for me. Because i did indeed stop being myself in order to please her needs, desires fears and all in all general madness! All my other relationships had none of the problems i had with the last ex! She was a bit of a dandy i would say. But dont worry loads of women chase me!!!!!!!!! 100% every person we meet will be different. However, we tend to have similar trends when it comes to love and interest. I mean for example, look at this forum. Do you see how many similar stories occur? I don't mean to change who you are! I mean be a challenge in the sense say the "No" word sometimes, stand up for yourself and be a MAN. A woman interest level is raised by someone who intrigues her, keeps her on her toes, etc. I don't like games and I'm not suggesting to play it, but you need to look at the word "challenge" in a different context. By changing yourself for a girl you aren't a challenge, you are the ultimate anti-challenge IMO.
lauri Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 One of the biggest problems "nice guys" have is generating and maintaining chemistry with women. The idea in the book is that being more authentic and standing up for what you want actually enhances chemistry. Exactly. Learning to stand up for yourself and do what you want is not changing yourself. It is being who you are and not going out of your way to appease a girl. This will ultimately weed out girls who are "not compatible" with you and will allow you to focus your time on someone who ultimately accepts you for you. 2
Haydn Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Is chemistry not natural? Its either there or its not? Just my humble opinion.......... Exactly. Learning to stand up for yourself and do what you want is not changing yourself. It is being who you are and not going out of your way to appease a girl. This will ultimately weed out girls who are "not compatible" with you and will allow you to focus your time on someone who ultimately accepts you for you. 1
InnocentMan Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Bad relationships happen to everyone, even *******s. Same with break-ups. Thinking that you're a 'nice guy', and wondering why she could possibly have left you is just self-pity in disguise. Just be who you are, and don't waste a dime on books that are no better that pop psychology, designed to make money, not help you. The problem with so called nice guys, is they miss all the warning signs, in the belief that they will never be left , because they are so 'nice'. It's arrogance, bordering on stupidity. The most successful type of men with women are not bad boys. They are chameleons. 4
Haydn Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Thats pretty deep, does it have to be deep? I mean 99% of the time i am myself, cannot change that and usually it works quite well. I think the definition of nice is slightly blurred...........Being nice does not mean you should take a lot of bollocks. But we all learn i guess. I did. Bad relationships happen to everyone, even *******s. Same with break-ups. Thinking that you're a 'nice guy', and wondering why she could possibly have left you is just self-pity in disguise. Just be who you are, and don't waste a dime on books that are no better that pop psychology, designed to make money, not help you. The problem with so called nice guys, is they miss all the warning signs, in the belief that they will never be left , because they are so 'nice'. It's arrogance, bordering on stupidity. The most successful type of men with women are not bad boys. They are chameleons.
Grumpybutfun Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Although it wasn't a good situation for me, I bent over backwards to appease her even if it meant doing something I didn't want to do. No surprise, I always left feeling empty and unappreciated. Maybe she lost respect for me because I never said no. ponchsox: You weren't a nice guy, you were a doormat. Big difference. Nice guys are just that...nice. They still have boundaries and expect to be heard and respected. They are treated as an equal or they leave the relationship. Go ahead and read the book, but it is common sense that no one wants to be with someone who seems like a doormat. G 3
yorkie Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 why change who you are? we all say once an ex moves on that they have changed! we are who we are and you know what since i split with my ex id hate the idea of her changing and yes alot of people who knew us both said she changed for the worse. also i have had alot of attention for me being myself! be true to yourself! yes improve things but be yourself 1
Never Again Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Is chemistry not natural? Its either there or its not? Just my humble opinion.......... Initial chemistry is natural, but this only lasts as long as the "honeymoon period". After that, it takes a conscious effort on both sides to maintain it, but most people don't realize this. Not to mention, sh*t happens. Stress takes over and sometimes chemistry fades. I've always thought that was natural. It ebbs and flows...and honestly, I LIKE it when the chemistry fades. Chemistry is an illusion. That attraction keeps people together when they're wildly incompatible...but people want it SO badly that they leave compatible, loving partners to find chemistry again. It's a shame, but it's hard to combat biology. We attempt to prolong it instead of allowing our love and relationships to mature. Relationships are weird nowadays. It's all about maintaining that "high" and ensuring someone finds you attractive ALL the time. Chemistry naturally fades. Spontaneity, fear and anxiety can respark it. It's call the "bridge effect". If someone is constantly afraid that they'll lose you, they mistake that emotional high for attraction. Modern dating advice caters to the immature. The problem with so called nice guys, is they miss all the warning signs, in the belief that they will never be left , because they are so 'nice'. It's arrogance, bordering on stupidity. Yes and no. I think you're right, but I also think that many "nice" guys are terrified that they'll be left, so they act even more nice to keep someone around and end up being too clingy. 7
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Many interesting points in this thread. I like it!! I'm still planning on reading these as well as many others. I don't judge before hand, but rather read first then make judgement. Hell, on eBay, most of these books are only $4 or $5...
Author ponchsox Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 why change who you are? we all say once an ex moves on that they have changed! we are who we are and you know what since i split with my ex id hate the idea of her changing and yes alot of people who knew us both said she changed for the worse. also i have had alot of attention for me being myself! be true to yourself! yes improve things but be yourself I'm not changing who I am. We weren't compatible. But I also have taken time to self reflect and see where I can improve. I'm still going to be a nice guy, but I'm not going to compromise on key things again. 1
NYC-BigKat Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I'm reading the book "No more Mr. Nice guy" and it's really hitting home as to why my last relationship might have failed. Although it wasn't a good situation for me, I bent over backwards to appease her even if it meant doing something I didn't want to do. No surprise, I always left feeling empty and unappreciated. Maybe she lost respect for me because I never said no. I'm not going to be a jerk, but I have learn this appeasing others crap is only hurting myself. I'm going to look at things a little different next time. I'm a really really nice guy & always been rejected by girls but what can I do u know? Its not in my nature to turn into a creep.
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Does that not suggest that they are rubbish? Meh... Not categorically... Like I said. I will read the material first. Then judge. I have come across many useful nuggets by reading and absorbing lots and lots of material. 1
lino Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 You don't really need books for this. Remember all the things your mother and teachers told you to do for girls when you were younger in order to be a 'gentleman'? DONT DO ANY OF THEM. Be the guy that your friend is, who all the girls call a douche bag or a$shole but then run to and open their legs for. 1
Mariposa10 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 You don't really need books for this. Remember all the things your mother and teachers told you to do for girls when you were younger in order to be a 'gentleman'? DONT DO ANY OF THEM. Be the guy that your friend is, who all the girls call a douche bag or a$shole but then run to and open their legs for. Why not try to be a decent human being? 4
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Be the guy that your friend is, who all the girls call a douche bag or a$shole but then run to and open their legs for. LOL!!! Maybe if I was trying to bang as much as possible. But, now, just trying to meet a good one and be in a caring, committed RS... 1
lauri Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I'm a really really nice guy & always been rejected by girls but what can I do u know? Its not in my nature to turn into a creep. Unfortunately to start you need to play your cards right. You def don't need to be an jerk or a creep...just be sure to show you are super confident and don't ever tell a girl you always get rejected lol don't worry as long as you keep trying and putting yourself out there you'll get lucky.
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