sundaytrains Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Hi there! This is my first post - I really feel like I could use some advice and guidance! I'm 22 and have been in a relationship for 1.5 years with my wonderful boyfriend (also 22). I feel like we're a perfect match, and we've talked about spending the rest of our lives together. We spend all of our time together, and we spend every night with each other so it's basically like we've been living with each other for a little over a year at this point (although we both live at home). The only problem is is family - or parts of his family, I should say. His parents are divorced, and he lives with his mom and older sister (who is 25). His dad & stepmother really like me, and so does his older brother & his girlfriend who have moved out. So it's mainly his mom and sister who don't seem to take to me very well. They've always seemed to have small problems with me from the start (I'm too quiet, too shy, not friendly enough, etc ...) but they've never confronted me with anything and I hear this through my bf. They both have issues with depression, which affects their behavior. It got a lot worse after his birthday six months ago. My birthday came first in our relationship and he had planned a full day of activities. It was wonderful, and I wanted to do the same for him. I asked if there were any family traditions to be mindful of, but he said no. At one point, his mom and sister asked if there was room for a family dinner in my plans and I said yes. But no plans were made by them and both of them worked late that evening, so it didn't happen. They didn't make any other plans for any other days either. All I wanted was to give my boyfriend a wonderful birthday like he had done for me, and it was a great day - but about two weeks later he told me that his mom and sister were upset with me. I apologized about this in June after it happened, but they're still upset. (I wish I was exaggerating, but they still complain about it to my bf.) Ever since, it feels like I hear one complaint after another about my behavior. After the birthday, in the summer whenever we'd go out we would try to include his sister. When she would come, I would try and be friendly with her since we do have a bit of things in common. She was often a little reserved and downcast, and wouldn't really pick up any of the conversations I would try and have with her. Despite this, she later told my bf that she thought I was excluding her from everything on these outings. Because of these complaints from both his mom and sister, I really tried my best at Thanksgiving to be friendly with everyone. But when we went, it was just us 4 and both of them were really, really sullen. I was the only one making conversation. Later, I heard that they had problems with me then - they didn't like what I was talking about (it was just about some photography jobs I had done recently), that they thought I only talked to my bf, etc ... I had also brought a pie for dessert, and they just complained while eating it. My bf brought this up (as well as the lack of gratitude towards me for bringing dessert to dinner) when they were talking about me later, and his sister said I only do those sort of things for attention. Which I don't think I do. (I bake occasionally, and when I do, I save some for them and bring it over. But they're usually not home when I do that, so I just leave it on the counter with a note for them. I've never gotten a thank-you the numerous times I've done this and I don't expect from them or do it for that purpose anyways.) Recently, there have been some problems with his mom's family back in Germany (where she's from), so it's been stressful for them. Because of this, his mom said there might not be a get-together at Christmas. They usually have dinner/exchange gifts on Christmas Eve, and I went last year when things were calmer between everyone and I really enjoyed myself. I spent a lot of time picking out nice gifts for his whole family at the end of November, and have been looking forward to it as a way to do something positive for them. I offered to do all of the organizing and cooking of the food if it was too stressful for his mom, since I thought it would be good for the family to be together even more so. She said she was fine, and that there would be a celebration like last year. It was arranged that I would bring a cake for dessert again. Just this morning, my bf told me that his mom had said to him that this year, they're not "entertaining guests" and that I'm no longer invited. This really hurt me. His older brother's girlfriend is out of the country this Christmas, but she's always been welcome, as have his sister's short-term boyfriends who also haven't been well-liked or even well-known by the rest of the family. I don't want to seem like I think I should be able to come to whatever family event I want to, but I was welcome last year and have offered to help in whatever way I can. I won't be able to give them my gifts in person now, either. (I also work front desk at a hotel, where it's hard to get time off especially at the holidays, but I managed to get Christmas Eve.) My bf said his mom was still going to think about it, but even if an invitation is once again extended, I don't feel like I should go even then. My bf is really upset about this, too. He's really sweet and wonderful, and always stands up for me and "takes my side" since they do all their complaining to him when I'm not around to defend myself. He's told me he'll stick with me, but it's hard on him and I don't want him to be stuck in the middle. I've tried for the past months to 'kill them with kindness' and it hasn't worked, and it's not in me to be rude and angry with them (I don't think that would work either, lol). I just don't know what to do about this. My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married in the future, so I'm sticking around. I want everyone to get along, and I've run out of ideas! Sorry for the long post. Any guidance is appreciated!!
StanMusial Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I stopped reading when you said you both live at home AND spend every night together. Whose home? Care to explain on that some? 1
Zahara Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 You both live at home but spend every night together? How does that work? I'm confused. 1
Author sundaytrains Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Sorry about the confusion! Last winter, I spent most nights at his family's house, but since things are tense now, we mostly spend nights at mine.
StanMusial Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Sorry about the confusion! Last winter, I spent most nights at his family's house, but since things are tense now, we mostly spend nights at mine. That's the problem. I'm assuming your bf doesn't own the house. You basically moved in on top of them. 1
manders_01 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 That's the problem. I'm assuming your bf doesn't own the house. You basically moved in on top of them. That's what I was kind of thinking. These are the ladies in his life, OP, and they realize they're being replaced. There's probably not a single thing you can ever do to win them over.
Author sundaytrains Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 That's the problem. I'm assuming your bf doesn't own the house. You basically moved in on top of them. I guess that's what it sounds like. But his older brother's girlfriend moved here from Australia and lived in the house for a year and paid no rent, and there's not nearly the level of animosity directed at her. And given their love of talking about me behind my back, I figured something would've come up about that. And if they're feeling replaced, then I guess they have to work that out themselves. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it!
Leigh 87 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 In short: they are idiots. They are never going to like you, even though they have no real reason for it. Your best bet is to spend most of the time at your house with your bf, and when you do go to his place, be as nice as possible yet don't actively seek them out. Be as nice and as civil as possible. They are morons - they cannot be changed.
anna121 Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 As much as possible, you need to disengage from them and stop spending time with them until they agree to be civil and not run you down after the fact. Your boyfriend can spend part of Christmas with them. Then he should spend time with you and either your family or people like his stepfather. Do not make any further attempts to do nice things for them, i.e., cooking dinner. In this sort of situation, it tends to bring out the worst in people. Polite detachment is what you are going for. 1
Author sundaytrains Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Thanks for the advice! That sounds a little like what I've been doing so far, so I'll keep it up. Out of my hands, I suppose!
jonny walker Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 i think his sister and mom are feeling jelouse about you.they might have started thinking that you have became his priority.
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