Feeling disgusted with myself

[CrystalCastles]

Not all is lost.

 

A friend of mine has sex with a girl on the first date (and she's the one who pushed for it) and as of now, he lives with her and they've been bf/gf for 6 years. So if this guy is a total tool and used you, well better you find that out now. Everyone makes mistakes. It doesn't make you a bad person. If this guy is mature and intelligent enough to realize that, then all will be well. If not, then you avoided a bad apple.

[Leigh 87]

my boyfriend said his parents had sex on the first date and stayed together for years.

 

I had sex on about the third date with my ex and he stuck around for years.

 

 

Please don't feel disgusted in yourself.

[MalachiX]

So he text me around 4 pm and said "call you later". I responded with a simple "okay talk to you in a bit".If he doesn't call tonight, I am going to delete him from my life completely.........Right? Wrong?

 

Hmmmmm.......WRONG!!!

 

Seriously. He gets in touch with you (even though he doesn't have to if he's trying to pull a fade away) and you now decide that if everything doesn't go perfectly than you're cutting him out of your life? Really?

 

Call me crazy but I don't think you'd have done this if you guys hadn't had slept together. I think before you'd have shrugged it off and not given it a second thought. Now you're letting your insecurity make it all or nothing.

 

I hear a lot of women who claim that sleeping with a guy early ruins a relationship. I wonder if they ever consider that maybe they're ruining it by letting early sex make them insecure. You sleep with a guy then ASSUME he's going to judge you so you start acting cold/distant and interpretting everything to mean that he was just using you for sex. The guy senses your distrust of him so he assumes you're not that interested and moves on. Then, you say, "I knew it! He didn't like me because I slept with him!!!" See the problem here?

 

I'm not saying that there aren't guys who will judge you for having sex early. There are and they're d-bags who aren't worth your time.

 

What I'm saying is that you can easily ruin a good thing by acting like it was wrong of you to sleep with this guy so soon. By expecting the worst from him you're putting out a very negative energy which isn't attractive. Insecurity isn't attractive either. I slept with one GF on our third (or forth) date (not counting a ton of times we hung out over lunch or in other non-date like settings). We were together for three years but she kept saying she didn't think I respected her because she slept with me too soon. That drove me nuts because I was always interested in something long term with her and didn't appreciate it when she suggested I was just looking for sex. If I had been, I wouldn't have stayed with her for three years.

 

Treat him just as though you would have before you had sex. That's all you need to do. If he pulls away then that's life.

[Cinnimon]

Okay, update. He called me. Said I had told him I was having dinner at my friends house last night and took that as I didn't want him to call me last night. Which I did tell him, but not meaning he shouldn't call me. Apparently it was just a misunderstanding.

He and I talked a little about the hookup on Saturday night and he said he had a great time but was very drunk too and it just happened, he said he wasn't sorry it happened and he had hoped I was okay with it and also hoped I was not sorry it happened either. He then asked me if I would like to have dinner with him on Wednesday evening and go Christmas shopping with him on Thursday. I told him yes I would like to do both, but this time NO SAKI SHOTS . He laughed and agreed and then jokingly said well maybe just one shot?

[Cinnimon]

Hmmmmm.......WRONG!!!

 

Seriously. He gets in touch with you (even though he doesn't have to if he's trying to pull a fade away) and you now decide that if everything doesn't go perfectly than you're cutting him out of your life? Really?

 

Call me crazy but I don't think you'd have done this if you guys hadn't had slept together. I think before you'd have shrugged it off and not given it a second thought. Now you're letting your insecurity make it all or nothing.

 

I hear a lot of women who claim that sleeping with a guy early ruins a relationship. I wonder if they ever consider that maybe they're ruining it by letting early sex make them insecure. You sleep with a guy then ASSUME he's going to judge you so you start acting cold/distant and interpretting everything to mean that he was just using you for sex. The guy senses your distrust of him so he assumes you're not that interested and moves on. Then, you say, "I knew it! He didn't like me because I slept with him!!!" See the problem here?

 

I'm not saying that there aren't guys who will judge you for having sex early. There are and they're d-bags who aren't worth your time.

 

What I'm saying is that you can easily ruin a good thing by acting like it was wrong of you to sleep with this guy so soon. By expecting the worst from him you're putting out a very negative energy which isn't attractive. Insecurity isn't attractive either. I slept with one GF on our third (or forth) date (not counting a ton of times we hung out over lunch or in other non-date like settings). We were together for three years but she kept saying she didn't think I respected her because she slept with me too soon. That drove me nuts because I was always interested in something long term with her and didn't appreciate it when she suggested I was just looking for sex. If I had been, I wouldn't have stayed with her for three years.

 

Treat him just as though you would have before you had sex. That's all you need to do. If he pulls away then that's life.

 

The reason why I said I was going to delete him was based on him telling me he would call me and not do so two nights in a row. It seemed odd to me that we had been in contact nightly for several nights and days until the hookup and then he stops. If he doesn't want to call or stay in contact okay, but I didn't appreciate being told i'm going to call you tonight and then blown off. That was my point. If he had done this prior to the date, I would have deleted him as well.

[jonny walker]

I dnt think you have done anything wrong by having sex on first date.afterall sex is sex weather on first date or on 10th date but more important is it should be with the one u love .

[Ruffian1]

Your attitude is all wrong.

 

Any guy who judges you for sex he particapates in is a d-bag and you shouldn't have anything to do with him.

 

You got drunk which may not have been the best idea but so what? That's not the end of the world. Feeling terrible about yourself isn't attractive and won't help you make good choices in relationships.

 

Stop worry about sleeping with him so soon and just treat this like any other relationship. You don't want to scare him off by making him think you have self-esteem issues.

 

If he is a nice guy then he won't judge you. If he isn't then you've lost nothing but another d-bag

 

^^this

 

It happened. Can't go back now. Just make the best of it. We are all human. Sh*t happens that does not normally happen when alcohol is involved. If you do start dating this man, make sure you do not let him disrespect you and treat you like you are a hook-up or something.

I am not saying he will but just be honest how you feel about what happened (without putting yourself down). Show him you are a confident, independent woman that deals with what life throws your way.

[Iguanna]

Any guy who judges you for sex he particapates in is a d-bag and you shouldn't have anything to do with him.

 

If he is a nice guy then he won't judge you. If he isn't then you've lost nothing but another d-bag.

 

While I don't disagree, I want to comment though that there are many things that women are "allowed" to do while men aren't and the opposite. For example how would you judge a guy who cried on the first date? And now how would you judge a girl? The answer is not the same. Guys and girls are equal alright but not the same. I won't argue if this mentality is good or bad, I will just say that it exists and I don't know how prepared we are to "change the world".

[d0nnivain]

Okay, update. He called me. Said I had told him I was having dinner at my friends house last night and took that as I didn't want him to call me last night. Which I did tell him, but not meaning he shouldn't call me. Apparently it was just a misunderstanding.

He and I talked a little about the hookup on Saturday night and he said he had a great time but was very drunk too and it just happened, he said he wasn't sorry it happened and he had hoped I was okay with it and also hoped I was not sorry it happened either. He then asked me if I would like to have dinner with him on Wednesday evening and go Christmas shopping with him on Thursday. I told him yes I would like to do both, but this time NO SAKI SHOTS . He laughed and agreed and then jokingly said well maybe just one shot?

 

 

All's well. He called. You talked. He said the right things & made appropriate jokes. All that angst for nothing.

 

 

Go have fun & stay sober.

[Zahara]

Okay, update. He called me. Said I had told him I was having dinner at my friends house last night and took that as I didn't want him to call me last night. Which I did tell him, but not meaning he shouldn't call me. Apparently it was just a misunderstanding.

He and I talked a little about the hookup on Saturday night and he said he had a great time but was very drunk too and it just happened, he said he wasn't sorry it happened and he had hoped I was okay with it and also hoped I was not sorry it happened either. He then asked me if I would like to have dinner with him on Wednesday evening and go Christmas shopping with him on Thursday. I told him yes I would like to do both, but this time NO SAKI SHOTS . He laughed and agreed and then jokingly said well maybe just one shot?

 

You're just going to detest saki moving forward!

 

Go and have fun . And stay off the alcohol, at least for now.

[rocketman122]

So here go's. I met a guy online through a dating site. Just so happens we actually knew each other from school many years ago. We talked via the site for a few weeks and then started speaking by phone and set up a date.

Went on the date, went to a Chinese place where they cook the food in front of you. There were 3 other couples at the table that were very nice and fun and they kept buying Saki shots for everyone. My date had also bought wine for us. Okay so we ended up drinking A LOT, not my norm so I ended up completely lit very quick. We were having so much fun that I didn't realize how intoxicated I was until it was to late. After dinner we went to his house and well we had sex. I don't really remember it to well but I do know we did. I woke up in bed with him and quickly thought wth did I just do?!?!

Anyway, he took me home a few hours after we awoke and had some coffee and aspirins.

After I got home and told him thank you for dinner, that I had a great time and wished him a good day. He never responded back until 6 hours later. He called and asked me how I was and told me he had spent the day sleeping it off, and was now out running errands and asked if he could call me later in the evening before he went to bed. I told him yes, that would be fine. He never called.

I'm hoping our drunken sex night didn't ruin this as I really do like him. I don't normally sleep with a guy on the first date nor get so intoxicated that I can't even remember anything.

I really am disgusted with myself. I don't even know if I should pursue this or let it go. Anyone ever had this happen? Advice ??

 

 

But you have done it in the past? how did those turn out?

[MalachiX]

While I don't disagree, I want to comment though that there are many things that women are "allowed" to do while men aren't and the opposite. For example how would you judge a guy who cried on the first date? And now how would you judge a girl? The answer is not the same. Guys and girls are equal alright but not the same. I won't argue if this mentality is good or bad, I will just say that it exists and I don't know how prepared we are to "change the world".

 

I'm prepared to say it's BS for a guy to judge a woman for sex her participated in. If you really want to stick up for hypocricy because you don't like some other double standards, knock yourself out. That just seems a pretty foolish way to look at the world.

[Iguanna]

I'm prepared to say it's BS for a guy to judge a woman for sex her participated in. If you really want to stick up for hypocricy because you don't like some other double standards, knock yourself out. That just seems a pretty foolish way to look at the world.

 

Maybe you are right but I have no will to change the world. Sometimes we just have to follow the rules rather than be the rebels who want to change them. After all these rules are made by people. I know it doesn't sound right and I would love if all of us could just do whatever we like, but this is not doable I'm afraid. You can rebel all you want. A woman can sleep with a different man every night, it's her right. But she can't expect not to be judged for her actions. I wish we lived in a world where nobody would judge anyone for their actions, but that's not the case. :S

[MalachiX]

Maybe you are right but I have no will to change the world. Sometimes we just have to follow the rules rather than be the rebels who want to change them. After all these rules are made by people. I know it doesn't sound right and I would love if all of us could just do whatever we like, but this is not doable I'm afraid. You can rebel all you want. A woman can sleep with a different man every night, it's her right. But she can't expect not to be judged for her actions. I wish we lived in a world where nobody would judge anyone for their actions, but that's not the case. :S

 

People blame "the world" or "the rules" when they're too afraid to take responsability for their own predjudices. It's a coward's way of holding onto the double standards that benefit your own select group.

 

You can justify your sexism all you want but it's still sexism. Sorry.

 

You can also pretend that it's the norm and any one who disagrees is a radical rebel because that makes the alternative sound so extreme that you can dismiss it. It's a game you're playing and I think everyone knows it. You're totally capable of trying to treat people with the same standards but you don't want to and you're trying to somehow make that society's fault.

 

It's no different than people who went along with segregation because they wanted to "follow the rules." That changed, despite the people who fought against it and the people who did nothing.

 

You don't have to change the world. Just yourself and your own standards. And if you can't even muster the courage to say, "hey, this is wrong," I don't know why you'd ever expect a woman or anyone else to give you the time of day.

[regine_phalange]

He should be the one posting here and being disgusted with himself, since he slept with a drunk woman! I don't like his morals, don't even think about his opinion of you. We all make mistakes, accept this, forgive yourself, and move on!

[Titania22]

For example how would you judge a guy who cried on the first date? And now how would you judge a girl?

 

Who on earth would have a second date with a girl who cried on the first date?

[Cinnimon]

But you have done it in the past? how did those turn out?

 

No. First time ever.

[lino]

While I don't disagree, I want to comment though that there are many things that women are "allowed" to do while men aren't and the opposite. For example how would you judge a guy who cried on the first date? And now how would you judge a girl? The answer is not the same. Guys and girls are equal alright but not the same. I won't argue if this mentality is good or bad, I will just say that it exists and I don't know how prepared we are to "change the world".

 

Well said.

 

A guy who doesn't pay in a first date will likely not get a 2nd one. This doesn't apply for a woman.

 

A guy who is very inexperienced or even a virgin will be very looked down upon. This doesn't apply to a woman either.

 

A woman still living with her parents is more acceptable too.

 

A guy who doesn't buy an engagement ring of enough value doesn't get married. A woman just shows up and is married.

 

The list goes on.

 

I don't mind first date sex myself and wouldn't judge a girl for it but let's be fair please... There are 494959464929 double standards in women's favour. It isn't even comparable. And blokes just have to shut up and put up, or else they are 'bitter' or 'sexist'

[lino]

I also love how they always say 'I never usually do this typef of thing'

[Cinnimon]

I also love how they always say 'I never usually do this typef of thing'

 

I was talking about sex on the first date and drinking to to the point of not being able to remember. It hadn't happened before. Love that!

[Leigh 87]

I also love how they always say 'I never usually do this typef of thing'

 

 

 

but some of us DON'T normally have sex on the first date. Or ONS to begin with.

 

 

I have had some reckless ONS before, yet I DO NOT normally conduct myself in that way. Normally I prefer relationships with men who like and respect me.

 

 

Who are you to assume a girl who does a ONS is just "that sort of women" in general?

[MalachiX]

Well said.

 

A guy who doesn't pay in a first date will likely not get a 2nd one. This doesn't apply for a woman.

 

A guy who is very inexperienced or even a virgin will be very looked down upon. This doesn't apply to a woman either.

 

A woman still living with her parents is more acceptable too.

 

A guy who doesn't buy an engagement ring of enough value doesn't get married. A woman just shows up and is married.

 

The list goes on.

 

I don't mind first date sex myself and wouldn't judge a girl for it but let's be fair please... There are 494959464929 double standards in women's favour. It isn't even comparable. And blokes just have to shut up and put up, or else they are 'bitter' or 'sexist'

 

You do kinda sound bitter and sexist. And this is coming from a guy who hates double standards no matter what gender they benefit.

 

Also, it's no picnic for a woman to be a virgin if she's not living in a third world country.

 

Also probably worth mentioning that women are much more likely to get STDs and, ya know, pregnant.

 

But hey, they deserve all every gender-related bad thing that happens to them because we have to pay for dinner.

 

but some of us DON'T normally have sex on the first date. Or ONS to begin with.

 

I have had some reckless ONS before, yet I DO NOT normally conduct myself in that way. Normally I prefer relationships with men who like and respect me.

 

Who are you to assume a girl who does a ONS is just "that sort of women" in general?

 

He's assuming for the same reason why some women on these boards assume all guys are d-bags who are going to cheat on them. People who are cynical like to embrace these BS double standards because it's a lot easier than fighting against them. It's safer.

 

It's easier to embrace the double standards the benefit you and complain about the ones that don't then it is to simply refuse to have double standards at all. Then you might not even get to enjoy the unfair things that give you a false sense of security (like men who get to judge women for promiscuity or women who judge men for not being assertive enough).

 

I actually have a lot less issues with people who are just plain ignorant. At least they're just lacking knowladge (rather than courage).

[fujidabruin]

 

People who are cynical like to embrace these BS double standards because it's a lot easier than fighting against them. It's safer.

 

It's easier to embrace the double standards that benefit you and complain about the ones that don't than it is to simply refuse to have double standards at all. Then you might not even get to enjoy the unfair things that give you a false sense of security (like men who get to judge women for promiscuity or women who judge men for not being assertive enough).

 

I actually have a lot less issues with people who are just plain ignorant. At least they're just lacking knowledge (rather than courage).

 

I like this observation..... I agree that I can find ignorance excusable since one simply does not know or cannot relate to a concept.

 

But, casting judgement on others and expressing disdain while being immersed in hypocrisy is just BS.

[fujidabruin]

Hey Cinnimon,

 

The drunken hook-up is not a capital offense, so I hope you go easy on yourself and move past the humiliation. Does not sound like either of you cheated or broke any vows, so not much harmed done unless you had been previously resolute about a life of abstinence. LOL

 

Do not recall you mentioning much about past relationships..... wonder if there was an underlying or subliminal reason for you to use drinking to lower the inhibitions. At the risk of psycho-analyzing here, perhaps you needed to numb yourself to get over the fear of intimacy? IDK, just a thought.

[Iguanna]

It's easier to embrace the double standards the benefit you and complain about the ones that don't then it is to simply refuse to have double standards at all.

 

These double standards are created by people. If you don't want to follow them in your life, good for you. You may find many people confused about why you don't accept these rules and why you have rules of your own, but if you are strong, you can get ahead this. I'm a woman but I know that men and women are equal but not the same. This is what confuses everyone. We are equal opposite to the law, but we can't be and act the same, or at least not yet. There are hundreds of thing women do that men don't and the opposite. Can we all behave the same? It's not about what benefits me and what doesn't. I just can't refuse to have double standards because this is how our society is. For the matter we are discussing now, regarding a woman sleeping with a guy on the first date, when you have so many men admitting that they don't like that they do this but they do see a girl who slept with them on the first date differently, as easy etc, how can I rebel and say :I' don't care, I'll do what I want, who are you to judge me?"?. I can say it alright, but I will accept the consequences and I won't be angry if I do this and they call me a slut or easy.

 

It's easy to deny all rules and do whatever you like, but not all of us are that strong so to be able to accept the consequences that come along with our actions...