creighton0123 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 So. My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months now. We live on opposite sides of the city, but transit-able, so see eachother three nights a week (with one overnight at his place of mine). Since we're on different lease cycles, we're thinking about moving in together in June, at the one-year mark. Is that rather early? I'm 29 and he's 34. We both make decent enough money and would not rent a place that we couldn't afford on our own. For those in long term relationships on here, when did you take that next step and move in together?
Eggplant Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I vote no. Moving in together will make it too hard to break up. People stay in bad relationships too long because it's a hassle to move out. What's wrong with the current setup? And if you're sure you won't break up, then why not just get married?
Grumpybutfun Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 creighton0123: My wife moved in with me after three months, but we were both goners and knew that marriage was on its way. I think it depends on where you see this relationship going, and your value system. If you have no moral or religious challenges, then living together really does see if two people are compatible. You both are also old enough that you have some experience with relationships. We have been married for almost 20 years so it didn't lower the magic or make us complacent because we really wanted each other to be happy. Has he said he is interested in moving in together? Grumps 1
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Why are you moving in together? If the answer includes convenience as one of the top reasons, don't do it. DH & I moved in together a few months before our wedding because his lease was up & it wasn't feasible for him to get a new lease for such a short time.
Author creighton0123 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Grumps, we're both interested. We see a great deal of long term potential and recognize that, in terms of functional relationships, we have it going on. I do see marrying him in the future. Just... not yet. We know that we're compatible as a couple. What I want to know is whether we're compatible as roommates as well, and we're not going to figure that out unless we share an apartment.
InnocentMan Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 A year should be long enough to know if you wish to live together. It's probably better to get a new place for both of you, as one person moving into anothers space can create many issues. The idea of of getting married if you are planning to cohabitate is some crazy logical thinking. All couples should live together for at least a year before even considering a marriage. It really is the only way to really get to know someone. Be prepared to argue over the stupidest of ****. I once had a 6 month argument over the correct way to wash plates. Good times.
Author creighton0123 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 I vote no. Moving in together will make it too hard to break up. People stay in bad relationships too long because it's a hassle to move out. What's wrong with the current setup? And if you're sure you won't break up, then why not just get married? I don't see marriage as the final destination as you suggest. Anyhow, I wouldn't marry someone until I'm sure we're absolutely compatible. Can't do that until we actually live together. We're both financially independent, as well. In my last relationship, my ex and I moved in together after two years of dating (one year long distance). When we broke up, it was cake. He left the apartment. I packed his things and put them in the entry way. He came by when I was out of town and picked his stuff up. I found a roommate and moved on with my life. Similar situation here. If it doesn't work out, one of us will move out and the other will find a roommate. 2
Author creighton0123 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 A year should be long enough to know if you wish to live together. It's probably better to get a new place for both of you, as one person moving into anothers space can create many issues. The idea of of getting married if you are planning to cohabitate is some crazy logical thinking. All couples should live together for at least a year before even considering a marriage. It really is the only way to really get to know someone. Be prepared to argue over the stupidest of ****. I once had a 6 month argument over the correct way to wash plates. Good times. Agree. I have lived with an ex before and it was plenty easy to live together. We just split up the tasks. Current boyfriend and I have already had the discussion, since I'm a month away from having to resign my lease. He'll be 2k a month. I'll pay 1k a month, pay for parking, and utilities.
rocketman122 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 youre asking people that are anti relationships and are single for way too long. ask people whove had long term relationships and has lived with someone and god forbid was even married. people here take out there anger because they are not successful with dating or in relationships. I cant imagine how many relationships theyve ruined with their horrible advice. IMO, yes, move in. if it feels right and you think you can be in a confined space with the person then yes. even if you dont want to marry him but love him. if this is your first time living with a man you love then do it. living with someone teaches you a lot of things. some most of the people here wont know about. if it feels right and you love him and miss him those other days then yes. if you need your space, feel you cant have someone so close to you all the time then no. dont do it only because you want to marry him. seeing if you can get along with him before marriage is a great first step. first see if you can deal with being with the person in your face day after day.
iris219 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 A year is plenty of time to decide if you want to live together, especially at your ages. I would suggest discussing the reasons why you want to move in together and where you see the relationship going before moving in.
mammasita Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 As someone who has done "living together" many times over......I highly recommend against it. There are plenty other ways to see if you're compatible as "roomates" without living togther. I just see it as too much hassle playing house unless there is a solid commitment (engagement/marriage).
jphcbpa Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 As someone who has done "living together" many times over......I highly recommend against it. There are plenty other ways to see if you're compatible as "roomates" without living togther. I just see it as too much hassle playing house unless there is a solid commitment (engagement/marriage). would you live with someone you have dated for over 2 years, but knew you were not going to marry in the future (them or anyone) ?
ktya Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 youre asking people that are anti relationships and are single for way too long. ask people whove had long term relationships and has lived with someone and god forbid was even married. I have lived with partners many times. First was a 2 year stint. Then was a 8+ year relationship with 6 of those years living together. Had a couple bad apples after that and decided not to move in with the next girl, which turned out to be the best thing to do. Then next relationship rushed into it because she had a kid and if we were going to go for it that way we wouldnt have to switch her schools (she was going into grade 1). Depending on your work schedule and location if you are really wanting to be sure then I'd reccommend that you take turns living at eachother's places for a month consecutive. Man I really wish that I had done that for a few of those relationships. Some of them it was really under duress, and those times it really didnt turn out well. Possibly the worst experience I ever had moving in together was this girl I met when I was looking to rent rooms. She was hot as hell, iranian and when she came to look at the place after showing me her facebook picture I forewarned her that I thought she was hot and if I started hitting on her and she wasnt interested to just bat me off as I'm harmless. Well that room showing ended up in the bedroom and we decided to move in together in one shot. It went well for a month, but she turned out to be nuts with borderline personality disorder. After five more months I finally got her out of there. Oh and I was looking to rent rooms because I needed the money. She paid a whopping total of $50 over six months. Moral of this story: do not move in for convenience and/or finances The best was the longest term one, we did a LTR for nearly 2 years visiting eachother's places every second weekend and then she moved over to my city and got her own apartment. We then moved in because I was ditching a bad roomate and she was always over at my house anyways. We did break up later, but that was not due to the annoyances of eachother in living together. The most tragic was my most recent ex. We really like eachother but started fighting ever more and more and the fights towards the end got terribly intense. The topic of the fights? She is a horrible clutterbug and quite messy, prone to letting things go. My garage was still piled 4 feet high and filled with her stuff from when she had moved in 3 years prior. On occasion I had to run the dishwasher back to back four times and one weekend while she was away I literally ran the laundry nonstop from Friday afternoon thru Sunday. I could not get it finished. She also stayed awake all night and slept most of the day, we would fight over me just wanting her to sleep in the same bed as me rather than waking up to her passed out on the couch every morning. Once we broke up and she moved out, we became amazing friends and the sex went from nil to totally incredible. So it is for these reasons I'd suggest that you do a trial month at eachothers place if you are concerned. While he can pick up the place when he knows your coming over or be on his best behavior when he's around and you can do the same and take down the panties and stocking hanging from the shower curtain or whatever and shoo out your friends doing a solid month will really help you to at least understand how eachother truly lives day to day. In this trial period try to live as normally as possible. If you are more excited and want to just jump into it, be sure to have an exit strategy and be prepared for a breakup if you need to invoke your lifeline. It is just too much to go from living with your partner to moving out because you cant stand living with eachother. Some advice for you if you do jump into it. Try to earmark one special place as "his" and one special place as "yours" seperate from the common areas of the house. Whether it's a desk or a room if possible. It is somewhat of a steam release valve to have a desk where you can pile all of your papers and crap or a room where you can chill out in private from your partner. It may seem all romantic and wonderful to be able to spend every waking minute with eachother, but it will eventually get old, you need some private time in your own house because you dont always want to go out and the optics of going out alone and asking the other not to come usually leads to the "but why cant I come" and the inevitable suspicions of cheating or that someone is losing interest. Also on the money side be sure that the terms of financial matters are very clear, and also that you are clear on what is to happen if one of you gets into a bit of trouble and needs some help. An example that happened to me was that the bills were all in my name and my ex was to pay me for half of the amount. I fell behind (I was running my own business and had a hard few months) and as I asked her for half of whatever I paid and had not made payments, the lights got cut off. She was pretty mad and annoyed that I hadn't just asked her for help. I was actually just embarassed and I hate asking people for money. The situation could have been easily avoided. Hope all this helps!
mammasita Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 would you live with someone you have dated for over 2 years, but knew you were not going to marry in the future (them or anyone) ? Nope. I wouldn't be dating that person.
Author creighton0123 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Ktya, Rather long post. An unfortunate result of city living is folks living by themselves settle into rather impossibly small spaces. Not practical to share either of our current apartments, even if just for a month. No room for anything, plus difficult for both of us to do our morning commutes to work. Ideally, moving in together would allow us a larger space with a private office space for the both of us in a location that we both have agreed on to be an easy commute for us. I think I'm going to go ahead with it. It makes every sort of sense and we both recognize we don't see nearly enough of one another due to having separate places and are on different work hours. So it is for these reasons I'd suggest that you do a trial month at eachothers place if you are concerned. While he can pick up the place when he knows your coming over or be on his best behavior when he's around and you can do the same and take down the panties and stocking hanging from the shower curtain or whatever and shoo out your friends doing a solid month will really help you to at least understand how eachother truly lives day to day. We're both guys, by the way. :-P 1
Els Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 It really all depends on you, the development of the relationship, and how both of you view cohabitation. Given that both of you are leasing, neither of you is giving up their house to be with the other, which makes it a lot less complicated. A year sounds okay to me. 1
jonny walker Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 The more seprated you are the more you feel for each other.so should say no.and if ur sure enough then get married.
Grumpybutfun Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 We're both guys, by the way. :-P Same rules apply for same sex relationships imho. Just make sure you are both on the same page and that you both see this as a stepping stone in your relationship. You learn a great deal about each other from the everyday. There are only two things I would caution you about...one is make sure they are financially responsible and another is that you make sure they know that you expect something more in the future. Make sure they understand that you want something long term. Marriage, family, etc. I see too many people hurt that they move in and their partners do not honor them for what they desire in the relationship. Good luck, Grumps
Eggplant Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I don't see marriage as the final destination as you suggest. Anyhow, I wouldn't marry someone until I'm sure we're absolutely compatible. Can't do that until we actually live together. We're both financially independent, as well. In my last relationship, my ex and I moved in together after two years of dating (one year long distance). When we broke up, it was cake. He left the apartment. I packed his things and put them in the entry way. He came by when I was out of town and picked his stuff up. I found a roommate and moved on with my life. Similar situation here. If it doesn't work out, one of us will move out and the other will find a roommate. If it's really so easy to just move back out, without a hassle, then I don't see an issue. I for one hate moving, especially at a moment's notice.
Author creighton0123 Posted December 19, 2013 Author Posted December 19, 2013 If it's really so easy to just move back out, without a hassle, then I don't see an issue. I for one hate moving, especially at a moment's notice. I've moved quite a bit from apartment to apartment in my city since I graduated college. My current place is my... sixth apartment in seven years. It's the nature of my area. You don't stay in one apartment for too long until you buy a place given landlords like to raise rent from year to year without improving quality. Boyfriend and I have talked more about it and both agree that we're mature enough and stable enough to share an apartment. We discussed rent breakdown (him at 2-2.3k, me at 1-1.3k + parking + utilities), discussed neighborhoods and will begin the search come February when the listings start coming up. Thanks for the feedback, everyone.
OnlyHonesty Posted December 19, 2013 Posted December 19, 2013 I believe this is a very common mistake that couples make. Each one who makes it thinks that it will be different for them than the last ones who made the same mistake.
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