I fancy her, but there are rules! What can I do?

[Da Lonely 1]

Hello.

 

I've got a form of autism and I find it hard to socialize with others without getting the anxious feelings typical of those with a social phobia. Although I've tried to mingle with others now and then, I find it hard to not feel nervous and I think I talk too loud as well. That could be due to being worked up or because of my disability clashing with the way I already feel.

 

To my credit, I've only ever had one proper girlfriend, which was actually just a major disaster. That woman I met in 2005 just used me for my money and was a snake. This wasn't what I wanted after all those years that I'd spent looking for her. Unfortunately, I had to pay the price for not listening to the warnings from others. That's only the short version of it. So since I want sex as well as love, I have to pay for it, or else I don't get an ounce of real sexual pleasure (besides masturbating, of course).

 

Besides the carry on I went through with my ex, I've also had a long history of being bullied on the Internet and I can tell you honestly now that I've also been repeatedly mistreated in other ways by a lot of rather nasty people. However, there is far too much of a history there to delve into. I'm now feeling lonely and bored, which was a feeling I wanted to keep under control, but then it creeps back.

 

Anyway, because I have autism like I said, I receive outreach support from a company that specializes in helping those with autism. I'm also living in supported accommodation that they are in charge of, so the staff are next door to where I currently stay. Years ago, I lived with my parents and sisters, until my sisters eventually moved out.

 

Well, I have a key worker who is lovely. She is from Spain. She's beautiful and witty. She tries to motivate me to try new stuff by myself and not focus on the negative things, like my awful past for example. Unfortunately, she is a support worker. She definitely cannot date service users and I don't think she can date co-workers either, although a few others had done it.

 

Quite recently, I had to get treatment for an STI I got from mucking around with hookers. My key worker went with me to get a blood test, treatment for my problem and advice. The thing is, though, I feel somewhat embarrassed about having to drag others close to home into my issues. They never speak ill of me, although they do advise me not to see escorts for obvious reasons. However, try to imagine you don't have autism and this is just a set of people that you are blurting your issues to, instead of keeping things private but effective to overcome. How would you feel if a guy or chick told you that you caught an infection? Be truthful.

 

I have to see this lady regularly because she is my key worker, but now I think I am crushing on her. However, we are not friends as such. She's employed to care for me and nothing else, in a manner of speaking. We cannot go out for a drink or do stuff that ordinary friends may do, but we can still enjoy having shifts together, provided I agree to keep it a working relationship and not a boyfriend / girlfriend situation.

 

Sadly, this is a profession to these people and they all end up leaving their post eventually, resulting in my key worker having to be replaced again and again. She hasn't made plans to go elsewhere yet, but that doesn't mean she will be living in Scotland forever and ever. When we were out and about today, she said that she may one day go to America, as she wasn't sure how many cold winters she could put up with in Scotland.

 

As I really genuinely like her, I want to be with her. However, I already had one woman removed from my support team after I tried my luck with her.

 

This situation is going to keep making me anxious, but I just do not like my chances here. I've really got no chances whatsoever. But I know if I keep seeing her and stuff, it'll drive me to want to open my mouth to get my feelings out into the open, which as you probably know, would have its consequences.

Edited December 16, 2013 by Da Lonely 1

[sportzhl24]

Hey man, I read your story. It sounds like you've had a tough life so far, and I'm sorry to hear that. It must be very hard to compensate for autism. I don't have anything like autism but I have struggled my whole life with social interactions, so I can relate on some level. In the case of your feelings for this care worker, I think that you should take it really easy. Tread lightly with her, especially because your last care worker was removed since you had feelings for her. And this is difficult since a) she knows you've had diseases from escorts, which is kinda hard to just ignore and b) she has only a professional relationship with you, and c) because she probably knows your history with care workers and knows that the last one was removed because you asked her out or whatever. So look man if I were you, I would make very subtle hints that you like her. Don't be too forward or blunt because you might scare her off. Just do little things, little cute maneuvers that might give her the hint that you have feelings for her. And do things to get you two closer as FRIENDS. Because the farther you are from a purly professional relationship, the better. I hope that helps you out dude.

[Da Lonely 1]

It's unfortunately true when I admit these things, but I don't stand a chance of getting with someone like my care worker and I can have a fantasy about her all I want, but it will remain just a fantasy, because if I even try to come out clean about how I really feel about her, I'll lose her completely for support and it happened with Joanna.

 

You're right that we can still get along professionally. However, if I lost her as a key worker, I don't think I'd want another key worker unless it was a guy or much older woman. Although I think by that point, I'd have really had enough and would probably quit having my support altogether. There's been times when I felt like calling it quitters, because of their various rules about this, that and the next thing, and I felt they misunderstood my motives.

 

It's all very well them saying I need to get a life, in nice terms, but it's hard for me to sit still for more than a few minutes with others, especially strangers. Anxiety can do that to you. I'd had a panic attack in 2009 and since then, the chore of even leaving the house is there.

 

You see, this happened...

 

My very first key worker (ever) is an older lady. My parents like her, but I find her to use way too much sarcasm. Even if she only wanted me to waken up or try to make me laugh, I tend to hate the use of sarcastic remarks, which I also myself sometimes use to make light of a situation. Well, she has health issues now and has been absent from work for much of this year. She was my key worker from May 2008 until early 2010. After this, I had a different key worker. A man. Then I had a lady key worker for quite a while, who one day announced she was leaving to be a teacher. She was already a part-time teacher, but then she left to do work related to her career as a teacher. Just like that, she went away. I've never seen or heard from her since. Many other support workers who leave often just announce they are leaving and are therefore gone before you can grasp what's happening. That's annoying, if you like them. Although of course we all have lives and there will be goals we want to achieve outwith what we do today. That's life.

 

After that woman become a full-time teacher, I had my original key worker reinstated for a while, but once my ex come back into my life, we kind of fell out over that stuff to do with her bullying me, because she knew my ex was a hot topic for me and I'd get moody about things. My key worker knew it meant a lot to me to find Laura, my ex. Unfortunately, I guess I didn't want to accept that the money grabber wasn't for me, so I took it out on others. Even now, I try to contact my ex on Facebook, hoping she'll somehow magically change her [bad] ways and just love me for me. But I'd be living a lie if I actually chose to believe she can change. A leopard never changes its spots...

 

Although they weren't my key workers at any time, I also enjoyed some other female support personnel who used to support me, like Ruth and Lorraine. Ruth has a brother who is a support worker too. When Ruth worked with me, I was happy around her. I was always going on and on to other support workers about how she was a great person. However, that can mislead others into thinking you are becoming 'too attached' to her. Well, she eventually left to work in another sector and although she promised to see a movie with me once, she never fulfilled that promise. I've got her personal e-mail address too, but I think she's blanked me now as she never replies. Support workers can't add you on Facebook. She's getting on with her life and well, we all know my life isn't worth much.

 

This year, there was also Lorraine. She was only with me for a few months. I grew to like her as well. Then she left to do something in California. Just before her departure, the seniors where I live assigned teams for certain workers to work in, so the sacrifice there is that you'd only work with specific people in your own team of helpers, while only getting to see the others infrequently at events, like those in Number 6 (which is the place where my fellow service users chill out).

 

Now we come to Spanish Sara...

 

One day, she will leave the job and/or leave town. It really sucks, but what can you do? She's so beautiful and I don't know about anyone's else outlook on this, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life screwing whores and chasing after an ex who could care much less about me as a person. I've always wanted to have true love. You only live once. You've got to make that life worth it.