KS11 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 So today is day 1 of not having her in my life. After over 3 years of trying to make it work I finally have no choice but to let her go. I'm not sure why I'm posting again to be honest, but the way things ended has just crushed me more than ever before. We met up on Saturday, hung out, had dinner which was fine. I tried not to bring anything up as it was the first time we'd seen each other for a few weeks, but eventually it got the better of me and I just asked, do you want to talk about anything to which she said no. I let it go, but on the way home I cracked and just said 'it's not the same anymore is it etc'. From there she replied nothings changed for her ( I assume she meant she that her feelings have gone back to just friendship), if i still want to see her great, but 'just do what you have to do!' That really hurt, and I probably shouldn't have said it, but I said I couldn't thats all she could say, over text as well. Especially when I tried bringing it up in person the night before. Her last words to me were 'Oh **** off A***' And thats it. Im absolutely devastated. We've been through break periods before but she's always come back. But this time I know it's different. I've given this girl all I have for the past three years, I've done everything I could to be there when things have been tough for her, loved her completely and that was how she chose to end things. I wasn't even worth a face to face conversation. I've deleted all ways of seeing her life, I figured if Im hurting this bad already I may as well get that out the way now too. But it's not enough, I want to delete her. I really can't cope with this emptiness all over again, especially knowing there's no hope of ever hearing or seeing her again. My biggest fear throughout all our relationship was this overwhelming feeling of inadequacy, like I didn't really matter to her, that I was disposable and this has just proved that. It doesn't seem fair. I know she has no obligation to me or the love I have for her, but if the situations were reversed I would never have treated her in this way, if I knew that I was the loved by someone so completely, and had been shown it in so many ways, and more than that, that we'd shared so many amazing things together, I would never end it over text with F**k off. It makes me question everything we had. I don't believe I was worth anything to her and i'm not sure where to go now. I want to reply. I've always been too scared to say all this to her, in fear of losing her but that's already done. I don't know what I'm looking for, I just really need a way out.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I told my ex to f*** off too but I didn't mean it I was just angry so don't hold on to the words too much x push on & take each day as it comes x u will get through this x
reddragon588 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I too had it end after three years and multiple breaks. It's tough but you do mean a lot to her, just like she means a lot to you, it's just different now. Start rebuilding your confidence by focusing on building yourself, you'll be fine after a while! 2
Philosoraptor Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I'm sorry for your pain. Hopefully in the future you will take this lesson that if the relationship keeps ending over and over, there must be some fundamental flaw causing it. And without fixing the issues, it's just doomed for this result. Good for you for doing whatever possible to protect yourself now. It's going to be a long journey, but focus on yourself, fill your life with things you enjoy (friends, families, hobbies, etc) and work towards the future you want for yourself. Do not live in the past, it's over and nothing can be changed about it. You are doing nothing but wasting what little precious life we have in this world by concentrating on things from the past. This is a positive for you. Now with time and care, you will be able to find someone who wants to give you as much as you give them. You were the one settling, not her. She lost someone who treated her well, you escaped someone who wasn't willing to give. You won here, remember that. 5
fixing Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Hey man. Your a long time user here so i will try not to bore you with common break up speeches (I dont mean that in a bad way) But you were not inadequate at all man. Of course you meant something to her. 3 years is a long long time bud. You obviously did something right! Sounds like there was some compatibilities issues throughout though. Her 'fck off' is cold and very wrong and obv hurtful. Completely uncalled for and very ****ing immoral over a text. You know i read once 'Women, they will love you with all their heart, until they dont' It sucks. But your doing the right thing man. Strict no contact and im with you, i know your pain. Stay strong sir. 1
Mr me to Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I believe a lot of woman come to terms with relationships ending while their still with you by the time the let you know they have moved on mentally already. Most men on the other hand have a ownership type attachment which prevents us accepting it's over... In other words they fickle as **** !!! 2
headinthecloud Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 RS rarely end well. Try not to focus on how it ended, but rather on what you learned about yourself. It's like summing up a man's life based on how he died. Instead, look back on how you evolved in the time you were together. It's hard as hell to deal with the pain of losing someone, but don't ever be sorry for loving someone. Her reaction is not a reflection of you. Everyone copes differently. The good news is the pain will go away in time. And soon enough you'll be ready for a new adventure of the heart. And you'll be stronger and wiser thanks to this experience. "It is better to have loved and lost than never to love at all." 3
Author KS11 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Ah that made for hard reading, thanks for the replies. I think everything said here is true. I know deep down somewhere this was always going to happen. There's so much I feel like I have to say. I know I shouldn't dwell on the way it's ended but it's hard to see it any other way than her having lost everything she felt for me. And I know that doesn't even matter now, she doesn't want to be with me so how she feels makes no difference. I always struggle so much with eradicating the memories and thoughts of the person I knew when I first met her. Remembering how concerned and caring she was when we went through rough patches, like she was genuinely bothered about keeping me in her life. And then of course there's all the amazing memories, the things she said that no one has ever told me and now it just feels like it was all lies. The thing is, in truth we've been on the rocks for a while and I've tried to prepare myself for the inevitable but this time it's hit me so much more. Part of me is angry for what she's done. She was the one who came back in to my life time and time again, and every time promised I was who she wanted, that she wouldn't hurt me again, and here I am again, left devastated while she carries on fine. I want to do something to end this f*cking pain, its constant, I try and just sleep as much as I can so I don't think about it but its always there.I want to do something to make her feel just a tiny bit of the hurt I feel, even though I know thats totally selfish of me. It's like i've spent all this time giving her everything and loving her, that now I have nothing left to inside to move on. The most annoying thing is I still love her completely. I feel like I should hate her but I can't. The idea of meeting someone else, going through all that again makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know I won't find that connection with someone. I read somewhere about first loves, and yeh maybe its pathetic, but it said that you never fully get over the first person you love, it will always be there somewhere you just learn to accept the loss. That scares the life out of me. I've read on here people who a year on still can't get over their ex. I know you say I shouldn't see it as a reflection on myself but how can you not? Time and again she's left me, there was something clearly lacking in me that she feels someone else can give her. It kills me to think of all the things we could have done together and i'll never have that with her now
ponchsox Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) I told my ex to go f herself and called her a dirty $$ when she broke up with me when I felt angry and betrayed. Then I was the jerk and the ******* but she will never know how angry I was. And I don't even use foul language. Like you, our relationship was on the rocks already. What I said was wrong and I shouldn't have said it but that's what happens when you break NC. My ex was a taker, not a giver, and her ending it was a blessing in disguise at the time. Today is day 1 for yourself to start no contact, heal, and move on. It's going to be a tough road ahead in the coming days, weeks, and months but you did what had to be done and now is the time to focus on yourself. Edited December 16, 2013 by ponchsox
Philosoraptor Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Ah that made for hard reading, thanks for the replies. I think everything said here is true. I know deep down somewhere this was always going to happen. There's so much I feel like I have to say. I know I shouldn't dwell on the way it's ended but it's hard to see it any other way than her having lost everything she felt for me. And I know that doesn't even matter now, she doesn't want to be with me so how she feels makes no difference. I always struggle so much with eradicating the memories and thoughts of the person I knew when I first met her. Remembering how concerned and caring she was when we went through rough patches, like she was genuinely bothered about keeping me in her life. And then of course there's all the amazing memories, the things she said that no one has ever told me and now it just feels like it was all lies. The thing is, in truth we've been on the rocks for a while and I've tried to prepare myself for the inevitable but this time it's hit me so much more. Part of me is angry for what she's done. She was the one who came back in to my life time and time again, and every time promised I was who she wanted, that she wouldn't hurt me again, and here I am again, left devastated while she carries on fine. I want to do something to end this f*cking pain, its constant, I try and just sleep as much as I can so I don't think about it but its always there.I want to do something to make her feel just a tiny bit of the hurt I feel, even though I know thats totally selfish of me. It's like i've spent all this time giving her everything and loving her, that now I have nothing left to inside to move on. The most annoying thing is I still love her completely. I feel like I should hate her but I can't. The idea of meeting someone else, going through all that again makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know I won't find that connection with someone. I read somewhere about first loves, and yeh maybe its pathetic, but it said that you never fully get over the first person you love, it will always be there somewhere you just learn to accept the loss. That scares the life out of me. I've read on here people who a year on still can't get over their ex. I know you say I shouldn't see it as a reflection on myself but how can you not? Time and again she's left me, there was something clearly lacking in me that she feels someone else can give her. It kills me to think of all the things we could have done together and i'll never have that with her now You're beating yourself up. You will get over this girl and people who say "you never get over your first love" are the ones who never allow themselves to fall in love again because they hold their ex on a pedestal. I got over my first love and now I'm getting married to my amazing fiancee. You need to let yourself move on and not end up like one of these saps who live their life as a memorial to their ex. Something is lacking in you? I think not. Something was lacking in her for her to know (because she did) that the relationship was going to fail but to allow herself to continue to use you and fill you with false hope. The only thing you did wrong was to continue to allow her back to use you time and time again. You were just being yourself and giving what you had to offer, she continued to lie to you to and use you to pick herself up when she needed a boost. If you never fall in love again, never date again, never allow yourself to connect with someone... that is your choice. If you want to find a happy life and eventually meet the right person for you then you need to allow yourself to heal and move on. So choose, either commit yourself to being happy and finding happiness for yourself... or live your life as a sad memorial and let one person ruin your self esteem and view of yourself. But if you choose the latter don't sit around complaining, because just like everyone else who says "you never get over your first love" and "it's never as good as the first love" you'd be choosing to live your life suffering. 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Let me tell u a story .. I was with my first love for 3 years we parted ways it was heartbreaking. 10 years later we met up & it sparked again (the first true love effect!) I then held his hand & said goodbye to him again 3 months later as he passed away from cancer x u know what, I NEVER thought I would love like that again but I did & I'm on this forum because of my recent ex (honestly thought I'd marry him) x don't u ever give up hope u will love again & u know what it might even be stronger xx 1
ponchsox Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 OP, you will look back on this several months or a year from now when you are truly in reciprocating love and say "WTF was I thinking staying with her for as long as I did"?
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I relate a lot to this thread and share a lot of similarities with the OP. I'm 9 months post BU and NC out of a 3 year RS. Kind of pissed that I still am in such a deep state of recovery. Was hoping to be on my merry way by now. Last weekend was tough. Pretty depressed all weekend. Spending a lot of time and energy in the past and feeling sad about the whole thing. Oh well. Today is a new day, I guess... 1
EuTuBrute Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I'm on this sight today cause i'm feeling a little down. With your original question "how can you mean so little to someone" .... I have the same feeling as you. I gave my heart and soul to a girl for 2.5 years, then it was ripped out like nothing. Life is cruel sometimes 3
Author KS11 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 hi guys, Thanks again for the replies, really helps to hear other peoples experiences and glad this thread is of some use to helping others. Just a quick update..received a message last night saying; 'Im sorry I got angry last night but sometimes you really have no idea. You can be quite selfish! I've got bigger things going on than this at the moment and having a go at me about it really doesn't help!' The funny thing is, I saw her number pop up and for a the smallest of seconds I thought it might be a genuine apology. I'm not sure how others feel, but I've always found that any apology which is quickly succeeded by an insult isn't really that credible?! Jokes aside, its really hurtful to hear that she thinks that. Considering everything I've done for her, how often i've tried to go beyond to ensure she is ok, always thinking about her..it just shows none of thats been appreciated. Of all the things she could have called me, selfish just cuts right through me. It's like the whole relationship, our connection was totally misunderstood.
Philosoraptor Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Yes, it's a blame shifting game. Delete, ignore, and continue on with your life. She's not misunderstanding, she's changing the past and putting the blame on you in order to deal with what she is feeling. Again, delete and ignore.
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