Craneum Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Hello, My gf and I broke up nearly a year and a half ago. It was tough for me. It's been over a year NC now. After a few months NC things started to improve and gradually I felt better and better. I felt that I was doing well and was very nearly over it. But now suddenly I fell like I've gone back again. I've started feeling really lonely and missing my ex again. I want to hate her, and I have some good reasons to, but I can't and find that I still love her. I guess I'm just lonely. I don't mind being alone most of the time, but I suppose I miss some intimacy. If I met someone I might feel better, but I don't know how. I'm not exactly an outgoing kind of person and I'm not meeting any girls in day to day life anyway. I've looked at online dating, but I'm not really into it, and I don't really find anyone attractive like I did my ex. It took me a long time to find someone that I felt I could be with and it turned into a disaster! Anyway, this is just a vent I guess, cos I don't think there's anything I can do except wait and see if I meet someone, or accept to be alone for a long time. But if anyone wants to comment. Thanks!
LadyM Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I wouldn't be surprised if many on this site feel as you do. I know I can relate to all that you said. I think having a new love in our life makes it a whole lot easier to forget about the old one, but as you said, it's not so easy to come by. But one thing I do know, is that most people do eventually find a new love. With every relationship of mine that ended, I just knew I would never find anyone again. But I always did. (except, of course, this time I KNOW I won't find anyone new!) It's really hard to let go of the "love" feelings for our ex until we have someone new to love. Do you have any friends or relatives to fix you up? Sometimes, those can be the best matches. 2
devilish innocent Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I'm sorry you're feeling down. It's normal to have days when you have setbacks. Especially this time of the year. With the holidays coming up, it can make it harder to be alone. I hope it gets easier on you. It's entirely up to you whether you want to try to meet girls through on-line dating or not. Most people who do on-line dating don't generally do it because they're into it. They do it because they're tired of waiting for the right person to come along and want to raise their chances of it happening sooner. It works out for some people. But if you're not feel the push to keep trying, then it's probably not for you. At least not right now. That's the one nice thing about being single. You have more freedom to avoid things you don't want to do. 3
Frank13 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 (edited) Craneum, same thing happened to me but it has been two years and NC for the first 11 months and then for the past year. I practically forgot about her the past couple months. Now I really miss her and am thinking about her a lot. Don't know why. Edited December 18, 2013 by Frank13 2
Author Craneum Posted December 18, 2013 Author Posted December 18, 2013 Thanks a lot for you comments. I just don't understand though. A few weeks ago I was on a high, thinking to myself I am pretty much over her and feeling optimistic about the future. Now I am suddenly back down again, missing her. It could be the time of year, but Xmas has never been a big thing for me and I have my family around. I guess it's just the ups and downs of life. It just makes me angry really. I spent so long feeling bad and obsessing over the relationship every minute of every day, that I was pleased I had come this far and was feeling so much better. My ex just went and found someone else immediately after our split, so why do I have to still care about her. I really want to hate her, but I can't even do that. The truth is, our relationship was not very good anyway, so I'm pretty sure it was for the best that we split, so why can't I get over it?! I do now have the feeling that I will meet someone else one day, but I just can't really see it happening any time soon. I've been single most of my life, until I met this one person and it didn't work. Now I have to face that it is quite possible that I will be alone for years, ( while my friends all settle down...) I guess you don't find someone unless you don't want to anyway. Besides, I am too scared to fall in love again and have to go through all this again....
deponie12 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 This sounds like you are addicted to this woman for some reason. You are still going through withdrawals. You need to try to stop the obsessive thinking. I have read several self help books and see a therapist. My books I have read that have helped: How to break your addiction to a person The Dance of Anger 1
cavalier99 Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 (edited) Your not missing her per se. Your missing intimacy and the ideal of a relationship. And because she was the most recent you associate this with her. Start really getting out there. Hookup. Go on dates. Feel excited about meeting someone else, flirting ecetera. Soon you will realize that you are capable of loving again. Then you will be over your ex. Even if these prospects dont turn into a relationship. Cav Edited December 18, 2013 by cavalier99
tem7074 Posted December 20, 2013 Posted December 20, 2013 This scares me. That after long periods of NC things can get better and then get worse. I do think with enough time OP, your memories will fade. But I have a similar issue now, I have been struggling to move on from a failed relationship for about a year now (it doesn't help that we sort of gave it another go for the last 8 months but that is another story). It was a LDR- I have only seen her about 50 days in the last 18 months - so I developed a very strong emotional bond. The strength of this is something I have never experienced before - it is powerful. Sounds like you may have had a strong emotional bond with your ex, OP. I keep a journal and see that obsessive thinking about how to move on has been going on for some time. It is very much like an addiction. I've never had this problem before. I don't know what to do about this and have been considering getting some professional help. Problem is, I haven't gone for any significant stretch of NC. But I am giving that a shot now. I am hopeful it will work. I hope things get better for you too and stay that way..
Author Craneum Posted December 22, 2013 Author Posted December 22, 2013 tem7074 if you want to get over that relationship I think you need to go NC for while. When I did that things started to get much better for me. Not immediately, but after a month or so, slowly I felt better and better. Now I am quite well. I have the occasional relapse like this, and if I think about her I still feel a deep sadness. But I am ok with it now most of the time I am just lonely really. If I met someone I'm pretty sure I would be over my ex quickly. My problem is I don't know how to. I am quiet and pretty introverted so I don't really meet a lot of people or get a connection with people easily. I guess I'll have to try harder to be outgoing, or just accept to be alone...
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