JHparkes Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Please help me I am screwing myself up and my relationship. I am 34 and boyfriend is 45. We have been together for a very happy 18 months and living together for one year. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had but I am so close to losing him cause of my obsession with his past. Before me he was single for four years. His ex partner, mother of his son, left him for someone else. She also trashed his house and fleeced him. She was apparently cold with him during their seven year relationship. Before that he was in a long term relationship with another girl for seven years. He said they became more like friends. I can't help but ask question after question about his past love life. I am obsessed. He has told me that he has never felt this way about anyone - when I ask him what he means and to describe it, he finds it very hard - he says when I smile it is like an adrenaline rush. He says that when he cuddles up to me it feels so special and he gets a warm glowing feeling inside, but he said he has never had this with other people even though he has been in love before. He has said he can see us growing old together and has said he wants a family with me. Yesterday I was questioning him again and he told me about yet another girl he went out with in his twenties who he was with for nine months. He said he loved her to bits! This made me crazy with jealousy. Then there was another girl when he was 17 and she was 21. She died in an accident and he said he felt like he had nothing to live for after that. This really upset me. I asked him, how can he say he has never felt this in love with someone if he felt like that about her and he said "I was 17. Your feelings are strong at that age. Everything is a big deal". Ok, so he treats me amazing. He is so warm and caring. Always cuddling, kissing me. Puts me first 100% of the time. I don't at all doubt that he loves me, its just that I kind of don't feel special now I know about all these others!!! How can I stop feeling this way? I feel like one in a long line of women!!
soccerrprp Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) JH, Get a grip on this ASAP. Yes, you are not his first and if you're not careful, you won't be his last. Everyone has a past, but the key is to concentrate on the present. It doesn't sound like his past affects him. He sounds like a good guy, so put your energy in knowing that he is with you right now. Don't eff-up and risk losing a decent man. I have a gf who gets a little miffed about the women I've been with and female friends that I still have. I never thought of her as the jealous type, but it's come up a couple of times. The best I can do is love her, treat her well and demonstrate that daily. It sounds like your guy is doing that. Don't let his past ruin your (both your) present and future. You say you don't feel special, but clearly, this guy is treating you like gold. You are special to him right now and if you think about it, it's being special NOW that matters. For whatever reasons, this guy is not with or treating his past gf's for the tenderness that he's showing you and that should make you feel good! You are his world NOW. Edited December 16, 2013 by soccerrprp 6
Kizza Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 He may eventually grow tired of this obsession and dump you for someone who lives in the present and for the future. Stop sabotaging this relationship. Do you have a history of sabotaging relationships? See a counsellor maybe? because I think this is what you are doing. You say everything is perfect but you are allowing his past to ruin your present and this is very unhealthy. You are even going to the lengths of asking him about his past knowing that you never like what you hear. This is crazy, it needs to stop or you could make yourself very unhappy. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 You need to focus on the present. The past is done & can't be changed. Here & now, he picked you. What you described he sounds like a great guy. Don't drive him away by continuing to obsess over stuff that can't be changed. 1
Author JHparkes Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 JH, Get a grip on this ASAP. Yes, you are not his first and if you're not careful, you won't be his last. Everyone has a past, but the key is to concentrate on the present. It doesn't sound like his past affects him. He sounds like a good guy, so put your energy in knowing that he is with you right now. Don't eff-up and risk losing a decent man. I have a gf who gets a little miffed about the women I've been with and female friends that I still have. I never thought of her as the jealous type, but it's come up a couple of times. The best I can do is love her, treat her well and demonstrate that daily. It sounds like your guy is doing that. Don't let his past ruin your (both your) present and future. You say you don't feel special, but clearly, this guy is treating you like gold. You are special to him right now and if you think about it, it's being special NOW that matters. For whatever reasons, this guy is not with or treating his past gf's for the tenderness that he's showing you and that should make you feel good! You are his world NOW. I know in my heart that what you are saying is right, its just so hard for me. I hate the fact that he has been in love so many times - once or twice I can cope with, but four or five times? it's almost like he falls in love at the drop of a hat and that doesn't make me feel like a chosen one if you get what I mean. I have seen a psychologist for therapy in the past, but there were only 12 sessions in total and I definitely didn't think this was adequate enough. At the moment reading your replies is bringing it home to me. I may have to print them off so I can re-read them to myself when I get an attack of anxiety and jealousy about the whole thing again before I do anything/say anything destructive again.
Author JHparkes Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 You are 34, don't you have exes too? Yes I do - quite a few actually. But, looking back, I think I only loved one or two. He is talking four to five women he has loved. So how can he say that he has never felt this way about anyone the way he has with me? Anyways I'm going to print off these replies so I can give myself a talking to next time I am tempted to say/do something I will later regret. Thanks everyone
Author JHparkes Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 He may eventually grow tired of this obsession and dump you for someone who lives in the present and for the future. Stop sabotaging this relationship. Do you have a history of sabotaging relationships? See a counsellor maybe? because I think this is what you are doing. You say everything is perfect but you are allowing his past to ruin your present and this is very unhealthy. You are even going to the lengths of asking him about his past knowing that you never like what you hear. This is crazy, it needs to stop or you could make yourself very unhappy. Yes I do have a history of destroying relationships with insecurity jealousy. I have tried seeing many different therapists - it's embarrassing - I saw a Psychologist only three months ago but only for 12 sessions. Before that I saw a counsellor for up to a year privately. I have also seen a CBT therapist. Honestly I feel like a failure and a severe f*ck up
Author JHparkes Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Also another thing that is worrying me, when I spoke to my sister about it, she has said that he may be a serial manoganist _ I have looked this up on the internet and these folks get bored easy!!!! My anxiety is through the rough at the moment
soccerrprp Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Also another thing that is worrying me, when I spoke to my sister about it, she has said that he may be a serial manoganist _ I have looked this up on the internet and these folks get bored easy!!!! My anxiety is through the rough at the moment Tell your sister to stop flaming the fire! You too! That CERTAINLY does not and will not help you. JH, he may become all the unfortunate things you envision, but he is not that way NOW. You have little or no control over what HE MAY BECOME and sabotaging this relationship does you no good. Take it one day at a time, live for now, and while he continues to care about you, enjoy that. 1
Author JHparkes Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Tell your sister to stop flaming the fire! You too! That CERTAINLY does not and will not help you. JH, he may become all the unfortunate things you envision, but he is not that way NOW. You have little or no control over what HE MAY BECOME and sabotaging this relationship does you no good. Take it one day at a time, live for now, and while he continues to care about you, enjoy that. Hey soccerrprp, doesn't past actions indicate future actions though? They usually say if a man has cheated in his past, it is a good indication he will do it again - well my man has never cheated on anyone, but does it mean he will get bored of me easily. I am very very sorry to keep asking for these reassurances but I feel desperate today, as I said my anxiety is through the roof, think i may need something to calm my nerves.
Eivuwan Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Hey soccerrprp, doesn't past actions indicate future actions though? They usually say if a man has cheated in his past, it is a good indication he will do it again - well my man has never cheated on anyone, but does it mean he will get bored of me easily. I am very very sorry to keep asking for these reassurances but I feel desperate today, as I said my anxiety is through the roof, think i may need something to calm my nerves. Actually his past makes me feel very good about him as a bf. You see, if past actions predict future actions, then it sounds like he treated his gfs really well, cherished them, and stayed with them for a long time. What makes you think their relationship ended because he got bored of them? I think these problems have more to do with your low level of confidence about your own desirability as well as your over-dependency on the love of a man. 1
stillafool Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I think you should start seeing a therapist again if you want to continue in this relationship. If you continue with this jealousy he is bound to get tired of you. Anyone would.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) Wow. You are 34...this is the stuff of 19-year-olds. You need to get a grip before you lose this guy. My fiancé and I had a really fun conversation the other night about high school loves, and how much we were crushed when they dumped us...we both agreed that it felt like the world was ending! We shared a good laugh and a beer over it. It's so absurdly silly to be jealous of feelings someone felt when they were a teenager. Also, having been in love 4 or 5 times at 45 years old is not "falling in love at the drop of a hat". Assuming he's had nearly a 30-year dating history, that means roughly one person every 6 to 8 years. I'm 26 and can say with near-certainty that I've been in love three times...should my fiancé dump me since I'm clearly a "serial monogamist" by your measure?? Sometimes it just takes a while to find the right person. To fault someone for the road it took them to get to you is to be ungrateful that they are in your life right now. Edited December 16, 2013 by kiss_andmakeup 8
soccerrprp Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) Wow. You are 34...this is the stuff of 19-year-olds. You need to get a grip before you lose this guy. My fiancé and I had a really fun conversation the other night about high school loves, and how much we were crushed when they dumped us...we both agreed that it felt like the world was ending! We shared a good laugh and a beer over it. It's so absurdly silly to be jealous of feelings someone felt when they were a teenager. Also, having been in love 4 or 5 times at 45 years old is not "falling in love at the drop of a hat". Assuming he's had nearly a 30-year dating history, that means roughly one person every 6 to 8 years. I'm 26 and can say with near-certainty that I've been in love three times...should my fiancé dump me since I'm clearly a "serial monogamist" by your measure?? Sometimes it just takes a while to find the right person. To fault someone for the road it took them to get to you is to be ungrateful that they are in your life right now. I like this. Especially this: To fault someone for the road it took them to get to you is to be ungrateful that they are in your life right now. Shoot, I need to remember this from time to time. Edited December 16, 2013 by soccerrprp 2
ThatMan Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) Please speak to a therapist again. Rumination is a very painful experience. Heath Ledger used to speak about how stressful his life became. Each night he couldn't sleep because his mind kept going. To be in a wonderful relationship while living with a mind that is turning, always turning, saps the joy and romance away. Your mind will probably continue jumping to the worst ideas imaginable until you address this thought pattern. You deserve to be happy and to free of this burden. Life should not be such a challenge and it does get better. But you should know that love is a tricky thing. People often feel devastated to lose somebody loved. Maybe we tell ourselves that we can never feel this way again. It's true. There'll be others. But every time you feel love, it'll be different. I'm sure that deep down you already understand this, even though many of your own past relationships are loveless. I do not doubt that you are his one and only. Perhaps to him, he's only felt this way about you. And rumination cheapens the experience and robs you from the mere opportunity to simply enjoy the good moments. Edited December 16, 2013 by ThatMan
Author JHparkes Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Please speak to a therapist again. Rumination is a very painful experience. Heath Ledger used to speak about how stressful his life became. Each night he couldn't sleep because his mind kept going. To be in a wonderful relationship while living with a mind that is turning, always turning, saps the joy and romance away. Your mind will probably continue jumping to the worst ideas imaginable until you address this thought pattern. You deserve to be happy and to free of this burden. Life should not be such a challenge and it does get better. But you should know that love is a tricky thing. People often feel devastated to lose somebody loved. Maybe we tell ourselves that we can never feel this way again. It's true. There'll be others. But every time you feel love, it'll be different. I'm sure that deep down you already understand this, even though many of your own past relationships are loveless. I do not doubt that you are his one and only. Perhaps to him, he's only felt this way about you. And rumination cheapens the experience and robs you from the mere opportunity to simply enjoy the good moments. You're spot on in saying its rumination - I have them constantly - tomorrow it might be whether or not he fancies someone at his work - day after could be wether he will run off with someone younger - day after that does he fancy my friend and on and on it goes. My mind is in turmoil, I hardly ever feel at peace and it's interesting you mentioned Heath ledger - didn't he die of pain killer overdose? Well that is the only time I feel semi-at peace - when I'm taking codeine for my period pains, or stoned or on alcohol. I feel absolutely mental! I'm wasting my health and my life. I know I need therapy just that I've had three different types now and nothing has worked- feel so hopeless.
ThatMan Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 It does not have to be this way. What happened to Heath Ledger does not need to happen to you. Express that rumination is your primary concern and that you self-medicate. Approach a therapist and ask to tackle this problem with a team of help. Ask to sign a consent form to permit your therapist to collaborate with your doctor and a psychiatrist. All three professionals will offer unique insight into this problem. That will help you discover new ways to sooth without self-medication. Next you'll learn how to avoid being triggered and what activities are tailored to your unique needs in taking the edge off. These are all tangible goals that you can achieve. I know that you feel hurt and hopeless but there are many possible solutions out there. You don't have to give up on yourself. 1
Eivuwan Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 You're spot on in saying its rumination - I have them constantly - tomorrow it might be whether or not he fancies someone at his work - day after could be wether he will run off with someone younger - day after that does he fancy my friend and on and on it goes. My mind is in turmoil, I hardly ever feel at peace and it's interesting you mentioned Heath ledger - didn't he die of pain killer overdose? Well that is the only time I feel semi-at peace - when I'm taking codeine for my period pains, or stoned or on alcohol. I feel absolutely mental! I'm wasting my health and my life. I know I need therapy just that I've had three different types now and nothing has worked- feel so hopeless. Would you mind discussing what kind of therapy experiences you've had? It sounds like you need more intensive longer term therapies.
jonny walker Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I think numbers don't matters .btw when ur 45 how many bf u might have changed????
Shepp Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 To fault someone for the road it took them to get to you is to be ungrateful that they are in your life right now. ^ this is perfect! He's 45 not 14, do you expect him to of sat in a cave all his life? He's gonna have a backstory! At the end of the day, even if he is whatever your sister said, whts the worst case scenario? The end of your realtionship, right? Well your'll cause that outcome by yourself with paranoia!
Author JHparkes Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Would you mind discussing what kind of therapy experiences you've had? It sounds like you need more intensive longer term therapies. Hi Eivuwan, I've had some kind of talking therapy with a lady counsellor for a year. Then as that didn't work I thought maybe i needed something more directive so then saw a CBT therapist for issues surrounding jealousy. Then as that didn't work I was referred to a Clinical Psychologist for a form of DBT. Some of the principles worked with calming my jealous reactions but I'm still getting the underlying ruminations. I have also tried medication too - I was on Citalopram for a year - this made me feel dead and I have been on Fluoxetine which I have not seen any difference with apart from I haven't cried for ages which i don't like cause sometime crying is my only release of the built up emotions.
Author JHparkes Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 ^ this is perfect! He's 45 not 14, do you expect him to of sat in a cave all his life? He's gonna have a backstory! At the end of the day, even if he is whatever your sister said, whts the worst case scenario? The end of your realtionship, right? Well your'll cause that outcome by yourself with paranoia! I do understand that. Its just my overwhelming need to be the "most" anything - special, loved, etc. I just want to be somehow more important and significant than any of them have been. It's so hard for me to explain.
MalachiX Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Get help. Fast. If you think it's wrong for a 45-year-old man to have been in love 4 times (or even 5); then your expectations are so unrealistic as to border on crazy. Hell, if you're 34 and have had 2 loves then you both seem to fall in love at about the same frequency. You'd be in the wrong even if he'd had twice as many "loves." The fact that you're obsessing over a guy who seems to have had relatively few serious relationships (and seemed to work very hard to keep them going); really makes me wonder if you're capable of dating anybody in your current situation. I repeat, find some way to get help immediatly. I'm actually kind of wondering if your family has projected an screwed up view of love onto you as I have no idea why your sister would be feeding your paranoia. 1
Author JHparkes Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Get help. Fast. If you think it's wrong for a 45-year-old man to have been in love 4 times (or even 5); then your expectations are so unrealistic as to border on crazy. Hell, if you're 34 and have had 2 loves then you both seem to fall in love at about the same frequency. You'd be in the wrong even if he'd had twice as many "loves." The fact that you're obsessing over a guy who seems to have had relatively few serious relationships (and seemed to work very hard to keep them going); really makes me wonder if you're capable of dating anybody in your current situation. I repeat, find some way to get help immediatly. I'm actually kind of wondering if your family has projected an screwed up view of love onto you as I have no idea why your sister would be feeding your paranoia. I have the number for a reputable therapist and I'm going to give him a call this week without fail. Im seriously close to a nervous break down if I'm not worried abotu one thing it is another. I spoke to my partner about it all last night and he said he will stand by me no matter what, even if it takes six years for me to get better. 1
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