My boyfriend has doubts if we're compatible enough for eachother

[terces325]

My boyfriend and I are together for 1,5 years now. About 2 weeks ago he suddenly told me he started having more doubts if we're compatible enough for each other. He wonders if there maybe is someone out there for him who is a better match for him. He said he looked at other couples and wanted a relationship like them. If I ask him what he misses about our relationship, he sais he doesn't know; it's just a feeling.

He thinks we're different in some personality traits; for instance, I'm very shy and I don't say a lot when we're hanging out with his friends (although when we're together I'm always completely open and talk a lot) and my boyfriend is a more spontaneous guy.

I told him I can work on my insecurities and the shyness, I would change not just for him but also for myself ( it's easier in life generally if you can interact with people easily, I think) I'm even seeing a psychologist to work on this.

So I'm willing to change the things he thinks why we're not the perfect match for each other, but he also sais that he doesn't if that will be enough. He sais maybe it's just a gut feeling and even if I would be this person who talks in groups more often, the gut feeling would not disappear.

I just really can't understand this. If he's going to break up with me because of this 'feeling' I can't accept that. I need to know WHY.

We've now agreed to stay together for the next 2 months to see if changing myself will help this 'feeling' of his or not.

But I'm really scared that it will not help if I hear him talking about it. I don't want to loose him because I love him so much.

We tried a 'break' for a week but we still had contact and I was devastated. I couldn't eat and sleep anymore and cried all the time. So another actual break is not an option for me; because I will turn crazy.

i really don't know what to do anymore because now I live in constant fear of losing him after this 2 month-period we agreed on. I can't live like this.

[terces325]

And by the way, he says that he does love me a lot, so that makes me more confused

[polynomial]

And by the way, he says that he does love me a lot, so that makes me more confused

 

Maybe he says he loves because he wants out but is afraid he might regret his decision, therefore, keeps assuring you he still loves you so he can have you in the background, always ready to take him back when he regrets leaving you.

 

Something similar happened to me. We got back together eventually (and then broke up a million times again) but it just wasn't the same anymore. First, the trust was completely gone. I was so afraid to do something wrong that would set him back to thinking I am not the one for him. Relationships aren't suppose to be like that. And we're broken up finally now. So me trying to change didn't help anything.

[BC1980]

I was in an almost identical situation. My ex said maybe we weren't compatible but could never pinpoint the reason. He said he had a gut feeling we weren't right at times. He also said he loved me. At times, he would be sure he wanted to marry me.

 

It's not YOU. His doubts have nothing to do with you, and there is nothing you can do to change them. In fact, saying you are willing to change makes it worse. That makes him feel uncomfortable. I know it's hard because there is nothing you can do. I know the helpless feeling. Being yourself isn't good enough for the other person. It's possibly the worst I have felt.

 

I'm going to suggest something dramatic, but it has a better chance if working than just waiting 2 months. Just tell him you are okay with who you are, and, if he isn't, that's okay. Give him a lot of space. Don't try to reassure him. Tell him you need time to think also. Your only chance is to back way off and see if he misses you. That's the true test. Otherwise, I would get rid of him because I can are my ex in him. 3 years I spent with him, and I would do things very differently.

[headinthecloud]

It's an awful feeling when your partner tells you that while he loves you and is in love you that there are long term issues. They say that in life you have many partners and each one will have:

 

- a reason;

- a season; and

- a lifetime.

 

I agree with BC1980's suggestion. Take some time apart to see how you really feel about each other. But be clear about the terms of the separation - no sex with other people, etcetera. During that time, work on yourself. Who knows, by the end of the 2mos plan to meet at a special place and, if one of you doesn't show then the other knows that they have moved on. No contact.

 

Whatever you choose to do, realize that sometimes things don't work out because love isn't enough. And it has nothing to so with anything you did or didn't do. Sometimes the shoe just doesn't fit no matter how desperately you want it to.

[Grumpybutfun]

It sounds as though he isn't ready for a LTR and that he wants to see what else is out there. In other words, he just isn't as into you as you are him. You deserve someone who wants you for exactly who you are. Changing your personality isn't going to help him want to be with you. Changing a bad behavior like smoking or telling lies is one thing because it is negative behaviors, but changing who you at your core is, is another.

You also sound very needy and codependent. You can live without him, and you will survive this. This isn't the man for you and that is okay because as soon as you accept this, you can move on and find someone who is.

He may feel some love for you but because of his actions, it is safe to say that it isn't the love that intertwines your lives.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Leigh 87]

You can live without him.

 

 

I was once in your position. Earlier this year.

 

I couldn't begin to imagine reality without my ex. We were so close and attached. Together every day. He was my life.

 

I screamed and wailed and went hysterical when he delivered the final blow; when he broke up with me for good.

 

I was beyond devastated.

 

I can not see that I am lucky he left, as he was not in love with me and could not offer me the same love that I gave him. He would not have left if he was madly enough in love with me.

 

If it felt right for your boyfriend, he would not have doubts. A gut feeling is a legitimate reason to end things. He doesn't want to live with this off feeling he has about you.

Would you want to stay with a person year upon year, if you had a niggling feeling that he just wasn't it for you?

 

 

 

It is nothing to do with you. The entirety of who YOU are as an individual does not compel this guy to want to continue trying for a life together with you.

It is just a general feeling you get, overall, about a person; you are either head over heels in love with them, or you are simply not.

 

It has nothing to do with how outgoing you are or how similar or compatible you are.

Me and my ex were VERY compatible

 

His best friend even told me that my ex and I were "exactly the same", personality wise.

Being compatible on a personal level is not enough to make a person fall deeply in love with you.

 

I know this is a huge shock to your system. I don't envy you right now. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Look, this man is not head over heels in love with you. If he was, he would not have these doubts.

 

In rare cases, some men who have deep seated commitment issues can leave a partner, only to come back and realise that they made the biggest mistake of their lives in leaving their girlfriends..

[terces325]

I made the toughest decision of my life yesterday. I broke up with him. I realize I can't live for those 2 months being together with him and waiting for him to break up with me or not. So i made the decision for him.

I feel better now than in the week he said he wanted a break. Knowing it is over gives me more peace than being in constant fear.

However, he said to me that he would let me know if he finds (in a month or 2) out if letting go of me is the biggest mistake of his life. I agreed to it, but now there is this little feeling inside me that he will say it was a huge mistake. A little bit of hope. I find it hard to let go of him completely now.

My heart/feeling says that if he wants me back I should get back to him.

But my rational mind tells me that I shouldn't. Because his doubts could come back some day.

I really don't know

[ponchsox]

At this point in your relationship, you two are at a crossroads. I respect him for making the decision and being up front with you instead of stringing you along when he is having doubts. It sounds like you two are not a good long term match. It's for the best. Move on and find the right one for you.

[headinthecloud]

Let go of the hope. The RS is over. Go full NC and only focus on you. Anything he does from here on in is none of your business (eg. Dating, sleeping around, etc). And knowing what he's doing will only inhibit your healing.

 

Even though you ended it, he was the one who wanted to be apart because of compatibility. If he wants to be with you, he will move mountains. You'll get through this. Be strong. In 3mos you'll be a completely different person - happier.