wierd situation with LDR 'EX'

[sun1972]

So i split up with my ex ldr partner- 5 weeks ago now!, despite that we have talked every day..and seen each other almost every weekend (we split over distance)

 

Im looking for work there now (crucial interview in 3 weeks), and we are gonna be back together when i get a job (ill move straight in with her then a month later we are going to get somewhere bigger together).

 

The last two weekends ive stopped over for the night and we shared a bed, we have carried on with the cuddles and hand holding while together ( we spent the whole weekend cuddled up).. but with some boundaries we agreed together (no kissing or sex basically and wearing some clothes in bed etc)

 

This last weekend - things just happened, we were cuddled up in bed, i started playing with her thigh the way i used to when we were a couple - and when i realized what i was doing i apologized but.. she told me not to stop... so u can guess where it led from there.

 

When i left we broke our other rules with a long long kiss as well

 

Yet im still 'single' until i get a job, and we wont be spending xmas day or new year together..this was my idea, and its right.. exes dont spend those days together

 

And as a guy..i should be happy that im getting sexual stuff etc right?.

And i should be happy that we will be together if the interview goes well

 

Im not.. if anything, this 'together but not a couple yet' stuff is thoroughly depressing me. And im dreading xmas day and new year.

 

I am not worried about her meeting someone else, not worried she will change her mind- i just miss her more i guess.

 

How do those who wont be with their LDR get through xmas?

 

And do you think maybee seeing each other weekly is causing more harm than good?.

 

Or carry on seeing each other perhaps, but i sleep on the couch so that we dont slip?

 

I love the time together, but it makes it harder- she said she finds it hard too and wants to kiss / do other stuff when we see each other, but that she wont go back into an LDR again so we arent going to be 'together' until i get the job.

 

On the other hand i dont want distance to build up between us.

[Survivor12]

To be honest, the whole thing sounds ludicrous to me. You talk every day, you sleep in the same bed & are--to whatever degree--intimate, and are planning to live together in the near future, but spending the Holidays together, having sex and calling yourselves a couple is off-limits?

 

What is the point other than her enjoying the fact that she can control you--or her not wanting to commit to a relationship? What if the job you find doesn't suit her? And, once you do get a job and move in, what demands will she come up with then?

 

Here's the thing...while I can understand her not wanting to support you financially and not wanting to be in a reltionship until you are able to support yourself, I can't understand the logic behind toying with you--or you allowing it. If that were her real concern, she wouldn't be involved at all until you have a job. Instead, you are in a relationship but are pretending you're not while she calls the shots on if/when you have sex.

 

There's something more going on here than your employment. First, it was she didn't want you to move there; now, it's the job...what's next?

[sun1972]

To be honest, the whole thing sounds ludicrous to me. You talk every day, you sleep in the same bed & are--to whatever degree--intimate, and are planning to live together in the near future, but spending the Holidays together, having sex and calling yourselves a couple is off-limits?

 

What is the point other than her enjoying the fact that she can control you--or her not wanting to commit to a relationship? What if the job you find doesn't suit her? And, once you do get a job and move in, what demands will she come up with then?

 

Here's the thing...while I can understand her not wanting to support you financially and not wanting to be in a reltionship until you are able to support yourself, I can't understand the logic behind toying with you--or you allowing it. If that were her real concern, she wouldn't be involved at all until you have a job. Instead, you are in a relationship but are pretending you're not while she calls the shots on if/when you have sex.

 

There's something more going on here than your employment. First, it was she didn't want you to move there; now, it's the job...what's next?

 

 

To be fair it isnt quite like that, we had been LDR for years (5 in fact) and it was ME that ended it because i could see how utterly fed up of an ldr she was.

 

I had looked at leaving my job, but never carried it through in the past (fear of leaving the only job ive known).

 

Now, she doesnt want to go back to an ldr, hence why we only are back together when i get one. Having had a taste of single life, im totally focussed on getting a job.

 

As for the xmas thing, it was a joint decision

 

And the idea was to just see each other for a few hours a week- so we dont get too distant with each other, its just we always seem to end up sharing a bed... it isnt planned tho.

 

But yes it all feels odd, as if we cant spend time together and be just 'friends'

[HeavenOrHell]

You're still a couple in all but name.

If you're going to move there, not sure why she just doesn't see you properly, she'll be getting what she wanted (you moving) before too long by the sounds of it, why is she doing this half hearted thing of being together but not really together?

If you're the one doing the moving she should be helping and supporting you rather than only starting up again properly once you've moved, or will you be a couple again in her mind as soon as you have found a job there?

If she only wants to pick things up properly again once you've moved, what if she changes her mind once you're there? You need commitment before you go.

I think she's being far too harsh, especially as you're not to distant from each other and were seeing each other several times a week.

You feel 100% happy about moving/changing jobs? Can you move back if things don't work out? Being in the same country should make that easier.

 

 

 

Now, she doesnt want to go back to an ldr, hence why we only are back together when i get one. Having had a taste of single life, im totally focussed on getting a job.

 

As for the xmas thing, it was a joint decision

 

And the idea was to just see each other for a few hours a week- so we dont get too distant with each other, its just we always seem to end up sharing a bed... it isnt planned tho.

 

But yes it all feels odd, as if we cant spend time together and be just 'friends'

[justwhoiam]

we split over distance

So, in short, you both should feel better being single right now? Is it so? Did you ask her if she's feeling better being single right now? And what exactly changed in her life after you split up? I won't ask the same to you, because from your post, I can tell you're NOT feeling better. The idea of being a couple again makes you feel better. So the whole thing is stupid at best.

 

ill move straight in with her then a month later we are going to get somewhere bigger together)

Ok. First thing: do you have a plan B? Because you know, you are planning to live with an ex, and one or two months from now (or later), she might:

1) find someone else

2) enjoy being single and feel like dating guys

3) change her mind about you

4) let her feelings fizzle out

5) you name it

 

im still 'single' until i get a job, and we wont be spending xmas day or new year together..this was my idea

Such bad idea (my opinion).

 

exes dont spend those days together

Exes move on once they split... you both have no intentions to move on right now. At least you, I can't tell about her.

 

as a guy..i should be happy that im getting sexual stuff etc right?

As a woman, I'd say no. Because a guy should be concerned, if he really cares, when his woman is not "his" anymore. She can do whatever with anyone else, if that makes you happy, then you made the best choice.

 

And i should be happy that we will be together if the interview goes well

As long as she's an ex, she has no obligation to keep up to your hopes. So start thinking of the option that she might want out too.

 

this 'together but not a couple yet' stuff is thoroughly depressing me

I'd be more than depressed.

 

And im dreading xmas day and new year.

Understandable. But I guess you should do splits in the air or something to have her back with you now, after telling her you want to be single and on your own during Christmas & New Year's Eve.

 

I am not worried about her meeting someone else

How so? If she's detaching from you to the point that she has no expectations anymore, that's quite the moment when she can fall for someone else.

 

not worried she will change her mind

She already did. You were a couple, she wanted out.

 

How do those who wont be with their LDR get through xmas?

Last year we spoke for over one hour on Christmas eve, at night, we exchanged gifts through our cloud. Then I was out the next day and I wrote him a letter in the morning for him to read as soon as he woke up, and we texted each other during the day. I hope it'll be just as good or even better this year.

 

And do you think maybee seeing each other weekly is causing more harm than good?

I wish I had that opportunity................. unfortunately, I don't. Guess what it'd be like if you only saw her once in months......... I guess some people in here even waited for 2 years before meeting up again. That is tough.

 

Or carry on seeing each other perhaps, but i sleep on the couch so that we dont slip?

Is it a break up or a joke? If it's a break up, you stop going there and risk losing her. You're still walking on eggs to me, because she didn't want to go on with you.

 

she said she finds it hard too and wants to kiss / do other stuff when we see each other, but that she wont go back into an LDR again so we arent going to be 'together' until i get the job.

Well, since anything's possible with you two, why aren't you single while you're away, and back to a couple when you meet up? Sounds fair, and you can do whatever without thinking you made a mistake, because, hey, you were a couple when it happened!

 

i dont want distance to build up between us.

That already happened.

 

it was ME that ended it because i could see how utterly fed up of an ldr she was.

She apparently welcomed it. Also, now she doesn't want a LDR with anymore anyway. Edited December 16, 2013 by justwhoiam

[sun1972]

You're still a couple in all but name.

If you're going to move there, not sure why she just doesn't see you properly, she'll be getting what she wanted (you moving) before too long by the sounds of it, why is she doing this half hearted thing of being together but not really together?

If you're the one doing the moving she should be helping and supporting you rather than only starting up again properly once you've moved, or will you be a couple again in her mind as soon as you have found a job there?

If she only wants to pick things up properly again once you've moved, what if she changes her mind once you're there? You need commitment before you go.

I think she's being far too harsh, especially as you're not to distant from each other and were seeing each other several times a week.

You feel 100% happy about moving/changing jobs? Can you move back if things don't work out? Being in the same country should make that easier.

 

I think as i am the one who ended the relationship..and regretted it, then it is fair for me to be the one...chasing.

 

And the reason she wants to wait until i move is because we have been here before, i had an ultimatum, but i backed out of leaving my job (i wont do this time thats for sure)

 

so she is understandable sceptical about it. Her fear is simply we will slip back into an ldr again, and she is clear she doesnt want an ldr.

 

So we are trying to keep boundaries.

 

I wouldnt say we were a couple in all but name, most of the time together we didnt kiss (it was just the morning i left) - we did cuddle up all night which i guess isnt appropiate, and when out we walked around holding hands

 

(it feels strange not doing so, we were..permanently attached when a couple its hard to explain).

 

But it is all odd, when i said i had better go home as it was getting late, she wanted me to stay, we always say we wont share a bed, but then we do.. and ..well im not even sure how intimacy happened. It nearly happened last week too (her initiating) but i got up and went for a shower when i could see where it was going (so it isnt all her calling the shots there).

 

Oh and to answer you, yes as far as she is concerned the second i get accepted for job it is back to full on.

[sun1972]

So, in short, you both should feel better being single right now? Is it so? Did you ask her if she's feeling better being single right now? And what exactly changed in her life after you split up? I won't ask the same to you, because from your post, I can tell you're NOT feeling better. The idea of being a couple again makes you feel better. So the whole thing is stupid at best.

 

Ok. First thing: do you have a plan B? Because you know, you are planning to live with an ex, and one or two months from now (or later), she might:

1) find someone else

2) enjoy being single and feel like dating guys

3) change her mind about you

4) let her feelings fizzle out

5) you name it

 

Such bad idea (my opinion).

 

Exes move on once they split... you both have no intentions to move on right now. At least you, I can't tell about her.

 

As a woman, I'd say no. Because a guy should be concerned, if he really cares, when his woman is not "his" anymore. She can do whatever with anyone else, if that makes you happy, then you made the best choice.

 

As long as she's an ex, she has no obligation to keep up to your hopes. So start thinking of the option that she might want out too.

 

I'd be more than depressed.

 

Understandable. But I guess you should do splits in the air or something to have her back with you now, after telling her you want to be single and on your own during Christmas & New Year's Eve.

 

How so? If she's detaching from you to the point that she has no expectations anymore, that's quite the moment when she can fall for someone else.

 

She already did. You were a couple, she wanted out.

 

Last year we spoke for over one hour on Christmas eve, at night, we exchanged gifts through our cloud. Then I was out the next day and I wrote him a letter in the morning for him to read as soon as he woke up, and we texted each other during the day. I hope it'll be just as good or even better this year.

 

I wish I had that opportunity................. unfortunately, I don't. Guess what it'd be like if you only saw her once in months......... I guess some people in here even waited for 2 years before meeting up again. That is tough.

 

Is it a break up or a joke? If it's a break up, you stop going there and risk losing her. You're still walking on eggs to me, because she didn't want to go on with you.

 

Well, since anything's possible with you two, why aren't you single while you're away, and back to a couple when you meet up? Sounds fair, and you can do whatever without thinking you made a mistake, because, hey, you were a couple when it happened!

 

That already happened.

 

She apparently welcomed it. Also, now she doesn't want a LDR with anymore anyway.

 

Just to quickly answer this, we have talked about it a lot

 

Neither of us want to date others,

We still love each other

 

She said herself she doesnt feel remotely single at the moment, but doesnt want an ldr so wants boundaries until i get another job

 

She still wants to be with me and i her, but not in an ldr.

 

EDIT Ive just read through this thread and realised how bloody stupid all this is!!!

Shes with her family xmas day now, but im gonna suggest new years eve together

Edited December 16, 2013 by sun1972

[HeavenOrHell]

 

So we are trying to keep boundaries.

 

 

>The last two weekends ive stopped over for the night and we shared a bed, we have carried on with the cuddles and hand holding while together ( we spent the whole weekend cuddled up).. but with some boundaries we agreed together (no kissing or sex basically and wearing some clothes in bed etc)

 

This last weekend - things just happened, we were cuddled up in bed, i started playing with her thigh the way i used to when we were a couple - and when i realized what i was doing i apologized but.. she told me not to stop... so u can guess where it led from there.

 

When i left we broke our other rules with a long long kiss as well<

 

Not trying very hard to keep the boundaries!!!!

[justwhoiam]

Ive just read through this thread and realised how bloody stupid all this is!!!

 

Shes with her family xmas day now, but im gonna suggest new years eve together

Some cuddling on New Year's Eve? I love cuddling but, heck, if he were with me, it'd be fireworks!!!

 

Anyway, I guess what she meant was a stand-by in the relationship, not a break up. But be aware that if in 6 months from now, you're still looking for a job, she will probably cut contacts with you. She repeatedly said she doesn't want a LDR anymore.

[sun1972]

@heavanorhell

 

believe it or not we do try, we behave during the day and evening, and nighttime

 

its when waking together that things go to pot a bit... i guess sharing a bed is a no no fullstop really

 

i had the ridicoulous situation of leaving the bedroom for her to change in privacy an hour after we had......

 

@justwhoami

 

it will be a heck of a trip for a few hours though, shes working new years eve and im going 200 miles in the opposite direction to see family for xmas

 

so it will mean....7 hours each way for an evening together lol

but ill do it

 

as for jobs, well its hard ...ive sent off 45 applications so far in 3 weeks and got 1 interview - but if i dont have anything in 7 weeks ill take a really crappy job to pay my way and keep looking.

 

yeah i guess on hold is a fairly good description, we did laugh and joke about how it is the wierdest split up ever..

 

i said 'do you have any worries about us slipping back into being a loving, passionate couple when i move in'

 

and she said 'it seems like we are mostly back there anyway'

 

i guess it just all feels ...odd

[WhoreyBull]

All I have to add is, why is everyone demonizing the girl?

He has said he ended it, and (op correct me if I am wrong) it seems as though the whole "rules" that are laid out are part of his creation.

That being said, I think being a couple but not calling yourself that could be putting more stress on her than a real ldr.

Discuss with her. At this point you are holding onto her by a thread. You are either a couple or not.

It seems like you may be distancing yourself in case the job does not come. No one wants to feel like love for them need qualifications.

I may be wrong. Your thoughts?

[sun1972]

All I have to add is, why is everyone demonizing the girl?

He has said he ended it, and (op correct me if I am wrong) it seems as though the whole "rules" that are laid out are part of his creation.

That being said, I think being a couple but not calling yourself that could be putting more stress on her than a real ldr.

Discuss with her. At this point you are holding onto her by a thread. You are either a couple or not.

It seems like you may be distancing yourself in case the job does not come. No one wants to feel like love for them need qualifications.

I may be wrong. Your thoughts?

 

I cant imagine why anyone would demonize her- she did nothing wrong.

 

To answer you, yes i ended it.

 

As for 'rules' no i didnt create them no, as i said she wants boundaries for now. But we seem crap at sticking to them.

[Emilia]

It's just separation anxiety OP. Completely normal. Not long to go now, it will get better in a few days. Deep breath, go for a run, exercise. Not long to go.

[HeavenOrHell]

It won't get better in a few days, it won't get better until he's able to move there, until they're not together properly.

 

 

It's just separation anxiety OP. Completely normal. Not long to go now, it will get better in a few days. Deep breath, go for a run, exercise. Not long to go.

[Emilia]

It won't get better in a few days, it won't get better until he's able to move there, until they're not together properly.

There is no drama, no need to stoke the fire. They were together before for years. They are very close to being together fully once he gets that job. Those few days or 3 weeks or 2 months are nothing compared to how much time they had spent together.

[HeavenOrHell]

They've been together 5 years.

I'm just responding to his posts as he's finding things difficult, understandably.

I can understand whey she is hesitant to say they are in r/ship unless he moves, but it's not easy for him and I think she should she should support him in his trying to get a job, or she should bail out properly and not have half a r/ship like they do now.

If I were him though I'd not want to move unless she were supporting me in it, but I don't know the ins and outs of what happened last time he was going to move and it didn't happen, if he pulled out and why?

Only he knows if he has the courage (or whatever it takes for him) to move, if he knows deep down he can't then they need to stop this now as she can't cope with it.

Not sure what you mean by those few days, weeks or months? Time when they're not a couple you mean? (Although clearly still are!).

It's not straight forward as far as I can see, if he were totally happy about moving, then great.. Maybe he is now and he wasn't before, maybe that's changed.

There's been more than one thread about this, it clearly is a big issue.

 

There is no drama, no need to stoke the fire. They were together before for years. They are very close to being together fully once he gets that job. Those few days or 3 weeks or 2 months are nothing compared to how much time they had spent together.

Edited December 17, 2013 by HeavenOrHell

[notaneatfreak]

you're still in a relationship she doesn't want the title of a relationship or she wants you to commit 100% to her

[sun1972]

you're still in a relationship she doesn't want the title of a relationship or she wants you to commit 100% to her

 

we definitely are not in a relationship in all but name -

 

we spent this weekend gone together, things were good, lots of cuddles etc, she has gone back to being careless about being clothed around me

 

we cuddled up in bed most the night...

 

in the morning tho, things heated up... then suddenly -half way through she stopped me..obviously i stopped straight away

 

she said she needed boundaries somewhere until we are together properely again, and that boundary is to be sexual intimacy. She said she is worried we will just slip back into an ldr which she doesnt want

 

but said she wants us as a living together couple

 

so we are definitely not a couple in all but name...

 

i suppose i should just take it at face value, but do worry that maybee she has lost attraction etc... i dunno.

[sun1972]

ill admit i was a moron about it too...

 

i asked if it was ok for me to have casual fun elsewhere in the meantime

as she is insisting we are single right now....

 

i have no interest in anyone else and would never do that, but it went down very badly as u can imagine

 

such a stupid thing to say, it was just a stupid comment borne from the frustration of being stopped half way through .......

 

and i really regret saying it...oh well

[FitChick]

If you're not having sex, you are platonic friends in my book. In a LDR, the sex is what keeps you together and anticipating the next meeting.

[sun1972]

If you're not having sex, you are platonic friends in my book. In a LDR, the sex is what keeps you together and anticipating the next meeting.

 

not a lot i can do about it really... no sex until i get the job basically

 

i think it is supposed to 'encourage me' or something...

[sun1972]

caitlyn

 

she is being like this because i got a job offer near her and couldnt go through with it...

 

..entirely my fault, my job is the only job ive ever had and it is well paid and i was terrified

 

having had a taste of life without her, yes im sure i want to do it now

 

but u can hardly blame her for being skeptical! afterall she got burnt this route already

 

we do spend every weekend together, and im travelling 300 miles to spend new year with her lol

 

as for her options being open... i said 'if we are single then we can date others for now i suppose'

 

and she got very upset and said under no circumstances was that the case, that she has no interest in anyone else and hopes im the same.

 

That she loves me and wants to live with me but worries that if we act as a full couple now she will end up in an ldr again- that ill not leave my job if given an ldr option

 

As for living seperately...naah we both agree that when together things are perfect, and yes we have spent a month together before now and weeks together a fair few times

[sun1972]

i should add, i can see why she thinks we will end up in an ldr again

 

she knows me well, and... if i wasnt forced to choose between her and my job, id probably end up seeing her weekends and staying ldr, i want to live with her..but it is scary leaving a well paid job of 22 years.

 

also... things were slipping into the old routine, we have seen each other 6 times in 6 weeks

 

first 2 times.. was just for a few hours

 

3rd time was all day and night, i slept on sofa

 

4th time, we shared a bed but were careful to be fully clothed (we told each other sofa was uncomfy and we could be adults and behave)...stuff happened in the morning

 

5th time. we shared a bed, just wore our pants...intimacy happened

 

6th time, we shared a bed and were back to not caring about being clothed... and intimacy started again in the morning but she stopped it..she said she wanted to... but felt we were going back to an ldr

 

you can see where we were heading really

[sun1972]

Just an update

 

Im starting my new job in 2 weeks, leaving my current job in 1 week, and moving in 1 week from now