Inevitable?

[waterwoman]

Reading on here makes me wonder if any affair will eventually kill the marriage if it continues long-term. it seems so often that MM enter affairs because their marriages are a bit so-so but not dreadful. They want some excitement, they might not even have been looking for an affair but responded to someone seeming interested in them, enjoyed the ego-boost and the validation after years of the same old. But the longer the affair goes on the worse the marriage seems until one day he can look at his previously normal, contented marraige and sees a hopeless, loveless, dreary desert.

 

On dday H told me that OW had 'finished' with him approx a week earlier because he wasn 't giving her enough of himself and she was jealous. BUT...they were still texting all the time, he was still telling her he loved her. I am guessing that if I hadn't effed it all up by finding the texts they would have carried on with that until it escalated to where it was before, and then went further. I can see no reason, judging from what I have read here, to think it would have stopped. As it was, after only 6 m, I had one only night when H (drunk!) seemed convinced our marriage wasn't right and hadn't been for the last 10 yrs....I dread to think what he'd have said if the affair had been 6 yrs!

 

Is it inevitable that marital history gets rewritten in the case of a LTA? Like historical revision after a revolution. Can you recover from it?

[experiencethedevine]

Reading on here makes me wonder if any affair will eventually kill the marriage if it continues long-term. it seems so often that MM enter affairs because their marriages are a bit so-so but not dreadful. They want some excitement, they might not even have been looking for an affair but responded to someone seeming interested in them, enjoyed the ego-boost and the validation after years of the same old. But the longer the affair goes on the worse the marriage seems until one day he can look at his previously normal, contented marraige and sees a hopeless, loveless, dreary desert.

 

On dday H told me that OW had 'finished' with him approx a week earlier because he wasn 't giving her enough of himself and she was jealous. BUT...they were still texting all the time, he was still telling her he loved her. I am guessing that if I hadn't effed it all up by finding the texts they would have carried on with that until it escalated to where it was before, and then went further. I can see no reason, judging from what I have read here, to think it would have stopped. As it was, after only 6 m, I had one only night when H (drunk!) seemed convinced our marriage wasn't right and hadn't been for the last 10 yrs....I dread to think what he'd have said if the affair had been 6 yrs!

 

Is it inevitable that marital history gets rewritten in the case of a LTA? Like historical revision after a revolution. Can you recover from it?

 

 

I used to have similar considerations in the immediate year after the event.

 

 

My husbands affair was over a period of 4 years. Though distance was a factor both in its maintenance and origin. The other woman living some 300 plus miles away from our home. He was based in London at the time of their meeting, and only home at weekends. This gave space for the affair to become established. After the first time I suppose its all or nothing in the game.

 

 

There were many factors enabling it to continue for such a lengthy period, not least that at the time my husband was working overseas for three months at a time and three months off, and as he would fly out of Heathrow or Gatwick, it was easy for him to 'stop off' at his other woman's house (within 60m miles of the airport) before coming home, and then do the same prior to returning to work.

 

 

My husband stated that compartmentalising each of us was easy due to his job, the distance from our doorstep and the convenience of proximity to his travel arrangements made it very easy to have two lives.

 

 

Had I not discovered his affair through a careless text message undeleted? Although my husband adamantly stated that he was looking for an 'exit' from his affair (she was definitely a dangerous and insidious character), I failed to be convinced for a very long time afterward as all was revealed. The woman really was determined to have my husband come hell or high water, and made considerable effort to that end.

 

 

As it was, she made gargantuan efforts to destroy the marriage after discovery, and when he saw who she really was, it scared the s**t out of him................................

 

 

I would say that the length of an affair makes a considerable difference in the recovery stakes..............................

[Grumpybutfun]

Hi WW:

It is already ruined/over regardless of time factors. The contract was broken as soon as your partner went outside of your marriage for emotional or sexual gratification. The only way for it to be fixed if he courts you, proves that he is completely changed through counseling and remorse, and maintains NC with AP and wants to remarry. Otherwise you are in a legal marriage but not a marriage of the heart.

Good Luck,

Grumps

[whiterabbit46]

Not sure, but are you two still working on your R? I read your thread "Thank You for Being My Wife." The words were beautiful, and hopefully were from his heart. I'm going to include those sentiments in a card I'm giving to Mrs. Rabbit this Christmas. God bless you both.

[BetrayedH]

Reading on here makes me wonder if any affair will eventually kill the marriage if it continues long-term. it seems so often that MM enter affairs because their marriages are a bit so-so but not dreadful. They want some excitement, they might not even have been looking for an affair but responded to someone seeming interested in them, enjoyed the ego-boost and the validation after years of the same old. But the longer the affair goes on the worse the marriage seems until one day he can look at his previously normal, contented marraige and sees a hopeless, loveless, dreary desert.

 

On dday H told me that OW had 'finished' with him approx a week earlier because he wasn 't giving her enough of himself and she was jealous. BUT...they were still texting all the time, he was still telling her he loved her. I am guessing that if I hadn't effed it all up by finding the texts they would have carried on with that until it escalated to where it was before, and then went further. I can see no reason, judging from what I have read here, to think it would have stopped. As it was, after only 6 m, I had one only night when H (drunk!) seemed convinced our marriage wasn't right and hadn't been for the last 10 yrs....I dread to think what he'd have said if the affair had been 6 yrs!

 

Is it inevitable that marital history gets rewritten in the case of a LTA? Like historical revision after a revolution. Can you recover from it?

 

Hard to say inevitable because that implies an absolute but I think it's a fairly safe assumption.

 

In a strange sort of way, I think some of it has to do with a sense of entitlement or just very unrealistic expectations of a marriage. My wife said she hadn't been happy in years. We had a four year old daughter (and a seven year old son); both kids were unbelievably great. Certainly, those years were tough as we had two kids, two jobs, two car payments and such but I was more than involved as a father. I'm not sure what she expected. And just two years prior to her affair, we took a week long vacation to Maui, just the two of us. That was a fantastic trip to me - stayed at a gorgeous hotel, plenty of friends (went for a wedding), plenty of solo time together seeing the sights, plenty of sex, and so forth. She said the last time she remembered being happy was on that trip and even that was kinda, meh.

 

Again, I have no idea what she expected. Rewriting of marital history? Probably. Overdeveloped sense of entitlement? Probably.

 

I'm certain that none of it got better the longer she was in the affair. It proved impossible to compete with her near-weekly hotel rendezvous with her AP. I'm sure life with her H and kids paled in comparison to that excitement. She was able to be married and play single at the same time. I would have enjoyed that, too, but I never felt entitled to it.

[waterwoman]

Thanks fir the replies.

 

White rabbit- it's going well. In fact if I wasn't afraid of hexing it, I'd say its done! But it's been so up and down I'm not really daft enough to really believe it's all done and dusted. But we are in a good place. Please do say it to Mrs white rabbit, I am sure she will appreciate it x

[Spark1111]

Reading on here makes me wonder if any affair will eventually kill the marriage if it continues long-term. it seems so often that MM enter affairs because their marriages are a bit so-so but not dreadful. They want some excitement, they might not even have been looking for an affair but responded to someone seeming interested in them, enjoyed the ego-boost and the validation after years of the same old. But the longer the affair goes on the worse the marriage seems until one day he can look at his previously normal, contented marraige and sees a hopeless, loveless, dreary desert.

 

On dday H told me that OW had 'finished' with him approx a week earlier because he wasn 't giving her enough of himself and she was jealous. BUT...they were still texting all the time, he was still telling her he loved her. I am guessing that if I hadn't effed it all up by finding the texts they would have carried on with that until it escalated to where it was before, and then went further. I can see no reason, judging from what I have read here, to think it would have stopped. As it was, after only 6 m, I had one only night when H (drunk!) seemed convinced our marriage wasn't right and hadn't been for the last 10 yrs....I dread to think what he'd have said if the affair had been 6 yrs!

 

Is it inevitable that marital history gets rewritten in the case of a LTA? Like historical revision after a revolution. Can you recover from it?

 

Oh sure!

 

You can read some amazing first-hand accounts of the compartmentalization that goes into conducting a long-term affair....and so, so many sound like they travel the same path and have been written with same script.

 

Flirtatious fun leads to an EA, especially when the two parties feel safe enough to start griping about their spouse. That is the first huge boundary crossing....( and WHO amongst us doesn't have some complaint of their spouse? NO ONE!) But confiding that to a person of the opposite sex is a huge NO-NO, especially one we are flirting and having fun with.

 

As it progresses from EA to PA, now the marital history is really getting revised.

 

that serves to assuage guilt and to find justification to continue.

 

If the AP and WS begin talking of a future together...now comes the stage where they go home and pick fights with their spouses. They need to fuel the cognitive dissonance to continue participating in the affair; justifying the unjustifiable.

 

Pretty warped, delusional thinking, no?

 

happens all the time.

 

when DDAY occurs, they either start to snap to, start emerging from this fog, or have so convinced themselves of the lies they told themselves they cleave to the AP, the only person who supports the delusion, and say: Yes, it is all true. I am not in love with my spouse and have not been for years.

 

it's the 'years' part that go smacks ALL the friends, family, and ESPECIALLY the BS who had no clue, NOR reason to believe the WS was unhappy.....until they crashed into that AP who helped convince them IT MUST be true.

 

Funny that, how it happens, no?