Relationship with student

[Karen875]

Hello, highschool teacher here with a bit of an issue. There is a student in my class who seemed a little weird and doesn't have many friends so I befriended her by eating lunch with her sometimes and helping her with homework. I soon found that she was not weird at all but just... different. We began to hit it off and became really good friends and since we are both lesbians she usually comes to me for relationship advice. The other day she came to my class after school crying about her girlfriend cheating on her and I was so angry I shocked myself, but I was also happy in a way because she was now single. I felt horrible after feeling that way and tried to brush it off but a couple days ago we had this conversation: Student: Sorry I forgot my board again Me: Sometimes I think you forget that thing just to see me Student: Yeah just to see that horrible face Me: Haha you love my face Student: I love more than just your face That last comment made me blush and even turned me on a bit but I told her leave playfully so I wouldn't upset her although I was angry at her for making that comment. There are plenty of rumours going around of me and her sleeping together and scared of losing my job or worse. The student is graduating this school year so I can wait but Im scared if these rumours are already too widespread. What do I do?

[CrystalCastles]

That's a terrible situation.

 

A teacher should be focused on educating their pupils, not engaging in any kind of romances with them. This girl is a high school girl. Do you really think she has enough maturity to act appropriately? You are the adult in this situation, yet you are not acting like one.

 

I'm a university student. One of my profs went so far as to sleep with several of his students (he's probably in his 40s, and they were 19 or 20 yr olds). The administration found out and put him on probation (they didn't fire him since he does have a reputation as a good educator, and he's also tenured, but they did watch his every move for a long time) but now the whole faculty disrespects him and does not take him seriously. Is that the kind of situation you want to be in? You want to throw away your career and damage your reputation for a teenage girl who is only beginning to discover what romance is? She won't be able to give you what you want.

 

Also, isn't she technically underage? I'm not sure what the laws in your country/state are, but if she's 17 I believe that's underage and you can be locked up for that.

 

I urge you to seriously consider what you're entertaining. Already gossip is spreading in your school and it won't take long before the admin finds out about it. It could also affect any future jobs since you won't be able to get a good recommendation letter from your boss.

 

This girl is not worth what you are putting on the line for her. Please walk away from this.

[Phantomu]

I agree with Crystal.. This shouldn't even be a thought in your mind. Forget about it. It's unethical and you are risking your future immensely. Why can't you find someone your age or older? Take our advice, you are asking for trouble with this.

[Karen875]

Yes I do actually. We are only 5 years apart :/

[Karen875]

Having a relationship with her now would be inappropriate but after graduation I believe it's fine

[Phantomu]

okay, I hope you realize that you will be under close scrutiny by your colleagues and people may think this relationship started before the student graduated. Do you think it is worth it? It will not look good to the admin. You could possibly ruin your reputation and how do you think this girls parents will feel? You are not thinking clearly right here. There are so many other adults that you can have a relationship with. I really think you need to think about this

[MalachiX]

Yes I do actually. We are only 5 years apart :/

 

And you're screwed.

 

Doesn't really matter if it's just five years. You're in a position of power over her and she's a kid.

 

If you had a sister that age who started dating her male high school teacher, my guess is that you wouldn't be thrilled.

[ThatMan]

If you truly care about this student then you would do the right thing for her by resigning and ending all contact. You should also never teach again until you understand the underlying reasons for this behavior so this doesn't occur with another student. What would her parents think to learn of this budding relationship? What would a distract attorney think to read this thread? You are grooming somebody else. Your relationship is built on the basis of power and control from a position of authority.

[Eggplant]

There is some kind of transference reaction that happens often between people in certain situations such as teacher-student, therapist-client, etc. The power dynamic and the attention in the job create a dynamic that fades as soon as both parties leave their roles. You or she may not be attracted to each other one you both take off your respective student-teacher hats.

 

Also, it's highly unprofessional to date your students; it would be even if you were the same age.

[Trimmer]

Student: Sorry I forgot my board again Me: Sometimes I think you forget that thing just to see me Student: Yeah just to see that horrible face Me: Haha you love my face Student: I love more than just your face That last comment made me blush and even turned me on a bit but I told her leave playfully so I wouldn't upset her although I was angry at her for making that comment.

I'm interested to know why you would be angry at her for making that comment, when clearly you have been contributing to this growing dynamic between the two of you. My guess is that you are operating with the attitude that if you can pretend that nothing overt is happening (even as you are implicitly encouraging it) then you can maintain a kind of official deniability that will protect you.

 

Were you angry because she came close to making an overt statement, and breaking down your deniability? If that's the case, do you really expect an immature, out-on-the-fringe high school student to be sophisticated enough to comply with your unstated deniability dynamic, and blurting out what she really feels (which you seem to be encouraging, even if you may deny that you have done anything overt.) So then you get mad at her for not inherently understanding this complex dynamic?

 

There are plenty of rumours going around of me and her sleeping together and scared of losing my job or worse. The student is graduating this school year so I can wait but Im scared if these rumours are already too widespread. What do I do?

If the rumor are happening, especially given that there is an element of truth to them, then they are already too widespread.

 

If you truly care about this student then you would do the right thing for her by resigning and ending all contact. You should also never teach again until you understand the underlying reasons for this behavior so this doesn't occur with another student.

That's the thing that really strikes me about all of this. Your concern seems to be, essentially: how do I continue on this course without it ruining my career and life. I don't get any sense that you understand - or even ponder - why a relationship is inappropriate between a person in an inherent position of power/authority and a subordinate.

 

And given her age and likely developmental level, you also don't seem to understand - or even ponder - why such a relationship is not in her best interest - which you, as her teacher, are entrusted to uphold.

[Karen875]

I understand where you all are coming from and I would of said the same thing before this but now that I am actually in this situation I can't help but feel unable to NOT have a relationship with her.

[d0nnivain]

You need to stop spending any time with the student until after graduation. None. In class only. Never be alone.

 

I'd also talk to a lawyer ASAP

 

You will most likely lose your job over this because the school district can't afford even the appearance of impropriety.

[Trimmer]

If you truly care about this student then you would do the right thing for her by resigning and ending all contact. You should also never teach again until you understand the underlying reasons for this behavior so this doesn't occur with another student.

 

I understand where you all are coming from and I would of said the same thing before this but now that I am actually in this situation I can't help but feel unable to NOT have a relationship with her.

Based upon your spelling of "rumours" in your OP, I am guessing that you are not in the United States. And with the colloquialism "would of" and your use of the technically-correct but awkward triple-negative, I would imagine that English is your native language, but not your area of academic study. So I'm not sure what country you are in, and what the local cultural attitudes might be about these kinds of things, but I would imagine that most cultures would put a premium on protecting students still in their developmental years from the difficulties and risks of romantic relationships with those in power/authority over them.

 

You know, I don't often go right to the nuclear option: "You should resign and not teach", like ThatMan suggested above. However, your inability to control yourself regarding a boundary that is critical in your profession is a huge concern, and I tend to agree in this case: you are not demonstrating the interpersonal self control that is required of a teacher.

 

Further, as a teacher, you have an obligation to report and to work with your administration to remediate situations occurring at school which are detrimental to a student's safety or well-being. Everybody but you will see this relationship as such a situation. If you fail to take assertive action to stop it and protect this student, and allow the situation to continue moving forward - even though it is of your own making - then you are compounding your breach of your profession's responsibilities.

 

Now that you have crossed the line (and you have crossed it already, it's just a matter of how much farther you will go...), you will need to make a choice, and that choice may well come down to: this relationship or your career. Even if you manage to extract yourself from this and save your career, which may still be crippled even by just the rumors, you really need to work on knowing what boundaries are expected to be maintained in your profession, and truly understanding why those boundaries are important. (And I mean more than just "wait until the day after graduation before you date them...")

 

Finally, sexual predators sometimes feel as if they are not harming children because they believe they actually love them - even feel protective and caring toward them. Sometimes the child, whether knowingly or naively, is an apparently willing participant in the relationship. Neither of these elements mitigates the inappropriateness of a power-imbalanced romantic relationship with a child still in development.

 

You may dodge the full "sexual predator" label, based upon your own young age (you sound likely to be under 25), the fact that your student is probably 18 already, or nearly so, the fact that you may wait until after graduation to overtly pursue the relationship, and the double standard that public perception is often harsher on male teachers than female ones. However, the purity of your feelings does not override your professional responsibility as the one on the authority side of the relationship; the apparent willingness of your student does not absolve you of culpability for your actions; and the technicality of waiting until graduation is just that - a technicality - as in reality you are currently engaging and encouraging her, and actively cultivating the relationship.

Edited December 16, 2013 by Trimmer

[kiss_andmakeup]

You will lose your job, possibly even the hope of any career in the education field, should you pursue this. Make no bones about it. Then decide if you are okay with that. It sounds insane to me.

[Toddbt12y1]

It would be 100 times better to wait for this girl to graduate. Lol, you risk too much. Sometimes you have to be in control of your urges, not your urges in control of you.

[stillafool]

Aren't there any lesbians available to date who aren't your student? You are being completely inappropriate and putting everything you worked for on the line. She isn't worth it, please wake up!

[Babolat]

A little off topic, but related. My female best friend is 46. She recently met a "boy" during a work trip, he is in his late 20s. They had dinner, drinks, more drinks, turned into heavy kissing, his phone rings, girls pic is on the phone, she says "Is this your gf?". Turns out it was.

 

He texted her a few days later to see each other again. She said "no way, you have a gf"

 

I asked her if she could just be buddies with him. She said no, after making out with him, the attraction is too strong and she does not trust herself. This is what you need to think about.

[MalachiX]

I understand where you all are coming from and I would of said the same thing before this but now that I am actually in this situation I can't help but feel unable to NOT have a relationship with her.

 

Yeah...you kind of sound like my friends when they justify cheating on their signifigant others. I suggest you see a therapist and as perhaps you might be willing to listen to a professional.

 

I don't want to judge you but i'm frankly surprised that you're not judging yourself. You are able to avoid a relationship with a minor who is also you're student. You're capable of making decisions that serve the greater good of the other people rather than just doing what makes you feel good. You're capable of taking responsibility for your actions instead of acting helpless.

 

Whether you chose to do this is up to you.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Meh, I have a hard time believing this is a real story. I'm a skeptic about most things. But this is a new person posting about a VERY controversial topic and isn't answering back like they are even paying attention to the comments.

 

The type of person who would have sexual relations with a student doesn't seem like the type to of person to come to a publi forum and ask about the appropriateness of it.. Just doesn't seem right.

 

If you are indeed real, you are 100% crossing boundaries. But as I said I don't believe this is real because even someone who is willing to engage in this stuff knows its not right.

[Karen875]

Sorry for not replying as often, Im a little busy. I spoke to her today and told her we shouldn't even speak until after graduation. She got upset because Im the only one she talks to so I decided that we would still talk but cool down on the flirting until she graduates.

[manders_01]

Sorry for not replying as often, Im a little busy. I spoke to her today and told her we shouldn't even speak until after graduation. She got upset because Im the only one she talks to so I decided that we would still talk but cool down on the flirting until she graduates.

 

Cool down? Cool down?!? Stop it! Stop it completely! And no matter how hard it is, you need to stop all contact! I agree with Trimmer, it seems like you're looking for someone to tell you this is okay. It's not.

 

You're young and you're putting your entire future career in jeopardy. If you truly believe she is worth it and vice versa, she will respect you enough to also back off and protect the potential for a future. High school's hard, no doubt, but she needs to be proactive about finding people of her own age to be friends with. Until after graduation, no teacher should be friends with any students. Period.

[Zahara]

Sorry for not replying as often, Im a little busy. I spoke to her today and told her we shouldn't even speak until after graduation. She got upset because Im the only one she talks to so I decided that we would still talk but cool down on the flirting until she graduates.

 

So much wrong with all of this, which has already been said on here.

 

Along side of that, did you ever think that when this girl graduates and then leaves for college, a whole new world is going to open up for her. You want to jeopardize your career for that type of uncertainty?

 

Cool down on the flirting? This sounds like a child leading a child.

[Mariposa10]

Are you out of your mind? What good can come out of this situation?

 

Don't act on it!!! See this as a fantasy or something, but don't do anything about it!!

 

Find someone your own age, please.

[MalachiX]

Cool down? Cool down?!? Stop it! Stop it completely! And no matter how hard it is, you need to stop all contact! I agree with Trimmer, it seems like you're looking for someone to tell you this is okay. It's not.

 

The OP clearly knows what she's doing but has no interest in taking responsability for it. The more time we waist letting her justify her actions; the more it validates her sense that she's not doing something wrong.

 

She knew this was wrong before she posted on these boards and she still knows now. She just doesn't care.

 

We have this BS view in our society that all's fair in love and war and people don't have to be responsible for their actions. Sure, we'll scold someone for doing something wrong WHILE they're doing it but, after a little while, we just shrug and give them a pass. She's counting on the belief that, if she waits, there aren't going to be consequences. She figures that when they're a couple and the girl is a bit older, no one will care how they met.

 

To some extent, that's probably true. She'll probably have a period where she can keep a hold of this girl who she managed to snag because she was in a position of power over her. Then, at some point, the girl is going to grow up and one of two things will happen.

 

A.) The OP won't find her as attractive because she now has a mind of her own and is less subservient.

 

or....

 

B.) The girl is either going to get bored with the OP (as the older she gets the less sophisticated and mature the OP will seem) or she'll resent how she got snagged into the relationship (which is the most likely option).

 

Either way, as soon as the OP indulges in the relationship her career is over (if it isn't already).

Edited December 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Zahara]

I have a feeling she was hoping for someone to say it was okay, and especially agree that waiting after graduation would be the ticket.

 

Listen to your own advice. This is essentially what this thread is about. Wait until graduation. Cool down the flirting.

 

Good luck to you.