Problems between our relationship and her family :/

[maturityassets]

Hello all I'm having some trouble in my current relationship. My girlfriend and I started dating back in April and became an official couple in July so about 8 months now since dating. We love and care for each other as friends and lovers. Very open relationship and we are both in college. I'm a junior and she is a freshman... But we both live at home. The problem is her parents don't want her dating and when they found out back in September they told her to break up with me... We took a little break but it was hard to separate us... The problem is we hardly see each other and when we do it's straight to sex. While it wasn't a problem initially not seeing each other for a while because I got shoulder stabilization surgery i had to stay home to rest as much as possible initially but now that I'm basically healed i would like to see her more but it's so sparingly and of so little time... Like our relationship is in the middle of limbo in all honesty... There is no development as a couple because we don't see each other much... And it all feels odd because it feels more like a long distance relationship even though she lives a 5 minute drive away from me... it just kind of sucks because I kind of keep comparing it to my previous and first serious relationship. While our chemistry is a lot better than it was with my first love, we just don't have the same opportunity to develop as a full fledge couple hanging out with each other's friends or families as normal couples do. Her parents are very strict of her and even though she has been a straight A student all her life while also babysitting her 3 younger sisters along with having a job; they won't allow her to go out ever, let alone have a boyfriend and accept me.

 

Do you guys have any tips for me to be a bit more patient or what we should continue to do?

[maturityassets]

what is the problem with her family?

 

is it personal against you?

 

or they just don't want her dating at all?

 

families make or break relationships.

 

people often minimize it.

 

but it insinuates itself into everything.

 

j

they don't want her dating at all unfortunately. We come from a similar background though, both eastern/southern european ethnicity wise, though I'm very Americanized compared to the rest of my family. So I know how hard it is for her and what a culture clash it is for her parents to accept individualism and autonomy in the US compared to the family oriented society they grew up in, because I've had female cousins have the same problem... But I always assumed that once a pair of parents met the boyfriend that then they would make their judgment. But her parents just didn't want anything to do with it. So it is highly dissapointing because I guess as someone who is at the threshold of adult hood, my relationship on the other hand feels like it belongs to the early life of middle school and high school. Where relationships were hidden from the parents and it was hardly serious enough to do the things adult couples usually do like make plans for the holidays or support each other's projects. I mean she is trying to get the RA position at her university in order for her to have more freedom from her parents and pretty much be free to go out whenever she wants but she will still guilty of having to covering this up or not posting it on Facebook.... And while these seem like small things it is still limiting of those aspects that makes couples attached to one another. Of course it is only so many times worse for her because she is the one living under there roof.

[maturityassets]

hi maturityassets,

 

this is wonderful.

 

surely this counts for much in the eyes of her parents?

 

are they even aware of this? have you told them directly?

 

if so, then could they be somewhat feigning an iron fist,

to go along with tradition?

 

perhaps a rite of passage, to not make it easy for you?

 

 

 

your compassion & noble intentions really show through in what you say here.

 

can you not say this to her parents?

 

that you shouldn't have to hide.

 

that you would like the relationship room to grow,

with their consent/blessing/watchful eye/guidance, etc.

 

it seems everyone has her best interests at heart.

 

it would seem sharing that in common with her parents

 

can be demonstrated by you somehow?

 

so you can be unified in support of her?

 

can you be a mediator in her r.a. move?

ask them what concerns them about it,

& explain howyou can give her some safety & security

to allay fears they have about it?

 

 

 

j

 

I haven't had the opportunity to meet them. While she had told them that I was a guy who wanted to meet them, they never gave the OK to her. I have offered to come over regardless and show them that I do understand their concerns and present the type of guy I am but she is out right terrified of them. She said she would faint at the thought of me meeting them because she doesn't know how they would react or how accepting they would be. The problem is that throughout the summer mutual friends and I told her by college she should let them know about she was dating somebody. But she was too afraid to come forthright about it and never did when college began. But when her parents found out through Facebook via a family friend telling her parents she was dating someone, she tried to deny it. She was so afraid of losing me that she kept denying it only to give it up when she started crying due to a guilty conscience. After that they don't trust her anymore because she had lied to their faces initially when approached. While her mother was slightly empathetic saying she understood what she was going through and that I did sound like an amazing guy, my girlfriend had to listen to her father for the time being. Her father claims a boyfriend would be a distraction to her school work... Yet I myself pride on academic achievement. I'm a double major and know the hard work needed for good grades at the university level.

 

It's just the way they raised her unfortunately, her father borderline emotionally abuses her the way he shames her and plays blame games. He sends her to time out still and she complies! They treat her as a child and yet give her so many responsibilities. So she has no idea how to fight for what she wants or how to risk for the sake of attaining your desire. I mean her parents seem like good members of society, both lawyers. I just think the fact that she is the eldest of 4 daughters they fear giving freedom to one. It all sounds so melodramatic on here smh lol. I just really care for her is all. If it isn't me she is bound to find someone else that her parents would have to accept.

[d0nnivain]

Since family seems important in your culture, where do your parents stand on the issue of you dating? Would your parents being willing to have her & her parents over for dinner so you can express to her parents that dating you will not interfere with her studies?