i got my heart broken, was i just a rebound?

[10cr]

Hey guys,

 

First of all, English isn't my native language so please bear with me on some mistakes.

 

Thanks for taking time and read my story, it is gonna be a long one as I want to try and put in as much detail as possible so that the advice or answers I get from you guys will be as clear as possible. If you guys have any advice or thoughts I'm all ears. I am also writing this to may be find an acceptance or move on so please bear with me. here is what happened.

 

Earlier this year I got to know a girl she is 5 years older than me. I didn't know at first that her on and off again boyfriend is someone who I also know as she is in the same circle of sport friends of mine. We went on the first date together and I found out that she was currently single and she and her ex-boyfriend had been broken up 8 times in the past 2 years. we hit it off very well on the first date despite the fact that she is 5 years older than me (28 and 33). Coincidentally her ex-boyfriend at the time also came back to her and asked her to go back to him that very same day after our date ended. She decided to give it another go with him. When I learned about them reconciling I just simply wish them the best and hopefully it will last this time(as it was only first date with her I wasn't really emotionally attached at all). But later that very night she called me and ask if I could stay around as she likes me a lot and doesn't want me to back off just yet. I foolishly agreed to that as we began to started texting and calling each other more often as time goes by. (I am ashamed for what I did)

 

Throughout that month we keep meeting each other for dates(dinner, movies) and got more attached to each other, all of this was done without her bf knowledge. I was beginning to get attached to her more and more each day and secretly hope that they will break up again eventually.

 

One day that time finally came, they had an argument and he again broke up with her (the same goes for the first 8 times, and he always come back for her). She waited 3 days before she tells me that they broke up and that he actually asked her back the next day and she said no. I was happy and confused at the same time as to why she didn't go back. We then started dating right away.

 

I have to say that during that time she makes me feel really loved, whether by her words or actions. I was sure that she really loved me. She was caring, pay attention to all the little details, makes the effort to go out of her way just to see me, etc.. we basically do everything together 24/7, constantly on phones, text, webcam chatting to bed.

 

Fast forward 3 months, by that time we started talking about our future and how she wants to get married soon, I had already introduced her to my family(it's kind of important since i'm from asian background) But as relationship progresses, she finds herself having conflict with my mother, as she had a bad first impression. She was convince that if we do get married she will never live happily with my mother around(in asian/chinese culture, oldest son take care of parents usually and live near them) She told me the problem, I acknowledge it and all I could say was give it time, I know my mother well and she will eventually come to see that it's not what she think it has to be.

 

She said that it had been in the back of her mind for couple of weeks now and as much as she loves me she doesn't see this relationship going anywhere and that we should start treating each other as friend instead. I plead and asked her to reconsidered that very same day and she started crying, saying that she doesn't have a lot of time left as she wants to be married soon and it will just hurt us more if this continues in the long run. IN the end she agrees that she will give it another thought. 2 days passed and she came back to me with an answer, she said that no matter how she looks at it, it will never work out and we can either continue this dead end relationship or just break it off while continue to treat each other like bf/gf we can explore our options. I wanted to continue relationship with her. She decided that it would not be possible to continue our relationship and breaks up with me that day. As we continue to hang out that day she then confessed that she had started missing her ex-boyfriend, I was actually not that surprised since their relationship ended abruptly(that's what she said when they broke up).

 

I told her that I think it was normal for her to feel that way, and I think it doesn't take 3 months to love someone as much as someone else whom she had longer history and that love itself takes longer than that.

 

The next day we met up again, she told me that she decided to text him and he responded. He wanted to take her on a date. I knew it was pointless to stop her so I let her go on a date with him to see how she really feels and she did. After that date she told me that she still has stronger feeling to me than him but he has better potential for her to get married with (family compatibility, older than her). She said that she still wants to see me everyday despite him wanting to come back into the picture she feels that she will have no time for him at all since she spends all the time doing activities with me. This continue on for about 4-5 days. During those 4-5 days, she would still come see me, hangs out with me, stay over.... she was just so passionate about me and her, saying that she loves this feeling of not having to worry about future relationship and it eases her mind. She really loves me she said. But on the other hand, her ex asked that why would she contact him if she still wants to be with me instead of him, she has no answer. She said she is confused and she is a bad person for making both of us wait for her answer(either come back to me or to him).

 

Then the day after she went to have dinner with her best friend and they went to fortune teller together. Later that night she called me and told me that she had decided to go back to her ex-boyfriend and give him another chance, and that we should remain friends. She loves me very much but it's a dead end between us. Wish me all the best and that she can't be seeing me much anymore as her ex is jealous of me. And just like that it was all over for me.

 

 

 

I was left with so many questions unanswered, even though I got the most obvious one I still have so many feelings and questions left unanswered. So i'd like to ask your opinions and may be share with you all if that's ok.

 

First of all, this makes me feel inadequate, why can't I be older?? what could I have done to prevent the bad first impression between my mom and her??? would it be better for me to live alone without my parents around ??? Is my family wrong in anyway??

 

secondly, confusion?? Was it always him?? was I just a rebound to her, to fill her loneliness?? or she just wanted what's best for herself and chose to go with safer choice?? Why does she still call me Babe, and honey even though she had went back to him and we try to keep minimum contact??? Why does she tell me that she doesn't want me to be sad for too long and she knows exactly how to fix it?

 

Third and most of all sadness, I miss having her in my life, she was basically everything I do for the last 3 months. I will still go do all the activities I usually do, but just without her... And knowing that she's not gonna be there while she's out with her boyfriend just makes me feel like crap first thing in the morning when i wake up.

 

It took exactly 1 week for her to go back to her boyfriend and to break up with me. Now it's been 1 week after we broke up. I try to keep minimum contact to her and it seems like she can sense it, she too is trying to keep it that way. I just have a hard time getting good sleep since as soon as my brain starts running in the morning.

 

Knowing that they might potentially get married in the future really hurts me, I too want to get married soon. I still love her and I think I always will no matter the circumstance, she wasn't my first heartbreak so I'm taking this better than my previous relationships but I thought I had found the right girl since her and I were just so compatible and she makes me feel like I am the biggest man in the world. It also doesn't help that I know her daily routine, where she could be and what she will be doing with her boyfriend, picturing it doesn't help at all.

 

Currently i'm trying to not think about it too much , fall back to my old routines, hang out with friends and family, went out on several dates but I think that's too fast, I would rather be alone for a while than drag some innocent party to involve in my selfishness. I know I want to move on but it's just so hard. 3 months of dating someone shouldn't be this hard !?!?! is it because it's still in honeymoon phase and i think it's too fast?

 

Thanks for listening guys, as I type I feel like I'm slowly letting go and start to heal. IN the mean time I will continue to keep minimum contact to her and just try to appreciate those who actually pay attention to me.

 

Terry

[Toddbt12y1]

You fell in love fast with her. Look, your age is nothing bad. You are what you are, as in age. If she is hellbent against that, there never was any hope. You did nothing srong, and you cannot change anything(nor should you) to keep her.

 

She seems like a girl who doesn't know what she wants. She clearly is this other guy's doormat. She keeps coming back to him, getting the samething. That is a bad sign. Unfortunately for her, no relationship will last with her, from anyone, as long as she is too busy jumping back to her ex, on his whim.

 

Them get married? No. History repeats itself. They will break up again, and she will come crawling back to use you as an emotional cushion. Look, if she cannot accept you for who you are, than tough luck.

 

Your mother probably sensed that she would do this to you, thus, didn't like her. Parents and friends have this way of seeing what we cannot.

 

Idk if it is possible. But you could try going out on your own(far be it for me to say this though...I am not familiar with your culture).

 

I'd consider this a blessing. Keep yourself active. Do not let depression get ahold of you. It will end, in time. But, you must remove all contact with her. She will only do you again like this. She spices you up with these words...that makes you think: so she can keep you around if things fall apart with him.

 

Find someone less disturbed(relationship wise) and who will love you better. Certainly isn't worth worrying over her.

[Winter blue]

I agree with Toddbt, she doesn't know what she wants. In a way, she is emotionally immature to do this to you. If she really loved you, she wouldn't choose to go back to the ex, simple as that.

 

She perhaps did love you at one point, no doubt there was attractions and she was probably sincere about it at the time. But the fact she was never recovered from her breaking up with the ex, makes you the rebound unfortunately. You were there to fill the gaps and you probably gave her what the ex cannot gave to her. I bet you and her ex are quite different personality wise.

 

She was getting frustrated by her on and off relationship with the ex, at the time you came in, you were new and exciting to her, you were a good distraction. However over times, as youself also realised, she start to miss the ex, because literally she never got the time to heal and learn from that broken relationship.

 

I see the problem she brought up (with your mother) as an excuse because, if she really loves you, that should never be a problem. You should see her way of dealing with problems in relationships too, you were only 3 months into it, she already was making excuses to quit, how can you trust her to stick with you if you encounter more problems on the way?

 

She sounds very confused, and the best advice I can give you, is to stay away from her, for now. You need to do what is best for you. You don't want to be with someone who isn't sure if you are the person she wants to be with. She has problem to solve, and she should have not got involved with you before dealing with it.

 

Move on man, go NC. You will get better and I can promise she will come back to you at some point in the future (not necessarily reconciliation), you need to leave her alone, let her miss you, go live your life. Good luck.

[10cr]

Thank you Todd and Winter,

 

This morning I got up and saw msges from her, stupidly I thought it would be ok to reply as long as I keep it short and right at the point. She then called me and we had couple minutes of conversation I felt normal talking to her.. didn't seem to effect me too much. Later on she sent me 2 pictures, they are compilations of many pics that we took together saying that she forgot to give it to me. That confused me a lot, why would she still call me babe/honey, and send me our pics while she's out and about with other guy.

 

Tomorrow I will be returning her belongings and I plan on going NC until I am completely heal. Hopefully this gets better along the way.

 

Thank you for your answers guys

[Toddbt12y1]

Her sweet responses and pictures she is sending you, is meant to keep you locked in. As a back-up guy, if things do not workout with this bf of hers. She is playing to your emotions, even if she doesn't see it as this.

 

Good for you! Keep NC and block her. It makes healing that much faster, that much better. Only be strong.