Thinking of contacting him again even though I shouldn't

[petitefleur]

Hello. I'm posting this hoping have you guys convince me to stop thinking about this guy and move on and I guess because I just need to let it out… If anyone reads it, thanks, I appreciate it.

 

So I met a guy on a dating app and we went out after almost three long weeks of sporadic contact. He seemed perfect but I wasn't invested. I wasn't actively looking to meet someone and only replied because I liked his profile - his pictures not so much. He was more into it than I was and I postponed our first meet because I was nervous. He told me a few days later that he sometimes doubted about me being interested in him because it took me a long time to reply to his texts and I honestly told him I felt overwhelmed when I was in constant communication - I texted a guy once for a month before meeting him (he was out of town) and I was disappointed when I met him. I also felt silly because I got really into it and the guy didn't turn out to be what I expected.

 

So I told him that and he said he understood but that he's very romantic when in a relationship. I'm not very romantic or very into cheesy stuff but I said that sounded good to me. He started texting me less often and we went out a few days later. We met and it went well, I really liked him, his pictures didn't do him justice. We went on a walk for a charity and chatted for a couple of hours afterwards while eating. He walked me to my car and said he wanted to see me again, I said that would be great and hugged goodbye. He didn't try to kiss me but I didn't expect him to since the date wasn't really romantic.

 

Our second date was six days later at a dog park. He kissed me and I froze - he doesn't know it was my first kiss. I have very bad luck with men, I don't put myself out there and the few men who have liked me I didn't like back. I've had first dates but never a second. It was my first second date. I froze and pulled back and he said "Well that was awkward" and I just laughed like an idiot and he just hugged me and we went separate ways. He tried to get me to go his place that day though and I changed the subject… I texted him that night apologizing for the awkward kiss due to "being nervous." I was, I didn't know what to do in that moment, I tend to over think things and the real reason was, I think, that the date hadn't been that romantic either… It was a goodbye kiss but somehow I felt it came out of the blue.

 

He said it was fine but he did get confused. We kept on texting and a few days later he brought up sex and I said I wouldn't sleep with a guy I didn't have a connection with, like Patti Stanger says "No sex before monogamy" lol. I didn't say that though, just that I needed to have feelings for the guy before sleeping with him. He asked me if I've been in love before and I said not really, I didn't want to lie… Then asked "But you've had sex right?" and I said "I'll just say I don't sleep around."

 

He stopped texting for a over 24 hours that time and then texted asking me to go over to his place that weekend for dinner and a movie. I said I wasn't sure I'd hear back from him after what we talked about the other day and he pretended he didn't remember what we talked about and eventually said he doesn't mind waiting for a relationship, as long as I didn't want to wait until marriage, lol. I said I didn't mean that and he said sex is very important in a relationship. I believe so too but I didn't want to sleep with him so soon given that I've never had sex before. I mean, I hadn't even been kissed before either.

 

We went out a third time, to a restaurant because I didn't want to go to his place - I didn't say I didn't want to I just changed the date lol - we had lunch at a very noisy restaurant and could barely talk. We then went to a shooting range and again we could barely talk there, we only did in the car and it wasn't that great, honestly I don't know why, I may come across a bit aloof but I was just nervous and tired of trying not to be nervous and being myself while at the same time being more proper and looking good and feminine, stupid I know. He was nervous too because he was biting his nails… maybe he was just bored, I don't know. The thing is that I pulled back again when he tried to kiss me. Still, it feels to me that he kissed me just out of the blue. I don't know if what I want is foreplay lol before kissing or what it is but I didn't feel any romance and I couldn't get in the mood. This time though he didn't text me again. I apologized a day later and he didn't reply. I texted him yet again a few days later saying I had a good time believe it or not and that I felt sorry for making things awkward and that I hoped he didn't feel that I just wasted his time, that I'm just shy and weird. He didn't reply and it's been a month now and I can't stop killing myself for being so insecure about him kissing me.

 

My insecurities about being a bad kisser is what basically made me lose him. He's the best guy I've ever dated and we have so many things in common that I doubt I'll meet another guy like him. I'm close to 30 years old already and I feel that with him I kind of already had a "foot in door." I cannot even imagine myself going through this again with another guy. This one never knew I'm so unexperienced and that may have made him lose interest anyways but I keep thinking what if? What if I had kissed him back? What if I had put more effort into it?

 

What would you have thought of me if you were in his place?

 

He's still very active in the dating app, he's online at around the same time every day [that I've checked] I don't stalk him, just checked a few times this past week. I was thinking of casually messaging him over there, saying something along the lines of "hey you're still around here" or "have you met anybody yet?" and say happy new year until January. I kind of want to do it just to know I made the effort to try to talk to him again and leave the ball in his court. I don't think it will work but I'll never know until I try…

 

Help?

 

Edit: I forgot to mention he told me before meeting that he's old enough to play games and date immature girls and wants to settle down already.

Edited December 16, 2013 by petitefleur

[MrMeh]

You try calling him and talking about who you actually are instead of who he thinks you are.

[petitefleur]

You try calling him and talking about who you actually are instead of who he thinks you are.

 

I would be honest with him in the event that he replied to my message...

[clia]

Look, you should've just been honest with him from the beginning about your inexperience. Instead you came across as flaky and awkward. He also might have suspected that you are so inexperienced and decided he didn't want to deal with it. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about it now. You already tried to explain yourself and he didn't respond. The early dates are really key and it is so easy to turn someone off, especially when they aren't invested. After three dates, he simply wasn't invested in you and decided to move on.

 

My insecurities about being a bad kisser is what basically made me lose him. He's the best guy I've ever dated and we have so many things in common that I doubt I'll meet another guy like him. I'm close to 30 years old already and I feel that with him I kind of already had a "foot in door." I cannot even imagine myself going through this again with another guy. This one never knew I'm so unexperienced and that may have made him lose interest anyways but I keep thinking what if? What if I had kissed him back? What if I had put more effort into it?

 

It's nonsensical that this is the last guy you will ever meet or date. I mean, come on! You will meet another guy, and you have to chalk this up as a learning experience.

 

What would you have thought of me if you were in his place?

 

I would have thought you were awkward, playing games, and a flake.

 

I think you need to forget about this one and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you expect from him at this point? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but how do you truly imagine this will play out? You might get a friendly but lukewarm response. You might get zero response. How will you feel if these things happen? It certainly won't help bring closure or boost your self-esteem, if that's what you're seeking.

 

He isn't interested. It seems he did like you but you weren't ready for it. That's ok. Maybe he's made a decision that you're not compatible. You haven't heard from him for over a month - let go of it. You really didn't know him all that well so you can't possibly assume he's the greatest you've ever dated or will ever date. Don't let this guy become the benchmark against which all other future dates are measured.

[MalachiX]

What would you have thought of me if you were in his place?

 

Honestly? I'm not trying to be mean because I'm sure this is hard for you but...

 

I would have thought one of two things:

 

1.) You're not really all that interested. You're basically hanging out with me because you have no other options and because you like the attention but don't really like me. In such a case I'm not interested. I might try to "win her over" for a date or two but that's it. I don't want to go out with anyone who isn't into me enough to make the effort.

 

2.) You have 0% experience in dating and aren't compatible with me. I once was in a relationship with someone who had NEVER dated or been kissed before. She didn't let me know this until we had been going out a little and it really was unfortunate. I sensed she didn't have a lot of experience but didn't realize how little. By the time she told me, I felt like I'd gotten trapped in this situation where things had become so much more important for her than I was ready for. It was an exhausting relationship (one which ended badly) and I'd never do it again. If someone is that inexperienced then the only way I'd be cool with it is if they told me early on, were confident and "owned" it, and didn't put a lot of pressure on the relationship because it was their first.

 

All that said, I hope the responses you're getting don't seem too harsh. You're in a tricky place here because there are a lot of men (and women) on these boards who have been burned. Sometimes we use threads like this to vent even though you're just coming here looking for help. Good luck

[petitefleur]

Look, you should've just been honest with him from the beginning about your inexperience. Instead you came across as flaky and awkward. He also might have suspected that you are so inexperienced and decided he didn't want to deal with it. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about it now. You already tried to explain yourself and he didn't respond. The early dates are really key and it is so easy to turn someone off, especially when they aren't invested. After three dates, he simply wasn't invested in you and decided to move on.

He would've ran away the second I told him I've never had sex. When he asked he said "But you've had sex, right?" If I had told him I didn't kiss him back because it was my first kiss it'd be understood that I'm a virgin. I planned on telling him but it was too soon, IMO.

 

It's nonsensical that this is the last guy you will ever meet or date. I mean, come on! You will meet another guy, and you have to chalk this up as a learning experience.

 

 

 

I would have thought you were awkward, playing games, and a flake.

 

I think you need to forget about this one and move on.

I'm 27 years old and look how long it took me to get a 2nd and 3rd date I may sound dramatic but I honestly think I'll end up forever alone… I'm going to be one of those crazy cat ladies.

 

Thanks for your honesty though and for taking the time to read my wall of text.

 

 

What do you expect from him at this point? I don't mean that in a snarky way, but how do you truly imagine this will play out? You might get a friendly but lukewarm response. You might get zero response. How will you feel if these things happen? It certainly won't help bring closure or boost your self-esteem, if that's what you're seeking.

 

He isn't interested. It seems he did like you but you weren't ready for it. That's ok. Maybe he's made a decision that you're not compatible. You haven't heard from him for over a month - let go of it. You really didn't know him all that well so you can't possibly assume he's the greatest you've ever dated or will ever date. Don't let this guy become the benchmark against which all other future dates are measured.

I don't want to boost my self-esteem, I just want to do my part to try to get another chance. I know I turned him off and even if he replied and wanted to meet again I would be so embarrassed. I would probably try to explain thing again via text. It just hurts knowing it was my fault and that I ruined it. I also keep worrying about accidentally bumping into him at the grocery store or a restaurant and the situation being really awkward, that is another reason why I sent him a second text back then.

 

Thank you for your time.

[Targetlock]

well i'm 27 and never got past the second date (though i'm male) so you are not the only one, you will get another chance though i don't think with this guy though.

[petitefleur]

Honestly? I'm not trying to be mean because I'm sure this is hard for you but...

 

I would have thought one of two things:

 

1.) You're not really all that interested. You're basically hanging out with me because you have no other options and because you like the attention but don't really like me. In such a case I'm not interested. I might try to "win her over" for a date or two but that's it. I don't want to go out with anyone who isn't into me enough to make the effort.

 

2.) You have 0% experience in dating and aren't compatible with me. I once was in a relationship with someone who had NEVER dated or been kissed before. She didn't let me know this until we had been going out a little and it really was unfortunate. I sensed she didn't have a lot of experience but didn't realize how little. By the time she told me, I felt like I'd gotten trapped in this situation where things had become so much more important for her than I was ready for. It was an exhausting relationship (one which ended badly) and I'd never do it again. If someone is that inexperienced then the only way I'd be cool with it is if they told me early on, were confident and "owned" it, and didn't put a lot of pressure on the relationship because it was their first.

 

All that said, I hope the responses you're getting don't seem too harsh. You're in a tricky place here because there are a lot of men (and women) on these boards who have been burned. Sometimes we use threads like this to vent even though you're just coming here looking for help. Good luck

 

How soon would you have wanted to know she didn't have experience? I need to know what to do next time I'm in this situation. It's really hard for me to just bring it up because I'm not even religious. I don't know how to "own" it because I didn't chose this. It's just not my nature to hook up with guys as easily as most girls do here, I'm from another culture, raised in another country.

 

I would LOVE to have a physical, sexual relationship with my significant other once we became somewhat serious, I'm a virgin but I'm not asexual. Many times I've wished I had someone to relieve my needs with, it's really difficult… and guys will just assume I won't sleep with them because I've never done it before or that I'll become obsessed with them. I'm not 16 years old. I'm not in love with this guy, he was my first kiss but I didn't feel anything because of being so nervous. That is not the reason I would like to get in contact with him again. I just want to get closer to having a relationship with a guy.

Edited December 17, 2013 by petitefleur

[petitefleur]

well i'm 27 and never got past the second date (though i'm male) so you are not the only one, you will get another chance though i don't think with this guy though.

Awe, I'm sorry. I hope you get a 2nd date and more soon!

[Blade96]

Hi little flower (I know that's your name in English)

 

You sound like a cool girl who just got nervous. That';s ok though. Next time, be honest and say you don't have much experience. That'll let him know without coming out and saying "I'm a virgin" which might be too much for him to handle. The right guy will be mature enough to handle it, anyway.

[ktya]

I dont mean this in a cruel way, although it will likely come across that way. But you are frigid. You need to work on that.

 

If you really do like this guy even if you arent sure if you want to walk down the isle with him just yet you should just let go and kiss him. Make out with him. Hold out on the sex until you are comfortable about it but at least give him some serious makeout sessions if you really are into him.

 

The guy probably thinks you arent into him, or worse - that you're stringing him along. I've kissed a chick during the first few hours after I met her just to make sure I was on the right track and wasnt getting friend zoned. If you've gone on multiple dates with him and keep rejecting his kiss he may be afraid that he is there.

 

All that said you do need to stick with what you are comfortable with, but girl, being 30 years old and having your first kiss means you are likely a virgin too (while I may be wrong its a pretty educated guess).

 

If you maybe sit him down after kissing and making out with him a bit and tell him that peice of information and explain how you are a bit scared he will probably figure he hit the jackpot and you will get the absolute royal treatment out of him and all the patience on his part that you need.

[MalachiX]

Hey Petite. I'm going to be kinda blunt so, once again, hope i don't come off as mean.

 

How soon would you have wanted to know she didn't have experience? I need to know what to do next time I'm in this situation. It's really hard for me to just bring it up because I'm not even religious. I don't know how to "own" it because I didn't chose this. It's just not my nature to hook up with guys as easily as most girls do here, I'm from another culture, raised in another country.

 

So...statements like this are your first problem.

 

I hear statements like this from a lot of guys who havn't dated. They'll say something like, "Yeah, I've never had a sex with a girl but I'm not just some perv who only cares about banging someone and leaving them."

 

I realize your statement wasn't as extreme but it still kinda sounds a little similar. Plenty of people have had more dating experience and aren't just hooking up. Don't create a distinction between yourself and the rest of the world that makes you feel superior to everyone else or inferior to them. Neither is useful.

 

To some extent, "owning it" might be more important than the time frame. If you're confident about yourself and your sexuality then it's less likely to scare a guy off. Most guys run from a woman with no experience for one of two reasons.

 

1.) We don't think she can handle a relationship and are afraid we're going to hurt her.

 

2.) We think she has no idea how to be in a relationship and will either be terrible to date or get super attached super fast just because we're the first guy she's gone out with.

 

If you come off as strong and seem to have your act together, there's less of a chance of having that happen.

 

For instance, you could have said at the end of the first date, "hey, I had a really good time and I'd like to see you again. I havn't dated a huge amount so I like to take the physical stuff a little slowly. I hope that's cool with you."

 

Later, when things start to get sexual, you can let him know that you're a virgin. There's no way to be sure he'll react well to this but being confident and not making things seem like a huge deal is important for the best possible result.

 

I would LOVE to have a physical, sexual relationship with my significant other once we became somewhat serious, I'm a virgin but I'm not asexual. Many times I've wished I had someone to relieve my needs with, it's really difficult… and guys will just assume I won't sleep with them because I've never done it before or that I'll become obsessed with them.

 

I get where you're coming from but I think you're forgetting that sex with you IS higher stakes than it will be than with a lot of other women. I think you should be honest with yourself and with others about this. Any guy you're with is going to be your first and that IS a big deal. If it wasn't then you would have had a first a long time ago.

 

You can own who you are. You can own the fact that you'd prefer to take things slowly on the physical side. You can be realistic.

 

One thing that also scares guys away from girls without much experience is that they seem to have unrealistic expectations. For instance, the girl I went out with wanted to be very physical and kiss a lot. Even wanted me to spend the night with her in the same bed. Yet she didn't seem to have the faintest idea that this would be sexually frustrating for me to do over and over again.

 

I think the real challenge is that many women who go so long without being sexual seem to view sexuality as a "reward" in a relationship rather than just one of the many things that goes into loving another person.

 

I knew I had to end my relationship when that became clear to me. I had been dating this girl for a couple of months and we'd essentially stayed in the exact same place physically (actually had gotten less physical the longer we dated). One time, we were kissing and she suddenly stopped and just wanted to hug. I asked, "Are you OK?"

 

Her: Yeah. This is perfect. This is sweet!

 

Me: Is there any room for us for something more than "sweet."

 

Her: What do you mean.

 

Me: Listen, I don't want to pressure you at all because I think it's totally cool for you to go at whatever pace you need to and do things when you're ready. I'm certainly not in a position to give anyone advice on their sexuality. But I don't know how to just turn that part of myself off as I'm getting to know someone. Passion (or sexuality) is just one of many parts of a relationship. You need to find out if you're emotionally compatible. Intellectually compatible. If you can make each other laugh. And yes, if you're physically compatible. When you're exploring everything else but have put a hold on one aspect, it starts to make that aspect feel a lot more important than it should be. Like a car which is missing a wheel. [i can't believe I was this long-winded]

 

Her: Oh, I understand. It's just, if we wait until we know that we love each other than we're having sex because we love each other and not because we love sex.

 

That last statement pretty much sealed the deal for me. For starters, I'm almost 100% sure it was something she read off a pamphlet promoting waiting until marriage (even though she said she wasn't religious any longer). Nothing makes someone seem more naive and less ready for an adult relationship than quoting you a slogan they read somewhere.

 

More than that however, the fact that she decided to use the word "love" several times suddenly made this feel like a much bigger deal for her than it was for me. It takes me a LONG time to say "I love you" and, when I say it, I don't want it to be because I want to get laid. For that matter, I don't know if I'd be 100% sure I really loved someone if I had never really gotten a sense of intimacy or passion from them. That doesn't mean we'd need to have sex but I'd need to feel that they were a sexual person who was passionate about me (something I never got from this girl).

 

If this were another girl, I'd probably have continued the relationship a little longer to see if I grew to fall for her. With this one however, I didn't feel like I was going to fall in love and her expectation that she'd find love with the first guy she dated made me feel like she wasn't getting into this with her eyes open and I was risking hurting her more the longer we dated.

[MalachiX]

I'm not 16 years old. I'm not in love with this guy, he was my first kiss but I didn't feel anything because of being so nervous. That is not the reason I would like to get in contact with him again. I just want to get closer to having a relationship with a guy.

 

If you want to get closer then date more guys and try not to put physical contact on such a pedestal.

 

I mentioned the girl i dated because you guys sound similar in some respects (all though she started off a lot more aggressive and confident with things like kissing but then held back once we were actually dating).

 

I think a lot of older virgins seem to see sexuality and relationships in overly simplistic terms. They often have the impression that either you're interested in love and thus you ignore sex until you know you've met the one or you want nothing but sex and don't care about a relationship.

 

Sex shouldn't be the only part of a relationship but it also shouldn't be something that's conditional or put on hold until you're positive that every other aspect is 100% perfect.

 

You said you have desires and urges so you need to let some of those out. I'm not saying you need to pounce on the first guy you meet or even have sex before you're ready. I'm just saying you need to be OK with showing a sexual side to the person you're dating. If assume that this sexuality is just going to magically appear once you guys have gotten deep into a relationship then you're setting yourself up for failure or you're going to attract someone with no sex drive.

[petitefleur]

First of all, thank you for taking the time to reply, MalachiX.

 

I didn't mean it to sound like I pretend I'm superior; I don't condemn people for having sex. I don't think I'm a better person for not doing it, if anything, I'm at a disadvantage for not doing it.

 

I understand what a big deal sleeping with me would be for a man, those you mentioned are valid concerns. I did tell him I would prefer to take things slow via text because I'm not used to dating in this country. That's what I said instead of saying I don't have much experience because I know that would've scared him. He didn't seem to have a problem with that.

 

Things then started getting sexual, flirting via text, and that's when the conversation I mentioned in the OP took place, which was me saying I needed to have feelings for the person before sleeping with them and him later asking me if I had been in love before and if I've had sex before. I regretted having mentioned "feelings," but at the moment it sounded better than using the word LOVE. At this point, I don't want or expect love before sex, just trust. And I guess that comes down to my insecurities. I need to at least trust the person because I'm not comfortable with myself, physically, emotionally and about my lack of experience.

 

I have to admit that I wasn't aware of how dating works before this. I'm not looking for a fairytale romance, I'm not a romantic woman with crazy, unrealistic expectations - I'm just ignorant!

 

Before going out with this guy I had NO idea about having sex on the 3rd date, it never crossed my mind that a guy would want to sleep with me in less than a month of dating. In my head, the right guy would wait until we agreed to date exclusively and got to know each other a little better. I'm sure there are guys who would do that - this one made it sound like he would before I ruined it.

 

I will also admit that I grew up thinking men get bored once they get used to having sex with you and will want to have a taste of something different and leave you for another woman. I believed I would wait until marriage until I was 16 or so.

 

I never had sex because I'm picky about physical appearance and hygiene and that got in the way of giving a chance to get to know any guy who showed interest in me. The only guy I fell in love with when I was in my early 20's was a friend who I never let myself get close to because he was younger than me. After that, I've had three dates in two years, two of them were just first dates. I don't go out much, I barely have any friends, at school I was a nerd with no social life and straight As. Nobody wanted to have sex with me and I didn't think about it either. Now I have this problem that I never thought I would have.

 

If you want to get closer then date more guys and try not to put physical contact on such a pedestal.

 

I mentioned the girl i dated because you guys sound similar in some respects (all though she started off a lot more aggressive and confident with things like kissing but then held back once we were actually dating).

 

I think a lot of older virgins seem to see sexuality and relationships in overly simplistic terms. They often have the impression that either you're interested in love and thus you ignore sex until you know you've met the one or you want nothing but sex and don't care about a relationship.

 

Sex shouldn't be the only part of a relationship but it also shouldn't be something that's conditional or put on hold until you're positive that every other aspect is 100% perfect.

 

You said you have desires and urges so you need to let some of those out. I'm not saying you need to pounce on the first guy you meet or even have sex before you're ready. I'm just saying you need to be OK with showing a sexual side to the person you're dating. If assume that this sexuality is just going to magically appear once you guys have gotten deep into a relationship then you're setting yourself up for failure or you're going to attract someone with no sex drive.

 

I don't think I put physical contact on a pedestal, I'm just stupid and insecure. I fear him thinking I'm a bad kisser. I'm TOO AWARE of the moment. I think of all the things that could go wrong instead of just closing my eyes and enjoying it.

 

I liked this guy physically, he's attractive but my insecurities (I wondered many times how on Earth he could like me I know... I'm not always this depressive and insecure, just when I'm the center of attention in a vulnerable situation) didn't let me get excited. I was excited after the date, when I realized he tried to kiss me because of the fact that someone liked and wanted me. It made me feel really bad that I didn't anticipate the goodbye kisses, I dreaded them. I'm afraid of being shamed and judged.

 

I'm a theoretical person, I can learn everything about anything but I never have any first-hand experience on anything. I can't seem to learn how to apply what I know.

[petitefleur]

Hi little flower (I know that's your name in English)

 

You sound like a cool girl who just got nervous. That';s ok though. Next time, be honest and say you don't have much experience. That'll let him know without coming out and saying "I'm a virgin" which might be too much for him to handle. The right guy will be mature enough to handle it, anyway.

 

Thanks

 

 

I dont mean this in a cruel way, although it will likely come across that way. But you are frigid. You need to work on that.

 

If you really do like this guy even if you arent sure if you want to walk down the isle with him just yet you should just let go and kiss him. Make out with him. Hold out on the sex until you are comfortable about it but at least give him some serious makeout sessions if you really are into him.

 

The guy probably thinks you arent into him, or worse - that you're stringing him along. I've kissed a chick during the first few hours after I met her just to make sure I was on the right track and wasnt getting friend zoned. If you've gone on multiple dates with him and keep rejecting his kiss he may be afraid that he is there.

 

All that said you do need to stick with what you are comfortable with, but girl, being 30 years old and having your first kiss means you are likely a virgin too (while I may be wrong its a pretty educated guess).

 

If you maybe sit him down after kissing and making out with him a bit and tell him that peice of information and explain how you are a bit scared he will probably figure he hit the jackpot and you will get the absolute royal treatment out of him and all the patience on his part that you need.

I'm not frigid, I'm insecure (see previous posts)... but thanks. I will remember your advice if I ever have another chance.

[MalachiX]

Things then started getting sexual, flirting via text, and that's when the conversation I mentioned in the OP took place, which was me saying I needed to have feelings for the person before sleeping with them and him later asking me if I had been in love before and if I've had sex before. I regretted having mentioned "feelings," but at the moment it sounded better than using the word LOVE. At this point, I don't want or expect love before sex, just trust. And I guess that comes down to my insecurities. I need to at least trust the person because I'm not comfortable with myself, physically, emotionally and about my lack of experience.

 

Before going out with this guy I had NO idea about having sex on the 3rd date, it never crossed my mind that a guy would want to sleep with me in less than a month of dating. In my head, the right guy would wait until we agreed to date exclusively and got to know each other a little better. I'm sure there are guys who would do that - this one made it sound like he would before I ruined it.

 

There's nothing wrong with needing to trust the other person. You shouldn't let your need for this make you feel insecure. There's also nothing wrong with needing to have "feelings" or using that word.

 

Not everyone has sex on the third date (far from it). Nothing you said in the above paragraph screams VIRGIN! I think it's probably has a lot more to do with HOW you explained things to him. I'd never have any issue with a confident girl telling me she wanted to take things slow because she needs to trust someone first. In fact, I don't think I'd even need her to tell me that.

 

Seriously, try not to look at everything in such extreme terms.

 

I have to admit that I wasn't aware of how dating works before this. I'm not looking for a fairytale romance, I'm not a romantic woman with crazy, unrealistic expectations - I'm just ignorant!

 

I wasn't trying to pick on you before (and hope I didn't give that impression). I think what you need to realize is that being ignorant is likely going to give you unrealistic expectations. How else could you know what to expect in a relationship when you've never been in one?

 

 

 

I will also admit that I grew up thinking men get bored once they get used to having sex with you and will want to have a taste of something different and leave you for another woman. I believed I would wait until marriage until I was 16 or so.

 

Consider the logic of that though. If a guy is going to get bored once you have sex then why bother marrying them in the first place? Would you want to live with someone who is dying to get out of the relationship but can't because he married you? That kinda thing seems like it would lead to a cheating husband.

 

I'm not saying that there aren't guys who are jerks and who might do that. I'm just saying that you'd never want to be with them anyway so don't try to play by a set of rules made for them.

 

I never had sex because I'm picky about physical appearance and hygiene and that got in the way of giving a chance to get to know any guy who showed interest in me.

 

Well, I think a guy should take care of his hygiene. I don't know how picky you are on a physical level. Do you want someone who is more attractive than you are because that's an issue that seems to hold a lot of people back.

 

The only guy I fell in love with when I was in my early 20's was a friend who I never let myself get close to because he was younger than me.

 

How much younger? BTW, where ARE you from? It seems like you have a lot of cultural hang-ups.

 

I don't think I put physical contact on a pedestal, I'm just stupid and insecure. I fear him thinking I'm a bad kisser. I'm TOO AWARE of the moment. I think of all the things that could go wrong instead of just closing my eyes and enjoying it.

 

First of all, stop calling yourself stupid. Insecurity isn't attractive and you don't want to lure in guys who are drawn to you because they think they can control you because of self-esteem problems.

 

As for worrying if you're a bad kisser, who cares?

 

One thing which I think would help a lot of older virgins (which they rarely ever do); is to try to date someone who ISN'T your top choice. Have a relationship which you know will be casual but which you can learn to feel more comfortable doing some of the dating stuff with. Get comfortable kissing. Get used to learning how to interact with someone else. Maybe even have sex if you feel like it (or wait if you don't).

 

It's a shame to think that you might be missing out on people you could be compatible with just because you're inexperienced.

 

I've dated people I wasn't nuts about twice in order to get over certain hurdles. The first time was when I was 20 because I'd never had a real relationship (just one high school girl who was kinda my GF because I couldn't get up the courage to break up with her and a few minor hook-ups at college parties). Having that relationship (brief as it was); helped clarify things so I was able to meet someone who I REALLY fell in love with. We were together for three years and then we broke up. After that, I had this awful period where I'd forgotten how to date (never really was that good at it to start). It took me almost two years to actually date someone again (minus a few drunken make-out sessions); and even that was a pretty minor relationship. After that, I had another few years without any kind of real relationship. Worse yet, I blew an opportunity with someone who I was REALLY interested in because I still felt so insecure about my dating skills (that's another story I won't bore you with). It took going out with two people who I wasn't crazy about but who I still enjoyed their company to finally start to feel a bit more comfortable again. And I'm still not there yet. I still havn't met someone I really care about (only had a few short relationships or flings). But at least, by getting out there, I know my problems aren't a lack of understanding how to date.

 

I'm a theoretical person, I can learn everything about anything but I never have any first-hand experience on anything. I can't seem to learn how to apply what I know.

 

If you're a theoretical person then maybe you should try out an assignment/experiment:

 

Force yourself to have at least one date a month. Join an OKCupid (or some other online dating site) or try to approach guys who you find attractive. Spend some time doing research online on how to approach guys (there's a ton of articles); and how to create a good dating profile (it wont' be hard since women get a TON of attention online).

 

Find guys who may not be crazy about but who you think might have a small chance of being fun to date. Go out on the dates with the objective to have a good time but, more importnatly, to LEARN something. Approach this like field research. Experiment with how to let them know you'd like to see them again. Experiment with how to get a second date. Experiment with kissing and all that other stuff.

 

Do not do anything with the expectation of love or a relationship. Do all of this as a way to educate yourself. Just as anyone can use the internet to teach themselves how to cook or how to use photoshop, you're going to use the internet to teach yourself how to date.

 

I also suggest you keep a journal/blog of your experiences. You're doing this because you need to remember what happens. You're also doing this because you want to be able to laugh at yourself (instead of beat yourself up); when things go wrong. Every time a date sucks or you feel embarassed, you're going to turn it into a funny story to put in your journal/blog.

 

People who have dated a lot don't have a bunch of stories of success. If they did, they wouldn't still be dating. They have a bunch of funny failure stories that they can laugh about and learn from. This is what you're going to develop.

 

Guys aren't scared of a girl who has had a lot of bad dates. They're scared of a girl who has had NO DATES.

 

You're going to fix that. You're going to spend the next six months (or so); forcing yourself to experiment and figure this stuff out (without worrying about finding love). By the time you're done with that; dating may not be as easy for you as it is for some people (those lucky SOBs for which this stuff comes naturally); BUT you're going to be in much better shape. Having real experience under your belt is going to stop you from making the same mistakes twice and teach you how to hold yourself with confidence.

 

Give it a try. It helped me. You're a girl so at least you won't be hard pressed for options and it won't cost you a ton of money

[CrystalCastles]

The statement that really jumped out at me was when you said that you didn't want to give off the impression that you were a virgin in the event that the guy bails. Hun, if the guy bails because you're a virgin, then he isn't worth it. A guy who likes you won't care if you're a virgin or not. Being a virgin isn't some kind of disgrace. You got to start somewhere.