susanl Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 So a quick question. I have been dating this wonderful guy for over a year. I love doing for him and his kids, I have two kids of my own but one in college and one a senior. I live about 30 min away from him and i understand because of the ages of his children 14/16 it is easier for me to go up there--so here is my question--I know he is committed to me--but I have been getting this feeling he is to comfortable--I think I have made it to easy for him--I don't think he is taking me for granted but just that --he expects things--SOOOOOO what do I do to get him to realize what I do for him and his kids and not to just expect me to be at the basketball game, or dinner, or meeting. Now understand I don't want to loose him but I also don't want to be taken advantage of. So part of me says ok don't call, wait for him etc--but then I end up being by myself--so is this just a vicious circle that I stay with or does anyone have some good suggestions. Thanks for all your help
FairyTail Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 This is tricky. My roommate is actually experiencing a similar situation with her significant other, and I see it very clearly. My suggestion to you is to stop helping him out so much -- yes, there does come a point where it might effect the relationship negatively, but that point is so intricately woven into both of your psyches that it would be next to impossible for me to advise you on the limit to which you help should stop. But, perhaps you should stop calling him for a while -- not stop talking to him, but let him call you. Don't pop over unexpectedly. Don't pop over when you're expected. He will more than likely start to see holes in everyday patterns and see where you helped him out so much, and begin to notice that that extra hand is no longer there, and, more importantly, just how much that help meant to him. People are just like that, sometimes. We don't always know what we have until it has disappeared. Use this to your advantage.
Author susanl Posted January 4, 2005 Author Posted January 4, 2005 Thats what I am talking about--I think your suggestions are great but the only thing--because of my personality--if when I go to his house and its not clean or the wash needs to be done--I don it when I want to spend time with him--but he also is a single dad who works about 10 hrs a day and shouldn't be expected to do it all. But also his kids should chip in but they don't and he questions whether or not he is a good dad if he expects it of them--now it would be different if we were married but we are not and I realize this. He is a great dad, a great provider but --I want this to work so thanks for your suggestions and I guess I have to decide.
Author susanl Posted January 4, 2005 Author Posted January 4, 2005 One last thing--so tomorrow is his daughters birthday but she is spending it with her mom and he had a meeting to go to that I was going to go with him but--he calls me today and says that the three of them and ex wife might be going to celebrate her birthday together. Now yes it gives me a little twinge of hurt but hey she is 14 so thats ok--now as a side track it is my sons 18th birthday also tomorrow and he and my daughter(for her last day before she goes back to college) is spending it with their dad and his wife--this is still ok with me. The problem is that I was going to go help him in his office tomorrow and all I did was ask him tonight when he got back from his daughters game to call me and let me know the plans for tomorrow. I figured if he called I would go up and help him for a little bit--spend some time with my kids and then everything is hunky dorey. Well I didn't call--just like you said. I get this IM a little bit ago that says kiss--good night. Now my point is if he has the time to do that can he not pick up the phone. I don't want to be mad--I just want some understanding. So as of 11:00 tonight I think I am taking my daughter out to lunch and for some shopping tomorrow and then I will make a big salad for me for dinner and a glass of wine and turn up the stereo--but if and when he calls tomorrow how do I come across as not being mad, as still caring for him , but making him understand that all I wanted him to do is call and tell me the plans--I am sure he gave his ex wife the plans for the birthday dinner tomorrow night(sorry that was ugly but)---any help would be greatly appreciated I am sure others have been through this before.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 You poor poor dear - I understand completely! I too suffer from a giving personality - my shrink is now insisting that I maintain radio silence with my b/f until he really starts really wondering what is going on. I have made it so easy for him all along, that he has totally taken me for granted. Even when I have expressed my needs - on 2 separate occassions, over the course of 3 months - he has not met them. So now the thought process is that I need to have him miss me. Gosh it is so hard! Yes my answer to you would be to be very sweet when he calls tomorrow. Simply tell him you asked him to call to solidify plans, and when he didn't you made other arrangements. No need to be angry - you are an independent woman with your own life - he will have to recognize that and learn to be more respectful of your time and appreciative of all you do. Best of luck to you.
FairyTail Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 About the ex-wife: Don't worry about her at all. My parents have been divorced since I was 5 and I know there is no chance at all of them being funny. I think that your plans sound great -- concentrate on your kids, especially your daughter because she will go back soon. Have some "Me-Time" and your dinner and unwind. If he calls you, perhaps you should try to act as if everything is alright. Guys can be somewhat insensitive at times, but he probably sees it as he talks to you every day and doesn't need to call. Try to put it out of your mind -- you'll see him again soon. And finally, even though you sympathize with him about working so hard and supporting his children, you are not his housekeeper. What would he do if he didn't have a girlfriend? A girlfriend is someone a person chooses to spend time with and is a privaledge (spelling? It's late.) to have in one's life. He's a big boy -- he can do things himself. And no, he isn't bad to think of asking his children to help out. I'm 22 and my mother raised me as a single mother, and I found it fulfilling and also found it partially my duty to help her as much as I possibly could. But, these are issues he must work out with his children. They're old enough to do their own laundry and clean dishes. If I didn't do my own laundry when I was 14, it didn't get done. Just keep calm, know your priorities, and keep your impulses in check. I believe you will do just fine.
Author susanl Posted January 4, 2005 Author Posted January 4, 2005 Well I read everybody's suggestion and took their advice. As of now late this afternoon I haven't called him. He did call me to tell me his plans had changed for tonight and that he isn't taking his kids and ex out for her birthday because his ex left him and email that said--come for desert and bring the visa--well at least that made me laugh today. Anyhow spent the day with my daughter and I am making a salad for dinner. When he did call asked me my opinion about the meeting he is going to tonight, told me about dinner and asked if I wanted to go to the meeting I could meet him there. I think I finally get it--I don't think he is thoughtless he just doesn't think. Maybe its a guy thing or something I just don't understand. But my plan is to try not to get mad or upset and eat at home tonight and watch the football game go to bed get up and start all over. Daughter is leaving tomorrow and he doesn't have his kids tomorrow night and mine is with his dad for dinner and the night--so I guess we will have dinner and I will spend the night up there--but I think I will wait for him to ask me what I am doing. Maybe everyone is right--if you don't make it so easy they will understand what you do. Well thanks for listening and I hope you keep the suggestions coming--they have really helped.
FairyTail Posted January 4, 2005 Posted January 4, 2005 I'm so pleased to see that everything is working out smoothly for you -- you did a good job. And yes, some men just do not understand or think things out very carefully...and women are the people who must suffer the consequences.
Author susanl Posted January 4, 2005 Author Posted January 4, 2005 Ok so stupid me--so I decide to call him before his meeting--ask him what tie he is wearing and just make chit chat so he knows i care but am going to be at my house tonight. We talk, he is eating and then he says think he will go over to his ex tonight after the meeting his daughter invited him for cake--this is fine. He said she had been calling and mad because he won't pick up the tab tonight--and he also says I HATE BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED--now all i said was you think she will let you in if you don't pay for dinner--just a joke---he doesn't say anything --so I say well just call me later if you get the chance. Ok I didn't sound mad but boy I am now--he can get mad at his ex for taking him for granted but he doesn't see what he is doing to me. HE also made the comment of all the work he had to do today (the stuff that I usually do in his office) because it had to be done. Well my thought is, if he would have just asked if I could have come up there for a while and help or can you come help me tomorrow my answer would have been sure. So hopefully before or if he calls tonight I will have calmed down so we can talk--or maybe just not answer the phone. Someone tell me this has happened to them --I love him a ton and want to be with him but this is like an addiction--you want to do over and over but don't know how to stop just so that he can see what he has??????
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