True Gent Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Ok, this is a little long winded please bear with me... Me and my now ex Fiancée were together for 9years. We had a very close relationship, we shared so many interests and were pretty much always together. We communicated incredibly well and trusted each other beyond question. We loved each other very much indeed. We've been through a lot together, I took her virginity, we set up a business which failed and bankrupt us. We were financially trying to recover from this. Towards the end of our relationship I had complaints about her having pretty much zero interest in sex. We went to therapy because of her lack of interest. Her lack of interest stemmed from me not showing her enough interest/effort. Not in an emotional or loving way, I really treat her well I was affectionate with her every single day and emotionally supportive of her. The lack of interest was in a more practical sence. She would arrange most of our weekend trips or think of activities for us to do while I mainly went along with whatever she came up with. We were trying to save for our wedding and a house deposit (we always rented, but wanted to buy). However she got bored easily and regularly needed nights out, or wanted to dine out have trips away etc... This is not a problem, but you can't both save hard and do everything else. She was a student, so most of my earnings went on supporting us. I couldn't do everything quite as she wanted. I knew we were having problems and suffered with anxiety attacks for a while which were a major turnoff for her. I did get through the anxiety but by then I think she'd pretty much written me off. Recently she got into running and I supported and helped her with her training. She joined a Facebook group for local runners and was basically hit on by a guy on there. During a period of weeks she attended events with this group in which this man who was interested in her also attended. To cut the story down a bit she ended up getting to know him over a period of about 6 weeks and spent a lot of time alone with him. She decided to leave me blaming our problems for the breakup. She has moved out into her own place now and she is seeing him instantly. I know she has now slept with him, bearing in mind she had only ever slept with me until now this kills me. The thing is, she told me she was leaving but instead of packing and taking time to actually split with me she spent her time with him. She finally moved out (I almost had to push her out). During her first week of being moved out she regularly came to spend time with me and slept in my bed wrapped in my arms. Why I allowed this was because of clinging onto hope. She gave me mixed messages, saying how confused she was about things yet she spent time with him. She told me she didn't know what she thought of him, but could possibly date him. She loves me but isn't in love with me. I've spent a lot of time socialising to cope with the split and she now thinks I have kissed other women whilst drunk. (I made her think this to gauge her reaction). She phoned me instantly quizzing me on what I was doing. She cried hearing me on the phone in such a drunk state. We are sharing our dogs and when she dropped them off to me last I told her I want her back. She said the only thing stopping that is the fact that nothing would change, our problems would still be there. I've text her a few times and sometimes she won't respond, but a lot of times she has. I know she mainly sees the other man on weekends. She won't discus him with me now, she hasn't admitted to sleeping with him. However she won't deny it either. I'm a right in thinking that she could still hold something for me? She would still enjoy my company if I was in an emotionally stable place (which I'm not right now) and the other day I got the feeling she was liking how I looked physically. She still has a few things at my place which are still to be sorted out. I just don't know what to think or feel, I'd love some advice. I'd like to add that I still love her, I never wanted to split up. I know my mistakes and would work to fix them. I don't know how serious she is about the other guy. She has hurt me beyond belief with her actions lately, but I can't help loving her and missing her. She's been moved out for about 2 weeks. My plan for now is minimal contact for the sake of sharing our dogs only. No more chasing, making her feel bad, or begging. Also I'm trying not to show I'm jealous.
fixing Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Man, really sorry to hear this. But wow, how fooking selfish is your ex! She'a sleeping with some douchbag and yet she comes back to your bed for cuddles? CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW! You are blaming yourself here waaaay to much. You are a working man who basically funded her and her lifestyle. Who gives a **** if you suffered panic attacks, as your fiance she should have been there and stood by you through thick and thin. Anyways, i know your hurting, but this woman has tossed you aside right now and is using you as an emotional crutch. She is having sex with this man, BUT SHE WOULD NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU FOR SO LONG??? Sorry man, but as im typing this i feel like i would kick her ass out, keep the dogs and not look back tbh. Sorry for your pain, you sound like a great guy, entrepreneur. Dont contact her again man. Keep the dogs. Sorry, i got a bit emotional during this reply. Ill come back to the thread in a while after others have commented. 2
Author True Gent Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Man, really sorry to hear this. But wow, how fooking selfish is your ex! She'a sleeping with some douchbag and yet she comes back to your bed for cuddles? CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW! You are blaming yourself here waaaay to much. You are a working man who basically funded her and her lifestyle. Who gives a **** if you suffered panic attacks, as your fiance she should have been there and stood by you through thick and thin. Anyways, i know your hurting, but this woman has tossed you aside right now and is using you as an emotional crutch. She is having sex with this man, BUT SHE WOULD NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU FOR SO LONG??? Sorry man, but as im typing this i feel like i would kick her ass out, keep the dogs and not look back tbh. Sorry for your pain, you sound like a great guy, entrepreneur. Dont contact her again man. Keep the dogs. Sorry, i got a bit emotional during this reply. Ill come back to the thread in a while after others have commented. Thank you for your reply. I have cut out the emotional effort from me now. I know what you are saying about her and my friends/family think I've had a lucky escape. My head tells me she isn't worth it, but my heart aches for her. It's so hard, she always had a great way of making me feel like everything that was ever wrong between us was my fault. I see now she is very high maintenance, but I still love her.
fixing Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) Must be awful on you. 9 years together is no joke either. Of course your head and your heart are at war. You just gotta look at the reality of the situation and go with your head on this one mate. Make a plan to implement a strict no contact. Can you keep the dogs? You should for some nice company for the near future. None of this light contact crap either. Yeah and about her blaming it all on you, well it takes two to tango. It also takes two to argue, and TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK. Also sounds like you were nothing but a great partner to her. No contact for sure and think (try) logically and listen to your head/friends/family on this one Edited December 16, 2013 by fixing 1
Author True Gent Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Must be awful on you. 9 years together is no joke either. Of course your head and your heart are at war. You just gotta look at the reality of the situation and go with your head on this one mate. Make a plan to implement a strict no contact. Can you keep the dogs? You should for some nice company for the near future. None of this light contact crap either. Yeah and about her blaming it all on you, well it takes two to tango. It also takes two to argue, and TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK. Also sounds like you were nothing but a great partner to her. No contact for sure and think (try) logically and listen to your head/friends/family on this one So far she has only had the dogs for 3 nights. During her time spent getting to know him before she left and also since moving out, she's had very little to do with them. I'm going to see how it works out with the dogs, I want what's best for them too. I know she looks bad, but in our 9 years we did have a lot of fantastic times together. We were best friends. On the other hand deep down I know I was a great partner/lover to her. She took more than she gave back. It's so hard when your heart feels so strong. Your head just doesn't pull you away. I'm going with no contact. Thanks for your advice bud it helps. It helps me see that she is actually pretty bad.
fixing Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Good man. But seriously, you should make one final contact. And that is about the dogs, and nothing else. If i were you, i would keep the dogs (Sorry, im a dog lover and my big black Labrador stood tall with me when my own BU happened) You really need not talk to her after that. She has chosen this other man. So let them at it. You are an amazing guy from what i can see. Your right too, now you are starting to see just how bad she has treated you. Keep posting here to mate. Its really very helpful with gut wrenching situations like this. Lots of great insight and advice offered. And also take the time to read through others stories because its very comforting to see that your not alone here.
Author True Gent Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 The thing with the dogs is, she won't just give them up that easy. During the next few weeks I'll see how much interest she takes in them. The dogs are here because of her ironically. Now she's left for him and I'm with them the most up to now.
Author True Gent Posted December 23, 2013 Author Posted December 23, 2013 Well since my last post, she has had nothing to do with our dogs. I text her to ask well in advance what her intentions are over the holidays regarding the dogs. She said she'd get back to me and guess what... Nothing. I asked her 5 days ago and she hasn't bothered. She had one of the dogs jackets at her place and I asked her to drop it in because the dog actually needs it. 3 days that took her to drop off and she came at almost midnight with her new man in his car. Stuffed the jacket through the letter box along with a Christmas card from her mum for me. I honestly cannot understand what goes through the mind of a person like this. I could not behave the way she is. I just hope she doesn't start wanting to get involved with our dogs anytime soon because I honestly want nothing to do with her at all. If I was her is couldn't go back to our house with a new partner in his car knowing full we'll I have a good chance of seeing this and drop in a card from her mum to me. I do not understand this at all? Heartless much??
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