My girlfriend broke up with me over e-mail.

[somedude81]

They were obviously not healthy relationships. Did the other party know this? No.

 

A little background, in Case 1 they liked banging each other but she wanted a better lifestyle. In Case 2 the guy was the restless type and just didn't want to be tied down right then. I will add, you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.

 

I recall this gossipy lady telling me one time about how her neighbor's old lady ran off one day. "He thought they were happy," she said.

So in both stories the other person did not know what the other was like or wanted? Meaning in story one, the man did not know the woman wanted a better life and in story two did the woman not know that the man didn't like being tied down?

The problem is many people will put on a happy face and go forward with a relationship because. They made promises and commitments and they want to keep them. They don't want to disappoint people they care about/ their friends and family really like their mate. They fear being alone more than they dislike their relationship. They weren't really in love to begin with and once the novelty of sex with that person wears off they find that they can't really stand them.

I think it should be easy to tell if your partner can't really stand them. Unless that person is a hell of an actor. Even then, how can you not stand somebody if there is nothing wrong with the relationship?

 

I hate to hijack this thread, but if my ex told me that she broke up with me because she could no longer stand me, I would be extremely hurt and angry. Mainly because it means she was constantly lying to me.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't get why the medium is so important. The message is the same regardless. It could have been delivered by a pigeon courier.

[soccerrprp]

*That could just be women who idealize marriage who are remembering the past more negatively because of the negative result.

 

This is so relevant! But, I also know people who stay in relationships b/c it was easier than not being in one. They had convinced themselves that it was better to be in a hapless relationship, try to focus only on the morsels of good that came from it, than be out there wandering beyond the unknown or worse, goodness forbid.

 

It's tragic. People desperately want affirmation and companionship that they'll tolerate too much and often to their over-all detriment.

[Emilia]

I think it should be easy to tell if your partner can't really stand them. Unless that person is a hell of an actor. Even then, how can you not stand somebody if there is nothing wrong with the relationship?

 

I hate to hijack this thread, but if my ex told me that she broke up with me because she could no longer stand me, I would be extremely hurt and angry. Mainly because it means she was constantly lying to me.

A lot of people choose to be blind, hope things will 'blow over' and are upset when they are broken up with 'out of the blue'. IRL the signs are usually there, most people aren't great actors. I think a lot of people choose to ignore the flags.

[soccerrprp]

A lot of people choose to be blind, hope things will 'blow over' and are upset when they are broken up with 'out of the blue'. IRL the signs are usually there, most people aren't great actors. I think a lot of people choose to ignore the flags.

 

Here, here Emilia. I often have to wonder if the ones who say that they were shocked and it was unexpected were not the reason for the break-up. I sometimes wonder, how could you not know it was coming? Unless you were the cause and took it for granted that your partner was going to continue taking your crap w/o a word?

[Mrlonelyone]

Here, here Emilia. I often have to wonder if the ones who say that they were shocked and it was unexpected were not the reason for the break-up. I sometimes wonder, how could you not know it was coming? Unless you were the cause and took it for granted that your partner was going to continue taking your crap w/o a word?

 

 

 

I don't think that's the case. Much of the time a break up isn't about the dumpee it's about the dumper. It really isn't you it's them, but not the way they mean it when they say it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Often when things are going well the dumper feels pressure to take things to a level that they aren't ready for. Then instead of asking to go slower, or trying to work within a otherwise good relationship they end it. Sometimes they just aren't ready for a relationship to go to that level. i.e. the people I mentioned who now say that they were marrying the wrong guy.

 

 

 

Most relationships don't last more than 1-3 years. According to psychologist who research this sort of thing relationships of that age are likely based on infatuation or limmerance. This person is novel and new and the feeling of being in a relationship with someone like them is novel and new. This is the honeymoon. Eventually the honeymoon ends. It could be sooner or latter. When it does, many people think they aren't in love anymore and they break up to seek out the next honeymoon feeling.

 

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201209/limerence-in-love-obsessed-or-both

 

 

Limerence is characterized by:

 

• Obsessive thinking about the object of your affection
  

 

 

 

• Irrationally positive evaluation of their attributes
  Also known as, "Oh, he's an axe murderer? I can work with that."
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Emotional dependency
  

You feel like you need him/her around to just be able to breathe. You feel an ache when they are not around - even when they are just at their office ten miles away. Or in the next room.

 

 

Then when it's reciprocated and you get married.....

False Forms of Love: Limerence and Its Alluring Lies - What is Love, Dr. Cookerly? | What is Love, Dr. Cookerly?

With much dismay in his voice Ronald said, “Three years ago I was sure I was head over heels in love with my wife, Helen. About a year ago that all-encompassing feeling just seemed to evaporate. I don’t know what happened. Something must be wrong with me. We have tried to rekindle our love but nothing we do works. It is not anything Helen has done wrong. She’s the same. There’s not anyone else. This can’t be how love works, can it?”

The answer to Ronald questions is “no” this is not how healthy, real love works but it is typical of a form of false love called limerence. Limerence is thought to be one of the significant causes of breakups and divorce.

 

TL;DR: It may not be anything the dumper did when this sudden change happens. Assuming the dumpee wasn't putting on a front during courtship, and did not change really after the relationship, then the only thing that changes is how the dumper looks at the dumpee. Or they dumper reevaluates life with the dumpee and wants to make a big change.

[soccerrprp]

I don't think that's the case. Much of the time a break up isn't about the dumpee it's about the dumper. It really isn't you it's them, but not the way they mean it when they say it.

 

Often when things are going well the dumper feels pressure to take things to a level that they aren't ready for. Then instead of asking to go slower, or trying to work within a otherwise good relationship they end it. Sometimes they just aren't ready for a relationship to go to that level. i.e. the people I mentioned who now say that they were marrying the wrong guy.

 

Most relationships don't last more than 1-3 years. According to psychologist who research this sort of thing relationships of that age are likely based on infatuation or limmerance. This person is novel and new and the feeling of being in a relationship with someone like them is novel and new. This is the honeymoon. Eventually the honeymoon ends. It could be sooner or latter. When it does, many people think they aren't in love anymore and they break up to seek out the next honeymoon feeling.

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201209/limerence-in-love-obsessed-or-both

 

Limerence is characterized by:

 

• Obsessive thinking about the object of your affection
  

 

 

 

• Irrationally positive evaluation of their attributes
  Also known as, "Oh, he's an axe murderer? I can work with that."
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Emotional dependency
  

You feel like you need him/her around to just be able to breathe. You feel an ache when they are not around - even when they are just at their office ten miles away. Or in the next room.

 

 

Then when it's reciprocated and you get married.....

False Forms of Love: Limerence and Its Alluring Lies - What is Love, Dr. Cookerly? | What is Love, Dr. Cookerly?

 

 

TL;DR: It may not be anything the dumper did when this sudden change happens. Assuming the dumpee wasn't putting on a front during courtship, and did not change really after the relationship, then the only thing that changes is how the dumper looks at the dumpee. Or they dumper reevaluates life with the dumpee and wants to make a big change.

 

Thanks. I appreciate this and also would like to caution others who read on this subject. Limerence IS NOT A HEALTHY, necessarily NATURAL part of any relationship. When I met my late wife of 12-years, I did not resemble the description given for limerence. I understand the honey-moon phase and the feelings from it waning and reigniting in any relationship, but that is to be expected. If one's feelings are so great that they become obsessive, it is clearly not healthy.

 

Limerence may be common, but it is not a necessary part of a relationship. I also seriously doubt it's about the dumper ONLY. I know you are not suggesting this, but typical human behavior and interaction (and experience) lends much to the very clear evidence that the dumpee is often at fault for the relationship failing. To deny that is to deny common human behavior and dynamics.

[tricolors]

Just for some more background without being too specific. As mentioned in the first post of this thread, there is another poster here on this forum who I have talked to a weekly basis since April.

 

She pretty much knows everything about our relationship, at a depth that would far better explain things written here. She knows I was good in this relationship.

 

To be concise:

 

I was very good to her. No one is perfect, but I treated her very well. We got along fabulously.

 

This is 100 percent truthful, and worth repeating: In nine months of knowing each other, we never once raised our voices at each other or said a bad thing to each other. Not once.

 

That said, she was a poor communicator in many ways. She also has a history of bouncing around from place to place and job to job. She's 40 years old with a college degree, and the longest job she's ever held was four years.

 

Obviously, she didn't want to be with me. And maybe she even had a valid reason(s.) But the truth of the matter is, she never brought up those reasons with me. If she kept things bottled up, it would have been therapeutic and healthy to talk to me about them.

 

In reality, it was for the best. While I have run the gamut of emotions from sad to angry this week, and I am still sure there will be moments of sadness, I am not crushed by this. I will find someone else.

[StanMusial]

So in both stories the other person did not know what the other was like or wanted? Meaning in story one, the man did not know the woman wanted a better life and in story two did the woman not know that the man didn't like being tied down?

 

I think it should be easy to tell if your partner can't really stand them. Unless that person is a hell of an actor. Even then, how can you not stand somebody if there is nothing wrong with the relationship?

 

I hate to hijack this thread, but if my ex told me that she broke up with me because she could no longer stand me, I would be extremely hurt and angry. Mainly because it means she was constantly lying to me.

 

They probably liked enough at the time to give it a try. Or they changed their priorities at some point. Really it could be a million reasons why. I was just pointing out that it happens, seemingly without provocation, more often than you think. OP probably didn't do anything wrong, broad was flaky and shady and couldn't hide it any longer.

[somedude81]

That said, she was a poor communicator in many ways. She also has a history of bouncing around from place to place and job to job. She's 40 years old with a college degree, and the longest job she's ever held was four years.

 

Obviously, she didn't want to be with me. And maybe she even had a valid reason(s.) But the truth of the matter is, she never brought up those reasons with me. If she kept things bottled up, it would have been therapeutic and healthy to talk to me about them.

Alright, so from what I can tell, this was most definitely her and not you. Her being a poor communicator explains the break up email.

 

She also doesn't seem that grounded. Not really a long term person.

[Mrlonelyone]

Alright, so from what I can tell, this was most definitely her and not you. Her being a poor communicator explains the break up email.

 

She also doesn't seem that grounded. Not really a long term person.

 

 

 

Yeah a true LTR requires one of two things. Either both partners need to be where they want to be already except for a BF/GF, spouse; or both partners need to be willing to build their lives together and compromise their individual immediate goals for the good of the couple in a fair way.

 

 

SD, OP, and others. If you are looking for that LTR and that special relationship take a look at his or her life and ask yourselves if one of the two conditions above is true. Are they were they want to be or are they just passing through? Most of the time, sadly, some very good people are just passing through your life. There to learn a lesson and there to teach a lesson.

[somedude81]

A lot of people choose to be blind, hope things will 'blow over' and are upset when they are broken up with 'out of the blue'. IRL the signs are usually there, most people aren't great actors. I think a lot of people choose to ignore the flags.

I've spent a lot of time reading relationship stuff on this forum and on a great deal many other sites.

 

From what I can tell, the main flags are an unwillingness to have sex, lack of intimacy, lack of communication, being too busy to meet up without an actual valid reason, acting differently or cold towards the other person, frequent fights. There are more but I can't think of them.

 

Now if you're in a relationship and none of those are happening how would you come to the conclusion that something is off?

[somedude81]

Yeah a true LTR requires one of two things. Either both partners need to be where they want to be already except for a BF/GF, spouse; or both partners need to be willing to build their lives together and compromise their individual immediate goals for the good of the couple in a fair way.

 

 

SD, OP, and others. If you are looking for that LTR and that special relationship take a look at his or her life and ask yourselves if one of the two conditions above is true. Are they were they want to be or are they just passing through? Most of the time, sadly, some very good people are just passing through your life. There to learn a lesson and there to teach a lesson.

Good points and unfortunately it doesn't explain my situation, since my ex was starting nursing school in January, and not going anywhere for at least two years.

 

Though it is something I will remember in the future.

[Spiraldestroyer]

Damn...And I thought my situation was bad...That is harsh...Dun worry,you'll find someone better!

[soccerrprp]

tricolors,

 

help me to be clear. this is no longer a situation, right? you have broken up. done. so, just move on and learn from your response most of all. if everything was just dandy, which I doubt, then focus on your response to the break-up.

 

good luck.

[Mrlonelyone]

I've spent a lot of time reading relationship stuff on this forum and on a great deal many other sites.

 

From what I can tell, the main flags are an unwillingness to have sex, lack of intimacy, lack of communication, being too busy to meet up without an actual valid reason, acting differently or cold towards the other person, frequent fights. There are more but I can't think of them.

 

Now if you're in a relationship and none of those are happening how would you come to the conclusion that something is off?

 

 

 

Surely you read some of my threads about the woman I called M.... I will try to PM you something on that.

...

 

 

So yes I know what you mean.

 

 

What you have to accept are two things.

 

 

1.) It doesn't matter why someone breaks up with you. Relationships need mutual consent. Without that consent the reasons don't matter.

 

 

2.) The reason, even though it does not matter can be precisely because everything is going so smoothly. When a relationship is going smoothly and one person breaks it off, it is often because of the dumpers fear of cementing a union. Either they dont' want a solid relationship with the dumpee, or at this time in their life with anyone. The magic is gone, or they sabotage the relationship to avoid the vulnerability of attachment.

[StanMusial]

Don't try to understand 'em, just ride and rope and brand 'em.

 

Haha

[tricolors]

 

2.) The reason, even though it does not matter can be precisely because everything is going so smoothly. When a relationship is going smoothly and one person breaks it off, it is often because of the dumpers fear of cementing a union. Either they dont' want a solid relationship with the dumpee, or at this time in their life with anyone. The magic is gone, or they sabotage the relationship to avoid the vulnerability of attachment.

 

This is precisely what my friend here on the forum, who I have been talking to about this relationship since it started on nearly a weekly basis, said verbatim.

 

And she knows waaaaaaay more detail than what has been posted here in my couple of posts.

 

It is worth noting she is actively looking for a job, which would almost certainly require moving. We had touched on, numerous times, about sometime moving together somewhere, on a very basic level of communication.

 

I think that might have played a big part in it all too.

 

If she had moved, I loved her, and I would have tried to get a job wherever she went. But perhaps in the end, I was maybe holding her back.

Edited December 16, 2013 by tricolors

[Mrlonelyone]

This is precisely what my friend here on the forum, who I have been talking to about this relationship since it started on nearly a weekly basis, said verbatim.

 

And she knows waaaaaaay more detail than what has been posted here in my couple of posts.

 

It is worth noting she is actively looking for a job, which would almost certainly require moving. We had touched on, numerous times, about sometime moving together somewhere, on a very basic level of communication.

 

I think that might have played a big part in it all too.

 

If she had moved, I loved her, and I would have tried to get a job wherever she went. But perhaps in the end, I was maybe holding her back.

 

 

 

 

I know because I was in the exact same kinda situation. Granted my relationship was full of drama worthy of Shakespeare...yet it was both surprising and unsurprising that it ended.

 

 

 

 

Let me put it to you this way. If she moved to another city were you going to move with her? Really? Would she have done that for you? Odds are it had to end sooner or latter and she decided to pull the trigger.

 

 

For some people it's easier to leave a mess, burn their boats behind them so they can't go back.

[CptSaveAho]

I read the very first post and can understand why she broke up with you.... if you cant figure it out and stop blaming her, you are the one with issues....

 

hint "nice guys finish last"