First Time Heartbreak at 30 (Not my first relationship), Lost

[redstreak]

I guess I'm posting here because it's anonymous and my friends/family are at the point of annoyance with me talking about this girl.

 

I've never been rocked harder by a relationship ending than with this one and it's leaving me feeling really foolish, needy, desperate, insecure, and pathetic. It wasn't even long, it only lasted about two months. During those two months we didn't even connect fully because she was very guarded, but yet I dove in with both feet and got very emotionally involved because there were many things we did connect on and I was ok waiting for her and we had some great times together.

 

I fell hard. At first it was very casual/fun and I was myself - relaxed / laid back and just enjoying spending time with her. We both had plans to travel in the following year (separately) and we both knew this before we started dating. About a week before we broke up she scheduled her flight away and it hit me hard. Suddenly the thought of losing her made it much more serious for me, it really freaked me out. A switch flipped and I became needy and desperate. I told her I was fine with her leaving but was worried it would be the end for us. I didn't get much of a response which only made things worse. I didn't start sending a bunch of letters/texts or anything like that but I already felt the pain of loss. I knew a breakup was coming. I told her I wanted to see her that weekend but she didn't really want to see me (something she tried to politely tell me). I (wrongly) decided that I had to see her so I told her I was going to come out on the weekend (she lived three hours away) to which she agreed. When I arrived Friday night I could tell she was uncomfortable with me there. I tried to keep upbeat but I was terrified of losing her and felt sad about her leaving. Also the fact that we didn't really talk added to my pain - I stuck it out for Saturday and it was much the same. On Sunday I told her I was going to head back to the city. I knew then it was over and that's when the pain really hit me. Really hard.

 

I was completely useless at doing anything. I couldn't work. I couldn't think straight. I literally didn't get out of bed for a couple of days. Friends who know me well were shocked as I've never been like this, ever. In fact, it scares the crap out of me because I didn't know I could be like this. I thought of nothing except for figuring out how to get her back. I wrote her one letter which was more of a closure thing for me - she didn't respond to that. Then one night while out with a mutual friend a week later I drunk texted her at 4:00am - to which she replied immediately. We ended up talking for an hour and a half later that night. That left me feeling like a loser - we chatted casually for a little bit and then the conversation dragged into me talking about how I felt and basically that I still wanted to be with her. She asked if she could keep in touch but was worried about how it would make me feel, I said I could control my emotions and if she wanted to call she should. Later the next day I sent her a message saying that I'd love to keep in touch but I need a couple of weeks to get control of myself so I don't try to win her back every time we talk. That was one week ago today.

 

I'm just beating myself up for falling for someone who didn't fall for me and opening myself up and getting tossed aside. And after such a short time. I'm not exactly new to the rodeo as I've been in several relationships, all of which I ended for one reason or another and only one ended poorly (I had to kick her out of our apartment), all of the others I could talk to and still do with some. I've never felt so deeply rejected and feel a bit ashamed about my behaviour once I sensed that things weren't going to go how I wanted (with us in a committed relationship). I feel immature and lost.

 

I don't feel the sting in the same way and I'm coming around and feeling much better but I'm having a hard time not thinking about her. My friends are trying to set me up with other women and all I end up doing is comparing them to her in my head. I'm clearly not in a place to be dating other women and need to work on myself. I'm just... lost.

 

She's going to be back in town in a week and a half and we're supposed to go for coffee or something but at this point I don't know if I can hold myself back from trying to get her back again. There's so much that I like about her. I'm worried that seeing her will send me reeling in pain again. I don't know how to give up on things that I want but I know that this one isn't my decision - she doesn't want to be with me and I'm trying to come to terms with that. At the same time, I do want her in my life because of the many things I appreciate and respect about her. I've got this internal battle going on inside my head. My heart says find a way to keep her in my life, my head says let her go, and my gut says don't stop fitting for her now.

 

These thoughts are just from the gut, unstructured and unsure about what I'm really asking from the community. I guess I just need to get it out and my other outlets are coming up dry at the moment.

[fixing]

Ok, so she comes back in 1 and a half weeks and your supposed to go for coffee?? I think thats a bad idea.

I really think what you need to do is not contact her again. If she reaches out to you after all of this than by all means go out and meet her, but right now, it feels like she is agreeing to meet up with you out of pity.

 

Fingers crossed, with a little bit of silence and space she calls, but for now, i suggest you move forward with your own life, date others, socialise and dont be staring at your phone anticipating a text.

 

No contact is the way forward here.

[redstreak]

I wasn't planning on reaching out to her again. I'm still beating myself up for constantly wanting to though. If she does reach out when she's in town (she'll be here for two weeks before she leaves) then I'm not sure what to say.

 

The last thing I want is pity, I might feel pathetic but I am not.

 

I know in time I'll be able to move on but I'm still not thinking straight and am still in shock about my reaction to the whole thing. Is this normal for a mature person or do I have some growing up and reflecting to do here?

[fixing]

Well, i fell absolutely head over heels and ended up chasing a beauty off once, im a little younger.

 

Love works in mysterious ways lol.

 

Yeah, maybe a little reflecting would be ok in order to avoid it with the next girl, or hopefully this girl if she reaches out.

 

And if she reaches out, then you know what to do sir, just play it cool as a cucumber.