sambo77 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Today I was sitting in the car, waiting at the station for my son's mum to bring him back. It was dark outside on the street, pouring with rain, everyone seemed to have a purpose. You could also just "feel" Christmas in the air too. And all I could do was weep. And all I could feel was petrified, alone, and disconnected to it all. And all I could think about was how just 3 months ago she told me that she's never felt anybody ever wanted to hold her close like I did...and that she hoped this feeling would last forever... ...it lasted about 9 more days. I've tried to get my head around why TF this seems to hurt more than most of my BUs. I'm a big boy and I've had my share of loss. The only thing I can come up with is the brutal f£&king senselessness of this one...or the fact that it has pushed me past a tipping point where I just "see" senselessness. I sometimes watch my son bang his head or fall over during a moment where he's feeling ecstatic just before the accident. He might be...say...running to grab a bar of chocolate from the table, eager and excited to get it, really happy...and bam...he smacks his leg or head on the table. The pain he expresses always seems that bit more agonising than usual when it has interrupted a moment of joy. It's like his pain is doubly bad because (a) it bloody hurts (like every head bang), BUT (b) it also robbed him of the chance to complete that joyous moment he was having...a moment he won't ever completely recreate exactly. I think he senses the loss of something unique...and weeps at the sheer injustice, senselessness, and random cruelty that the universe can sometimes inflict on us. Well...I think today I was weeping less because I miss her, because I'm lonely, or because I love her (all true...all painful) - but because of the terror that comes with the realisation that the "universe" doesn't give a **** about making a train wreck out of any one of our most beautiful, hard fought for, precious experiences...ones that are so precious to us that we've gone and put all our eggs in that basket and staked our lives on them. I can't get my head around that...at all...it just adds up to nothing more than the fact that random cruelty is a central feature of our existence. And that chills me to my bones :-( Nearly 3 months...this still sucks.
Poppyolive Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Heart felt sadness, hold your son closer today for he needs your love and strength as you do his. Im sorry you are feeling this, I completely understand and feel it too. I like to think its clearing the air for better to come. Hugs to you 1
fixing Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Well, with that post, have you ever thought about being a writer/poet/author? Lol. Very strong writing there man. Yeah, i get it mate, im in that same boat and if im honest, have felt that way for 2 decades. Its deeply ingrained in me. Anyways man, life is a piece of ****, then you die of it, so, always look on the bright side of life' The only stable and eternal thing in your life is your little man. **** everything and everyone else. Keep being the best father you can be, because when it all boils down to gravy, hes the number 1 here, not no woman!
Fangorn Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Life is devoid of rhyme and reason and that is heartbreaking to hear. I'm going through the same thing. I had a good and strong relationship with my Ex. Our 'love' overcame everything, distance, getting hit on, all trials and tribulations and everyday I woke up glad that I had this wonderful person in my life. Then one day she just tossed me aside. Broken and used up. I'm now all alone in a new town, my family lives in another country, I gave up my friends and now I don't even have my girlfriend. While it's devastating you must realise that this rock bottom is the strongest foundation from which to rebuild. It's such a hard thing to endure but endure we must. Accept that the universe is cruel and allow yourself to weep and grieve but one day you must climb towards the light. Life is now what you make of it and you can do anything.
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