He says he feels betrayed...

January 4, 2005

Hello all...

I came here about a month ago to get advice on how to get my bf back. He insisted we remain apart while he took some time for himself. Prior to meeting me, he had just ended a 5 yr. relationship so he wasn't too keen on starting a new one. I didn't persist and said I'd patiently wait for him to come around. After a few weeks of hanging out--he decided he was ready and so the love affair began. Let me tell ya, it was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I smile every time I thought of him but after 5 1/2 months of being with me, he began to feel a bit overwhelmed and after a nasty argument during the Thanksgiving holiday, we split. I thought I'd never hear from him again but after a week we re-connected.

Everything was like it had been before except he didn't wear the 'boyfriend' title and I didn't wear the 'girlfriend' title either. We continued to talk everyday, email love letters, spend time together and be intimate but that changed last week when I barely heard from him. (he claims he was too busy working and was tired when he got home) On top of that he didn't invite me to spend a night at his place on Thurs. (as usual) nor did he decide to spend New Year's Eve with me. He told me he decided to ring in the new year with his buddies! Needless to say, his behavior bothered me and I feared he was pulling away. I broached the subject, we discussed it but it snowballed into an argument and he told me in no uncertain terms he was "done" with me and hung up!

I thought I'd never hear from him again and so I did something I will regret for a long time to come. The following night, I slept with an ex lover. I don't know if I did it in spite or because I am so afraid of being alone but I reached out to someone I knew would be ready and willing. Someone who could provide that human contact and attention I always long for. Afterwards, I felt sick and knew I had made a big mistake but I figured I'd never have to admit my mistake since my "bf" was "done" with me.

Low and behold, he calls the following day. Suprise! Suprise! We make small talk and I can hear the excitement in his voice...he misses me. I knew I had to tell him the truth, my love for him forbade me from keeping this from him and so I did. He hit the roof! He yelled. He screamed. He cursed and he cried. He says I betrayed him and that I couldn't possibly have loved him if I could give myself to someone else 24 hrs later! I do admit I can understand where he's coming from but we were not an item.:confused:I haven't heard from him since last week. I really love this guy. I'd love to have him in my life again, if not as a lover, definitely as a friend. We all make mistakes but I think I owe myself more of an apology for allowing myself to be used rather than apologizing to him.

Any advice or opinions are welcomed (especially from the men).

January 4, 2005

Woah! Ok... hold on... HE feels betrayed? Isn't he the one who said you were "done" It's his own damn fault if he feels bad now. It was his decision to blow you off like that and be a complete jerk to you. You don't owe him anything. So what if you slept with an ex...HE SAID YOU WERE DONE. How were you supposed to know he would change his mind the next day. He should learn to make up his damn mind and not treat you like his little play thing.

How can he even begin to acuse you of of not loving him when he tosses you out like yesterdays trash just because of a little arguement?

He's being a damn hypocrite! If I were you I wouldn't let him make you feel bad about this. He brought it on himself by not treating you with respect to begin with.

January 4, 2005

Thanks for your input TranslucentThoughts. At first I felt like a piece of **** for sleeping with someone else after telling my ex how much I loved him these past months and I really blamed myself and wallowed in guilt. But these last few days, I've reflected on what transpired and in the back of my mind I keep remembering his words the previous night..."I am done". I realize he may have been angry and as a result was being impulsive by making that decision but I also realize that we haven't been in a committed relationship since the last week of Nov. He has to realize that I didn't have to divulge my secret, I opted to out of respect and love for him. If we were to be 'on-again', I wanted no secrets between us.

I will no longer apologize for my actions or beg for his forgiveness (as I had been doing over the weekend). I'm starting to think the only mistake I made was in choosing the person I decided to be intimate with that night. Let's just say he'd walk a lot better on four legs than two!

Any guys care to post an opinion? Would you feel betrayed?

January 4, 2005

Whoa...hold on here. Yoiu slept with someone THE NEXT DAY. I would feel the same way, regardless of what he said. He was that easy to replace? One friggin day? DAMN right I'd feel betrayed.

January 4, 2005

Chris_T,

In no way did I think he was replaceable but I wasn't thinking clearly, reasonably or in a mature manner at the time. He left a void when he said those words and in my haste to fill that void, I ran to someone else. I felt disposable. I wanted to feel needed, that's my nature. It's a long and complicated story since childhood and I won't bore you with the details but I've always measured my self-worth by the attention I can get from a man. I thought I'd moved past this but this behavior surfaces now and again and I end up making VERY poor choices. Not an excuse, just an observation of my character. (sad to say) Despite my actions, I DO love him. I've loved him since the day I met him but he walked away, I went astray and now he feels betrayed. *sigh*

I understand you would feel betrayed but would you forgive? If so, after how much time?

January 4, 2005

I'm thinking the time period before having sex upon breaking up with a serious love is measured in something other than in HOURS.

He might forgive you or understand what occurred, but that time period is definitely not measured in hours either.

Yeah, you can play the the technicalities game if you want about being broken up when it happened, but that won't get you what you want.

January 4, 2005

i agree with the guys. you screwed the pooch, sleeping with someone else only hours after breaking up. you play, you pay. i know that i wouldnt go back with you, either for being too spiteful or too undisciplined to control your own actions. You say you dont make excuses, but you offer a wheel barrow load of them, based on some pschye child background tripe.

This is just unforgivable to me---maybe he can, but he can never forget, or, IMO, ever trust you again. he deserves better even if he did break up with you----and regarldless of the supportive blarney you get from other members of your "ya ya" sisterhood cohorts, you know you really screwed up or you wouldn't be questioning it here. So the next time you find yourself in a hole, I guess you can always go back to the touchy feely "friend" that you sought sloace in, to fill all your "voids" (emotional and physical), created by mere hours of separation.....thats probably what your ex is also thinking. later

January 4, 2005

Thanks for the answers guys and you both make very valid points but I'm going to have to disagree with 'guest' who insinuated that I was offering excuses as a way of explaining my behavior. I no longer regret my actions and therefore feel I do NOT need excuses. In fact, I was offering a a small view of who I am and the poor choices I make. My purpose for posting was to get anothers pov, especially a mans, so again thanks for taking the time.

PS. He called me this morning on my work phone at 6:41. Due to the background noise and the fact that my phone is not setup to receive customer calls, I knew it was him. He is the ONLY person who calls me so early as he is supposed to be at work between 5 and 7 a.m. *shrugs shoulders* Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part...

January 4, 2005

As a guy, I wouldn't take you back. I had a situation where the girl I lost my virginity (and she lost hers to me) to back in high school broke up with me when I was away in college. We got back together 7 months later, but she told me she slept with 2 other men during the breakup. Even though we were broken up for 7 months, I felt betrayed - we were supposed to get married and neither of us was supposed to have slept with anyone else. That dream of being pure to each other was broken, and I never trusted her again. I ended up leaving her a year later. She has called me about twice a year ever since, but I still can't take her back, even though now I am more "experienced". But in her case, she left me, so I'm not sure how this relates to your situation. Just remember, for guys, physical betrayal is the worst kind. Worse than emotional betrayal and it can never be repaired. Ask a man who stayed with his wife after she had an affair. 20 years later, every day of his life, he still thinks about her having sex with that other man. It haunts him. In a man's eyes, it is worse if a woman he loves sleeps with someone she doesn't love than if she loves someone else who she never slept with (read carefully).

January 4, 2005

I agree with TranslucentThoughts.

It's not like *you* dumped him to sleep with someone else!

January 4, 2005

VB,

I understood the meaning totally and thanks for your reply. I've heard it said that men are a lot less forgiving as far as cheating goes but I feel I didn't cheat on him. Regardless, what I thought was weird was that he insisted on hearing every detail of what transpired and when I conceded and told him he began to cry and call me all sorts of names. He told me I made him physically ill and that I was a "pig". Maybe I deserved it, maybe I didn't. At this point, I'm confused as to what I want, why I did it or if I did in fact betray him!

January 4, 2005

A lot of men actually feel that sex is a sacred and special thing that should be shared by two people that are married, or at least in deep love. So when you slept with someone after ONLY 24 hours, you not only have him feeling betrayed, but more importantly, you left him feeling that sex is not special to you. And now, if you stay together, every time he has sex with you, he will feel that you don't really care about the special thing you are doing since you give it up so easily.

On the other hand, I don't know if you should stay with him anyways though. I can't stand when people use the threat of breakup as a manipulation tool. I've had many women who would use it (and I let them) to get anything out of me by breaking up with me 5 or 6 times. Not to justify what you did though.

January 4, 2005

Again, thanks for taking the time to reply everyone! Your posts put some things in perspective and definitely made me look within and own up to my stupid mistake.

I know some of you think he doesn't deserve me and most of you say I don't deserve him. That's a matter of opinion because I believe people can learn AND grow from any and every situation or mistake. I also believe there are few hurdles that cannot be overcome. I believe this is one of them. I realize it's not up to me but I want him back.

How do I go about righting this wrong and salvaging what we had? What do I say? IF he decides to give me another chance, of course.

January 4, 2005

Okay, since it's getting obvious that you are at the stage where you are not obsessed with the blame game at this point, how do you get him back? Truthfully, I don't know. If I were in your situation, I'd beg and plead and if nothing happens, take what dignity you have left and don't contact him again. And whatever you do, DO NOT hook up with the man you slept with the other night. You will just be proving him right about thinking you are a slut.

January 4, 2005

I don't think you should beg and plead (like VirginiaBob suggested).

You didn't act like a slut.

You waited for him patiently for weeks when he was not ready. You gave him time, without pressuring him.

He dumped you one first time.

You waited for him again.

He dumped you again (in a jerkish way, too).

What was he expecting you to do, to spend New Years'eve crying because you were dumped?

What right has he to yell and curse?

Perhaps this will be a lesson for him, and teach him not to play games.

Don't beg. *He*should be the one begging, if some begging is needed.

Do not feel guilty.

You did *not* cheat.

You didn't act like a slut. There is nothing you have to be forgiven for.

For all you knew, he could have been somewhere having sex with a perfect stranger on new years' eve!!!!

It's not like you dumped him to screw a stranger, and wanted to take him back!

He dumped you in a jerkish way (and for the second time!!!)he played games, and now he's crying because he feels betrayed.

I can see why he feels betrayed, I guess I'd feel very bad in his situation too, but *you did not cheat on him*!!!!!!

He dumped you, and now he has to face the consequences of his actions (*you* dump someone, it *can* happen that they have sex with someone else) .....

it might not be nice to sleep with someone else right after a breakup, but was the way he treated you nice???'

Don't feel bad. You even decided to be honest with him.

If you get back together, it might take him time to get over it, you can try to be supportive and understanding, but don't feel like you did something horrible and now have to beg for forgiveness and walk on eggshells around him!

If he doesn't want to get back with you, perhaps it will be better for you, with some luck you'll find a nice guy who has already grown up and is past the 'game-playing'stage of his life!

(for all that a woman's point of view might be worth.....)

January 4, 2005

Originally posted by VirginiaBob
A lot of men actually feel that sex is a sacred and special thing that should be shared by two people that are married, or at least in deep love. So when you slept with someone after ONLY 24 hours, you not only have him feeling betrayed, but more importantly, you left him feeling that sex is not special to you. And now, if you stay together, every time he has sex with you, he will feel that you don't really care about the special thing you are doing since you give it up so easily.
On the other hand, I don't know if you should stay with him anyways though. I can't stand when people use the threat of breakup as a manipulation tool. I've had many women who would use it (and I let them) to get anything out of me by breaking up with me 5 or 6 times. Not to justify what you did though.

I don't get it. They weren't bf/gf - he made it clear on that point. In the first post she states that he "felt overwhelmed" and broke up with her. They started hanging out again, without defining the relationship.

IMO, it was HIS stupid mistake. He thought he could f*ck his exgirlfriend, and have all the benefits of a relationship, without sitting down and having the committment talk.

Jeez, where is it written that you can only have sex with one person every 48 hours, even if you are not in a committed relationship? Isn't that the point of establishing the committment in the first place?

January 4, 2005

Ok, I thought we were done with being supportive and assigning blame and were at the point now where we were thinking of ideas to get him back to her. Seems like the last couple of posts were stupid anomosity crap rather than useful for her to get him back. Ok, so what do you think she needs to do to get him back? That's what she's asking for, not support or, "I'll show him" or "you had the right to sleep around since he dumped you", etc or your personal opinions on how someone is aloud to have sex with whoever they want whenever they want. Once again, what can she do to get him back? You don't know what her relationship with him was like and maybe she values it enough that she is willing to do anything to get him back. Do you seriously think that her telling him, "I had the right to sleep with someone else 24 hours after we broke up. Heck, we weren't attached, so it's not a big deal" is going to help her case?

January 4, 2005

Girls, please, PLEASE spare me the CRAP. If a man had come on here with the exact same story, you would be raking him over the coals.

I'm guessing she wants a man's opinion because she knew she'd get all this crap from you women.

January 5, 2005

"Girls, please, PLEASE spare me the CRAP. If a man had come on here with the exact same story, you would be raking him over the coals. "

I so agree with you here. Women can be the biggest hypocrites. Not all of them, mind you.

January 5, 2005

People PLEASE let's not turn this thread into a battle of the sexes! Opinions are like a**holes, everyone's got one and I've taken a little from each.

It definitely helped to hear the mens p.o.v. I began to feel like I could understand his anger a lot more though at first I thought he was being irrational. It also helped to get the support from the ladies who helped me to see that though I did make a rash decision, I didn't cheat on him.

I still didn't get many suggestions on how to win his heart once again and that's fine. I've decided that I will put it in God's hands. I will continue to give him time and space to get over the shock, anger and hurt. I won't force myself on him or pressure him to speak to me by calling. If this man is destined to be a part of my life, we will re-connect.

I will keep you guys posted!

January 5, 2005

Yes, I do see a definite tendency toward "battle of the sexes" here. May I propose a middle ground? Nubianangel, can we agree, that as Adunaphel and Otter have said, you did not do wrong - and yet your ex was very hurt. Your right to do what you did is not really questioned - AND the pain it caused your ex also seems to be a fact that all the men understand (even if the women don't). So can we boil it down to...he was hurt by what you did. If you hurt someone you love - even if it is inadvertent - you apologize. IF you still love him. You don't get stuck in "who's right, who's wrong" or even "you made me hurt you".

The same rule applies to him. He hurt you with his careless breakup - so he also owes you an apology.

As far as how to get him back...acknowledge his pain, admit the part your actions played. Ask what you can do to help ease the pain. Ask if he will work with you on putting things back together. Don't justify your behavior during this critical time when he is hurting. Later, perhaps you can talk about some ways to think about commitment, physical or emotional. You're right, I don't quite see why you want him back when it is that easy for him to tell you "it's over". Your choice, of course. Just a thought - how much of his reaction is that unthinking, jealous, dog in the manger rage, and how much is honest grief at a tragic loss and sundering?

BTW - you did what we always advise on LS - you were honest with your partner about an essential fact even thought it cost you big time. You did the right thing, and I hope when he comes to his senses he will realize that he had something good when he had you.

January 5, 2005

As a man, I can understand this easily. It's the typical male "I want it all" BS. We might not want to commit to a relationship at a given point in time, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't feel jealous if the women we "kind of" cared about went and slept with someone else. It's ok to feel jealous in that situation, it's only human. However, that doesn't give us the right to demand someone else cater to our jealousy. Think of it this way - if you were not an item, and he went and slept with some girl on a one night stand, then you complained, don't you think he would come right back at you and say "hey, but we weren't an item?". Of course he would! So you have every right to say the same. I know if I split with a girl, and she got angry because I then had a one night stand, I'd tell her where to go in no uncertain terms. It's not as if you fell in love the next day, you just had some meaningless sex. Even if it was a dumb thing to do, it's *your* prerogative to do dumb things, and if you're single then it's not his business.

Quite frankly, you just need to give this guy a good kick up the backside. Lay it out in no uncertain terms that you decided not to be together at that point, so you had every right to do as you please. If you're not an item, you can go and get gangbanged by 100 guys on a porno set if that's what you want, and it's none of his damn business. Tell him to take his jealousy and stuff it. And you know what? I bet after huffing and puffing a bit, he may well actually respect you more for standing up for youself. For sure, next time he'll think twice about treating your relationship so casually. I know if I were interested in a woman, and I knew that stringing her along would mean she'd quite possibly go off with some other guy (even if just for meaningless sex), then I'd be much more appreciative of the benefits of having a clear relationship with her rather than keep her dangling on a string. If he wanted faithfulness, all he had to do was say so - instead, he wanted to have his cake and eat it, he wanted you to be "faithful" without him being prepared to pay the price of being faithful back or committed to some kind of relationship.

This is just typical selfishness IMO. Understandable, but not justifiable. As for trying to lay a guilt trip on you, IMO this is where his behaviour goes from understandable to out of line. I don't think he's been malicious, so I wouldn't get angry at him, but you should definitely make it clear that he has to accept the consequences of his action - or in this case lack of action - and take it like a man instead of whining like a sploit crybaby. If he wants you that much that he feels jealous, hurt, betrayed etc, then all he had to do was show a bit of commitment. It's his right not to - but only if he's prepared to accept that you are then a free agent entitled to act as you please.

If I were in his shoes, sure I'd feel jealous, but I'd accept it was just self-pitying jealousy, and if you stuck up for you position then I'd respect you for that and realise I had to get serious or shut the hell up. As a guy, if I want to have the right to say what my girl can't do (such as sleep around), then I realise I have to be going out with her in the first place! From the tone of your later replies, I'd say you have your head screwed on and know what's up, you just felt a bit bad because he laid a guilt trip on you. I say don't tolerate mind games like that, just fight your corner and feel good about it, instead of cutting yourself up and feeling bad. You go girl!

January 5, 2005

Originally posted by Chris_T.
Whoa...hold on here. Yoiu slept with someone THE NEXT DAY. I would feel the same way, regardless of what he said. He was that easy to replace? One friggin day? DAMN right I'd feel betrayed. [/quote

Replace? It was a one night stand, meaningless sex. Guys do it all the time. She got dumped by the guy, and probably felt hurt and abandoned, why shouldn't she go out and get laid? It's not as if she got married the next day! If you got dumped, and then some hot chick came onto you whilst you were drowning your sorrows with your friends, are you telling me you wouldn't be interested? Let's cut the hypocrisy here, please.

January 5, 2005

I think sleeping with someone that you aren't in a long term relationship with is wrong no matter which way you look at it. I don't believe in one-night stands like some other sluts (male and female) that I know. There is always the risk of pregnancy, even with birth control, so it should be a decision you make with someone that you would be willing to marry if something happened. Whether your boyfriend dumped you for good or not, you still shouldn't go sleep with the first guy who shows you support. Anyways, I gave my advice and you could take what you want from it - if you really want him back right now, make him feel important, beg and plead, whatever it takes - to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure what would work. If he still says no, at least you tried. Better to try and fail than to just fail.

January 5, 2005

I don't think theres much you can do to get him back now. I admire your honesty and you did the right thing by telling him the truth. Too many people would have just denied it ever happened. I think you just have to sit back and see how he responds with time. Maybe try to be just friends with him to rebuild a relationship that way. I must say that your actions though would have permenantly sealed the "its done doors" for me...

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