jobie Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Hi, I am in a difficult situation and would appreciate some advice. My boyfriend of 5 years is the kindest, funniest, mature, most intelligent and together man i've ever met. I have loved him for 5 years and we are (for the most part) happy together. He treats me like a Queen and i've never met anyone like him. He is amazing. I have a secret that is making me miserable. I think about my ex boyfriend all the time. We were together when we were teenagers, a 'first love' situation. We connected so deeply and intensly and had amazing chemistry but it ended abruptly after a year. We have still been in and out of each others lives for years and have always had the same connection and chemistry. Every time we start talking again after a length of time all the feelings we both had rush back and it goes back to how it was really quickly. The problem is these feelings have never been acted upon because one of us (usually me) is in a relationship and never wants to jepardise it. I met my current bf 5 years ago and was deliriously happy with him for the first 3 (the last 2 have been happy but the realities of how we're different began setting in). I barely thought about my ex, though he popped into my head from time to time. Last xmas I started speaking to my ex online and it snowballed (as it always does with us) to the point where I considered breaking up with my current bf to be with him. We spoke a lot and though nothing happened I felt I had to tell my current bf about my feelings and the contact we'd had. I told him I was messed up with all the emotions going on in my head and asked if he'd mind if I met my ex for a coffee. He was very understanding and told me I had his blessing to meet him in person and work out how I felt and that he just wanted me to be happy (though if anything happened he would of course end the relationship). I saw this as an amazingly mature reaction, he didn't become macho and cave man-ish about it all, he truly wanted me to make the best decision for me. I ended up deciding to try to work things out with him since it'd been 5 years and of my ex was after all was a teenage relationship. Contact with my ex has now faded to an occasional text message here and there and my relationship appears on the surface to be back to normal. I think my bf sees last xmas as a temporary wobble, but a lot of the feelings I felt then I still have, even a year on. I think about my ex and how if we were to have a chance to reconnect it could be something amazing, something we've both thought about for years. I also think about how my ex has a lot of the same attitudes to things as me, eg. He wants to travel, he understands coming from a broken home, he is able to talk about emotions at a deep level, he is flexible and free in his attitude to life. These are things I have been struggling with with my current bf as he doesn't have these qualities and we clash over this fairly reguarly. I am effectively trying to choose between 2 men both who I feel I have a significant, powerful and important connection with. I fear losing my bf for something that could be nostalgia based only (though i'm pretty certain it's not) but I also fear staying with my bf long term and always regretting not giving it another shot with my ex. I am so confused and feel trapped in my current situation. I have spoken to all of my closest friends and family members about this but all of them say the same thing: that's difficult, not sure what i'd do. Any advice would be much appreciated.
ktya Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You need to take a break and go no contact with this ex for a while. Not in a hostile way but because it is messing with your head. You profess how much you love your current boyfriend and how great he treats you and you have been with him for 5 years. You are confusing yourself because you are having an emotional affair with this ex. While not physical, you are in fact cheating on his great guy you are with with your mind. It is not fair to him. If you cannot go no contact with the ex because you cannot bring yourself to do it, do your bf a favor and break up with him. He sounds like a great guy who deserves to be with someone who is thinking of him, not some old flame from the past. 2
happywithlife Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I agree that you are emotionally cheating on your current bf w/ your old highschool sweetheart. It sounds like you are very confused and professional counseling may help you. I would seriously ask yourself a few questions: 1. Were you having serious doubts about your relationship prior to contacting your old flame? 2. If the answer is yes, do you want to work through these doubts? No relationship is perfect. There is a lot of give and take. But at the same time you need to keep your boundaries, respect your boundaries, and be true to yourself and partner. If your current relationship allows you to grow, it's something special. If it doesn't allow you to grow in a positive way, its stiffling. Honestly, going no contact w/ the flame will only help you make a decision that is best for you. Continuing contact will hurt you. Breaking up and running to your old flame will also bring you hurt eventaully. Counselig can help you sort this out and can also help you prevent this from occurring in the future. Best of luck
Author jobie Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 I guess I was having some doubts prior to seeing my ex bf again, we had a year living apart and were both so busy with what we were doing that we didn't see each other much. We got out of sync I guess and I'm hoping we get back to how we were soon. I do feel really awful about the thoughts I'm having as my bf is so lovely and you're right he deserves better. I was wondering if the emotions for my ex are more of a symptom of problems with my bf than the cause. It's very hard to work out what my heads doing! Thankyou for the great advice, You're right-counselling might be a good way to work out what I really want so ill pursue that. I hope things become clear soon!
FineFreshFierce Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I would recommend that you stay with your current boyfriend. People change A LOT in over 5 years especially in the teenage/early 20s years. It's probably not going to be exactly as you reminisce it was. You're both older and different now. But I'd say go with you're EX and see what happens IF you really think it'll be so good that it's worth potentially losing the guy that could be "the one". You can either play it safe or take the risk!
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