ktya Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 A bit about me. I am 37. Ive been searching for wifey for 17 years now. Been in some serious long term relationships, engaged once in an 8 year relationship, a couple 3-4 year ones and a few 6mo-1yr relationships. Most of these relationships were pretty back to back, maybe a few months of singlehood in between, sometimes less. No kids of my own although my most recent relationship included a "stepdaughter" that calls me dad, i am on great terms with the ex we are better friends after the breakup so the kid can remain in my life which is nice. I am thinking that after 17 years of serial monogamy looking for wifey enough is enough. No matter how fantastic a woman i meet even tomorrow should i happen across ms perfect, it will still take at least 6 months to get around to moving in with eachother, a year after that to get married and another year to pop out a kid, putting me as a brand new dad at the ripe age of 40. When my kid turns 20 i will be 60? Ick. So i am looking at casual dating as an option for the forseeable future, remaining single and largely uncommitted, skipping the whole "this relationship has to mean something" jazz and trying to meet girls mostly to just have fun and by that i mean actual fun not just casual sex. I have a house and a boat and a good job and i am a very relaxed outgoing guy. I am decent enough looking but certainly no hunk off a pin up poster either. Im in the enviable situation where my ex is happy to downgrade our relationship from expecting marriage to friends with benefits and we know that we are both free to see other people and that this arrangement could end and we will remain friends; so this can help to keep us both from getting desperate for sex and tripping into a rebound. I have never casually dated before though. I have always just drilled into the serious because that was what i was looking for at the time. So while i am very confident and have little difficulty meeting and talking to women, this mode is unfamilliar to me. Furthermore i am much older now than i was the last time i spent much time being single and playing the field which was in my early 20s. Any advice on how to go about this?
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Date with no preconceived ideas. date, for the sake of dating, meeting ladies and enjoying their company. Don't be a jerk, and be clear about your original intentions, although you should also admit to this being 'a moveable feast'. In other words - always expect the unexpected. I was 54 when I re-married.... 1
Author ktya Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 "moveable feast"? Sorry i dont understand what that means. Good advice on being upfront. Ive met a few girls F2F and its come up that im recently single and happy about it and ive told them about what im interested in and they seemed pretty receptive. Ive straight up asked out a few girls and given them my number but havent had any takers so far. Mostly asking them out to dinner. How does this game (i hate to call it that) best work? Should i ask for their number, or give them mine? Should i at least talk to them by voice or in person when i ask them out or is texting better? Im sure preferences vary from girl to girl but i am wondering what the accepted norm is in the casual dating scene these days. Im going to try to avoid online dating and do it the old school way, am i nuts? What is the norm for sex in casual dating these days? First date? Fifth? Sorry for all of these questions but i have just been out of this loop for so long.
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 'moveable feast' meaning, you're originally setting out to serial date, be a player, have fun, let your hair down, remain unattached, just have casual flings, whatever you want to call them... but your conditioning and history conceal a man who considers commitment and fidelity to be de rigeur. So while initially you might be setting out to be the prior described guy, it's not hard to believe you may actually develop strong feelings for someone and end up wanting to be with them for the long run....
Author ktya Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Well actually thats what im afraid of to be honest. I am so good at getting into a real relationship im kind of afraid that im going to slip, trip, and find myself smack dab in the middle of another one. After 17 years of them, i would really like to change gears, at least for a year to try it out. Obviously what i have been doing in the past wasnt working. I am of the mind that if i do some casual serial dating i might better equip myself to know what kind of a woman i really am compatible with and with whom im going to have the most fun in general.
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 This forum would be vastly smaller if we all knew how to do that.
Author ktya Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 This forum would be vastly smaller if we all knew how to do that. Haha true that
Iguanna Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Not what you asked for but I would advise you to reconsider. It seems like you will be a good dad and the age doesn't have to do with anything. Sometimes people who have kids late on their lives are better parents cause they are more mature and have more life experience. My dad had me when he was 24 and he had my stepsister when he was 48. He is a totally different parent (in the good way) with her than he was with me. Don't give up on your dreams for just some ideas and numbers. Nobody can predict what will bring them happiness and in what form it will appear. And as I say in my signature "whatever never happened is what we didn't desire enough". So if you desire this enough, sooner or later you'll get it.
Author ktya Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Sound advice. Ive chosen to go the single and casual dating route in large part because ive never done it before. Also because i am somewhat tired of investing so much time and emotional energy over the years into relationships which at the end ended in such disappointing ways. My last relationship ended because we were fighting over how i wanted to have my own girlfriend sleep in the bed with me and how she was a clutterbug and i like a clean and orderly house. My 8 year relationship ended because i caught her cheating on me, forgave her and we got engaged - she started cheating again and broke it all off to go and be with the guy. Other relationships all started out well enough but towards the end it was mostly the eat love pray thing, the girl expected me to do all of these things so she could be happy because they werent internally happy as people so they left to find a guy to chase another honeymoon period. Im no saint but in many of my relationships i have found that the ladies only kept score in one direction. Maybe they screwed up bigtime or were bedridden for years but i screw up and all the good things or patience i had for them is instantly forgotten. My thinking in casually dating is i can be free of all the heavy expectations for a while. I can hang out with a girl over dinner or drinks, just for the fun of hanging out. If it ends up between the sheets, as long as were honest that can be for the fun of it as well. My FWB relationship with my most recent ex has bore this out. Our sex life when she lived here was miserable because of all of thr expectations and the kid and our building resentments over the different ways we chose to live. Afterwards as FWB the sex became mind blowing, incredibly dirty dirty stuff. While there is of course a different dimension to ex-sex than dating casually or even not so casually, the few times i have done dates and hookups they were almost always a good time, even when they didnt land in the bedroom afterwards or even lead to a second date. I am sure though that after a while it gets old with the disappointments. But i work in outside sales so rejection doesnt really bother me. Its just a numbers game.
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