Dumped, rebounding, completely losing myself

[LaraDane]

Hello everyone. My story is way longer than what I will write in here, but for your guys' sake I'll try to keep it short.

 

Basically my ex broke up with me at the beginning of April over text message. He had already broken up with me (via text again) on October but we got together the next day. We were long distance.

 

It was a really messy break up and we aren't currently speaking to one another. I started dating someone else in May. He lives a couple blocks away. Since my ex was my first boyfriend, it was a tremendous blow for me and I practically lost myself during that month. This guy started talking to me and, being the needy mess that I was, I started getting close to him. Even though I was hesitant to take things to the next level, I gave in. I was desperate, basically, and didn't think straight.

 

About 7 months in, I feel the worst. I have realized a couple months back that I might not truly love this person (shocker) and might not still be over my ex (bigger shocker). I don't know why I started dating so soon, it was really stupid, but like I said I had never been in this type of situation and I just wanted - NEEDED - to get over my ex because it was killing me. Literally. I didn't eat or sleep or wanted to go out anymore. I just cried all day and spent every living moment feeling dead.

 

This guy has been amazing to me. But he also behaves like a parent, almost, and it's starting to annoy me to no end. We don't have that many things in common and I can't enjoy sex at all. In fact, it hurts a lot, physically and emotionally. I just feel like I'm cheating on my ex... I do like him so much, but I feel it's nothing but friendship. I feel I took advantage of him, of his emotions and time, to heal. And that has taken me nowhere either, so there was no point in making us both suffer.

 

I started to doubt my feelings when my ex came back wanting to talk to me (even standing at my door all night) and I didn't talk to him. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Since then I have regretted my decision so much it's unbearable. I feel I'm in this situation and it's all my fault. My self-esteem is completely trashed, I have had more anxiety than ever, and things just don't seem right.

 

The only reason I didn't break up with my boyfriend yet is pure selfishness. I know he's a great guy and that I probably will never find someone like him. He treats me right and loves me wholeheartedly. I believe I can learn to love him the way he deserves if I just give it some more time. I don't want to be alone and fall apart like before Plus, I know my ex probably just wants me because I got together with someone else. I love him, at least I think I do; I don't know anymore because he seems to have changed so much. He's so dark and angry with the world and everything, it's scary. I am afraid of my ex.

 

So why do I feel like this? Why can't I accept this person and move on? I know my ex and I can never be the same. I don't even know if he wants me back anymore, since it's been four months since his last attempt at contact (described above). I feel like an idiot for pining for that guy. It seems clear he has moved on. But I haven't, or rather, he made me go back to stage zero on my recovery and now I feel awful.

 

Any advice you could give me? I know I sound very immature, confused and lost, but that's because I am

[2fargone]

Just how old are you ?

[LaraDane]

Just how old are you ?

I'm 20 but considering my experience in the relationships department is practically non-existent, I wouldn't take my age into consideration...

[FortunateSon]

I am in similar a situation currently. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved feelings for your ex and haven't healed from that. This sounds like a rebound relationship, these are rarely lasting or successful. While the new guy seems like he has a lot of great qualities, it is likely you will not be able to fully open your heart to him or anyone else until you have healed from the last relationship. You said it yourself that the reason you are with him is purely selfish, would you really want someone to be with you for that same reason?

 

Even though it sounds daunting and difficult, it may benefit you and the person you are dating to end things and spend sometime on yourself to heal. Even date some other people casually and not be involved right away. Let your heart heal before getting seriously involved with someone else.

[LaraDane]

I am in similar a situation currently. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved feelings for your ex and haven't healed from that. This sounds like a rebound relationship, these are rarely lasting or successful. While the new guy seems like he has a lot of great qualities, it is likely you will not be able to fully open your heart to him or anyone else until you have healed from the last relationship. You said it yourself that the reason you are with him is purely selfish, would you really want someone to be with you for that same reason?

 

Even though it sounds daunting and difficult, it may benefit you and the person you are dating to end things and spend sometime on yourself to heal. Even date some other people casually and not be involved right away. Let your heart heal before getting seriously involved with someone else.

The problem is I'm not even sure of my feelings. I feel like I'm idiolizing my ex because I haven't seen or spoken to him in 7 months (not face to face) and because I keep remembering the good times but rarely recall the bad times. Believe, there were plenty. If we got back together, wouldn't things return to the crappy ways? I have this immense guilt in me, that the break up and everything was my fault.

 

He did and said awful things after breaking up with me, like no one had ever done. It was hard, because he had always treated me like a queen, like he saw nothing else in his life. As for me, I was nothing but nice and collected the whole time, while inside I was shattering. I have to smile and pretend I'm okay everyday, to everyone. I haven't even told mutual friends I'm dating again, for this idiotic fear that my ex will find out. I don't know why. I think it's because I don't want him to think we meant nothing because I moved on so fast. And I don't want people to think I'm someone who jumps from relationship to relationship.

 

My boyfriend has started to catch up on my sadness and sometimes we talk but of course I never tell him the real reason why I'm like this. I just give other reasons (which are still true but not the main one). I'm extremely depressed. I have been for a few years now, previous to my ex, and when we started dating everything was great. After a while the sadness and anxiety returned. But now it has been non-stop, unbearable and self-destructive.

 

I have few close friends or people I can actually spend time with. I don't open up much, I'm very reserved. So it's hard for me to find myself all alone again, with my inner demons. My boyfriend is kind of my anchor. If I let go, I feel I will sink deeper than ever... Even though I knew for a few months we wouldn't last, I didn't give it much thought. But now that we are so close, I care so much about him and don't want to hurt his feelings. Of course I will, eventually, but I just can't find it in myself to do it.

 

FortunateSon, if you don't mind me asking, how have you been coping? What has helped?

[FortunateSon]

As far as coping, I have been trying to stay busy and better myself. I spend more time with my family, my son, and have reconnected with friends that were put on the back burner while I was in the long term relationship. After finding Love Shack, I have found out how important No Contact is, I deleted/rid myself of anything that reminded me of her and that helped immensely. The only mistake I made was responding to my ex who recently contacted me. It did nothing but set me back and it was self serving on her part to contact. My ex made a point to let me know she is dating someone else.

 

I started to date casually, which helped my confidence and took my mind off of the break up. I made sure that I was honest with the women I was dating and if I felt it was getting too serious for where I was in my healing, I let them know. I have been seeing someone a little more exclusively now the last 2 months and have had feelings similar to yours. I know something isn't right. I am 6+ months post BU of a 6 year relationship/engagement and still feel like I am not through healing yet. I sometimes still have my ex on a pedestal, but not like before. Even if you were to get back with you ex, which I am not suggesting, it is important to have healed and grown from the first time around, otherwise what has changed? What will prevent the same problems again?

 

It is important to remember that it is hard to be happy in a relationship, if you can't be happy on your own. There are a lot of men out there, if things don't work out with your current BF, you will always find someone else, and you might be in a better place to enjoy the relationship in a more balanced way.

[LaraDane]

I know you are right. I never get tired of hearing the "there are a lot more fish in the sea" and it's true. The problem is that I have zero confidence at this point, and feel very ungrateful for not returning my boyfriend's feelings to the fullest. I feel like I should.

 

I think it has to do with my past. Because of my parents' divorce, I never actually believed I would be happy with anyone. I was skeptical and didn't date. I never allowed anyone to get close for fear of getting hurt. I scoffed at the prospect of love, of marriage, of happiness with someone else for the rest of my life. It seemed fairy-tale like, not real. My ex changed my mind halfway through the relationship. We dated one year and a half and we actually talked about getting married and living a life together. How naive is that? We are just kids.

 

I do try to stay busy and take my mind off this issue. But it's hard to have alone time when my boyfriend is constantly asking me out or checking up on me. I even feel a little smothered sometimes. Occasionally he realizes this and gives me space, but other times he just seems clueless. I don't blame him, I'm the one who's a mess and obviously it's not his fault. I just have no idea how a healthy relationship works. My ex and I were so co-dependent, always on each others' business, him more than me. I actually felt a little smothered by him too. But I believed attention meant caring so I didn't mind.

 

No Contact was golden for me. I went NC one month post break-up and it was such a relief. Blocked him on every social media, cellphone, and stayed away from mutual friends. I started healing gradually and was actually getting a lot better. I started eating and sleeping well. I actually felt quite happy and free from all the distress. I told myself I wouldn't pine for someone who didn't like me anymore, and who had treated me so badly. But then three months later he contacted me and everything just went downhill: I started to doubt myself, I became anxious and couldn't stop thinking about it. I think the problem is we never actually talked after our break-up. Not with clear heads. I regret not talking to him every day.

 

I'm glad you were so responsible with your dating and your partners. You are much wiser than me. I'm too insecure and I think this whole situation just made it worse. It's all very exhausting for me. Emotionally speaking, I am sick and tired and some days I just feel like going crazy. I wish I had been brave enough to stay single for a while and heal by myself. I wouldn't be beating myself up so much right now. But at the time, it felt like the only way...

[freebird31]

The problem is you need to get over and heal from the previous relationship. Youre going to have be a little courageous to do this and do this on your own. With help and support from friends and family of course. It doesnt sound like you are that into this guy, and overall does NOT sound you are emotionally ready to have a relationship at this time. With anyone, including your ex. If you continue to rebound and jump from relationship to relationship, how will you ever be happy on your own??? The answer is, YOU WONT. You need to learn to be happy on your OWN first. Once you can accomplish this, & yes its possible, you will be strong. You can start by doing baby steps.

 

You need to be honest with yourself. If you do not want the relationship that you are currently in, do not remain it. Do not be selfish. After you end it, yes youre going to feel alone. Understand that when you are alone you are going to feel sad/depressed/lonely for a while. but not forever!!!!! You need to toughen it out!! Do you want to sepnd the rest of your life living co-dependently, relying on OTHER people to make you happy??? Just imagine, how good would it feel to be happy on your own, to be completely HAPPY by your self. Not lonely, but fulfilled on your own! You know when you were with your ex, he might have fulfilled some part of you and might even have taken away the lonilness? just imagine, how good it would feel when you dont have to rely on somebody else for that, or always be worried you will lose it again. or lose the happiness if they leave your life.

 

YOU MUST, you must, YOU MUST learn to be happy and independent. INDEPENDENT. If you dont want this relationship, end it. From there, do things that fulfill you! It sounds hard right?? Take it from all of us who have been here. Take it from me, who felt so dead inside. I was in your place at one point and i thought it would never go away. guess what. IT GOES AWAY.

 

Stop rebounding from relationship to relationship. Stop relying on others/intimate relationships to make you happy or fulfill you. If you continue on this route, you will NEVER grow. you will be stuck in this same position time after time. Ask yourself do you really want that? or do you want to feel happy again, free again? Like yourself, again. The choice is yours.

 

A lot of people take the easiest way out, and in the end it only destroys them.

Be courageous and take the tough way out. Do this on your own, be single. Fulfill your life with friends and family. Sounds tough right now, but you can do it. Set your mind to it. Accept its going to be a journey. But you will get through it. Trust me! If you do this for yourself, you will thank your self later.

[FortunateSon]

Well said, Freebird!!

[Mariposa10]

I don't really have much to add because you've gotten some pretty good feed back.

 

You need to be completely healed before you get into a serious relationship.

 

 

Good luck and you can always come vent here!

[LaraDane]

Thank you everyone for your answers.

 

Freebird31, while I agree with most of what you say, I don't remember being happy for a LONG time, possibly not since I was no longer a little kid. And I didn't have a partner back then. I had plenty of time to get my **** together and I didn't, so I'm a little skeptical if I'll be able to get it now. I'm just a little faithless, I guess.

 

If I had never tried being in a relationship, I wouldn't miss it. But now that I have, I doubt I'll ever feel whole again without one. I mean, we all need relationships in our lives. When you break up with someone and are devastated, you need friends and family to support you, therapists, strangers to give you advice. You can't really do it on your own can you?

 

I don't really feel connected to anyone in a deep level, not parents, not friends, no one. I feel completely alone. And that's why I cling so much to my SOs when they come along. It's so much better to have someone to share things with, and have someone to spend time with, and just everything. You may call it co-dependency but aren't we all co-dependent on each other as a society? What would you do without a doctor to heal you or a market to provide you food? Sure, you could research on books/online about your illness and self-medicate, and you could grow your own food. But you're still depending on the people who wrote that information you're reading and people selling you seeds to plant. We could go back even more.

 

I don't know if I'm making sense. Being alone and happy about it, with no one to fulfill me sounds amazing. I just don't know if I could ever do it because everytime I've been alone I was miserable. Probably am missing something deep within that I have yet to understand.