Are Young Adults simply incapable of maintaining a serious, no BS LTR?

[Sand Man Dan]

Hello all, I'm new here. I've lurked a while though (don't we all)

 

My question is this. At the acknowledged high risk of sounding like a bigot, I ask:

 

It seems like women my age aren't ready for a real long term relationship. I am.

But with emotional maturity at an all time low, and need for emotional validation at an all time high among young folks, what's someone with a level head and an amazing upbringing to do?

 

The games played between people are disgusting and disturbing. Some gems I've heard(and some I've dispensed as advice, to those who are being toyed with):

 

You must always leave your SO desiring more.

 

-Never send the last text.

-Never send the first text

-Don't say 'I love you' first.

-Be slightly flirtatious with the opposite gender in front of your SO

-Expressing exactly how you feel (NOT innappropriately early, mind you) drives them away, while keeping them on the fence gets them going.

 

It's almost as if women my age (20-24), without exception, dont want a stable lover. They don't (yet?) value stability and open expression of feeling.

 

I'm not a "nice guy" either. I don't supplicate women whatsoever, nor do I befriend someone I only have a romantic feeling for. I learned long ago how to avoid the friend zone. I'm truly not a jerk either though. I respect women, publicly and innately. It's how I was raised.

 

I'm not a serial dater. I don't date around from OLD at all, or with people I'm at least reasonably familiar with. However, I know a lot of women. Most of my male friends are the same way as described above (play those games) and they've got women falling on them.

 

I'm not at all concerned about my physical appearance so I know it's not the case of me being god awfully ugly and going for the hot chicks. I take my health seriously, and frankly, I have a really nice body from intense weightlifting everyday for years. Actually, of all my friends, I am the only one who works out, yet..It makes not a difference. Again, it's not the physical aspect that's inhibiting me. There is either something wrong with me I'm unaware of, or I just need to wait....(?)

 

Someone tell me that this isn't a completely generation-wide phenomenon? Tell me there are some good, EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY, relationship-oriented, trustworthy, physically healthy and moderately attractive women (who could get it all the time, but choose not to because they invest much more into sex, as I do) of the 20-27 year old age range? Sure that seems like a laundry list but are all those things not reasonable to be uncompromising about?

 

Just need some encouragement about the emotional state and maturity level of kids my age.

 

-The Sand Man

Edited December 15, 2013 by Sand Man Dan

[Dec13]

Hi Sand Man.

Well, I'm also a 23 year old girl and I am also looking for a LTR, having had enough short term "fling" type of things during my college years. BUT! It seems all the guys I meet in their 20s, even reaching mid 20s, are not looking to marry any time soon (they seem to be all thinking after 30) which is why I think there are many people who are not looking for a LTR. It seems guys just want to play the field when they are in this age group. But, I'm happy to hear that you are not one of them.

 

I'm actually very similar to you. I've been athletic all my life and I am definitely not ugly. I choose not to have meaningless relationships because I know there is more to life than having someone to call your significant other. But I do see other girls around me that always need a boyfriend or always need someone there. I am not one of them. However, the trend I do see is that girls are often interested in LTRs but most guys are NOT.

 

I am confident that you will be able to find the girl who has the same outlook as you do! Don't give up because there are girls like that out there!

 

By the way, do you want a LTR because you are looking for a potential marriage partner? Or what is your reason for not wanting to play the field as most guys seem to want to do?

Edited December 15, 2013 by Dec13

[Sand Man Dan]

Hi Sand Man.

Well, I'm also a 23 year old girl and I am also looking for a LTR, having had enough short term "fling" type of things during my college years. BUT! It seems all the guys I meet in their 20s, even reaching mid 20s, are not looking to marry any time soon (they seem to be all thinking after 30) which is why I think there are many people who are not looking for a LTR. It seems guys just want to play the field when they are in this age group. But, I'm happy to hear that you are not one of them.

 

I'm actually very similar to you. I've been athletic all my life and I am definitely not ugly. I choose not to have meaningless relationships because I know there is more to life than having someone to call your significant other. But I do see other girls around me that always need a boyfriend or always need someone there. I am not one of them. However, the trend I do see is that girls are often interested in LTRs but most guys are NOT.

 

I am confident that you will be able to find the girl who has the same outlook as you do! Don't give up because there are girls like that out there!

 

By the way, do you want a LTR because you are looking for a potential marriage partner? Or what is your reason for not wanting to play the field as most guys seem to want to do?

 

 

 

Hello Dec13, thanks for your time.

 

Well, in my experience, most of my male friends also do not want an LTR because they don't want to "get tied down" and right now they just wanna "relax". To me, spending intimate time (not even sexual!) with someone whom you share mutual romantic feelings with, is about as relaxing as it can get! I'd love to get "tied down" by someone who's on the same page as me and I would gladly stay tied! I'm one of those people that could flat-out look you in the eye and tell you that ill never cheat on a woman in my life. Even if they are THAT bad, Id have left them long before the fact.

 

I'm what I describe to be a "true believer" in wedding vows.

 

And to answer your question, I want to be in an LTR because I have the desire to seek out my life partner (not getting married for like ten years haha). I'm a very expressive person and have an insane thirst to share my passion with the right woman...not just any woman that I'd get tired of in 1-3 freakin years.....it's the fact that almost everyone my age displays undeniable symptoms of emotional dysfunction.

 

one friend can't commit to girls he even likes a lot one gal who can't stop with her bad-for-her ex bf, one fellow I know says he never wants to marry because he says all women cheat eventually, a gal I work with seems to think that there is nothing wrong with sleeping around, and of course while she's certainly got the right to do so, these are such seemingly widespread mentality that its almost like I've only once dated a girl who is "my type" (I was dead wrong though, that's what brought me to this site in August).

[StanMusial]

It depends on the circles you travel in. But there are plenty of girls your age that would be happy for a normal relationship with a normal guy.

 

Personally, I'm willing to give leeway to people who are in their 20's to a certain degree. Unfortunately there are those in their late 20's and beyond who still approach dating and whatnot with the same outlook you have described.

[Shepp]

No one is incapable of anything! Especially not based purely on their age!

 

There's how many billion people on the planet and you say ALL of them that are young adults are incapable of something.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Sand Man,

 

You are overlooking something absolutely central to the things you're contemplating:

 

 

A woman's sexual peak is in her 30's for a reason (and it's not because of the fifty-year-old guys who see her age as being optimum for dating). The reason is that women need time to get to know themselves in order to become comfortable enough with their own vulnerability to have their best sex.

 

Males, by contrast, have their sexual peak at about age 17.

 

So it stands to reason that the 17yo girls who once lined-up to be the conquests of the sexually-peaking 17yo high school student were just... combating the reality that is teenage girls being the loneliest people on the planet... and that only after many years and, usually, many guys later, can they finally get to know themselves, their needs, and their likes enough to best select a partner to suit them.

 

While it is true that a well-founded, young adult relationship can develop and thrive long enough for both sides to recognize the strong draw to emotional investments previously made, and make their way without many bumps in the road to the woman's early 30's and beyond... it is just rare for that to happen. (that goes double < or 10X > in 2013 when there is sooooooooooo much distraction in the world, as compared to 1950)

[Phoe]

Hi there.

 

I am a 24 year old decent looking, happy, healthy, mentally stable, trustworthy, nice, relationship-oriented girl.

 

 

And I'm not the only one. We exist

[StanMusial]

Sand Man,

 

You are overlooking something absolutely central to the things you're contemplating:

 

 

A woman's sexual peak is in her 30's for a reason (and it's not because of the fifty-year-old guys who see her age as being optimum for dating). The reason is that women need time to get to know themselves in order to become comfortable enough with their own vulnerability to have their best sex.

 

Males, by contrast, have their sexual peak at about age 17.

 

This is over-simplistic reasoning for a real, no BS, LTR.

 

While it is true that a well-founded, young adult relationship can develop and thrive long enough for both sides to recognize the strong draw to emotional investments previously made, and make their way without many bumps in the road to the woman's early 30's and beyond... it is just rare for that to happen. (that goes double < or 10X > in 2013 when there is sooooooooooo much distraction in the world, as compared to 1950)

 

I agree to some extent that it takes time to "come into one's own" in life. That's going to happen for everyone on a different time schedule. But it doesn't necessarily mean everyone has to have a bunch of meaningless relationships to achieve this. One could argue that this would even hold one back.

[Woggle]

It sure seems that way. The state of relationships is so bad today that it won't fix itself for another few generations if that.

[Dec13]

On a different note...do young people start relationships as asking someone out on a date anymore? It seems like it is being outdated.

[theothersully]

No BS LTR?

 

The short answer is "no." A lot of your generation got damaged somewhere along the line and tend to think of themselves as the center of the universe, putting their own needs and wants ahead of everyone else. Cultural training. My generation was taught we were better than you, but to still put others first. lol

 

This self centered thinking spills over into relationships with 20 somethings and causes a lot of problems. I am around/dating/friends with piles of 20 somethings. The hookup culture seems to be more important than the LTR for them at this point in life. "Hanging out" while you f*ck. Standard fare.

 

It's too bad. My generation is screwed up in its own ways, but you have it rougher on the LTRs.

 

Not saying every 20 something is like this, but vast majorities are, in my contact with them.

Edited December 16, 2013 by theothersully

[Woggle]

No BS LTR?

 

The short answer is "no." A lot of your generation got damaged somewhere along the line and tend to think of themselves as the center of the universe, putting their own needs and wants ahead of everyone else. Cultural training. My generation was taught we were better than you, but to still put others first. lol

 

This self centered thinking spills over into relationships with 20 somethings and causes a lot of problems. I am around/dating/friends with piles of 20 somethings. The hookup culture seems to be more important than the LTR for them at this point in life. "Hanging out" while you f*ck. Standard fare.

 

It's too bad. My generation is screwed up in its own ways, but you have it rougher on the LTRs.

 

Not saying every 20 something is like this, but vast majorities are, in my contact with them.

 

To be fair to them they are only the products of the me generation. This is the monster the me generation created.

[theothersully]

To be fair to them they are only the products of the me generation. This is the monster the me generation created.

 

Exactly.

 

Culturally, we are doomed when it comes to relationships. My point was that it's not the OP's fault and he is entirely correct.

 

I also didn't want to make it sound like I thought my generation was any better. We have our own problems from out upbringing.

 

With the 20's, everyone was taught they were God's gift to the world and they were more important than anyone else. That they were the center of the universe. This is 180 degrees from what it takes to have a successful ltr.

My generation (the one right before then) was taught the same thing, but only pertaining to what we could achieve. School, work, sports, etc... we could do anything. We were taught to defer to others within a relationship and not only look out for ourselves.

 

A fascinating topic. I'd be curious what the boomer/me generation was taught. They have a pretty significant divorce rate.

[Leigh 87]

I am capable of having a no bullsh*t adult relationship.

 

I go for guys I am really crazy about, and once with them, I do whatever I can to make things work.

 

If I am just not feeling it anymore, I break up with them. I wont string them along until I find someone better.

[Titania22]

OP my daughter wants a serious relationship and she is only 18yrs old. It really depends on the person. She is mature for her age, and she know what she wants in life. She hasn't had any luck finding a boy mature enough to fathom an adult relationship. She hasn't looked outside her peer group as yet.

[theothersully]

 

If I am just not feeling it anymore, I break up with them. I wont string them along until I find someone better.

 

This^^^^^^

 

Is exactly what I'm talking about. People throw stuff away so easily to trade up to "something better" rather than trying to improve or fix something.

 

That is why we have all these problems. I always attempt to improve a relationship if I'm not feeling it.

[Leigh 87]

This actually comes down to empathy.

 

Some people are simply devoid of emotion and empathy towards others.

 

I have bucket loads of empathy, to the point where even nice guys, to me, do not seem to care AS MUCH as I care about other people.

 

I have travelled a lot and f*cked around. I am 27 and know that I want a meaningful relationship. I am not boring. I am cute and fun and love sex. I think I would be a fun girlfriend for the right guy.

There are a lot of girls like me, who truly just want to meet the right person, and stay with them as long as we can both make it work.

 

Some examples of people with little empathy:

 

...Boy meets girl. They start dating. One of them decides they are not really all that into it, but keeps the other person around for sex and comfort until they find someone they are into.

or, boy meets girl. They meet another person they are more attracted to and cheat, because their moment of pleasure is more important that exercising self control, enough to break up with their partner BEFORE hooking up with someone else:sick:

 

 

 

 

This is a conscience problem; not a generational issue.

 

Some people just care more about peoples feelings than others.

 

ALTHOUGH, yes actually, parental influence is paramount. I think I would have believed anything my parents told me, growing up.

My parents were very caring and loving, and generous.

I suppose if I was brought up differently I would... perhaps I would be a heartless bi*tch?

 

 

I am not really that scientific, so I am not sure if people are born with a set level of empathy and kindness, or if it is mostly an environmental force, driven by your parents and those around you, when you are growing up.

[Leigh 87]

This^^^^^^

 

Is exactly what I'm talking about. People throw stuff away so easily to trade up to "something better" rather than trying to improve or fix something.

 

That is why we have all these problems. I always attempt to improve a relationship if I'm not feeling it.

 

 

 

I don't date people I am lukewarm or "meh" about.

 

I wait out, and find a guy who I am head over heels for. Who I want to be exclusive with right away, since I like them enough on date one to not even think about seeing other people.

 

If we were once very happy, and it seemed like we fell out of love, then yes, I would not just say " hmm well I am just not feeling it anymore, goodbye":lmao:

 

However, I do not believe in "fixing" things if one is genuinely NOT in love with the other person.

 

 

 

For some reason, I have always stayed crazy about the guys I have ben with; the longer I was with my ex, the more I liked him. Even though he was a jerk.

 

 

 

 

For some people like me, the longer we are with a guy, the MORE we are into them, opposed to getting bored of them....

[Mrlonelyone]

On average an important part of the brain does not mature until age 25 give or take a few years. Some sooner some latter. For instance an 18 year old who is ready to make romantic choices the way a 30 year old is, is rare. Most of them will continue to make romantic choices the way that they did in middle school, but tempered by experience.

 

 

This is not just me saying this. Adolescent Brain and Behavior | Why Do Teens Act This Way?

 

 

Age 25, the age of being able to rent a car on your own, and the age at which you can get a mortgage fully on your own, that is the real age of full adulthood.

 

 

Many dating guru's even point out that trying to form a really committed LTR at that age is folly. Have fun, date plenty of people, never expect it to last forever. If it does good, but don't despair if it does not.

 

 

Now in 5 to 10 years when you are 29 or 34 and still can't find a stable woman the issue is how is your judgment wrong.