Why would you have a relationship with someone if you don't see yourself marrying...

[Dec13]

Why would you have a relationship with someone if you don't see yourself marrying the person?

 

Especially for those who are already married, what set apart the person you married from anyone else and did you have marriage in mind when you first started a relationship with your current or ex-significant other?

[Zaphod B]

I don't see why marriage should have to be the end all and be all. Why is being married so important? Can't people be in a loyal committed relationship with someone and not get married?

 

I've been married before and I don't want to have to go through all that again. The expense of it, the stress, the discomfort of having all that attention on you and then if things should fail (and realistically marriages do fail and it would be naive to think yours never would)... then you have all the additional hassle of a divorce!

 

I'm sure glad I didn't marry my last long term girlfriend. That would have been a disaster!

[oldshirt]

Why would you have a relationship with someone if you don't see yourself marrying the person?

 

 

 

Depends on what you consider a relationship. How can you know if someone is the kind of person you want to marry or not until you get to know them? You get to know them by spending time with them and doing a variety of things with them.

 

 

The real question is why would you continue to see them once you clearly know they are NOT the one?

 

 

If you know someone is not the one, and if either your goal or their goal is marriage, then each moment you continue seeing them is moment stolen from both of you and is a disservice to both of you.

 

 

So simply put, if you don't know if someone is the one or not but they may have potential, then it's OK to see them until you know one way or the other or not.

 

 

Once the answer is no, then it should be Splitsville.

[CarrieT]

Why would you have a relationship with someone if you don't see yourself marrying the person?

I was married at 20 and divorced at 24.

 

For the subsequent 25 years, I had three long-term relationships and never considered marrying any one of them. My divorce was so contentious and expensive, that the idea of financially tying myself to another human being seemed idiotic, at best.

 

In each case, my partners agreed with me and marriage was not the be-all and end-all purpose of the relationship.

 

It was only my most recent relationship that changed my mind about marriage and - I'm happy to say - that at almost 50 years old, I have decided to marry. But that does not diminish the idea that we couldn't have continued the way we were without the piece of paper.

[InnocentMan]

Marriage must be the cruelest concept ever invented by man. What can be worse than having a horrible break-up, and then having to deal with the other person for upwards of a year, while you sort **** out? The only people that marriage truly benefits are lawyers, governments, and needy people.

 

There's a reason that it's dying on its arse. People are evolving to see it for what it is. Another means to control your entire life. It should be illegal for people under 50 in my opinion.

[carhill]

Plenty of people enjoy healthy relationships without being married or being interested in the legal partnership of marriage. Humans are diverse.

 

I can't yet envision myself having a serious intimate relationship and not seeing myself married to that person. Maybe I will someday. BTDT, have the marriage and divorce credentials.. Women and marriage aren't high priorities right now.

[bugaboo]

This is a helpful thread to see tonight. I have been asking myself similar questions. In a 2-year committed relationship with a wonderful man, but really not sure a) if it is going anywhere, b) if it *needs* to go somewhere, and c) whether I *want* it to go somewhere.

 

Oldshirt's comment that "If you know someone is not the one, and if either your goal or their goal is marriage, then each moment you continue seeing them is moment stolen from both of you and is a disservice to both of you" -- is very true and pertinent.

 

My issue is that I don't know (yet) if he's not the one, and also I don't really know if either of us has a goal of marriage. So I'm continuing on -- all is very good, but sometimes (due to geography and the fact we see each other when we *don't* have our kids) it doesn't feel much like "real life." And it seems to me that it's important to be good together in "real life."

 

Not quite sure what I'm trying to say, and pretty certain I'm not actually adding anything to the discussion -- but thank you for putting the question out there, OP.

[unicorn farts]

If I could tell someone wasn't going to be "the one" I broke up with them immediately (in less than a month). I didn't see the point in wasting my time/emotions. I was never interested in being with someone who wasn't right for years and then being reluctant to break up simply because of the time investment.

[pink_sugar]

Both my husband and I saw marriage eventually when we were dating. We both ultimately wanted to get married sometime down the line. Being married is different than just living together and being boyfriend/girlfriend forever.

[Clockwork]

Sometimes you don't realize how bad the relationship was until you are out of it and can see the forest through the trees. Then there is the feeling of loneliness and whether or not you'll find someone else. You sometimes stay with someone because you are settling and are marinating on your options. You think you can't do better. I've been there at one time, wasted a couple years before finally finding the one.

[Kkristine]

I think the answer has a lot to do with confusion and fear. Confused, because one might not really know what they want. Fear, because being in a relationship with someone you are confused about is better than being lonely and single.

[Kkristine]

I think the answer has a lot to do with confusion and fear. Confused, because one might now

[pyramid]

Why would you have a relationship with someone if you don't see yourself marrying the person?

 

The simple answer is - if you aren't looking to get married.

 

I have been married, I have a child, and don't want to have more. I started dating a lot when I decided I was "ready" for another long-term relationship. I would reject people that I didn't think were good marriage prospects, and found myself on first dates, sitting across from a guy, wondering if he'd be my husband someday.

 

It was crazypants.

 

Since then, I've expanded my horizons and have experimented with different types of relationships. I had a FWB for a while, I recently broke up with a short-term boyfriend, and now I'm trying out casual dating.

 

Sure, I want to get married again someday. I like the comfort and security of being married. But having been through an unfulfilling marriage and a divorce (which was relatively drama-free in my case but still hell) - I'm not in a hurry.

 

You can miss a lot of good life experiences if you don't stop and smell the roses a bit.

[redtail]

I'm married to my second wife and when we started dating, it was obvious to me that she was "the one".

 

Before her, I had dated after my divorce, and even when there was a good relationship with some, the connection that allowed me to reconsider getting married wasn't there. Its an intangible, a feeling that I did not listen to on my first marriage.

 

Sex, dates and having a good time is fine but the step to marriage requires the right person and for some reason, I just knew. I also, had no strong desire to jump into a marriage, there was no hurry, so no urgency to claim someone.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I strongly believe men know pretty early on in terms of long-term capability/marriage material, we're very visually based but men know what they're looking for more than they let on and we know the difference between someone we'd just like to be with for the short-term or casually and then for the long-haul...of course men don't express that for obvious reasons.

 

It's important once you feel the potential is there to express your desires and future goals in the long-term. Unfortunately many women look at any potential man as possible long-term/marriage material, men aren't like that...we don't just imagine this fantasy world with every women we see "potential" in unless that man is as eager to dive into a committed relationship as much as the woman...otherwise he's in no hurry and kind of playing a game of "I'll cross that bridge when I get there", and men learn from experience that the pressure starts coming on eventually in the relationship, that's the key for many men to get out of dodge and disconnect from that relationship.

 

But if he sees a long-term/marriage potential with you, then he will pursue and make the effort.

 

A lot of women believe you need to kind of wear down a man, or go through "ups and downs" for him to see the potential or how valuable you are, or how great you are and that he couldn't live without you before he finally "realizes" you're the one, so they grab onto him around the neck until he stops flapping around in the water like a fish and you finally reel him in with his mouth pulsating open and close into the boat...then you can start to "mold" him into the perfect partner/husband like puppy obedient school. And as you can see *gestures to the world*, it works...some of the time, especially with the pressure, the guilt trips and slow simmering of age and options drying up year after year.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas