zxNadEProofxz Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I need advice. I recently ended my 2 and a half year relationship with my ex girlfriend. Now during those 2 and a half years, she had broken up with me on 3 separate occasions. It would basically be the same pattern: 6-8 months would go by and things were great then all of a sudden she would ignore or me become very distant for a week before breaking up with me. Then, 2 or so weeks would go by with no contact, then she would get in contact with me saying that she had messed up and that she wanted to get back together with me. For a little bit of background, she is a terrible communicator. She would never tell me about something that was bothering her or making her unhappy in the relationship until it was too late and she felt overwhelmed to the point where she would just end things. She also has self-admitted male bonding issues due to problems with her dad and bad relationships in her past. For me, I have a strong ego and can be very vocal about my opinions. After each break up, I would literally have to force her to tell me what was going on with her and how she was feeling because she would never tell me or lie to me saying everything was okay. After we talked of course, everything was great until the next time she broke up with me. The 3rd time she broke up with me was early October. And from my point of view everything was fine until all of a sudden she just stopped talking to me. I had to literally beg her to talk to me. I got just enough out of her for her to say to me that she had broken up with me. Then about 2 weeks later, I get a message from her saying that "there was so much that she wanted to say to me". I said we could talk that night. We talked and she broke down saying that the reason she had broken up with me was because she felt that I was too good for her and that by just walking completely away from me would be the best thing for me. I told her that she was what I wanted and that I wish she had just communicated with me so we could talk through her feelings and work things out for the sake of the relationship. She agreed and we got back together shortly after that. Things weren't the same though, at least for me. She was battling through a period intense grief during this time because of family illness, school stress, etc and she was very busy as well. She doesn't deal with grief or depression very well. She withdraws and pushes people away, and she had admitted to me that she had always done that. At a time when I was still severely heartbroken and I needed her the most, I felt like she wasn't being there for me. After the third time she had broken up with me, I felt like I couldn't trust her with my heart anymore even though I really wanted too. I felt like I was always watching what I said and what I did so I wouldn't upset her or give her another reason to break up with me. I felt like if I made a single misstep or said one thing wrong, she would leave me. I was starting to feel needy and insecure when I never used to be in the past. I would tell her how I was feeling and she would always say things would get better soon, but I just wasn't sure anymore I'm not trying to say she wasn't good to me. Every time we were together, things were great (which didn't happen very often after the 3rd breakup). But she was so busy, stressed and depressed that I would sometimes not hear from her all day. Then the next day, I would get a text or call from her saying that she was sorry and had had a bad day and didn't want to talk to anyone that day. I did my best to be patient and understanding. I would always tell her that I was there for her and that I loved her, but I was miserable! I wanted to hear from her more! And when she would ignore me because she didn't want to talk to anyone, it felt like to me like I was being ignored because she was about to breakup with me. This went on for about 3 weeks this past November until the weekend before Thanksgiving. We had been texting Friday night until about 9:30 PM when I got my last message from her saying that that her car was having problems starting. I texted her back saying that I'd have my fingers crossed for her and that I hoped her car would start. That was the last thing I heard from her. The rest of Friday night goes by, and then all day Saturday. Sunday I try texting her, asking if she's okay and that I love her and am her for her. I got no reply. Sunday night I call her saying that we needed to talk because I was worried that I hadn't heard from her. Late Sunday night comes by and now I'm upset. It's been a whole weekend and I've heard absolutely nothing. I've tried to be understanding, but I felt my heart was being broken again. Fortunately, I'm good friends with my ex's mom and I asked her if she had heard anything from her the whole weekend. She said she had heard from her, and that she had been with her friends that whole weekend helping her friend deal with a breakup. At that point, I knew I was being ignored and I couldn't stand it anymore. I had tried to be understanding and patient but I was so heartbroken and upset. I tried calling her again with no avail. So I called her one more time and broke up with her. She never even responded to me and I've never heard anything from her since. For the past few weeks though, I've been feeling absolutely terrible. I keep telling myself I should've been more patient and understanding. She would always tell me things would get better and that she loved me and I know she meant it. But I just couldn't handle her being so distant to me. I felt like I needed her to be there for me, but that she was withdrawing at a time when I really needed her. But I still am always telling myself if had just stuck around longer that things would've gotten better and I just cannot help but blame myself for not being there for her when she needed it. I felt like I've abandoned her and I feel like a failure as a man and as a boyfriend. Did I do the right thing? I sent a message a few weeks later saying that I'd always be there for her, even if it wasn't in a relationship capacity and that I'll always love her. I never got a response. I'm so heartbroken and regretful that it's tearing me apart inside.
Shadowburn Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You did an absolutely right thing. Yiur ex gf is emotionally abusive and made you walk on egg shells so she won't break up with you again. At least she could show you some respect and end it properly, not ignoring you and hiding in hopes you'll get the hint. Good for you for walking away. Please make sure she won't be able to walk into your life again when it suits her. You deserve much better that that. 2
FortunateSon Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 One of the cornerstones of healthy relationship is communication. You said yourself that she is a terrible communicator. Based on personality, people's ability to communicate can improve but they never really change. I was in a similar situation where I was in a long term relationship/engagement with someone who was a poor communicator, and the relationship largely suffered and ended because of it. This is likely a blessing in disguise for you. Move on and heal, find someone who you can communicate well with. Take comfort knowing there isn't anything you could have done differently to make it work and be happy. 1
soulforge2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 dude walk away from this....# she is not treated you right... you cannot be in a relationship, constantly walking on egg shells... worrying & stressing about when the next dumping will come.. that is not life... you are becoming insecure & worried about losing her, this would have become worse & worse over time... till you would have become a shell of the man you once was... and a woman does not find a insecure needy man attractive... it's a lose lose situation trust me i have been there & i am bearing the scars of this kind of toxic relationship... when the other person will not communicate, or handle the relationship in a mature adult manner, then it's bound to fail my ex was the same... she is 46 year old & she would sulk like a child, wall to wall passive aggressive behaviour the communication would just break down, which would result in us splitting up, again and again she is broken... and you cannot fix her... i would get out, before you lose your sanity
Author zxNadEProofxz Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 Thank you so much guys, I really appreciate the advice
Author zxNadEProofxz Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 I wanted to add a few more things: She's in cosmetology school and that keeps her very busy 40 hours a week. Now even though she was busy, I was understanding of that fact. But, she would still have a few hours after school where she could be free so we could hang out, but she would instead fill up her time with cutting or coloring her friends hair, hanging out with friends etc. If it wasn't that, she would stay home, or go out with her mom, go look out for her grandma. It seemed like to me there was an always an excuse. I would ask her to please make some time for me, even if it for just a few hours once or twice a week. I didn't think I was asking for much. She said she would, but it would hardly ever happen. I was ALWAYS asking her when she was available, when she was free, if she was doing anything, etc. I began to feel like I was annoying her (that might not have been the case, but that's how I felt). All I wanted her to do was make an effort to see what I was doing or when I was free... It would've shown me that she at least cared... Did I still do the right thing?
Recommended Posts