Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 So there is a guy and we hang out in the same social circles. We are more acquaintances than friends and we started hanging out alone in the past 2 weeks. Last time I was hanging out with him, we ended up making out. I don't know where this is going because he has never asked for a date or to go out anywhere. I want to know whether it would be smart to have a convo with him about the situation since I don't want him to think this is some sort of fwb arrangement although I have not been intimate with him and I don't plan to outside a committed relationship. But if I don't go with the flow and attempt to ask him where this is going would I scare him off? How would I go about solving this problem?
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You avoid regret, awkwardness and mis-communication by communicating NOW. Certainly there's a chance that he may bail, but that only shows you that he's not up to the task or desire of having a relationship. As a guy, I have always appreciated this from the ladies. Why wouldn't I? I know, up-front, what the expectations are and that allows me to make an early decision as to what I would like to do. It's only fair and reasonable.
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Deal-breakers: Whether to have children or not; Different religions (especially if one or both are devout) celibacy before marriage. Everything else is fair game, but make it a level playing field....
zebracolors Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Making out with someone you just started hangout out alone with doesn't have to mean its going to become a committed relationship. Maybe he wonders the same thing but isn't thinking about such a relationship this early. However if he's not asked you out anywhere yet, i.e. making it clear that he wants to spend time with you for activities other than just "making out", it could be that is all he's interested in with you. So I'd tactfully bring it up because it could be that you two are not "on the same page" as far as seeing if the time together could lead to an actual relationship. If it drives him away, then you have your answer.
Sand Man Dan Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You avoid regret, awkwardness and mis-communication by communicating NOW. Certainly there's a chance that he may bail, but that only shows you that he's not up to the task or desire of having a relationship. As a guy, I have always appreciated this from the ladies. Why wouldn't I? I know, up-front, what the expectations are and that allows me to make an early decision as to what I would like to do. It's only fair and reasonable. Right. On. This is the correct answer to your question.
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Right. On. This is the correct answer to your question. I so agree with both of you. So to bring this up, do I just need to talk AT him or do I need to ask him questions too?? Do I just present what I'm thinking or what is the best way to do this? I'm new to this forum and I'm not aware of the messaging function or if there is even one but if so, and you have something private to add, please message me. Thanks so much for the comments so far.
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I so agree with both of you. So to bring this up, do I just need to talk AT him or do I need to ask him questions too?? Do I just present what I'm thinking or what is the best way to do this? I'm new to this forum and I'm not aware of the messaging function or if there is even one but if so, and you have something private to add, please message me. Thanks so much for the comments so far. Bring up the make-out session and ask him what he's hoping from this point on. If not a relationship or something really wishy-washy, then you have your answer. If it sounds like he wants more, then you should let him know what you are hoping for. Don't talk at him. Let him feel like he has some say, control over what could happen next, but make certain you let him know your expectations.
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 You avoid regret, awkwardness and mis-communication by communicating NOW. Certainly there's a chance that he may bail, but that only shows you that he's not up to the task or desire of having a relationship. As a guy, I have always appreciated this from the ladies. Why wouldn't I? I know, up-front, what the expectations are and that allows me to make an early decision as to what I would like to do. It's only fair and reasonable. So what kinds of things would you want to know??? Thank you for the hjelp!
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Bring up the make-out session and ask him what he's hoping from this point on. If not a relationship or something really wishy-washy, then you have your answer. If it sounds like he wants more, then you should let him know what you are hoping for. Don't talk at him. Let him feel like he has some say, control over what could happen next, but make certain you let him know your expectations. Is that how I should phrase it? "What are you hoping from this point on?" I don't want to scare him off by making him think that I want a ring or something (because it's not what I'm after). Yes, I seem him as a potential bf material but I am not looking to get married any time soon...
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 So what kinds of things would you want to know??? Thank you for the hjelp! 1. It is clear that we like each other. Would you like to see how far this "relationship" could go? 2. Once #1 is established, you either move on or let him know what YOUR expectations are: -do you want an exclusive relationship? -are you seeing anyone else? -how do you approach intimacy? I would be a little careful with this one. some guys will take your specific response and do everything they can to reach your criteria, get what they want (sex) then bail. sorry to be cynical, but it happens -how about that first date? (hopefully, if and after, agreeing to dating, that he'll ask you out for a proper one.) Others may have other ideas. Just a few of my own thoughts
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 How 'bout: "I'm all for getting a little more serious here.... what are you hoping for with us? I don't mind, it's just nice to have an open book to begin with....."
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Would using the word "serious" set off alarm bells? What kind of connotations does that word come with? I am so thankful for any input at all. Thanks so much everyone!
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Dec13, Okay, so leave out the word serious, but you have to let him know that you are looking for exclusivity. Right? And that more than implies that you want to have a "serious" relationship. Unless you tell him it's an open-relationship, which I don't think you want, it's a serious relationship you're looking for. How can you honestly and openly express your needs if by not risking losing him? You can't. If he doesn't like what you have to offer, then he's not for you. That simple. 1
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Dec13, Okay, so leave out the word serious, but you have to let him know that you are looking for exclusivity. Right? And that more than implies that you want to have a "serious" relationship. Unless you tell him it's an open-relationship, which I don't think you want, it's a serious relationship you're looking for. How can you honestly and openly express your needs if by not risking losing him? You can't. If he doesn't like what you have to offer, then he's not for you. That simple. At this point, I'm not attached to the point that I'm afraid of losing him. Which is why I want to do this now and not wait until later. I have had bad previous experiences.
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 At this point, I'm not attached to the point that I'm afraid of losing him. Which is why I want to do this now and not wait until later. I have had bad previous experiences. There you go.
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Ok. Just realized...does things change if I'm 23 and not 32???
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 yes. Commitment at this stage is not as critical unless you're definitely intent on starting a family. Then (for the woman at least) a suitable/ideal age for considering marriage/childbirth is around the 25 mark..... IMHO.....
Iguanna Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 If you start making out with someone who has not even asked you out you can't then complain that he saw you as a f%ck buddy or even less. It's like going to the meat market and then go home and cry cause what you really wanted was cheese. Learn to speak up and demand your needs or nobody will do it for you.
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Ok. Just realized...does things change if I'm 23 and not 32??? I don't really know what you mean by this and what age has to do with expressing your expectations in a relationship, but I would say, generally, NO. People throw around this word commitment to mean marriage, babies, etc. being involved, but no. When I date, I "commit" to my SO that I will be exclusive, etc. That has nothing to do with anything beyond the expectations that are relevant to the stage in which your relationship involves. You're doing NOTHING more than telling this guy what your expectations are in the beginning stages of a relationship (if it becomes that). Age doesn't matter. 1
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I don't really know what you mean by this and what age has to do with expressing your expectations in a relationship, but I would say, generally, NO. People throw around this word commitment to mean marriage, babies, etc. being involved, but no. When I date, I "commit" to my SO that I will be exclusive, etc. That has nothing to do with anything beyond the expectations that are relevant to the stage in which your relationship involves. You're doing NOTHING more than telling this guy what your expectations are in the beginning stages of a relationship (if it becomes that). Age doesn't matter. Ok. Another thing. If he did see me as relationship material vs just some girl, would he still have attempted to make moves on me? I think I am thinking of this as more complicated than it really is.
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 (edited) yes. Commitment at this stage is not as critical unless you're definitely intent on starting a family. Then (for the woman at least) a suitable/ideal age for considering marriage/childbirth is around the 25 mark..... IMHO..... Well, i don't want to get married right now because I currently have a career in a big city that I am enjoying. Edited December 15, 2013 by Dec13
Ruby Slippers Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I wouldn't bring it up. I think it's too early for questioning him about where this is going. I would just respond to his next move. If he tries to kiss you and start making out again, decline and say something like, "I'd like to get to know you better before we kiss and get more personal." He'll either back off and distance himself (no interest in dating you), continue being friendly and flirty (at least mild interest in dating you), or ask you out on a proper date (interested in dating you). His response to you drawing that line will tell you everything. Where you will or will not let this go is up to you. 1
Author Dec13 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I wouldn't bring it up. I think it's too early for questioning him about where this is going. I would just respond to his next move. If he tries to kiss you and start making out again, decline and say something like, "I'd like to get to know you better before we kiss and get more personal." He'll either back off and distance himself (no interest in dating you), continue being friendly and flirty (at least mild interest in dating you), or ask you out on a proper date (interested in dating you). His response to you drawing that line will tell you everything. Where you will or will not let this go is up to you. The issue is that this is a guy I might bump into at work....is it really too early?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 The issue is that this is a guy I might bump into at work....is it really too early? I don't think that asking a man anything close to "where is this going?" or "do you want to get serious with me?" is ever effective, but definitely not before you've even gone on a real date. These talks are certainly not a good idea while you're at work! Be friendly with him at work as usual. Then when you're alone with him next time, see what happens. And take it from there.
Leigh 87 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Bare in mind, if you say nothing and agree to go along with this kissing business. Many guys will continue with no intention of dating you , and l they won't end it unless you tell them that you can't continue, unless you're romantically linked. I wou personally wait for the next time he tries to kiss you. Then, simply say : "hey, this has been fun, but I don't do fwb" His reaction will be telling. Anything short of: " well actually, I don't want a Fwb either. I want to date you" is not sufficient reasoning to keep you around for him to kiss when he pleases.
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