Can't get over his past

[Powerhouse]

Hi guys, I've been with my SO for almost 9 months now. Recently I heard of him talking about his romantic experience with his ex-girlfriend. I felt really hurt about it. He has spoken about it many times, but I just kept quiet about it and suppressed how I feel because I don't want to endanger the relationship. I am also very insecure about my past, because I didn't have the romantic experience that he has, and I deeply regretted not being more proactive in my past relationships. I also feel like I don't match up to a particular ex, whom he seems very attached to.

 

However, 2 days ago it has reached tipping point and I snapped. In a fit of jealousy I told him that I didn't want to share my first kiss, first hug and first making out session with him, because he shared it with someone else. Obviously he was really hurt by it, and asked me "Why is one person not enough?". He wanted to be my first, but I felt like it will only be a special experience for him, but not for me, because it wasn't mutual.

 

The issue was that I felt unwanted; without him, I would be a nobody, but without me, he would have that ex chasing after him. That feeling was resolved, now that my ex (who is friends with my SO) disclosed to me that the day I broke up with him was the day that he intended to propose to me. I felt slightly better about my past now that my self-worth is validated and I feel wanted.

 

Now, I am not sure whether I should go on with him. He's wonderful to me in many ways, but I have a lot of difficulty dealing with his past. Without him, it's likely my ex would take me back, but I don't have anymore feelings towards my ex anymore. On one hand, it's stupid to go through all the turbulence, just to split up due to this petty issue, but it's not like I can control how I feel. I don't think leaving the relationship and finding someone else would solve the problem, because all other guys around have way more sexually and romantically experience than he does; he's already the best I can find who can match my inexperience. It's either that I continue with him or quit relationships altogether. What should I do?

Edited December 15, 2013 by Powerhouse

[TaraMaiden]

You need counselling.

This is definitely YOUR problem; not his.

 

You CAN control how you feel. You've just abdicated that control and given in to your feelings.

 

Your feelings need to be validated, and are to be honoured - but not to the extent that you permit them to guide your responses, thought-processes and attitude to him.

 

seek professional support.

[Under The Radar]

Ok, first of all, why is your BF talking about his ex GF 9 months into a committed relationship with you? Not sure why that would be brought up at this point.

 

How old are the two of you? At 9 months the two of you have not kissed or had a "make out session"?

 

If you don't know what Retroactive Jealousy is, then I suggest you Google it. It's a very real problem in many relationships and if not dealt with can destroy perfectly healthy ones.

 

It doesn't seem like you are "saving yourself for marriage". If that is not the case, but you cannot get over his past, then the solution is to leave him.

 

It's really that simple and an incompatibility issue ...... you cannot change someone's past.

[Powerhouse]

Ok, first of all, why is your BF talking about his ex GF 9 months into a committed relationship with you? Not sure why that would be brought up at this point.

 

How old are the two of you? At 9 months the two of you have not kissed or had a "make out session"?

 

If you don't know what Retroactive Jealousy is, then I suggest you Google it. It's a very real problem in many relationships and if not dealt with can destroy perfectly healthy ones.

 

It doesn't seem like you are "saving yourself for marriage". If that is not the case, but you cannot get over his past, then the solution is to leave him.

 

It's really that simple and an incompatibility issue ...... you cannot change someone's past.

 

We're in a long-distance relationship at the moment, hence this. We're both virgins, but he have made out with someone before and I've not because all my previous relationships were LDRs too. We are both in our early 20s.

 

I know about this. Just wondering whether it's my problem or an incompatibility issue.

 

For marriage, no. I've been saving up for the right person. Now, I think he's the right person, but my lack of experience is eating away into my confidence. He says he doesn't mind, but I do. If he isn't the right person for me, then it will be a complete waste of my time to save up at all.

 

I wish I could change my past, though I don't feel this way so strongly anymore.

 

Are you saying that I should give up on love completely? Honestly if I were to leave him I can't be bothered to try anymore.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Powerhouse

[Under The Radar]

In some ways it is both an incompatibility issue and your personal problem.

 

What I mean is this: He cannot change his past, so if the thought of him having more experience than you is a deal breaker, then yes, you two are incompatible. However, if YOUR insecurities are NOT addressed (like Tara Maiden posted) then this will become a problem in FUTURE relationships.

 

Your BF sounds very patient and willing to go at your pace. Why not garner some experience with him? You obviously like him and no trust issues seem to be present.

[TaraMaiden]

You can't change anything in your past; come to terms with it, and use it as a learning tool.

You can't change anything about him; he is who he is, and one should love one's partner because of, not in spite of things.

 

You need some kind of professional guidance to hit the base of your simptoms.

Everything you're manifesting now is symptomatic of a deeper issue.

Find that - then decide what you want to do about it - if anything.

You are in control of you.

You decide what you want and don't want to work on.

[Powerhouse]

In some ways it is both an incompatibility issue and your personal problem.

 

What I mean is this: He cannot change his past, so if the thought of him having more experience than you is a deal breaker, then yes, you two are incompatible. However, if YOUR insecurities are NOT addressed (like Tara Maiden posted) then this will become a problem in FUTURE relationships.

 

Your BF sounds very patient and willing to go at your pace. Why not garner some experience with him? You obviously like him and no trust issues seem to be present.

 

He is, and all trust issues have been resolved long ago. We're planning to. Well, I simply feel inadequate and not good enough for him with my lack of experience.

[Powerhouse]

You can't change anything in your past; come to terms with it, and use it as a learning tool.

You can't change anything about him; he is who he is, and one should love one's partner because of, not in spite of things.

 

You need some kind of professional guidance to hit the base of your simptoms.

Everything you're manifesting now is symptomatic of a deeper issue.

Find that - then decide what you want to do about it - if anything.

You are in control of you.

You decide what you want and don't want to work on.

 

Where and how do you think this deeper issue manifested? There must be a root cause to the problem. At least I could get some idea about where it started and eliminate the source or the memory of the source.

[stillafool]

Where and how do you think this deeper issue manifested? There must be a root cause to the problem. At least I could get some idea about where it started and eliminate the source or the memory of the source.

 

This is what therapy will help you find out. No one here can tell you because we don't know your life.

[TaraMaiden]

That's not for me to discover, 'diagnose' or even hurl a guess at.

That's for you to explore - but be careful: seeking the cause will open up other avenues of exploration about yourself.

And trust me - in my personal experience, 'confronting demons' and 'watching the show' are not always pleasant experiences.

There were aspects of myself I discovered, many multi-moons ago, that left me uncomfortable.

Things about myself I knew I had to change.

man that was a toughie....

 

Was it worth the effort?

hell, yeah.

[Powerhouse]

Thank everyone, great answers so far.

[Zaphod B]

So if I have this straight, you are uncomfortable that he has already been intimate with someone in the past, but you haven't. It bugs you that you are not going to be his first?

 

If I have got that right then I think you just have to try to let that go, because it's going to become more and more of an issue as you go through life. You're gonna be involved with people who have perhaps been in several relationships. I'm in my 40s now and have been in a few relationships. I have learnt to not even ask too many questions about sexual pasts and ex's because it bothers me when I hear some of it. I'd just rather not know their pasts and let them volunteer what they want to divulge. And when you think about it, it's probably better not to ask too many questions because some have had some awful experiences and may not want to be reminded of those things anyway.

 

My apologies if I'm misconscruing what you are saying here, but that was just my thoughts on it. It certainly doesn't help if he is talking about his ex to people. He needs to just shut up about it. YOU are his girlfriend now.

[BeingMe]

OK, this is going to sound like a silly question but...have you actually ever met in person? I'm just wondering if your relationship so far has only been online/phonecalls?