mbee Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 (edited) Okay so last night I was off on a cool hangout with my FWB, just me and him. We have been FWB for about 4 months from now. Initially I wanted more but he kept telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship up until a couple of weeks ago. His reasons were he felt he wasn't happy in his own life and couldn't be the boyfriend he deserved to be with someone. This was fine by me since I came out of a terrible relationship 9 months ago and will be moving away in 2 months. Anyway, a couple of nights ago I texted him saying "I am concerned about your lack of enthusiasm about A, B and C." He seemed depressed and I was just opening the gate to talk about it. I had no idea he was upset or anything by what I said. Well last night while we our driving to the event (and yes, we didn't go) he says I was "bullying" him and "hurt him so much." He became out of control. I told him that was not my intention and he kept saying that "no it was my intention to hurt him" and being very hard to deal with. I took him home immediately and said if he wanted to talk about this other issue that's fine but I'm not going to argue over silly details. Anyway we kind of talked about it but not really. He immediately brought up how he wanted to be in a relationship with me. I told him "no" and for the following reasons. 1. He said he didn't want a relationship and I respected it, so now he can respect my wishes for not wanting a relationship. 2. He was already being disrespectful and pulling the victim mentality thing while arguing, so why would I agree to a relationship that involves bullying, manipulation, one-sidedness and yelling. He even says "f*** you" and other things that I would never say in a relationship and haven't in the past. 3. He says he wants a relationship for the next 2 months but is not willing to do a long distance relationship, which takes away the whole point of a relationship. Why even be in a relationship if you don't want to do a LDR? We are already FWB.... his reasoning is he wants to take me on dates and treat me better (yeah, right!). I explained this to him and he just got more upset, acting like if I didn't agree to be his girlfriend that he was going to not be my friend. It was childish and ridiculous. Honestly, I think he has a psychological/emotional problem. He acts this way with his friends, his family and his coworkers. This is something ingrained in his personality. He is aware he has a problem and has said several times he knows he has an issue but seems unable to get help for it. He's acted this way before when he's upset and thankfully I don't get hurt by it. Usually he needs a day or 2 to cool off but yesterday was very frustrating for me. Again, I think he has an emotional problem. Normally he's fine, but when he gets upset he starts acting this way and acting like it's his way or the highway. For instance I told him last night I wouldn't want to be in a relationship because clearly we have severe communication issues. He says, "okay let's fix it together." I said, "Yes, I'm happy to but knowing the issues it will take more than a couple of months" and then he said "fine get out of my apartment." He didn't mean it but it's his defense mechanism and clearly a reflection of an emotional problem. I enjoy his friendship quite a bit and really love having him as a friend. This side of him comes out when arguing. As a friend I can tolerate it. As a girlfriend this would be a NIGHTMARE! Any suggestions on how to tell him in the best way that I will NOT be in a relationship with him respectfully? I feel like verbally talking to him last night was a mess and didn't go anywhere. I do not know what to do. I am leaving for home for a week for the holidays so hopefully that will give us some space since we see each other pretty frequently. Edited December 15, 2013 by mbee
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 No need to tell him that you don't want a romantic relationship with him face-2-face. You can see how belligerent he can get, so do it by texting, calling. Don't let anyone tell you it's the chicken way out to do it by texting or callinig. That's nonsense especially if the guy gets angry and a little scary. JUST TELL HIM. 2
stillafool Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You cannot put up with that type of behavior with a friend or a boyfriend. You are fooling yourself if you think you can. FWB means sex with no commitment. You can't have sex with a man who is abusive can you? Why not move on an find another FWB who is more stable and mature? Just text him and tell him it's over.
StanMusial Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You should do him a favor and end your "relationship".
Author mbee Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 You cannot put up with that type of behavior with a friend or a boyfriend. You are fooling yourself if you think you can. FWB means sex with no commitment. You can't have sex with a man who is abusive can you? Why not move on an find another FWB who is more stable and mature? Just text him and tell him it's over. Well we are actual friends. FWB I guess makes the friendship sound casual. We have a deep friendship and are close. Like I said in the post, as friends I can tolerate the anger. I have a couple of other friends who are moody and have some real issues they need to deal with, but as a friend I know when to step away, give them space and it's no big deal. With him, I've done this in the past, and like I said, he's aware of this issue so he'll admit when it's a problem and things go back to normal. For a friend, this is fine and it doesn't upset me. I just find it annoying. For a relationship this is completely unacceptable.
Author mbee Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 No need to tell him that you don't want a romantic relationship with him face-2-face. You can see how belligerent he can get, so do it by texting, calling. Don't let anyone tell you it's the chicken way out to do it by texting or callinig. That's nonsense especially if the guy gets angry and a little scary. JUST TELL HIM. Okay that helps a bunch. I'll try to text him tonight letting him know that and saying we need some space since when I tried to talk to him last night, in person, it was just all over the place and confusing.
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I take back my previous response regarding telling him face2face. If you are close friends already, then he should be okay with your feelings. You've already decided not to have a romantic relationship with him as you would not tolerate this. You know him, he has anger issues and you're not going to have a romantic relationship with him. Tell him and end it.
crederer Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Just tell him straight up, "this arrangement is not working for me". You don't even have to give him reasons.
Author mbee Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Just tell him straight up, "this arrangement is not working for me". You don't even have to give him reasons. You guys are correct. I just said that and I did it via text since we did have a 6 hour discussion about this last night that went absolutely nowhere. I mentioned we need some space to let us cool down and he hasn't replied yet. Fingers crossed!
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