jimarg Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 (edited) Long post ahead! Hi everybody. I 've read a lot of good advices in here and i love the support the community gives! So i am taking the courage to write about my issues to get some new ideas and advices! First some background. I am a 31 year old guy. I used to date a lot more when i was younger and especially during my studies in UK. Now its been about 8 years that i am back in my country. Women are a lot different and more hard to get here than in UK. I 've dated, i had a few relationships, although small ones but I haven't had a good relationship in the last 2 years, because of work, not a lot of extra time, bad finances and a lot of excuses. It hasn't occur to me how behind i fell in this aspect of life up until recently. Now I am basically shy and afraid. So i met this gorgeous girl in March (around 8 months ago) through work. She came through a mutual friend for an interview in my office (i am the owner). She had a good portfolio and seamed like a really nice girl but i couldn't hire her at that time. We kept in touch though and we did a few freelance jobs together. At first I wasn't expecting anything out of this cause was considering myself not as somebody she would date. But she kept in contact and she was the first one to suggest to do an activity together. She asked me to join her in a charity event. I declined the opportunity cause i was busy at the time. Things were slow at first but we were talking through facebook and eventually she asked me again to join her in a different charity event she wanted to go. I accepted and we went. I went and picked her up. She was really friendly and we had fun. I felt we had a connection from the start but i wasn't sure. We kept in touch through social media and random meets. I then had the opportunity to invite her to a bar opening and she gladly accepted. I took this as a sign that she was interested in me. Anyway we went, had a good time but i think my inexperience at the moment and me not wanting to ruin anything by doing something, actually sabotaged my night. Long story short i started having feelings for her. We kept going out together or with friends. I was suggesting stuff, she was suggesting stuff and whenever we met i was trying to be as flirty and touchy as possible, without doing anything radical. I should mention now that whenever i cared and liked a girl i get really afraid i might do something to ruin everything and i get mental blocks! Otherwise I am (or was) OK with the flirty stuff. Mid May i decided to act on my feelings and actually tell her. By that time we were close and whenever we went out we gave the impression that we were a couple. So one day i managed to get her some new job interviews through other contacts (she had trouble at her job and kept telling me that she couldn't take it anymore). I also got her a gift. I made a "work survival" kit, Which basically was a hand back with different stuff inside that she liked and would make her work days better. I called her that day and told her I will come and pick you up a 7 and I have some surprises for you. She said ok. So i went, picked her up and we wend to a coffee place. I told her about the 2 new job interviews, we had our coffee and i also told her about a third surprise (the gift). We then went for a walk and back to the car to drive her home. So we got to her place and I got her "work survival kit". She loved it! When she asked me why the really nice gift I told her that i liked her and i would love to go out on a real date with her and find out more about her! Everything up to that moment made my believe that at least she would got out with me and see what would happen. But she said no. She wasn't interested cause her mind was on other things and we should stay as friends. She was glad i told her that and i was glad that i did. I did it before and got over it, i could do it again. On her suggestion to stay as friends i simply said that i didn't mind that but i knew i wasn't going to try to be her friend. So I cut contact with her. Because of work though we started talking again. That was mid June. Other than the work stuff she was initiating everything else. I tried not caring about it. in July we lost a mutual friend. She called me that day really sat to tell me about it. We went together to the funeral and after that we started talking a bit again. I was trying not to do too much but I got the feeling that she was flirting with me again. In mid August a pattern started to emerge. She would start escalating the situation up to a point and then cool it down. And then after a few days start it back again to cool it down a bit latter on. Every time before the cool down period we would come closer and closer, up to the point that you bassically start a relationship, or atleast talk about it. But whenever we reached that point she would cool it down again. In October i started having really strong feelings for her and i tried to get out of this escalating to cool down thing by not payin too much attantion to her. She was contacting me and i was bassically responding. In November though we started going out again and the tension started building up again. I became more touchy touchy and flirty and she started accepting it more. We would come closer and closer and go out during the weekends to the point she suggested we go vacation together in February. That was 2 weeks ago. Last week we went out Friday, Saturday and Sunday and if you ask all the people that saw as they would tell you that we were a couple for sure. In relationships there are 4 important things for me. Lets say my theory. Its communication, Respect, Intimacy and love. With this girl we have great communication, i think we have respect, we sometimes have intimacy but it seams we are lacking a lot in the love department. After 8 months of knowing her I found out a few things about her.She has 3 older guys as best friends. They are like her bigger brothers. All 3 of them really like me and event tease her that she is in a relationship with me. She told me that in mid August cause in the middle of a cool down period i asked her if there was something going on between her and any of them. She simply said no and laughed about it. Although she is beautiful she is really shy and lacks confidence. She seems to have family issues to the point to ask me if i could give advice and guidance to her younger brother. She told me about 2 previews relationships she had although she doesn't look experienced. She told me she got into situations that got her really emotionally heart and asked me not to do a similar thing to her! If anything she is open to conversations to resolve friendship issues. She gives me the impression that she wants me in her life but a relationship might ruin what we now have or maybe even ruin the life she now has to something worse ... Oh and she is 26, Christian and from an over protective family. Sorry about the looooong post!! I need your advice, suggestions, opinions! I am not sure if I should be more aggressive with her and basically stop over thinking or just cut contact and leave it up to her! Thanks for listening! Edited December 15, 2013 by jimarg spelling
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 She sounds like she's using you as a physical, sexual crutch, You're not so much in the friend-zone as a FWB: a Friend with benefits. She's keeping you at arm's length because she doesn't want to risk the commitment and getting hurt, and she has already told you that, by asking you to not repeat the behaviour of past guys who have hurt her. but she wants you near for the physical intimacy and the 'prestige' of someone who wants her. You have to decide if this is acceptable to you. Are you content with being her 'phukk-buddy'? or would you require, expect and demand more from her, if this is to continue? Either way, the choice is yours. Stay, put up and shut up - or seek your principle level and be true to it? Edit to add: She can't be all that 'Christian' if she's screwing around with you.... and an 'over-protective family' would ensure she's still a virgin. She's tied to them because she wants to be.
Sand Man Dan Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 She sounds like she's using you as a physical, sexual crutch, You're not so much in the friend-zone as a FWB: a Friend with benefits. She's keeping you at arm's length because she doesn't want to risk the commitment and getting hurt, and she has already told you that, by asking you to not repeat the behaviour of past guys who have hurt her. but she wants you near for the physical intimacy and the 'prestige' of someone who wants her. You have to decide if this is acceptable to you. Are you content with being her 'phukk-buddy'? or would you require, expect and demand more from her, if this is to continue? Either way, the choice is yours. Stay, put up and shut up - or seek your principle level and be true to it? Edit to add: She can't be all that 'Christian' if she's screwing around with you.... and an 'over-protective family' would ensure she's still a virgin. She's tied to them because she wants to be. Maybe I missed something Tara, but I didn't read anywhere he said clearly that they hook up. He did mention intimac though but that's somewhat vague. OP, she just sounds like she is enjoying the emotional validation of having someone want her. I feel as though if she wanted a relationship with you, based on what you've done, you two would be a couple. And to me, that's a telling enough signal. I, personally, would just move on because even if you get her to fall for ya she's just too wishy-washy which would only spell turmoil down the line.
Author jimarg Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Yep as Sand Man Dan said we haven't hooked up yet. I am really having fun with her and we really connect and its frustrating some times to think that we can have so much more together! I had a similar situation with another girl years ago. I had a crush on her for years and i kept comparing her to other girls i dated. Big mistake! I finally decided that enough was enough and just moved on. I had it once, moved on, did my thing so I know if i feel that i had enough with this one I will be able to do the same. It just feels a bit different with this one. I could cut her off but that's a bit out of the question because we do projects together and i promised her i would never do that to her (hurt her like others before).
Author jimarg Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Now what i am trying to do is to be as busy as possible with other situations and see her reaction ... for example we were talking on Friday about work and I left it at that. Saturday we usually do stuff but i decided to not call her at all. She did text me around 9 simply saying "hey" and I didn't reply till today morning to ask her whats up. She said "nothing much just wanted to ask about a work thing". Casually chatted for a bit and i told her if she wanted to go for coffee. She told me to call her later. I did, she didn't answer and called me back about an hour later, told me she went for dinner and i told her i was at a female friends house. She said female? and i said yep a friend of mine and left it at that ...
MalachiX Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Any other ideas or opinions? Yes, instead of trying to make it seem to her like you're moving on, ACTUALLY MOVE ON. Start going out on real dates with real women and stop giving her any kind of flirty attention. You don't have to completely cut out the friendship but you need to stop acting like a couple when you're not. She may not realize what she's doing but she's essentially using you. It happens a lot (with both men and women); but it still sucks. She's enjoys the attention and validation you give her as well as having someone to do couple-ish things with but she's not willing to take all that goes with a relationship. It's no different than when a man keeps a woman on the hook for sex but won't actually date her. Start dating other people. Just being busy with work won't do it because you're still going to be longing for her and she's still going to try to keep using you because you have no other options. 2
Author jimarg Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 I really really wanna be more than just friends with her but at the end of the day moving on might be the best solution ...
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