kumatora Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I started seeing someone in an open, committed relationship (but not married) a couple months ago. We met on an online dating site, exchanged a few messages on there, texted back and forth almost constantly the rest of the day, and met up for coffee and sex the next morning. He explicitly states on his profile that he is in an emotionally-committed open relationship and that he isn't looking for another one. I went into it with the understanding that I would never be as important to him as his girlfriend is to him, and that if either (or both) of us became too emotionally attached to the other, we would have to break it off for the sake of minimal hurt feelings. His girlfriend has been aware of his relationship with me since day 1. The sex is amazing, we get along really well, we relate to each other in a lot of ways, and we have many similar interests. We have only met up a couple times since the first encounter, but often text each other throughout the time we're apart. Since we first met up, we've been becoming closer and closer as time goes on. I can't speak for his feelings entirely since I'm sure he doesn't tell me absolutely everything, but assuming he hasn't been out-and-out lying to me about the way he feels, he is very fond of me. We haven't exchanged "I love you"s and I don't expect that we ever will, but I definitely do care about his well-being, in addition to enjoying his company immensely. How much we miss each other is often part of our texts while apart, even only a day or two after we've met up. Since our FWB status has started escalating to "feelings for each other" territory, I've become anxious about the possible negative outcomes of our relationship going further, and am plagued by unanswered questions; all concerning his long-term partner or their relationship. "What if his girlfriend isn't comfortable with the way he and I interact? Would he tell me? What if his girlfriend isn't aware of the extent of our interaction? What if he ends up enjoying his time with me more than his time with her?" I tried to clear a few of these questions up by asking him upfront (via text message). He assured me that she's okay with us continuing to hook up, but that she actively doesn't want to know or meet me, as it would be too hard for her to deal with (he had talked about the possibility of us all hanging out at some point). I completely understand where she's coming from, and I can't say I'd feel much different if I were in her shoes. I really do like and care about him, and I want our relationship to continue, no matter if it means that we have to scale back on our emotional intimacy and/or whatever else needs to be done in order for us to keep seeing each other. To be clear, I don't want him to break things off with his girlfriend in order to be with me. Not only do I think this is an unlikely situation to arise, it's also one I don't want anything to do with. I don't want to be a "homewrecker" and I inevitably would be deemed one if that was to happen. In my mind, the ideal situation would be polyamory so he could continue to develop his relationship with me as well as with his girlfriend, but I'm not sure if that's something he would want and I'm pretty damn sure it's something his girlfriend definitely doesn't want. Thoughts, help, advice, and similar experiences are all welcome & appreciated in response. I'll be checking back in on this thread tomorrow, as it's 4am here and I've got to get some sleep. Thanks in advance!
anne1707 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 How do you know his girlfriend knows anything about you? Is it just based on his word? 4
bentleychic Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 How do you know his girlfriend knows anything about you? Is it just based on his word? Exactly. My thoughts are that she has no clue about you or your relationship with him. (So his story about her not being comfortable being around you would avoid that confrontation well.) I sincerely hope that I'm wrong. 2
happy stillmore Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I agree. The girlfriend does not know. If I were you, I would only agree to see him again if you talked to her and she states she is aware of the situation. If she tells you she does not want to meet, that is okay. Honor her wishes but honestly, I don't believe she has a clue what her boyfriend is doing. What girlfriend allows her boyfriend to sleep with someone else? Unless there is a physical condition inhibiting her from sex. He is a player, playing you and his gf. Leave. You can't trust this guy at all. 1
Author kumatora Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I actually do know for a fact that she knows, not solely based on his word. She also has a profile on the same site (they both link to each others' profiles on their own profile) and she visited my profile after her boyfriend and I met up the second time. I messaged her on there (I started the message with something like "Hi, I'm [name] and I've been seeing your boyfriend [name] for a little while") with the hopes of becoming friends (she seems really great) and she replied with something short and dismissive. I didn't pursue any sort of friendship with her further since she seemed uninterested, and after that is when he told me that she doesn't want to know or meet me.
Author kumatora Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I agree. The girlfriend does not know. If I were you, I would only agree to see him again if you talked to her and she states she is aware of the situation. If she tells you she does not want to meet, that is okay. Honor her wishes but honestly, I don't believe she has a clue what her boyfriend is doing. What girlfriend allows her boyfriend to sleep with someone else? Unless there is a physical condition inhibiting her from sex. He is a player, playing you and his gf. Leave. You can't trust this guy at all. They have an open relationship for the same reason a lot of people have an open relationship, and it has nothing to do with her physical condition. They both wanted to be able to safely fool around with other people without consequences to their own long-term relationship. I thought people on this forum would at least do a little research if they didn't understand or know about successful open relationships, but apparently not.
Author kumatora Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I'm honestly really disappointed with the responses I've gotten to my post so far. Everyone immediately assumed something completely untrue and irrelevant to my post. Admittedly, I should have included how I knew that she knew in the post, but I didn't think about the possibility that everyone would jump to the same (incorrect) conclusion. I can understand why the people who responded would think what they thought, but it really has no connection to the reality of the situation. I'm hopeful that I'll get some relevant responses soon.
AutumnMoon Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I'm honestly really disappointed with the responses I've gotten to my post so far. Everyone immediately assumed something completely untrue and irrelevant to my post. Admittedly, I should have included how I knew that she knew in the post, but I didn't think about the possibility that everyone would jump to the same (incorrect) conclusion. I can understand why the people who responded would think what they thought, but it really has no connection to the reality of the situation. I'm hopeful that I'll get some relevant responses soon. Sometimes even the most open minded people will be shocked or grossed out by the idea of an open relationship. It's just something that most people taught from so young, that its one person for one other person, and anything else is wrong. Ignore the fact that people cheat constantly. If open marriages were not so taboo people would bring it up at the beginning of a relationship and feel no shame about it. People CAN love more than one person at a time and they also can for sure have sex with more than one person at a time without it meaning they don't love anyone.. But a lot of people would not agree. My advice to you, is protect your heart. Let him worry about his own and you worry about yours.. He's got someone else to worry about him too. Are you married or in another relationship too? If you are comfortable talking to him tell him everything you just said here. If you trust him and care about him, just be honest and listen to how he feels to and go from there. 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I'm honestly really disappointed with the responses I've gotten to my post so far. Everyone immediately assumed something completely untrue and irrelevant to my post. Admittedly, I should have included how I knew that she knew in the post, but I didn't think about the possibility that everyone would jump to the same (incorrect) conclusion. I can understand why the people who responded would think what they thought, but it really has no connection to the reality of the situation. I'm hopeful that I'll get some relevant responses soon. My response still stands. This is one almighty emotional mess just waiting to happen. Cut loose before it gets too big to handle safely. 1
RickFox Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 She was dismissive of you, she's not comfortable with the whole thing and why on earth is this even acceptable to you?? Is the idea of finding someone NOT attached to someone else that horrible? I'm almost positive there are tons of single guys who will hook up with you for your 'needs' and then go home without thinking about you. You're already getting emotionally attached and you can tell everyone here you don't mind being second, but very few people in this world want to be second.... I'm with Tara, walk away and never look back. Oh and just a thought, how do you know he didn't set both accounts up on that website? Just sayin' 4
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