My painful breaking-up story

[Bow415]

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to share my breaking-up experience, because it ****ing hurts, and I thought it may help to write it down.

I was with a girl for about 2 years. She lived at my place, it was okay but I wasn't in love. I wanted to quit but didn't wanted to hurt her. And then one day, at work I met HER, A shinny, intelligent, on the same page as me. She made a move at me. Finally we went out I slept together. It was beautiful and strong. We fell for each other immadiatly. Next day I went home and told my ex that it's over and I ask her to move out. I started dating we the new one. It was like a dream, we were so in love. It was like perfect.

 

Then she had to live her apartment and she slept at my place. We finally decided after just a few month that she could move in and live with me. It was very early, just two two month after we met. It was nice, but then things changed. She had a new stressing job and I had a big family drama, it happened at the same time. I didn't told her about my family trauma because I wanted to keep our relationship safe from it. But I became stressed and made her life hell. Because of her work she became cold and felt lost, and because of my depression I was control freak with her. We had fights everyday for almost a month, then one morning we had a on too many fight, and she told me she is going to her parents.

 

A few days later we met, I thought we can have a reconciliation, but she told me that she packed her things and she is leaving me. I apologized to her and told her what happened to me. She cried, didn't understood why I didn't told her about my trauma and then ask for some time. She finally came back a few days later, told me she wanted us together but didn't wanted to live with me anymore, for the moment. I said I understand and it was okay. She slept at my place for about a week, it was cool, but during the week she was quite distant, but also told me she loves me. When the weekend arrived, we decided to be together.

 

It was good, but in a conversation I was a dick and made a drama about her to stay living with me. She was offended that I ask her that and told me that I am overbearing, we had a fight, and she told me that she doesn't want it anymore and left me sunday morning, just one week after we made up again. Then during the afternoon something very bad happened to my mother again and I was in panic, I ask her to come over to be with me, she didn't wanted really, but finally came over. She was cold and after 2 hours left.

 

The next day she wrote me that me and my family problems were too much for her and that it is over. A few days later she packed her things and move out from my place while I was at work. She left me a letter in which she said she was sorry and wishes that one day we speak again.

 

Now I'm really in pain because I miss her so much, I now that our story ended because I was confused because of my internal struggles, and I acted like a jerk with her. Now she is gone for sure and I don't now what to do. I feel like I have lost the love of my life.

Edited December 15, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Am4Real]

I’m not sure what I can say about your EX GF, she seems to lay it out clearly to you of her issues providing she is being truthful. What does your gut tell you – is she telling you the truth of her reasons?

 

Let’s say she is, then perhaps giving her some time and space, more or less weeks, might help both of your emotions settle.

 

I can’t make out your timeline from your writing (and use of paragraphs helps us read your story posts, btw) but assume she left you in the last day or two.

 

Rather than go immediately silent on her, the opposite is true in the first 24-48 hours where communications can be beneficial. Perhaps communicate to her verbally you understand her point-of-view. Make no excuses and don’t go on explaining what conditions have you partially agree by explaining "this or that” to her. Simply tell her you understand her perspective, you are compassionate in thinking of her feelings and respect the effects all of this drama has caused.

 

Hopefully she agrees with you and accepts your well-intended thoughts.

 

With that underway, tell her you are working closely with your family to bring closure to the drama and issues and ask her if you might be in contact when all order is brought about.

 

If she loves you she should not have a problem knowing you addressed this major upset and you’re giving her space until it’s under control.

 

If she refuses, then I highly doubt this is all that is going on with her and no doubt her love interest for you is not what you think it is.

 

Keep us posted.

[Bow415]

Thanks.

Actually, we were only 5 months together, but she moved to my place after 2 months. She broke up 3 weeks ago, than one week later came back for one week, than last sunday told me it's over (but told me she loved me few hours earlier.

We didn't talk in person or by phone since. We had some texts messages in which she told me again it's over and that she will take her stuff a furnitures on friday, which she did.

She replied to my goodbye note that she is also sorry that it's over and thatshe thinks anyway that because of our strong caracters it couldn't work and she asked me to take care of me and my mother.

. She also told me that she is going to take a few more stuff on monday (tomorrow).

That's all I don't know if it's good if I'm in my flat when she comes tomorrow. And I don't know if I should call her or anything.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Bow415

[TaraMaiden]

No, don't be in the flat, and no, don't call her or communicate, ever again.

If it's over - and she's obviously adamant that it is - then it's over, finito, period, done and dusted.

 

She's now your ex.

You owe her nothing and the same goes for her.

 

That was then, this is now.

 

You're single, a free agent and at liberty to go out independently, without being obliged or obligated, to consider her in any way shape or form.

 

Sorry if this all sounds harsh, but it needs to sink in:

 

You're on your own, kid, and so is she.

By her request.

 

so: No Contact is the order of the day (see my signature).

I guarantee you, 110%, that if you fall off the radar and implement Full-scale No Contact immediately, she will be trying to contact you within a month.

 

But not for any emotional benefit of yours.

[anna121]

You sounded the death knell by pressuring her to live with you the second time. You were by your own admission a jerk about it.

 

You moved in together waaaay too early and you fought every day for a month. You kept things from her.

 

It's over. Take some time to deal with your issues before dating anyone seriously.

[Bow415]

Yes I know that I've made big mistakes. I was completely lost because of my issues. But I really want to prove her that I'm not the jerk I've been lately. I want to take responsability about it. I miss her so much.

[Bow415]

He everybody. So it's monday, and my ex is supposed to come to my flat to take her last stuff. I thought a lot about us, my mistakes and why it ended. I thought that it's not good to be here when she comes, but that I wanted to leave a short letter in which I say to her that I agree we the fact that she left because we couldn't fix these issues right now, that we both need time to heal and that I'm working on my issues with my mother to become again the guy she used to love. I also write that I hope with some time for her and me, we will find each other again, a start a new story build on new fondations wich will be good for both of us.

That's it. Do you have any thoughts about this. Is too much or not.

Thanks

[Haydn]

Dont leave a letter only leave silence.

[Bow415]

Yeah, I don't know about full silence. Then it seems that I don't care about the things she said and that I'm not trying to repaire anything. I just don't know.

[Bow415]

Hi XXXXX ,

 

Here is your suitcase as you asked for.

 

Hope you are fine and you enjoyed your trip with your mom. By the way how's your knee? (she had an accident...)

Everything is okay with me . My mother came out of the coma last week and with my brother we sent her to a clinic in Marseilles where they will help her. I'm reassured.

I'm thinking about the things you said to me and I'm working on understanding why I behaved like this with you, why I could not tell you what happened with me at the right moment and I'm working on to be the guy I am really, the guy you fell in love with back then .

 

I respect your decision and I know that now you had to go. But I do not want to get rid of you from my life, you are important to me, and from my part I live a door open, because maybe with time, we both let go the bad things and find each other again with a clean slate, in a way that is good for you without pressure and dramas.

I think of you.

 

Sebi

 

PS: I started to have cooking lessons because why not. Well, it's very funny. I think they never met a guy like me who is so clumsy in the kitchen.

 

X

 

 

 

What do you think ?

[Am4Real]

Right -- you should not care about things anymore.

 

The added posts with more details clearly indicate she is wishing to terminate the relationship with you and all this happened over three weeks ago. Okay got it now…so it’s over and there is sh#t to clean up from the co-habitation, namely her crap is in your place.

 

Reading the above paragraph what mistakes are you apologizing for -- having an ill Mother that needs your attention.

 

What mistakes (plural) are you talking about? Certainly there isn't an indication of a serious behavioral issue in your posts that illustrate a trail of significant relationship faux-pauxs.

 

You had a sick family member that caused strain on a new and immature relationship where two people who barely knew each other co-habituated after two months. Got it, so do millions of other people. So what? Come'on man, get it together!!!

 

She came back, not once but it looks like twice. She made it clear she wished to get together but not live together…you apparently pushed the subject of living together and it she backed off. Was that a mistake…nope, it’s want you really wanted and she didn’t. That’s called an [highlight]irreconcilable DIFFERENCE[/highlight].

 

Never apologize for what you really want…you may have been too dramatic and perhaps overbearing given the emotional duress you’re under with you Mother. However, your GF did not want what you want and it’s over.

 

Leave the flat, let her get her CRAP out and change the locks.

 

 

 

Yeah, I don't know about full silence. Then it seems that I don't care about the things she said and that I'm not trying to repaire anything. I just don't know.

[Am4Real]

Honestly....I mean do you want to know what I honestly think???

 

If I was coming over to get my stuff because we are GOING OUR SEPARATE WAYS and I found that note, I would think of you as pathetic. A guy that just doesn't get I’m no longer interested in him and is hoping to hold onto threads of emotions that frankly I’m not interested in participating with.

 

Don’t you want her to RESPECT you????

 

Of course you do!

 

She knows you have family issues and she knows about you…by telling her absolutely nothing, not being there, no note, nothing at all is clearly a sign of maturity and masculinity and she will RESPECT you for that.

 

Your choice now…

 

 

 

Hi XXXXX ,

 

Here is your suitcase as you asked for.

 

Hope you are fine and you enjoyed your trip with your mom. By the way how's your knee? (she had an accident...)

Everything is okay with me . My mother came out of the coma last week and with my brother we sent her to a clinic in Marseilles where they will help her. I'm reassured.

I'm thinking about the things you said to me and I'm working on understanding why I behaved like this with you, why I could not tell you what happened with me at the right moment and I'm working on to be the guy I am really, the guy you fell in love with back then .

 

I respect your decision and I know that now you had to go. But I do not want to get rid of you from my life, you are important to me, and from my part I live a door open, because maybe with time, we both let go the bad things and find each other again with a clean slate, in a way that is good for you without pressure and dramas.

I think of you.

 

Sebi

 

PS: I started to have cooking lessons because why not. Well, it's very funny. I think they never met a guy like me who is so clumsy in the kitchen.

 

X

 

 

 

What do you think ?

[TaraMaiden]

What do I think?

 

I think you're still in boyfriend-mode and you believe your actions have to put her first.

 

othing could be further from th truth.

Look - none of her actions 'out you first' - did they?

 

Time to put your big boy pants on, be selfish for once, and to think of you, put yourself first.

 

And yes - TOTAL FULL SILENCE absolutely, definitely inarguably IS the way to go.

 

Please, trust us. You think this is all new to us?

You think we've never had this happen before?

 

Sure. I know you're hurting, and that this is a first for you.

 

But believe me, behind our advice lies a world - and wealth - of experience.

 

Full silence, and complete NC.

[Bow415]

Hi everybody, first of all thanks for everything. Actually this is not a first for me, I had a few painfull break-up before. And this girl was the 4th I lived with. So I know the **** I'm in.

Anyway, I didn't left the note, and she didn't came to her stuff. Instead she wrote me and then we had a quite long chat.

She said she is verry sorry for what happened to us, and that she misses me. She also said that she recognises that it wasn't just our fault, and that she knows that because of her ****ty work problems and stress she couldn't recognise something is good in her life.

I've told her all the things I was thinking about the things I've could have done differently and that I'm also sorry. We both said that we need some time to arrange things in our head and to heal. I said to her that I respect her descision and I'm not pressuring her to come back, but that she is still important to me. She said right now she has no answers because she's so mest up that she can't say nothing really but that she is happy that we talk and that she will try to rearrange her stuff in her head to and will call me.

That's it for now, any reactions?

[Bow415]

So hello everybody,

here is some news. Finally, we speak to each other, again. Actually we speak everyday since monday. Things has a changed a little. She is really depressed because of her job, but its seems she wants to slowly comeback to me, but keeps, a big distance. We agreed to see each other on saturday and to go to a party together, we also talked about going on a trip together for a few days before christmas, she thinks it's a good idea, but thinks about it.

 

We were also talking of going back together she sees that i'm acting cool, but is quite afraid and told me, that all she wants is calme.

 

So what's next if we get back together ? I know she will be distant for a while, because of our history, and also because of her job problems which hurts her in unimaginable way.

 

Give me some advices.

 

Thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

This will end in tears, because this is a reunion controlled by hearts, not heads.

She is still of the same opinion, so you will find yourself pushed out again.

 

I strongly advise against any reconnection.

 

But you're going to justify it, and ignore my advice, so.... *shrug*

[hermitinator]

.

 

Give me some advices.

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

Nothing is going to change. You are going to make plans to change. You might even decide to write down what you need to change in your relationship, post it on a wall as a reminder to both of you. Because of human nature, you will go back to how you were. Nothing will change. You could not accept that she wanted to be in the relationship without living with you. You will still feel the same way and she will too. Thus, nothing will have changed.

 

 

I am adamant about this because I went through this with my two year relationship, which recently I had ended.

 

 

We had tried to confront the problems that we had and fix them. At first, we would initiate the change, but we would always go back to how things used to be.

 

 

If you decide to go back together, things will still be the same. You will have the same problems to deal with. Nothing will have changed.

 

 

Deja vu.

[Bow415]

So hello everybody,

so here is the news. We saw each other on thursday, and then again on saturtday. We decided to go back together again but to not live together for now. We spent the week end together, it was quite nice, with of course some more ackward moments, but we had nice sex and were both happy. She has some more distant moments, but I those moments go, because we are quite happy now. She left to her parents for the next few days for christmas and will see each other on friday.

So, now? How to behave in the future, how to make things work this time, and how to slowly put the pieces back together and move on the past bad things?

What do you think?

thanks.

[innocentbutterfly]

I hate to be the one here pointng out this, but I just had to. You talk all this about your ex, but you never thought how you made your previous EX that you cheated her with this new ex feel when you did this. Why not just end that relationship and then go with new one? I'm sorry, but I can't bear cheaters.

 

However in your story I would say you got what you asked for in a way. I'm sorry to say that, but you cheated, how did you expect you will hit a jackpot with a new girl when you already treated your old girl bad - KARMA my friend, it's real. I hope you recover from this and also learn your mistake and never cheat again. And learn to be less controlling, because that scared your new ex away. Good luck!

 

And dont think I wanted to attack you or something, the cheating part just irked me.

[Bow415]

So hi everybody,

 

I'm writing here because i've been dumped by my now ex-gf 4 weeks ago. We had a 6 month relationship with 4 magical month and 2 very ugly month full a fight.

 

The last month we fought a lot, a broke up, then she came back, then broke up again, then she came back again and finally she broke up for good on the january the 2nd (the day before she still said she loves me) I was devastated. We broke up because of a nasty fight, but meaningless fight.

 

After the break up i wrote her a few times. A few days after we met, just casually, we were not talking about the break up or anything, it was cool she was smiling, but nothing more, it was mature and cool.

 

After 3 weeks I finally wrote her a letter in which I said that I had time to think and that I'm sorry for the things that I've done, and the personnal reasons of my behavior. I was quite needy and not very patient by the end, because I had lots of family problems, and I know I shouldn't not put my pressure on her shoulders. I wasn't begging or anything just told her that I'm really sorry, and it will be cool if we could met up sometimes as friends. But if she didn't wanted I would understand.

 

She answered very harshly, that she is really upset at me, that it is over because it didn't worked out between us, that she doesn't want to be friend with me, that we will never get back together again, and that I'm sort of the worst person on earth.

 

I replied that I understand her, that I respect her decision.

 

I went NC after that for something like a week or so, and yesterday I saw that she deleted me from skype and blocked me on FB out of the bloom. Why is that? I can underdtand that she is upset, even if she is the dumper, but I don't understant that hatred.

 

Actually I know I wasn't the best boyfriend, but except the fights I treated her well, I was always with her when bad things happened to her. I understand she is not in love in me anymore or something, but that hatred is for me unbelievable. I wasn't really bombing her with texts or wathever, maybe a little bit a the begining but I stopped, and she told me a lot of times during the relationship and the first break ups that this relationship was important to her. So why so much hatred right now? Why does she want me out of her memory, and why now, 1 month after the BU?

Edited February 4, 2014 by Bow415

[iouaname]

Sometimes after a breakup, emotions are at an all-time high. Feelings are amplified and not necessarily an accurate representation of how people feel.

 

You need to take space and to give her space. This isn't about hate, it's about taking care of your emotional needs and protecting yourself. The anxiety that follows the breakup is the worst because it brings on the impatience, the crying, the pleading, etc. Do yourself a favor and avoid her at all costs. Her blocking you or deleting you is her doing this for herself and probably has very little to do with you as a person.

 

I doubt that she actually believes that you're the 'worst person in the world.' Without knowing the details, it seems like she's probably just hurt and angry and those feelings have been amplified because of the breakup. These feelings fade with time and with space, so give yourself both of those.

[radiodarcy]

Anger is one of many emotions that people go through after a break up; whether they're the dumper or dumpee.

 

It is also completely normal - - not to mention healthy to remove an ex from skype, fb, twitter, as well as any other social media account as it won't do you any good to know what your ex is up to. I strongly suggest you do the same and remove/block your ex from any social media accounts you may have her on.

 

Whatever her reasons for hating/being angry with you, they're not your concern. I know it seems like they are. But they are her feelings and not yours. *Your* feelings are what matter now. Focus on you and what you're feeling.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is stick to NC; which means no more texts, emails or looking her up on social media.

[Bow415]

I know NC is the best way to go now, but is there anything I could do to soften her heart. I know she answered harshly to my letter, and now she's upset the hell out of me, but is there nothing I could do, maybe later, just for her not to hate me as much. I still have feelings for her, and even if she said in her angry answer never again, I still believe we have unfinished business together. She is the stubborn type, who cannot forgive easily, but my guess is that if one month after dumping me she is still so upset, maybe she has still feelings and didn't moved on really yet.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

She's trying to cope with the break up. You have got to go NC and give her space for any chance of a future friendship. Eventually, the anger will dissipate and if the relationship was genuine and good memories linger, she will reach out to you. Until then, absolutely NO CONTACT!

[TaraMaiden]

I know NC is the best way to go now,

 

NC is the best way to go, FOR GOOD!!

 

IT's over, finished there is no more, it's ended, done, you are dumped!! OKAY??

 

but is there anything I could do to soften her heart.

 

NO!!

 

Why the hell are you not getting this? She doesn't want you around any more! This is completely done with, history, finished!! leave her alone!

 

I know she answered harshly to my letter, and now she's upset the hell out of me, but is there nothing I could do, maybe later, just for her not to hate me as much.

One thing's for sure - you persist and insist on continuing with contacting her, even in the future, and she will take that hatred, and triple it!

 

I still have feelings for her, and even if she said in her angry answer never again, I still believe we have unfinished business together. She is the stubborn type,

She's not the only one!

WHY CAN YOU PLEASE NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER?!

She is walking away from this one, and telling you in very clear terms to finish and quit!

 

WE get that!

 

Why don't you??

 

who cannot forgive easily, but my guess is that if one month after dumping me she is still so upset, maybe she has still feelings and didn't moved on really yet.

This is just desperate, needy clingy and frankly maddening wishful thinking on your part.

Please leave her alone! She wants to move on, but you won't let her!

 

I told you all this in december, but would you listen? The hell you would...!

Now we have been proved right.

And - guess what?

Surprise surprise - you're STILL not listening!