Girlfriend of 7 months just dumped me

[geejay]

Ok so here's the situation...

 

Met a girl online...we went on a first date, bought some nice wine and got really drunk in the park in the sun.

 

I woke up the next day with a killer hangover but she’d made a good impression on me. She was fun, flirty, very sexy, good looking, funny etc..and very feisty which I'm not used to. She ticked a lot of boxes but looked kind of sexy (leather jacket, dyed red hair etc..).

The next day she sent me an email saying she enjoyed the date but she got the impression I was looking for something serious when she was 'working on herself' and not looking for a relationship right now.

I was bummed because I really liked her but thought she could be an ideal **** buddy so said I wasn't looking for anything serious and was looking for something casual.

 

She then emails me back and says ok well let's arrange another date.

 

So we date a few more times and get to know each other - don't sleep together until the 4th date and she practically jumped on me in my flat. We then start seeing each other every weekend and have amazing, wild, kinky, sex sessions but at the same time realise that we are very compatible and have a lot in common.

 

The main ones being - same sense of humour, interests, she used to live on my street (and we met ONLINE!!), her brother lives around the corner, she knows two of my friends, grew up in the town I went to University, her dad has a house on the coast a few roads away from my parents, we both want to buy a house in the same area when we can afford to..really freaky, random things in common. Then after maybe 3 months of ****ing and just getting on better and better we decide to make things 'official'...we go down to her Dad's house on the coast for a dirty weekend, she meets my family, I start meeting a few of her friends, I meet her brother and his new wife, we go for romantic meals, the sex gets more romantic (but dirtier at the same time) - doing it on average 4-5 times we see each other etc..

 

Then one night she wakes up and says out of the blue that 'she can't have a relationship' and decides to break up with me at 2am. I tell her to calm down then she apologises and we go back to bed - everything is fine the next day and she says she does want to be with me but was freaking out. I started to notice that many times when I stay over, she rarely goes to sleep.

 

Then after about 4 months she tells me that she's been seeing a therapist for a year and half and suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. I tell her that isn't a problem and it doesn't change my feelings towards her. If anything I found it more endearing if a little worrying as she clearly had issues I was just discovering although she wasn't telling me everything yet.

 

By this time, I've found out there her Dad had several affairs with her mum as a child and her mother was even worse - her family are all broken and she hates her step-mum and is worried about her dad's drinking. She does however get on very well with her brother. She also told me that she's never had a boyfriend (she's 31 and I'm 34) but did see someone on and off for 2 years although he was more of a friend from university. She also told me that over the past 2 years before me she'd had a threesome with 2 guys which she enjoyed and had a 3 month fling with a guy into sado-masichism which she wanted to try but apparently hated it after a while.

 

Our sex life got kinkier but we maintained decency and respect and after about 6 months I told her I loved her and she also told me she thought she loved me too.

We never argued and she seemed like the perfect girl for me. Laughs, good fun, great sex, kindness, caring, things in common etc...

 

BUT she told me she wasn't sure if she could ever marry, didn't want kids (even though she was great with kids and all of her friends were having them and asking her to babysit which she loved) and she'd won a scholarship to go and study at the R/CA in London which is one of the top design schools in the world. She's clearly very talented. She was excited and we agreed that despite the work, we would stay together but take it slow so she could focus on her studies. This worried me a bit because I was falling in love with the girl and would want kids or get engaged in two years if it kept going the way it did by which time she will be finishing her course so the timing could be perfect but I'd have to stick it out and be patient. This is something I would be prepared to do and told her that. We discussed commitment and she called me a 'wonderful boyfriend' etc..but often talked down to me which I brushed off and assumed it was part of her sense of humour.

 

Then recently we arranged to go to Berlin for the weekend and she was going to come on tour with my band around Europe for a week but never ended up booking it, her coming up with excuses and saying she should just focus on her course which was getting more and more demanding - going in to college from 8am to 9pm. I started seeing her once a week for 2 months for only sex and a quick chat and cuddle but we only texted and never spoke on the phone. Then we went out last weekend after I got back from tour and she was really cold with me - I could sense something was really bugging her. She told me she had been to a 'family gathering' in the day but she seemed worried or uptight about something. We had a great night out but I went home that night feeling weird as there was a strange energy coming from her so texted her asking if she was ok. I knew she wanted to break-up with me. I could sense it in my bones.

 

She then said she wanted to talk to me so she came over on the Monday night after seeing her therapist and started crying in my flat saying: 'I'm not the girl for you, I have to focus on my course, we aren't compatible enough, you need to find someone who wants kids because I’m not sure I do and I could carry it on for a year but can't do it to you because I adore you too much and you’re a great guy' etc...

 

I kind of expected it but was cool and calm and asked her why she felt like this. she kept saying 'I don't know.' Then we kissed, had a huge hug and she said she had to go.

I've been left upset and really want her back but realise I can't push it. The girl confuses the hell out of me. Should I never call her again, be mates or get her back? If the latter, should I go no-contact or arrange to meet with her again for a proper chat? I'm 35, love the girl and pretty sure she loves me but is confused.

Or is this a case of me trying to 'wifey up the town bike' and I should leave her the hell alone?

 

Looking for a female perspective. Is she nuts, confused, seeing someone new or just not into me anymore?

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I dont think u should give up on her sounds like there may be more issues that u dont know of... but the minute she starts abusing your relationship u walk x just let her know u are there for her but that u respect her choice and will move on ... put the ball in her court x

[Am4Real]

Whether a responder to your thread is a male or female is not going to make a bean of difference, we’re all on the sidelines, we don’t know this person and we only have your words to go by.

 

Reading your words you spell it out clearly that she was working on herself and [highlight]DID NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP[/highlight]; she states that based on her impressions of the first date, she thought you were looking for something serious.

 

No matter how many words and paragraphs you write explaining what developed, read the above paragraph over and over and over until it sinks in. She told you right from the start where she was in NOT wanting a relationship – she plainly didn’t want to get serious. She told you right from the start she was working on herself; I think we all know that means someone realizes they have self-improvement issues.

 

I get it, you only wanted a SEX friend at first and all the SEX had you both develop feelings for each other. It’s a familiar story and you can justify it as mutual if you like, however deep down I think you went into this hoping something more might endure. Regardless, it happened and you completely overlooked what she told you when you first met as outlined in the second paragraph of this thread.

 

At this point you’re attempting to trump your wishes and desires over hers. It’s futile in the end as you’ve come to find out and hopefully learn from.

 

Take a step back, rethink that first date and her words as this is what you are seeing now in her, you are seeing her issues come to view, the same things she warned you about on the very first date.

 

And no, I doubt she is nuts, she understands her limitations and is working on them with a professional. You need to respect that and let her be, let her continue to work on those issues and perhaps in good time she will find herself.

 

For your peace of mind you didn’t intentionally do anything wrong and I’m sorry you’re tormented. Like my signature sign, sometimes when you meet a person or a person leaves you, the HEAD must rule over the HEART. It’s time for your head to prevail.

[organizedchaos]

I dont think how unique the relationship or breakup seems matters in what you do next. If I've learned anything it's that when someone decides they don't want to be with you anymore, the only thing a dumpee can and should do is vanish from the dumpers life. Give them what they want. Let them see what life is like with you gone. Only then can they realize if they made a mistake and the dumpee can realize if this person is really worth it.

[barky2]

Unfortunately you might not want to hear this but I'm going to say it with the upmost respect.

 

You were a fling

 

You were a quickie when needed

 

You caught feelings and fell for the girl

 

When she blatantly told you she wanted fwb

 

Sure she may have some feelings for you, but not genuine like yours are.

 

She seems kinky, I know some girls like this.

 

This girl has ALOT to get out of her system before settling down the slightest.

 

The thing is, you could possibly have a relationship with her

 

But

 

I guarantee you, she'll end up cheating on you.

 

I think you dodged a bullet here.

 

 

 

Just my two Pennies

 

 

 

Barky

[geejay]

So a week after she dumps me, I send her an email saying that I enjoyed my time with her but respect her decision to end it...if she wants to see me she know where I am etc..and we can be friends. Then she calls me and leaves a message on my answerphone saying she wants to meet me for coffee after she gets her hair done. I don't call her back but she texts me within an hour saying she's...and I quote..

 

'really **** at emailing and thought it would be better to maybe meet. I think it would be nicer to see one another and chat and I could also give you your birthday card. I don't want us not being friends. I can wait around until you finish work.'

 

Should I meet her? I'd like to stay friends with benefits and maybe I might get some great make-up sex but am not sure she will want it and can't take any further rejection from her or drama. Should I just meet her and be all happy, play it cool, keep it short then say I have to go? I'm a bit worried

[barky2]

How about put your hand on a open flame

 

It'll hurt less than meeting her.

 

At most you'll be a quicky, and be sent on your way.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Am4Real]

Being as this is your first and second post here on LS, I call PRANK on your postings!