After 4yrs where do I go from here?

[livingnightmare]

Well me and my childs mother split under extremely brutal circumstances 4 years ago, after a 6 years being together, my child is 7 yrs old now.

 

Well id been cheated on in that relationship, emotionaly abused in it had my daughter used as a weapon ie: if i had a genuine problem and tried to communicate I would get the I will make another man raise your child, in your face ghetto style rage, being told to go **** dead members of my family etc kicked out over the smallest of reasons over and over, to many things to mention without writing an essay.

 

This was very difficult to deal with and unknowingly was chipping away at me in every way, over a period of time along with emotional neglect I started to argue back, the unwillingness to just talk without extreme over the top anger directed towards me grew in me, I was being kicked out and called back like a yoyo resentment, confusion an extreme mix of feelings was in me, I started fighting fire with fire (of course in hindsight I should have left for the sake of my daughter, but I really thought something would change.) This fire on fire policy was me acting out of frustration that someone could treat me this way.

 

Anyway 3 years in and a child I find out I was cheated on at the very beginning, was told different versions of what happened over a 7 day period, this left me really confused, this caused arguments between us, her response was to kick me out and go out clubbing with her friends. Out of the despair of that week I turned to alcohol, I just wanted her to be honest with me, but when told lie after lie over something so serious it deeply effected me, along with the thoughts of why she had been treating me like an enemy. Did I know her? I ended up breaking my heels and ankles which then effected my ability to work (im a builder).

 

That was a hard time being bed ridden no one to talk to and a partner who would simply walk out the room in a rage if I tried to talk about it. All this time I couldn't see the abuses being dealt out at me and didn't realize how depressed I had become. Her rages were still happening and getting worse it was hell, after being cheated on and not given much support I would still get my daughter used as a weapon, i was even told I cant be bothered to work though I had casts on both legs for over 6 months and needed a wheel chair.

 

We worked through it with difficulty as I had to deal with it alone, it was very emotionally draining, the arguments were getting worse, I had really well and truly started using the same methods of arguing which just made it worse and of course having so many unfair things said to me for the smallest of reasons, I would use the cheating as a weapon, i did not want to do this, just couldn't understand that this person had done all this and wouldn't show any meaningful remorse, if they did it was when they were lying about events at the same time, its pretty hard to forgive under those circumstances.

 

Slowly got my self back into work landed a full time job, then bam, things were not right i could sence it, the dressing up more, always with her single friends, no dinner after work, caught her texting other guys who she was asking for advice on the relationship who only wanted to sleep with her, arguements were getting worse over this, she was making out things were in my head, wasnt allowed to have feelings over it and told my sad behaviour (as i was diagnosed with major deppresion at this point) was making her want to leave me more. then i get a letter on how much she loves me, then the day after she hates me, I couldn't believe after all this she would do this. It ended up with her leaving me taking my daughter with her and for god knows what reason, phoning me and telling me she pulled some stranger in a club and told me the details of what went on all weekend and compared me to him wtf??

 

Anyway I thought I had got over her then a few weeks ago I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks at random times when there is not a worry in my head, now out the blue it has turned to depression again and a strong sense of needing to know why she had to tell me about this guy? Why she didn't realise this would only make more animosity which we don't need as we have a child together.

 

Like a fool I txt her for an answer, I got the reply: you need to be honest to, you haven't told me the truth about my sister my friend and some other girl and that she will never know the extent of my cheating and i will never admit it..... I was gob smacked, there is absolutely no reason for her to thinks this as it is completely untrue, the txt finishes with I was emotionally abusive and I just wanted her to stay because i wanted to abuse her........ To hear this has sickened me, I never even swore at this woman until months of being abused and neglected, I'm so angry I feel vilified as this must be what she is telling her family and friends about me to cover up everything she done.

 

This has really prevented me from finding any forgiveness in my heart again though I have tried hard for the sake of my daughter, I don't let my daughter see any more animosity as I have more control over my actions now, no matter how much im provoked, I just want to be able to forgive and not have any burden over it I know this will be a positive step for my daughter.

 

How do I find it in me to forgive when the person is lying to me possibly there family and friends and them self over the events its very hard to take in after all the unnecessary hurt caused for what reason I still do not know? I have admitted all my wrongs, I made the first step to be honest in the rolls I played, but why cant she? Why cant she see that this does effect our daughter? Wouldn't it be nice if we could take her out together without having to hold back or pretend everything is rosy? I know my daughter would see straight through any acting and I don't want her to see that. Where do I go from here? How do I forgive? Why are flash backs going through my head like the days these things happend? Sorry for the long post, needed to get this of my chest need advice on moving forward and leaving all emotions behind me.

 

Dont get me wrong I'm over her, I wouldnt want her back but I feel a deep sence of injustice that even an apology is hard. I think I only heard 2 apologies in that whole relationship. 1 of them was with a box of chocolates.... that she ate lol

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

PS I made my user name when I felt like that, wish I could change it lol

[livingnightmare]

Coming back and reading this a few hours later, I feel like an idiot for the self pitty I displayed, I think I went through some sort of flash back well my CBT starts the end of january I probably have some sort of ptsd which then brings bouts of anxiety and depression, and I have decided to quit smoking tonight, and hit the gym ( I had done b4 for 7 months but seriously lost the path)

 

Any way I'm going to make more of an effort myself and force my self to think positive.

 

Would still like to hear from people who feel betrayed, or had intentional pain inflicted on them from someone they have a child with, how they truly moved on leaving the animosity behind, I don't want to be pretending in front of my daughter when we have to meet up, I really want to have no baggage emotions as I know this could only be a positive thing for my daughter and for myself. But how do you forgive when the person is not sorry? When the person is accusing you of the very same things they done? I fear she will carry this into another relationship and my daughter will see something similar happen and think this is normal. I will be doing my best to be a strong role model to prevent this happening... hence why I really need to forgive and forget.

[Mcnulty]

Curl her up in your head as a football and boot the football as hard as you can, away from you, into a stinking cesspit..you are in the game still...you have the skill and knowledge to progress, she hasn't, as you've booted her memory.

 

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Edited December 15, 2013 by Mcnulty

[livingnightmare]

I'm really trying, tonight I just feel like **** though. I went from not thinking a thing for a long long time now I just feel full on depressed.

 

I need to make very big changes to my life asap, I have not dated anyone, had no physical contact, all though I work its on and off I just cant get the building work in how I use to. I have moved back to my parents. Really low time for me at the moment. I went from up and coming to worse than when I met her.

 

I keep feeling guilty, then I realise how much I was pushed, it goes round and round my head, 1 minute I'm fine then a physical and emotional feeling just rips through me.

 

I cant believe I've started feeling like this again after so much time. Feeling so many emotions all in one, so raw. Its like I need to go somewhere see someone, escape, do something, but I don't know what. No one to talk to either. Not in a good place right now.

 

Feel like I'm going to break down and cry, something I haven't done unless drunk stupid.