Chico333 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Ok so I met this guy about 3.5 months ago while I was out with friends. We hit it off and I gave him my number. We went on a date and things started out good. I made it clear to him that I was not looking for anything serious and he was ok about it. After a month of hanging out more and more, he made it clear to me how much he liked me and I responded and told him I felt the same way, but that I still wanted to take things slow. He would txt me everyday and want to see me almost everyday and it became a little overwhelming for me and a couple times I had to tell him to back down a little even though I really liked him. Anyway he got to telling me that he loved me and I told him I felt that I was falling for him too. Anyway one thing lead to another and he asked me to be exclusive while he was pretty drunk. I told him I thought we should talk about it later and he got a little upset about it. Anyway nothing came about from that and a couple months down the line my feelings became stronger and I made it clear to him how I was feeling. (I forgot to mention that we are both in our mid-late twenties and he is going away for his rotations of medical school in 1 month, and is 5 hours away from where I live). I told him my feelings have gotten pretty strong for him and he responded by telling me that he was happy to know that but to keep in mind that he is leaving soon and he does not know where things are going to go from here. This was not the response I was expecting and I became a bit defensive, questioning his intentions at the beginning of out relationship and why he is all of a sudden acting so cautious if I was the one at the beginning who made it clear to him that we needed to ease into it rather than dive in like he was doing. Ever since then, the tables have turned and I have turned into this needy mess. I've had 3 "freak outs" with him about where this is going and how i felt he mislead me to believe his feelings for me were stronger than they really are. Each time he has been patient with my moods and told me that everything is fine and that his feelings for me have not changed and that he just doesn't know if I will be able to handle something long distance with a medical student. During one of my little vent sessions, I asked him why he acted so much more into the relationship at the beginning than he is now. I said, "basically what you are saying is that you didn't think about it at first (him eventually leaving and how it could affect me if I ended up falling hard for him) and now you are?" and he said, "yes." He said that he apologizes for being careless in that matter and he also said he doesn't know how he is acting any different and asked what he should do differently then. Ummmm ok....? It's so obvious that he is acting differently and why the heck did he ask me to be his G/F and then all of sudden change his mind when things started feeling more serious and would be the RIGHT time to make it official. Ugh it just doesn't make any SENSE! He said that he is committed to us staying in contact, him/I visiting if possible, etc. while he is away, but that he wants to wait and see what happens by the end of a full rotation. I will also be in the middle of graduate school with heavy course work at this time so I will also be busy. I have met much of his family, who loves me, his friends all know about me, etc. etc. He said if he wasn't leaving things would be different. The thing that upset me and has made me insecure is the fact that he was being the "needy" one at the beginning and pouring his heart out to me and as soon as I reciprocated those feelings and the time is ticking down to him leaving, he put things on slow motion. He still talks to me everyday, whether it just be through text or a phone call and we see each other a couple times a week, but it's just not the way he was acting at the beginning and like I said earlier, turned me into a needy mess. I feel so vulnerable now and I hate it. He said to ride it out with him and see where it goes. Now that he reeled me in, it's easier said than done. SO ANNOYING.
Author Chico333 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 So what I'm asking is what anyones thoughts are on this situation.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You sound very unhappy with the current energy in your relationship. That's when I always know I need to bring my focus back to myself, my own life and goals that will be there with or without this man in my life. It sounds as though he is feeling uncertain, which is normal - and responsible, given the circumstances. It's uncertain how this move will affect your relationship. You do not have to stay with a guy who's moving far away, if that doesn't work for you. Or you can stay with him and see how it goes if you like. I take comfort in the thought that if a love is true, it will weather any trouble. If not, best to move on, anyway. In either case, you need to take care of yourself first right now. Since he's not projecting confidence about your chances of sticking together and reassuring you to that end, you need to make sure you'll be OK come what may. And you pulling back on the analysis and questioning of the future may alleviate pressure and give him more space and time to consider what he really wants to do. If he wants this to work with you, he'll come up with a good, workable plan that is sensible and reassuring. If he's not determined, that will show in his efforts (or lack of them). Good luck! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Tough situation. He was very interested in you, but you didn't reciprocate in the way he'd have liked. That was completely reasonable (on your part, I mean) but it may have put a damper on his feelings too. I think he's also looking at the situation realistically and trying to decide whether he'll have time to commit to a relationship once he's moved away. It's painful, yes. But it's also the best thing he could've told you, given his current feelings. Pull back a little and focus on yourself. Try to determine how much of this is genuine disappointment vs. a blow to the ego. I don't mean that in an insulting way, but ask yourself what's motivating these "freak-outs" you say you've had. By the way, what did these freak-outs consist of?
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