Fredflintstone Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 This is just a thought I've had. My wife had an affair, I was devastated, she was extremely remorseful, I moved out, she was devastated, came back after a short separation. My feelings are all over the place at the minute so I'm not taking this seriously, just abit shocked at myself for thinking it. I do love her, I think, but my feelings change quite abit so sometimes I'm not sure. Should, now I've come back feel obligated to stay or, as I've just been thinking, leave with no guilt when I feel ready. I have children so staying will be good for them but when I sometimes think of the future I'm not necessarily sure I want to or will be here with my wife and so I think to myself that there's nothing stopping me from going whenever I want. I think maybe having commitment issues but I feel more relaxed when I think this way when I have this train of thought. Would it be unfair to her if this is what happened, would I be leading her on?
anne1707 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Fred As a fWS who has reconciled with her husband, I can tell you that the first few months especially after dday are a total mess for all involved. For you, the person you believed in most has pulled the rug out from underneath your feet and you still have not managed to get your balance again. I think you need to be honest with your wife (after all, it is lies that got your marriage where it is and that has to change if this is going to work for you both). You don't have to make any decisions yet beyond today. In time, it might be for this week, then the month and so on. It was a good six months before my husband and I started making plans for the future and that was fine. Don't pressure yourself into doing or feeling something that you are not ready for. That is the right thing to do for you and also for your wife. It will also mean that if you do start doing and feeling those things in the future, your wife will appreciate that far more and see it as genuine and not panic or wanting to do the "right thing" for the sake of the children. 5
painfullyobvious Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You would not be the first family to stick it out for the kids and divorce after the kids are grown up and independent. I agree with the above poster that you are in the very early stages of discovery and do not make any major decisions about your relationship until you feel it is necessary and have a clear head. I was like you and wanted make decisions immediately on whether I should stay or go very soon after D-Day. It is a knee jerk reaction because you feel angry, embarrassed and there are a lot of strong emotions regarding an affair. Be honest with your wife about what you are thinking. Let her know that the damage she has caused has made you think about a lot of things. AT this point you need to focus on yourself and not worry about leading her on after what happened. I am not suggesting not to care at all but your thoughts are not unusual. Many people reconcile and years later the WS thinks all is great and reconciled and the BS realizes it was just too much. This is okay as well. The BS tried to reconcile and it just didn't happen. I don't consider that leading the WS on. It is more like realizing that the fallout of the affair was more traumatic than a BS realized. My advice. Do nothing right now, make no promises, no major decisions and see where you are after half a year. Good luck
oldshirt Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I agree with Painfull', this could take multiple months or even a year or so before you truly decide if you can remain in the marriage or not. There are a million variables here and sometimes the damage has already been done and is just too great. You are under no obligation to make any kind of quick decision on whether to stay or not and in fact it would be very irresponsible to try to do so. She may be remorseful and she may be talking about wanting to reconcile with tears in her eyes but she caused this damage and needs to understand that even if you do try to reconcile with all your might, you may not be successful. That is the risk she took when she choose to take her clothes off and spread her legs for another man. You are within your right to walk. You are within your right to try to make it work. You are within your right to try to make it work but realize days, weeks, months even years down the road it isn't working and to walk then. It's important to factor in the kid's wellbeing when trying to decide whether to remain in the marriage or not but realize kids are harmed when one or more parents are abusive, addicted, adulterous or abandons them. When both parents are loving,active, supportive parents and are involved in the kid's lives and are dedicated parents, the kids do fine, even if the parents are in two separate households. You harm kids by abusing them, abandoning them, not loving and not supporting them and by being a lazy drunk/addicted bum. You do not harm them simply because you dissolved the marriage to their mother who cheated on you and for whom you no longer love or respect.
bubbaganoosh Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 This is just a thought I've had. My wife had an affair, I was devastated, she was extremely remorseful, I moved out, she was devastated, came back after a short separation. My feelings are all over the place at the minute so I'm not taking this seriously, just abit shocked at myself for thinking it. I do love her, I think, but my feelings change quite abit so sometimes I'm not sure. Should, now I've come back feel obligated to stay or, as I've just been thinking, leave with no guilt when I feel ready. I have children so staying will be good for them but when I sometimes think of the future I'm not necessarily sure I want to or will be here with my wife and so I think to myself that there's nothing stopping me from going whenever I want. I think maybe having commitment issues but I feel more relaxed when I think this way when I have this train of thought. Would it be unfair to her if this is what happened, would I be leading her on? She's the one with commitment issues not you. She cheated. Not you. No doubt your mind is going in every direction but since you came back has she shown any kind of remorse? Is she trying to show you that she wants the marriage to work? I know your thinking of the kids and the hardship of seeing their parents split but, I think it's worse for the kids if their living in a house that's full of tension and fighting. Even if they don't hear or see it they can sense the tension and uneasiness and to me that's worse because the kids are now walking on eggs and that isn't fair at all. All in all if your not happy, then file for divorce and as long as your kids know that you love them and will be there for them, they will be fine.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Should, now I've come back feel obligated to stay or, as I've just been thinking, leave with no guilt when I feel ready. I have children so staying will be good for them but when I sometimes think of the future I'm not necessarily sure I want to or will be here with my wife and so I think to myself that there's nothing stopping me from going whenever I want. I think maybe having commitment issues but I feel more relaxed when I think this way when I have this train of thought. Would it be unfair to her if this is what happened, would I be leading her on? You both could stay, or either one of you could leave at any time, it always has been that way, and it always will be that way. Those options always are available to both of you. Whether you feel obligated to stay or whether you feel guilt about leaving comes from within. If it makes it easier to deal with when you go through the "bad times," then feel free to think to yourself, "if it gets to be too much to bear, I could always leave." You have been fairly economical with the words in your other threads, but it seems like you checked out and were a bit of a computer terd for a few years, you initially didn't blame your wife for the affair, forgave her immediately, she said all she ever wanted was to feel loved by you, she seemed very remorseful, and you seemed to agree with this in your earlier posts, then you found out she took your 11-year-old to sleep in the other man's house and this set you off a bit. You also posted about having a lot of arguments with her, her throwing you out of the house in the middle of the night a bunch of times, and her damaging a lot of your stuff, so it's kind or hard to tell where you're at now and where she's at now - apparently still riding the rollercoaster. It does not seem to be an issue of trust or belief in your wife's commitment, but just rather your being able to get over the betrayal. Are you better off with her or without her? Why do you want to leave, and why do you want to stay? By leaving her when she wants you, you could hurt her like she hurt you, maybe that is what you are feeling, but then again maybe you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Just stay and ride it out for now, over time your equilibrium will come back, and you'll arrive at how you really feel. You will begin to feel one way or the other - stay or go - most of the time.
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