TheUnthoughtKnown Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Haven't been on here in a while. I've missed it. Something happened to me last night that's got me a little confused. I had a strange dream... I met my dad, and he was holding a baby. We travelled to a sea side town which flooded and we had to escape. I then said to him, 'I think its time you told me what you're doing with a baby.' He responded, 'he's your son.' And I could not believe it. I asked him who the mother was, he told me I already knew. And I did. I looked at the child and, somehow, I saw a perfect mix of myself and my ex, in only the way a dream can show you. I felt incredibly proud, glad, and relieved. Relieved because I thought 'finally! An unbreakable link between she and I. A human who is part of us both. A representation of what we meant to each other.' I woke up disappointed because I knew it wasn't real, and furious with myself that I should have such a dream. I'm closing in on 4 years broken up. Not far from that is 4 years NC. Unbroken. The night of this dream, I was actually out with my dad drinking. My dad was the one who introduced me to my ex, as she's the daughter of one of his best friends. I guess when I was drinking with him I considered the possibility of him calling her dad and inviting him out (as he often does). Possibly that triggered my dream. My dream that I enjoyed, much to my anger. We never fully get over someone, do we? We just learn how to deal with it. I've contemplated breaking NC to see how much I've changed in 4 years. To measure myself against her expectations of me. I'd like to think she'd find a much stronger man than the one who begged her not to leave him. Can we be friends? No. I shouldn't think so. But if I had that one great reason for breaking NC I would. I've seen her in town a few times. She's grow her hair out and dyed. She wears new clothes. Saw her with a fella in a restaurant one night that I was (thankfully) just leaving. All of this is indicative of the life she lives without me. Do I break NC? It's been 4 years almost, after all. If not now, when? And what does that dream mean, if anything? I'm romanticising her again. Something I trained myself not to do 2 years ago. I guess this is a relapse. Which makes her a drug. Which is appropriate as she feels so good despite being so bad for me. Some days, all I want to do is indulge in her again. Does it ever go away entirely?
Sandy99 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I totally disagree. I think we do in fact get over people completely in time. I have dated some people in my past who today I have absolutely no feelings for at all now. It just takes a while, but you should completely get over the person in time. It might not take four years, maybe it will take eight, but just know one day you will feel nothing for that person or maybe you will feel sentimental feelings, and remember good past memories, but it will be nothing compared to what you are feeling now. It will just feel like part of your past.
Trimmer Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Do I break NC? It's been 4 years almost, after all. If not now, when? And what does that dream mean, if anything? Not now, not ever. What would be the point? Please don't think of her as your yardstick for measuring yourself ( = your self) and your life as you move forward. That's living in the past. If you want to see how far you've come, or you want to set some goals so that in the future you can measure yourself, then great, but do it under your own power, and don't use her as your anchor or a reference point. Does it ever go away entirely? I don't think that's as simple a question - nor does it have as simple an answer - as it seems. I think everyone is different. For me, I agree with Sandy that eventually, I found that I really didn't have feelings for my ex. But at the same time, the thing that we were together will always, inescapably, be a part of me (in no small part because we have kids together.) So I think you can (and should) look forward, as Sandy says, to reaching a point where she doesn't feel like an addiction any more, but there's no standard answer for exactly what that feels like or how long it takes.
Author TheUnthoughtKnown Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 So I think you can (and should) look forward, as Sandy says, to reaching a point where she doesn't feel like an addiction any more, but there's no standard answer for exactly what that feels like or how long it takes. I guess at the start I thought it would literally be a matter of time. As though one day I'd wake up and she wouldn't mean anything to me any more. And largely, that's been the case. I don't think about her quite as much as I used to. Except on the odd occasion where I see her in town or I happen to be in a place that holds specific memories for me regarding her. What I know I do frequently, and by that I mean every week, if not every day, is imagine how far I've come since those days. I use the summer of 2010 as a watermark in my life for where everything changed for me. And so whenever I do anything in my life, I consider how 2010 me would act, or react. How pre-breakup me would have acted or reacted. Its almost like some kind of psychosis now, embedded in me from nearly 4 years of rumination on the subject. I seem to compare my life then to my life now. It's crazy, I know, but it started out as a defence mechanism, a way to accept what had happened. As I started thinking of her less, subconsciously (or almost subconsciously) I carried on with my comparisons of my life post and pre-breakup. So I suppose there's always some vestige of her in my mind that manifests itself when I reflect upon my own personal growth in the last 4 years... You're saying to me that it'll just stop eventually? I don't need to do anything but wait it out?
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