How not to obsess?

[FanJieLi]

I've been lurking around here reading people's stories for a while, but this is my first time starting a thread. People here seem to give good advice and I'm glad to have found this forum.

 

I'm a 28 year-old woman, currently single. For a long time, I've been struggling with a tendency I have to fall for people very quickly and to become obsessive. As soon as I meet someone I'm attracted to who also shows an interest in me, I begin thinking and fantasizing about that person constantly, to the point that I sometimes find it difficult to concentrate on work and other necessities. "Falling in love" is honestly a scary thing to me because I can't seem to control my emotions. They take me over to the point that I lose sight of myself and my life outside the person I like. I become way too emotionally invested and attached way too quickly. I find myself constantly wanting to talk to the person and to express my feelings to them. It makes me feel completely out of control.

 

Obviously I recognize that this is unhealthy, and past failed relationships have taught me that it can be destructive. But I still find it extremely difficult to keep this old pattern from repeating itself. Recently I signed up for an online dating site and began going on dates with lots of different guys, thinking maybe I could cure myself of this problem if I tried meeting lots of people and doing the "casual dating" thing with the deliberate intention of not taking it seriously, rather than jumping right into a relationship like I'd always done in the past. But things haven't exactly worked out like I thought they would. I ended up not going beyond a first date with most of the guys I met because I just didn't click that well with most of them... except for one.

 

I met one guy who I clicked with very well and was attracted to right away. He showed obvious interest in me as well, and we have now been on three dates. Judging from our conversations so far, we seem to have a lot of similar interests and values, and we have both enjoyed hanging out with each other. On the third date there was some pretty heavy making out going on... So obviously we are attracted to each other. And of course, now I can't stop thinking about him.

 

Logically speaking, I'm aware I don't know this guy very well yet and that what I feel for him at this point is not "love." I know it's attraction and hormones making me feel this way. I also know that if I give into these feelings and start acting needy or clingy or too emotional towards him, I will mess up what could potentially be a good thing. So far, I don't think I've done anything that would make me seem obsessive from his perspective. I've been responsive and flirted and shown interest, but I haven't talked about feelings and have let him be the one to suggest dates and initiate most of the contact.

 

But I still can't seem to overcome this internal problem of tending to obsess, and I'm afraid it will eventually come out in my actions no matter how I try to keep it under control. I'm afraid anyone I get involved with will eventually see that I'm "crazy" and get scared off. Actually, this guy I like has a sort of blog he posts on every day, and I find myself checking it all the time wondering if maybe he's written something about me, which I know is silly... but it's just so hard to resist! Ugh!!

 

So I'm wondering if anyone here has advice on how to combat obsessive tendencies. I want to be able to have a healthy relationship and not be the "crazy girlfriend." I would really appreciate any tips, or even just moral support!

[sportzhl24]

This doesn't sound like an issue that is going to go away on its own. I would recommend seeing a therapist for cognitive behavioral therapy. It's all about changing the way you think so that your see improvements in habits and behaviors. My gf broke up with my a few months ago and I've been going through some rough stuff. I had to see a few therapists and it helped out a lot. Therapists can help you identify the roots of your obsessive tendencies. It may seem like a pain in the ass to go to a therapist but trust me, you can learn the skills you need to really change your life for the better!

[Weezy1973]

It is extraordinarily hard to control your emotions, but, it is really quite possible to control your behaviour. Don't worry about your quick feelings - you're right - they are just hormones and you really don't know this guy that well (and he doesn't know you that well either!).

 

Take things slowly (you can control that). Get to know him better, and open up (slowly) so he gets to know you better. Depending on how many dates a week you guys go on, it can take two or three months before you start getting to know somebody well.

 

The infatuation phase is a lot of fun, but also can be addicting. So often you become fearful of losing the guy even at this early stage even though you truly don't know him and don't have anything invested. What you're afraid of is losing the infatuation feeling. And people do crazy things to keep that feeling around, like putting the other person on a pedestal in their mind, or even worse, acting like someone they're not to keep the person around. Those are things you can control - don't do them. If you sense yourself starting to have those thoughts - force yourself to stop no matter how enticing they may be.