Bigcitydreamer Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Question: when people break up with other people do they wait for the feelings to go before doing so or is the breakup usually super hard for the dumper as well? I've been in a relationship for 3 years with a great guy. He is a catch in my eyes but we fight a lot. We've tried to get to the bottom of our fighting but we need really resolve any issues so when we are put in a similar situation the issues come back up. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and I'm afraid that if I break up with him I will regret it forever but at the same time I find it hard to get along on a consistent basis with my bf. we are not very stable. I'm concerned my standards are too high and that I'm not a good enough gf. My boyfriend has old school values whereas I'm a bit of a feminist.. He does stuff for me that no one has ever done and it makes me feel like he loves me but I also feel that he does stuff that bothers me and causes me to question our relationship. I've thought about breaking up a nice bit lately because things are still rocky 3 years in. We argue and he feels I don't do enough for him and I'm worried that maybe he is right but I don't know if its on me to try to please him more and drop my standards, find someone who doesn't expect the things my bf expects and meets my needs, or will I find someone who will make me want to please him all the time (for example go to his friends party and not my own, cook more, be more involved with his family). I don't know if I'm about to throw away a good thing or if I should search for someone who things are easier with. I'm not sure if my lack of being involved with his family and friends is due to me not loving him or if we have different ways of doing things. Ugh such a mess but hopefully someone has been through something like this. Also has anyone broken up with seone they still loved or do most people wait for that love to die?
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I just wanted to add that I'm worried that what I expect of a partner is not real. I imagine this connection and bond where I feel like my bf gets me and everything is easy. For example I love to travel and my bf won't make any effort it travel. In fact in 3 years we have been together we have rarely traveled for leisure if at all. He knows I love it and I want to go places so bad. Admittedly I don't have a lot of money for travelling but he is doing very well for himself and spends his money in other areas no problem. I've also suggested places I could afford and he would rationalize that I can't actually afford it because I have other expenses and he knows he would still end up spending a lot on a trip. He says he will go but it's been 3 years.. So that's one example. I want my boyfriend or husband to secretly plan a trip for me instead of complain and argue about it. Is it because he doesn't love me enough? Is he just different? What should I do?
2fargone Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 So that's one example. I want my boyfriend or husband to secretly plan a trip for me instead of complain and argue about it. Is it because he doesn't love me enough? Is he just different? What should I do? This here by itself is an unrealistic expectation. He can't read your mind, so you wanting him to secretly plan a trip is nonsense. The rest however seems reasonable. If you feel you brought it up enough times and really (REALLY) have been specific about your wants and needs (and the specific part is what most people forget) without being unreasonable, then it's time to look further.
blombox Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Compatibility is very important for a long term relationship. Fitst thing you can do is find out is if the reason you are fighting is a contradicting need, or because of the charactaristics of a person. For example: you can fight because he never listens, or because he is bad at reflecting. You can also fight because you really think differently about a topic. If its about a topic, I think you need to find out what subjects you are fighting about. Write them down, and check if you have contradicting needs. Maybe he doesnt like to travel, and you love it. After that, you should talk about it and see if you van come to an agreement. If not, and its really important to you, you should find someone else.
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