The Trouble with Going NC

[moving2fast]

Hi Everyone,

I've posted before about a certain situation I was in with a MM, and I've gone NC as advised by a few posters. The problem is, I'm super lonely. I didn't think I would feel this way, but I really do miss him. I blocked his number and email, so even if he was calling or writing me now like he has been a few times since the second D-day.

 

 

I miss our conversation, I miss feeling close to someone. I do make the conscious effort to go out and be around people. I can't really sit home alone for long. I just miss what we had.

 

 

I feel a bit bad for not responding to him. I feel as though I should just call him and be with him again, start things up and just be how they were, but I know it would hurt his family. I know we aren't good for each other, I just miss having a real bond with another person. I never felt for him like I felt for anyone else, even though I pushed him away. He said he wanted us to be together, to just run off someplace. Why does that seem like something I would want to do now? I know it wouldn't happen, but I miss him so. Maybe he really doesn't miss me. Maybe I'm just being foolish thinking about this man, he probably only was lying to me, but why would he lie when he had no reason to?

 

 

Has anyone else felt this way? If so, what have you done to get over it? Did you get over it, or did you just give in and start seeing the person again?

[Popsicle]

Yes, for sure. I miss him terribly and feel lonely. I know I have to stay strong though and eventually it will pass.

[SarahJames]

I have read your other post. From that it seems like you were satisfied in a relationship that consisted of companionship and the physical. But you clearly stated that you didn't want more (when he said he'd leave his family). I also got the vibe that perhaps you didn't completely mean it when you said that - perhaps your disinterest in actually being with him stems from fear of commitment, getting hurt in the past, etc. Let's face it: he cheated on his current wife, that means he's capable of cheating on his future gf/wife. It is wise of you for NOT wanting to get involved with a MM even offering to leave his family. I'm sure you can imagine all the reasons - which includes: you can't believe him and be completely sure he means it when he says he will leave. The only way you'd really know is if he actually left. Now check out some of the posts on this site, some women have been waiting for YEARS. It isn't worth it.

 

As far as your NC situation goes. Reading your post felt as if though I had written it. What you are feeling is normal. You're going to feel lonely at first, you're going to be tempted to contact him, you're going to wonder if you did the right thing, and yes, you'll even begin to feel bad/guilty for not answering him. You're going to miss that "closeness". But guess what? A relationship that consists of sex and companionship is NOT to be sought out with a married man! There are plenty of single guys out there that can give you that - and although you may think you had a special bond with this one, if you spent enough time talking and trying to get to know other guys out there, you may end up experiencing that bond with them.

 

You feel bad for not responding to him? Did he feel bad when he was cheating on his wife? Did he feel bad when he was basically giving you bread-crumbs and going home to his wife? I don't think so. Didn't you write that his BS is pregnant (perhaps she has a newborn by now)? Why would you want to get involved in that mess?

 

You shouldn't call him. You shouldn't start things up again. Trust me. I went months with NC, and then I finally responded to a text. Terrible decision. I spent the day crying, wishing I never answered, and resumed NC.

 

You wrote that you know you aren't good for each other. Then why keep going back? You miss having a real bond with another person - those are your words, not mine. You miss the BOND, NOT HIM. You pushed him away because it's the right thing to do. He's bad news. You say that you know it wouldn't happen (the running away some where), so then why would you get yourself into that mess all over again? Maybe he does miss you, maybe he does miss the sex, and guess what? He DID have a reason to lie - it kept you around.

 

You can't give in and start seeing him again - that's only allowing yourself to accept less than you deserve. He's a married man with a kid (s), or one on the way. Let him fix his marriage. His life. His mentality. And you focus on yourself.

 

Ask yourself if you tend to push single guys away. Ask yourself if being emotionally involved with someone isn't easy for you. Ask yourself what the reasons for that are. Ask yourself why you were ever okay being involved with a married man in the first place. Work on yourself. Go to the gym. Go out to lunch/dinner. Socialize with friends. Go out for drinks to meet AVAILABLE men. Think about what you're doing to this woman on top of what he has already done to her. Don't be his accomplice. Imagine you were the wife, and you knew about the OW. Think about how you would feel, what that would do to your self-esteem, your marriage, your idea of love. I wouldn't want to be the BS. Be better than the OW. Be the only woman with the right man. Good luck to you. You can do it - stay strong.

[moving2fast]

You're right, I didn't want more than what we had going, though he said he wanted more. It was more than just hanging out or having sex(though there was a lot of that), we talked/wrote each other whenever we were free to do so. He had his family, I saw people and such, he was like the best friend I always wanted growing up. I miss having someone that actually knows me, and took the time to get to know me. I know I can't settle for being with just one person, and I wouldn't expect someone to be content solely with me. So, when he would say that he wanted just me, I knew it couldn't be true. I wouldn't want just him, if that makes sense, I want what we had going though. I know that isn't something that can continue since it clearly hurts his wife.

 

 

You're right, I should just seek it out with someone else that's not tied up with marriage. I really try not to miss him. I think I've managed to stay very busy. After the first D-day and the two week break, it really wasn't so bad, I was out being social. I really don't recall thinking this much about them(MM and family). I think it's harder this time since he didn't wait so long to contact me and I am trying hard not to contact him, which has me feeling guilty.

 

 

His wife had their son, and he did share pictures of them all together with me, I wasn't allowed around there anymore, but it was nice seeing them. I don't know if he felt bad for things that happened between us, I don't know if he was even thinking about how it was going to hurt and ended up hurting his wife. He didn't mention how he felt about it to me, guilt or anything. I really didn't put much thought into his wife's feelings. I hope he's thinking about her now.

 

 

Yes, it's the bond with another person. He and I were so similar. He didn't have to lie about wanting to be with me though. I was content with the situation, I never really wanted him to leave them or anything. If his wife was okay with it, I wouldn't have stopped anything. In all honesty, if his wife didn't know anything, I wouldn't stop it, unless he really wanted us to be together. Then I would have to leave because I couldn't be in a real relationship like that. I wish we all got along. I don't want to hurt anyone.

 

 

I know, I need to stop and just move on with things. I won't give in and seek him out. I'd have to do that now since I've blocked him, I'd have to actually call, and I know I won't do that. I am just really lonely, missing having that person I could talk to about anything and he would do the same.

 

 

I don't think I push anyone away. I'm very open. Most guys just start in with physical stuff and don't try to get to know me. So, I don't waste my time sharing things they don't want to know, we just get physical. Like, last night, I made sure the man I left the bar with was single, and you know, he didn't care to know anything about me till afterwards, when I was asking what he wanted to eat for breakfast? I gave him my number and he did drive me home, didn't have to but insisted on doing so. I doubt we'll be more than what we were, but I will answer his call/meet if he wants to again. I don't mind that, but I miss having someone genuinely care about me beyond if it's okay to do this or that to me. I have had friends that start off great, then are repulsed by me(because of what I do/have done) or want to control everything. I've had many boy and girlfriends that like me until they start knowing me.

 

 

I was okay being with the MM because he was my closest friend and it was scary at first because I didn't think we would be that way, I thought we would just be talking/social friends, but it changed and I tried to make it one way or the other, but that didn't work either. I don't want to hurt his wife again, so I am keeping my distance, though I will say again I didn't really think it was something that would hurt her, then when I did know it hurt her I continued because I was being selfish and didn't understand why me being with him would hurt her since I wasn't trying to steal him away or anything.

 

 

Thanks SarahJames, I read your post before heading out last night and I don't want to an accomplice.

 

 

Popsicle, I sure hope it passes soon. I want to just not care anymore, wish we never met so I wouldn't have to feel all these weird emotions. I don't like feeling things for people.