10 months later, a new job, a new town and I'm still struggling

[love&theft]

I dated my ex bf for 3 years. We broke up in February because he needed to "get his life together" and just needed "a little time". Our relationship had been rocky for several months. Mainly due to him not being around, not keeping his word, and just disappearing for days without so much as a text. His behavior became more & more shady. Taking his phone to the bathroom, locking his cell, lying about stupid stuff, etc. I would have thought he was cheating but he is so socially awkward I find it hard to believe he met someone else.

We worked for the same company, in the same building, and I wouldn't see him for an entire week. He was clearly avoiding me like the plague. I decided in February that enough was enough and I wasn't playing his game anymore. I broke up with him & he said he knew it was coming he just needed to figure his life out, he was such a mess, blah blah.

 

From February to July he changed into someone I didn't even recognize. He started traveling, going to the bar all the time, took up MMA fighting, traded his less than 6month old vehicle in for the bigger better model, started dressing differently, and treated me like he never knew me. He was like a mini-version of his best friend. Even dressing alike. He's only 29 so I think it's safe to say it wasn't a mid-life crisis. Lol

 

We'd walk past each other in the hall and he'd look away. Yet, he'd "show up" frequently at places I'd be (movies, dinner, breakfast, store, etc), he'd show up on my doorstep unannounced and ask to play with the dog, he'd text me that he loved me, he'd show up in the middle of the night, sitting in his car outside my house for hours, he'd call me begging to talk to him then sit silently on my couch. He even went so far as to sabotage a date I went on by showing up at my door. It was stalker-ish yet he never threatened me or was harassing. He was just always there.

 

In August I resigned and took a job in another county. I needed to get away from him & I couldn't do that working for the same company. I left my friends, my family, and my job to get a fresh start. By October he found me and started showing up in my driveway every few weeks. Giving me the he was just driving through and thought he'd say hello. Seventy-fives miles away. I've been nice, I've been hateful, I've told him he's not welcome here and not to come back, I've had NC for months and nothing phases him. He tells me he'll always care for me and love me but doesn't want to be with me. Which is fine with me. I just wish I could forget about the 2+ good years we had and get over him. I'm strong enough to maintain NC but it's very hurtful to see him and only gets me to thinking about him & what we used to have. He doesn't want me but he doesn't want me to be happy without him.

 

I'm trying to meet new people, do new things etc. I struggle the most at night when I go to bed alone. Any suggestions on how to get past this? I feel like I'm never going to get him out of my head. It's not helping that it's the holidays.

[purplesoccer34]

From what it seems, you do talk to him every now and then right? Or he finds a way to contact you. If this is so, it's the reason you are not able to get over him. You need to be firm, and tell him not to show up in your driveway at random times--the more you see him or talk to him, the harder it'll be for you to really get over him.

 

Believe me, I would know this. My ex and I broke up 3 months ago. 2 days ago, I saw him for the first time since breaking up. We ran into each other at a library. I seriously was getting over him. I spent a lot of time with my friends, focused on other things, took up new hobbies, etc, and it got to a point where I was no longer thinking about him. When I saw him at the library 2 days ago, everything came back to me. All the emotions I felt when we were together, the happiness, the sadness--they all just came rushing back, and it was like we never broke up. I only caught a glimpse of him, and he waved. That was it, but that was all it took. The past 2 days, I've been thinking about him non-stop.

 

I know it's going to be hard, but he needs to be out of your life completely. At least until you've completely moved on.

[LadyM]

It's really hard to forget someone when they keep popping back into your life. It shouldn't matter if he drives 75 miles to see you. Let him sit in your driveway for hours if he wants - don't let him in your home. Don't respond to any texts or calls. Pretend you're not at home. He does have stalker tendencies. He keeps coming around because you are a source of comfort for him, which he probably has very little of in his life. It's also an attempt to manipulate you into continuing to have feelings for him.

 

He will keep trying to worm his way into your life - if you allow it.

 

You need to heal and move on. You don't owe him anything. Remember, this is the man who does not want to be with you.

 

Don't let him force his way into your life because you are only hurting yourself. I know you're lonely and think about him, but time will take care of that, but only when and if he stops coming around.

[Am4Real]

As Purple just mentioned, every time you see or hear from him it's sets you back to wherever your emotions were the last time you heard or saw him. Three weeks can go by and seeing him erases all twenty-one days...

 

You've done the right things from what we read so the only thing left is to lay it down for him that you want him gone, not partially gone, but gone for good. It needs to be communicated clearly and concisely. Do not say your “sorry”, do go on to explain your reasons to him. Anything other than straight to the point talk will be interpreted either differently or softly by him.

 

Do not threaten him, not yet anyway. In other word don’t say “leave me alone, do not bother me or show up or else…” That will aggravate the situation and may even cause him to disbelieve you and call your bluff.

 

Lay it out there and if he still interferes with your life, the next step is the court system for retraining options of course. You describe him as lost and hopefully your straight up words will be clear enough to send him in the right direction – home!

[Qactus]

He still loves you. A guy doing such stuff always means he is willing to fight with fire just for his love.

 

Have you every thought this way? He seems to love you very much.

 

 

NOTE: just an opinion.

[mtnbiker3000]

I also was in a 3 year RS. I am also about 10 months post BU / NC. And... I am also still struggling.

 

You're not alone!!! Hang in there

[love&theft]

Thank you everyone for your kind words & advice. I know you're all right. I need to be firm & ignore him even if he's standing at my door. I do so well not initiating contact and not responding to his calls, texts, and emails.

I've told him point blank I do not want him coming to my home. Then this last time he showed up with a former co-worker (knowing I wouldn't make a scene). I pulled him aside and told him yet again not to show up here.

 

He's very good at looking like he's suffering and misses me. Which I don't believe for one minute. I'm only on his mind when he is bored or lonely.

 

Today he texted me and asked if my pup was okay because he dreamt she was missing last night and he was worried. I very much wanted to text back " I don't know, I haven't seen her for a few days." Lmao but I resisted. He will use anything to try to get me to respond.

 

 

He still loves you. A guy doing such stuff always means he is willing to fight with fire just for his love.

 

Have you every thought this way? He seems to love you very much.

 

 

NOTE: just an opinion.

 

Qactus, I believe he loves the idea of being in a relationship. He wants his cake & to eat it too. I gave him months to get himself together and he strung me along all the while treating me poorly. I deserve better than that.

[Mrlonelyone]

Out of a 3yr RLship... 10 months is not long.

 

 

That said, why would he do all of that yet break up with you? It's insane. That and to me what he's doing sounds like stalking.

[love&theft]

Out of a 3yr RLship... 10 months is not long.

 

 

That said, why would he do all of that yet break up with you? It's insane. That and to me what he's doing sounds like stalking.

 

I have no idea why he does the things he does. It drives me crazy. I believe he may have high functioning Asperger's syndrome.

 

I was concerned about his behavior being stalking. I spoke with a friend who is in law enforcement & handles a lot of domestic situations. Technically he's not stalking me or harassing me. He has never threatened or intimidated me. I can't prove he intentionally showed up at places I where I was. He doesn't constantly contact me.

[Qactus]

I have no idea why he does the things he does. It drives me crazy. I believe he may have high functioning Asperger's syndrome.

 

I was concerned about his behavior being stalking. I spoke with a friend who is in law enforcement & handles a lot of domestic situations. Technically he's not stalking me or harassing me. He has never threatened or intimidated me. I can't prove he intentionally showed up at places I where I was. He doesn't constantly contact me.

 

how about giving him a chance? talk to him and ask him to change himself or forget you.

 

Look i strongly believe.. Talking to a person helps because the communication gap is always a mess. Anyway the decision is yours.