Els Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 UPDATE: OH. MY. GOSH. Things just got worse... So I didn't bring up the age difference today because he texted me today with a whole new humdinger. He's gonna be coming through my city in a few days and wants to bring his parents to meet my parents AT OUR HOUSE. Oh my gosh, can it get any weirder???!!!! Again, I have a feeling his parents may be behind this. If you're not comfortable, say no. This is a good time to learn to start asserting your boundaries. His parents definitely sound overprotective and presumptive, but we don't get to choose our parents. We only get to choose how we react to them. So, don't dump him just because of his parents, but if he lets them walk all over him and you in the process, then that would be a good reason to.
jonny walker Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Just tell him that if m 21 or 22 will your love for me will be the same?thats it as far as i knw age never matters in love ..be bold and tell him the truth
Author kelly92 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 I really want to talk to him about it being too soon for our families to meet, but he's already bought the tickets as a "present" to me and has spent several hundred dollars I'm sure. He acted like it was a great surprise. I feel bad because I will most likely seem ungrateful. I'm so stressed out now that I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I need to say something about the age difference first, and then bring up not meeting. I just fear the "age difference + me not wanting to see the family = too much new information at once", is going to be too much of a shock to their systems and he's just going to get scared off and leave me!
Author kelly92 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 I agree with this... I'm actually thinking the age difference is a bit of a red herring at this point. This is about his parents getting over involved in their son's budding relationship. Yes, this is why I am scared to death to talk about the age difference. Because his parents will probably have a great say about my age when they find out and he will be pressured to follow their advice. It could turn out fine or it could be an utter nightmare with me depressed and heartbroken. I KNOW I need to say something. I just have to get myself into the right frame of mind emotionally in case he dumps me or there's a big stink over this.
John-Dough Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 This story is getting a little hard to believe.
Author kelly92 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 This story is getting a little hard to believe. It probably does sound insane. I can't believe this is actually happening to me. I FINALLY found someone I love and THIS just has to happen. Why does my life have to be so complicated?
John-Dough Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 UPDATE: OH. MY. GOSH. Things just got worse... So I didn't bring up the age difference today because he texted me today with a whole new humdinger. He's gonna be coming through my city in a few days and wants to bring his parents to meet my parents AT OUR HOUSE. Oh my gosh, can it get any weirder???!!!! Again, I have a feeling his parents may be behind this. I really want to talk to him about it being too soon for our families to meet, but he's already bought the tickets as a "present" to me and has spent several hundred dollars I'm sure. He acted like it was a great surprise. I feel bad because I will most likely seem ungrateful. I'm so stressed out now that I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I need to say something about the age difference first, and then bring up not meeting. I just fear the "age difference + me not wanting to see the family = too much new information at once", is going to be too much of a shock to their systems and he's just going to get scared off and leave me! You say he is coming through your city, as though he is passing through and thought he and his family would use that opportunity to stop in and meet your family. Then, you say he bought these plane tickets as a surprise for you, as though this was their intended destination. Which one is it? Then, you say you are worried he is going to get 'scared off'. No one would think he is going to get 'scared off' by the actions you have posted here. This sounds like a plot line from a movie. I don't know maybe this is all true - but it's hard for me to believe.
MidwestUSA Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Take a deep breath, Kelly. This isn't your problem to face alone! Did your boyfriend ever bring up the topic of age? (Obviously not) It's a lie by omission, but he's in on it. You HAVE to level with him! Before the whole parents meeting thing occurs. Do it now. If he's head over heels for you, it's not going to matter, and I'm guessing this is the case. Ask him 'do your parents know I'm older than you?' I'm going to assume he maybe thinks you're nineteen. Go from there and get the truth on the table. In the excitement of travel planning, it may just seem like no big deal. It's good practice for being able to approach and talk to your man about anything and everything. This is all gonna seem pretty ridiculous, maybe even funny, to you in a few more years. I promise! 1
Author kelly92 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) You say he is coming through your city, as though he is passing through and thought he and his family would use that opportunity to stop in and meet your family. Then, you say he bought these plane tickets as a surprise for you, as though this was their intended destination. Which one is it? Then, you say you are worried he is going to get 'scared off'. No one would think he is going to get 'scared off' by the actions you have posted here. This sounds like a plot line from a movie. I don't know maybe this is all true - but it's hard for me to believe. It's both! The plane tickets are for ME to come and visit his family at HIS house over Christmas break. And then on a second trip this month he wants his parents to come over to MY house to meet MY parents. And I am worried he will be scared off because I am not the person he thinks I am, me being older than he thinks I am! And no doubt his parents will have a huge say. Edited December 16, 2013 by kelly92
Mariposa10 Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 It's both! The plane tickets are for ME to come and visit his family at HIS house over Christmas break. And then on a second trip this month he wants his parents to come over to MY house to meet MY parents. And I am worried he will be scared off because I am not the person he thinks I am, me being older than he thinks I am! And no doubt his parents will have a huge say. This relationship sounds waaay too serious... Are you ok with that? You need to tell him as soon as possible. Ugh, I hate how you have to feel so bad for being just a little bit older, but if you were a guy everything would've been fine!
John-Dough Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 The age factor will be no big deal to him or his parents, guaranteed. However, when I was 18, I had a girlfriend who was 21. We were together for about 2 years. We did run into some issues regarding the age difference along the way. They mainly pertained to us being at different points in our life. I think this may be somewhat lesser for you two, do to your strong religious beliefs. As far as his parents go, I would find that extremely annoying to be so pushy. But, since you are really into this guy, you might as well go ahead and meet them because from the looks of things they will be a big part of your life if you two would end up together. So, you might as well find out how compatible you are with them, sooner rather than later.
RedRobin Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 I agree with this... I'm actually thinking the age difference is a bit of a red herring at this point. This is about his parents getting over involved in their son's budding relationship. Yes, this is why I am scared to death to talk about the age difference. Because his parents will probably have a great say about my age when they find out and he will be pressured to follow their advice. It could turn out fine or it could be an utter nightmare with me depressed and heartbroken. I KNOW I need to say something. I just have to get myself into the right frame of mind emotionally in case he dumps me or there's a big stink over this. Here's the deal. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. At all. Stop acting like you being a couple of years older than him is the crime of the century. If genders were reversed, it would not only be ok... it would be expected. You aren't even that much older! Relax. You have nothing to be ashamed about or worried about. If he cared that much about the possible age difference, he would have asked. Take a deep breath and remember how awesome you are and all the reasons you two were attracted to each other... don't let this age thing worry you. ... and no, I don't think you have any obligation to 'confess' to something you did nothing wrong over. It's not a lie of anything. Not sure why people think it is... It's frikken three years... not 30 years difference! 1
MrCastle Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 @ Robin -- it's not the age difference in terms of years. It's the placement of the gap. What if it was 20 and 17? That's quite a gap isn't it? A teenager who's not yet legal and a 20 year old? This is only a one year difference from that. A 21 year old with someone who is not yet legally allowed to drink. One is considered a full adult, the other is not. Now, personally, I don't see it as a huge ordeal, we like who like -- unless it's a gross age gap where the person is old enough to be the parent of the other -- but I can understand why OP has her concerns and where the guy's parents would have their concerns. Their son is a teenager dating someone in their 20s. All that said, I'm not big on pleasing parents, conforming to what other people outside of my relationship have to say, etc -- so if I was op, or her boyfriend, I wouldn't care. But I can see why some people would be concerned.
Author kelly92 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) @ Robin -- it's not the age difference in terms of years. It's the placement of the gap. What if it was 20 and 17? That's quite a gap isn't it? A teenager who's not yet legal and a 20 year old? This is only a one year difference from that. A 21 year old with someone who is not yet legally allowed to drink. One is considered a full adult, the other is not. Now, personally, I don't see it as a huge ordeal, we like who like -- unless it's a gross age gap where the person is old enough to be the parent of the other -- but I can understand why OP has her concerns and where the guy's parents would have their concerns. Their son is a teenager dating someone in their 20s. All that said, I'm not big on pleasing parents, conforming to what other people outside of my relationship have to say, etc -- so if I was op, or her boyfriend, I wouldn't care. But I can see why some people would be concerned. Mr. Castle, I agree. And since there are some people who may have a problem with our relationship, there is a chance his parents could not like that I'm 21 as I know we both agree. So what is your advice on how I should best bring up the subject of our age difference without making it awkward? I do plan to casually bring this up tonight or tomorrow morning if I can get my thoughts together. And bear in mind that I will need to text him since we're not at college right now. And I think calling him would make this look like I think it's a serious matter. Edited December 17, 2013 by kelly92
RedRobin Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 I think its you who has the problem with the fact that he is younger... and want to project all this junk onto his parents and him. If you have a problem with the fact he is younger, then just suck it up and take responsibility for your own feelings about it instead of making it about his parents or him. Just tell him you didn't realize he was that much younger than you and break up with him. Easy. OTOH, the way you are going about it now, it sounds like you just want someone else to blame or do your dirty work for you so you don't have to feel bad about rejecting him because of his age. 1
RedRobin Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 @ Robin -- it's not the age difference in terms of years. It's the placement of the gap. What if it was 20 and 17? That's quite a gap isn't it? A teenager who's not yet legal and a 20 year old? This is only a one year difference from that. A 21 year old with someone who is not yet legally allowed to drink. One is considered a full adult, the other is not. Now, personally, I don't see it as a huge ordeal, we like who like -- unless it's a gross age gap where the person is old enough to be the parent of the other -- but I can understand why OP has her concerns and where the guy's parents would have their concerns. Their son is a teenager dating someone in their 20s. All that said, I'm not big on pleasing parents, conforming to what other people outside of my relationship have to say, etc -- so if I was op, or her boyfriend, I wouldn't care. But I can see why some people would be concerned. Yes, this happens everyday when people go to college. I was 17 when I graduated HS. Barely 18 when I started college. That means I was surrounded by *GASP* people in their 20's. That's who you date when you are in college. Point remains that if he was 21 and she was 18, no one would be giving it a second thought. at all. I sure do hate double standards. 1
Author kelly92 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 I think its you who has the problem with the fact that he is younger... and want to project all this junk onto his parents and him. If you have a problem with the fact he is younger, then just suck it up and take responsibility for your own feelings about it instead of making it about his parents or him. Just tell him you didn't realize he was that much younger than you and break up with him. Easy. OTOH, the way you are going about it now, it sounds like you just want someone else to blame or do your dirty work for you so you don't have to feel bad about rejecting him because of his age. Actually I want to be with him more than anything else in the world. I love him! That's the whole reason I'm treading so carefully with this matter because I don't want what we have to be destroyed by his parents' possible hang-ups about age, which i could very well see them doing.
RedRobin Posted December 17, 2013 Posted December 17, 2013 Actually I want to be with him more than anything else in the world. I love him! That's the whole reason I'm treading so carefully with this matter because I don't want what we have to be destroyed by his parents' possible hang-ups about age, which i could very well see them doing. Why would you believe they would have a problem with it? If you don't make a big deal out of it, maybe they won't either? This is why I don't think it's about them... ... even if they did have some kind of problems with it, maybe you could ask them what their concerns might be? I just don't see this particular age difference (18 and 21) being monumental... considering what I just mentioned above. It's an appropriate age gap for people who met in college. *shrug* It's not like you are trolling the HS's... or he is trolling the colleges looking for dates. You're in the same school, right? Edited: Castle, this isn't an issue for people who don't go bar hopping. It's quite possible they don't even drink...
Author kelly92 Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Why would you believe they would have a problem with it? If you don't make a big deal out of it, maybe they won't either? This is why I don't think it's about them... ... even if they did have some kind of problems with it, maybe you could ask them what their concerns might be? I just don't see this particular age difference (18 and 21) being monumental... considering what I just mentioned above. It's an appropriate age gap for people who met in college. *shrug* It's not like you are trolling the HS's... or he is trolling the colleges looking for dates. You're in the same school, right? Edited: Castle, this isn't an issue for people who don't go bar hopping. It's quite possible they don't even drink... haha. You're right. We don't drink. I don't anyway. I doubt he will either when he's 21. lol 1
BillJJ Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 18 and 21 isn't much of an age difference. I am 26 and the woman I love is 30 and there are a lot of couples out there which have an age difference between them. If you love him and he loves you who cares about 3 years?
MrCastle Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 Mr. Castle, I agree. And since there are some people who may have a problem with our relationship, there is a chance his parents could not like that I'm 21 as I know we both agree. So what is your advice on how I should best bring up the subject of our age difference without making it awkward? I do plan to casually bring this up tonight or tomorrow morning if I can get my thoughts together. And bear in mind that I will need to text him since we're not at college right now. And I think calling him would make this look like I think it's a serious matter. Yeah. Don't make it a big thing. If his parents raise an eyebrow to the age gap just say -- "Me and your son have a great relationship and we enjoy each other's company. We don't really think of it in terms of age." I assume since he's a man, he's not gonna be pressured to conform to his parents wishes as that seems something women are more likely to do. He's gonna be with you if that's what he wants. You're trying to be with him, not his parents. If he doesn't care about the gap, and you don't care, that's all that matters, and the two of you will stay together. If his parents take issue, that's something they'll have to get over.
Emissary Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 21 and 18 is a perfectly socially acceptable age difference. It's true that it's usually older guys dating younger girls, but you're both adults and both in the same stages of your lives, what's the problem exactly?
veggirl Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 These folks are conservative christians pushing their teen son to be way too serious about a brand new relationship. They probably want him married soon. I wouldnt be surprised if they have a problem with your age, tbh. They may think of single 2w yr old conservative christian girl as old. Tell him asap.
veggirl Posted December 18, 2013 Posted December 18, 2013 These are conservative christian parents encouraging their teen son to be super serious in a new relationship. They very well may think a 21 yr old single christian girl is borderline spinster. I wouldnt be surprised. Tell him asap.
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