kelly92 Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 So here's my situation. I just transferred this past semester to a new university. I am a 21 year old girl and a junior (I took a gap year off out of high school). I met and became friends with a guy, who I will call John, because we were assigned in the same group together for a class project. For some reason I thought he was 19. (19 is the age I have always told myself was the absolute youngest I would ever date without feeling weird about it by the way.) So a couple months passed and I started suspecting that John had a crush on me. He ended up asking me out on a date and I accepted. By the second date, there were instant fireworks and we were falling fast for each other. We've now been dating for a month-and-a-half and we're basically in love. When we're together, it's like there's nobody else in the world besides the two of us. Now here's where the dilemma comes in. I was looking at his facebook profile recently and discovered that John is actually only 18! But what's worse is the fact that I'm now starting to suspect that John has thought I was a freshman and the same age as him all this time!!! I thought he knew I was a junior, but based on some things he's said recently I don't know if he knows my actual age or not! And I'm too scared to just bring up my age out of the blue because I'm afraid it will be awkward and I'm scared of how he'll react. I understand the whole "Age is just a number and it's maturity that counts" thing but a lot of people don't and I do NOT want to look like a cougar. I've even thought about calling the relationship off and making an excuse so that he doesn't get hurt and I can avoid the awkward conversation. However this breaks my heart to think about losing him and i do want it to work! I don't know what to do!!! John basically considers us a couple now. He has a picture of me and him together, which he's been showing to all his friends and family. He calls me his girlfriend... and just a few days ago I just found out that as a Christmas present, he bought me a plane ticket to come and meet his parents and siblings over Christmas break! John's family is so excited about meeting me, and supposedly they have a whole bunch of questions they want to ask me about my life. I just know they're going to think I'm a creepy cougar or something when they find out my age. John's family is a traditional, Christian, super family-oriented, "homey" type family if you know what I mean. Just thinking about meeting John's parents and he and them finding out my age is killing me to the point where I've thought about calling the relationship off before they find out and think I'm a desperate weirdo. So, if i'm going to tell John, I need to tell him soon before I visit his family.... Any advice on how I should tell John my age without being all weird or awkward about it? I feel like just bringing it up out of the blue is going to be SO awkward and make me look like I have to "confess" something, which is not at all the way this thing transpired. Please help. I am really troubled about this, especially now that John's got everything all set up for me to meet his family in two weeks.
BlametheIrish Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 Ypu want him to fibd out your age withput saying anything? Go to a restaurant with him and order an alcoholic beverage, simply done . I dont think three years is a huge difference as long as he is mature for his age. Don't worry, if it was meant to be then age wont factor in. 1
Author kelly92 Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 Well, the problem with that is the fact that we go to a private Christian college and they have rules against the students drinking. So that won't work. lol
MidwestUSA Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I'm not sure how you got this far without the topic coming up, but at this point, I think your best bet is to keep it light, laugh it off. "Hey, you know it's weird that we've never talked about our ages, but I've suddenly realized you probably think I'm nineteen!" Then tell him the truth. All is going well, so he may take it in stride. At 21, you're nowhere near cougar territory, LOL! Good luck! 2
Mariposa10 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Three years is nothing!! Bring it up as soon as possible, so you an continue to enjoy your relationship! 1
Author kelly92 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Thanks for the replies so far, guys. One of the things that is stressing me out is the fact that John's family is making a really big deal out of the fact that he got his first "girlfriend". They're all so excited about and showing pictures of me and him to their friends, etc. His parents are also the types who are extremely proud of their son and have a close family bond, so they're heavily involved and always asking him for updates on how our relationship is going. Even the grandparents are on cloud nine about me! Basically they're over the moon about this and I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach thinking about meeting them and all the questions I'm gonna get. And the shock of "OMG. Our 18 year old freshman son who just left the nest is dating a 21 year old?!" I love him so much but don't know if I can take it. If I call the relationship off though, I'll be heartbroken knowing I didn't even try to tell him.
MrCastle Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 It's not the three years that's an issue but where they lie. 21 and 24 is way different than 18 and 21. Stay with him if you think he's a good fit for you but I wouldn't expect much out of a relationship with someone who's still a teenager. 2
RedRobin Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Thanks for the replies so far, guys. One of the things that is stressing me out is the fact that John's family is making a really big deal out of the fact that he got his first "girlfriend". They're all so excited about and showing pictures of me and him to their friends, etc. His parents are also the types who are extremely proud of their son and have a close family bond, so they're heavily involved and always asking him for updates on how our relationship is going. Even the grandparents are on cloud nine about me! Basically they're over the moon about this and I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach thinking about meeting them and all the questions I'm gonna get. And the shock of "OMG. Our 18 year old freshman son who just left the nest is dating a 21 year old?!" I love him so much but don't know if I can take it. If I call the relationship off though, I'll be heartbroken knowing I didn't even try to tell him. Even if you were the same age, this is a lot to deal with considering that you just met. There are many other possible things that can send a new relationship off the rails... The biggest being value differences and communication compatibility. Three years even at your age is not that much. When I was a senior in HS, I went on dates with early blooming freshmen I lost my virginity (at 17) to a 20 year old... he was someone I knew when he was still in my HS, so it wasn't like he was some perv hitting the HS for youngin's. He later ended up marrying a same age woman. Long story short... if you were a guy and he was a young lady, no one would bat an eyelash. If I were you, I'd go meet his family. You've done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed about. At all. I'm sure you are a great girl. They are probably thrilled that he met someone nice from his school and that's it. If it comes up during your visit, you can answer them honestly... again, you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.
Imported Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 21 is where the government thinks you have reached enough maturity to drink alcohol. 25 is where the insurance scammers think you have aged enough to send them less money. 21 and "cougar", well I just don't really think that about a 21 year old. 1
anna121 Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 First of all, my understanding of a cougar is someone in her late 30s or 40s who dates significantly younger guys, as in, guys from a different age decade. I would just tell him. You're both attending the same institution; you're in a similar enough age bracket that it shouldn't matter. What does matter is his individual maturity. I agree with an earlier poster that you shouldn't expect too much. Especially if you're his first girlfriend. I do think it may be a bit early to do the whole "taking you home to meet Mama" bit, but if you're comfortable with it then what the heck.
soccerrprp Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 A "cougar" refers to a woman in her 30s-40s WHO SEEKS much younger men for sexual relationships. It's not just b/c of the age difference. This is why many women who are approached by much younger men tell these guys that they are not cougars. Anyway, maturity is essential. I know plenty of young kids (18-21) who are more mature than older counterparts. Even if you believe that people at such ages are still developing emotionally, many of them clearly have developed in areas that keep them from doing stupid things. Of course, this doesn't explain why so many 20+, 30+ men and women continue to do stupid things.
crederer Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Well, the problem with that is the fact that we go to a private Christian college and they have rules against the students drinking. So that won't work. lol WHAT? They drink wine IN church. Anyways, it's not a big deal. I think you're making this an issue and doubt he will care.
Author kelly92 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Yes, I must say that the whole "taking me home to visit his parents" thing is intimidating for me when we've only been dating for a little over a month! Throw in the age difference I don't think he knows about and I'm a nervous wreck!
oldshirt Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Yes, I must say that the whole "taking me home to visit his parents" thing is intimidating for me when we've only been dating for a little over a month! Throw in the age difference I don't think he knows about and I'm a nervous wreck! -Being nervous over everyone making such a big deal about it after a month is a legitimate concern. Talking to him about getting his feet back down on the ground and having him talk to them about not getting any unrealistic expectations or putting any pressure on you or making you feel awkward or like being in a fishbowl is a very worthy discussion. - A cougar is middle aged woman who intentionally targets significantly younger men for strictly sexual adventures to stroke their ego. a 21 year old meeting someone through normal life-activities and then becoming involved with each other because they are compatible and like each is perfectly normal and natural and the way it should be. Your ages didn't matter while you were getting to know each other and developing feelings for each other so the age difference does not matter now. Family members planning your wedding details and picking out names for your kids after you have been seeing each only a month IS an issue. Your age difference is not.
oldshirt Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 . I've even thought about calling the relationship off and making an excuse so that he doesn't get hurt and I can avoid the awkward conversation. You may be the older party in your relationship but if you want to be 'mature' you need to be able to have conversations about things even if you think it may be 'awkward.' If you don't have the maturity to have conversations about pertinent topics, you don't have the maturity to be in a relationship. At 21 and 18, the differences in your chronological ages isn't significant. Your maturity (or lack thereof) and your ability to deal with issues is critical.
oldshirt Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I just know they're going to think I'm a creepy cougar or something when they find out my age. Just thinking about meeting John's parents and he and them finding out my age is killing me to the point where I've thought about calling the relationship off before they find out and think I'm a desperate weirdo. . If they are normal, decent people, they will see two people that met pursuing common interests and got to know each other and developed feelings for each other over time and are involved in a dating relationship. (that is NOT what a cougar is!) What they will RIGHTLY think you are a creepy desperate weirdo over is if you dump someone you like and are compatible with because you have a hang up over a minor age difference and are hung up over being thought of as a cougar which isn't applicable in the first place. Other words, you are not being a weirdo because of the difference in your ages. You are being a weirdo over worrying about it so much and contemplating dumping him over it.
oldshirt Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Any advice on how I should tell John my age without being all weird or awkward about it? . Kelly - "Do you think your family will have an issue with me being 21?" John - "no." Kelly- "Cool. Should we get a pizza or are you in the mood for Chinese or something this evening?" John - "We had pizza last night and Chinese a few nights ago. How about Italian?" Kelly- "Ok, sounds good!"
Author kelly92 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Thanks for the advice, everyone. There have been a lot of good points made. Please keep 'em coming... I could use all the help I can get! lol I do have a feeling that John's family members are the ones instigating and coming up with ideas on how to find ways to meet me. I'm sure me spending Christmas break with them was the parents' idea. I feel like acting hesitant about all this is going to make them have their doubts about me. I do admit that I'm starting to feel a bit pressured and worried that I won't meet all their expectations. I think that this is greatly magnifying the age difference issue for me. Heck, when we're at college, his mom and younger siblings text him all the asking him, "Hey, ask her this next time you hang out with Kelly... ask her this!" etc. The family is making me nervous. BUT... John is basically my dream guy, apart from his age. He's a man I could see myself marrying one day. I don't want to lose him....
Author kelly92 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 I think I just need to get this over with asap. We're both at our own homes on break right now and won't see each other in person until I go see his family in 2 weeks. Should I text him? How should I start the conversation without acting like it's a big deal? I'm at a loss.
MidwestUSA Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I think I just need to get this over with asap. We're both at our own homes on break right now and won't see each other in person until I go see his family in 2 weeks. Should I text him? How should I start the conversation without acting like it's a big deal? I'm at a loss. You do, because you're turning into a basket case! Do you two normally text, or talk on the phone? I'd start by letting him know you're both very happily excited but also nervous about meeting his family. Lead into it from there. Good luck!
Author kelly92 Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 You do, because you're turning into a basket case! Do you two normally text, or talk on the phone? I'd start by letting him know you're both very happily excited but also nervous about meeting his family. Lead into it from there. Good luck! Thank you! And yes, I definitely agree. lol. However I don't think I'd be as much of a basket case the if it wasn't for his family's expectations and eagerness!
MidwestUSA Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Thank you! And yes, I definitely agree. lol. However I don't think I'd be as much of a basket case the if it wasn't for his family's expectations and eagerness! That's exactly what I meant. I think this is bothering you more than the age difference at this point! If his family is this excited, I find it hard to believe your age is going to bother them. Get to work, you little kitten;)!
Author kelly92 Posted December 16, 2013 Author Posted December 16, 2013 UPDATE: OH. MY. GOSH. Things just got worse... So I didn't bring up the age difference today because he texted me today with a whole new humdinger. He's gonna be coming through my city in a few days and wants to bring his parents to meet my parents AT OUR HOUSE. Oh my gosh, can it get any weirder???!!!! Again, I have a feeling his parents may be behind this.
Graduate Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 UPDATE: OH. MY. GOSH. Things just got worse... So I didn't bring up the age difference today because he texted me today with a whole new humdinger. He's gonna be coming through my city in a few days and wants to bring his parents to meet my parents AT OUR HOUSE. Oh my gosh, can it get any weirder???!!!! Again, I have a feeling his parents may be behind this. Tell him no. Tell him you are not comfortable with this and it is too soon in the relationship for all parents to meet. You need to set your boundaries now or his parents will start planning your wedding and then the timing for the birth of your kids one day. It is totally reasonable to not want all this pressure this early in the relationship. But you need to talk to your boyfriend. If you simply agree to all his plans, he will have no idea that you are not comfortable with them! 1
RedRobin Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Tell him no. Tell him you are not comfortable with this and it is too soon in the relationship for all parents to meet. You need to set your boundaries now or his parents will start planning your wedding and then the timing for the birth of your kids one day. It is totally reasonable to not want all this pressure this early in the relationship. But you need to talk to your boyfriend. If you simply agree to all his plans, he will have no idea that you are not comfortable with them! I agree with this... While their eagerness can be seen as cute, or nice... it can also be seen as them not letting their son make decisions for himself and overly intrusive into his developing personal life. I'm actually thinking the age difference is a bit of a red herring at this point. This is about his parents getting over involved in their son's budding relationship. I met my ex-H's parents after dating for about 3-4 months. He met mine at about the same time. Our parents didn't meet until we were talking marriage... after dating for over a year.
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