Why can't I do anything about breaking up?

[blombox]

When someone breaks up, we tend to think this person made this choice in free will. We get mad at that person because we think they deliberately detroyed our future. But is this always the case? I don't think anyone would deliberately stop their own happiness.

 

I am in this situation. I don't want to break up. But lately my girlfriends 'looks' started to bother me. I've been pretty picky in the past, and this didn't work for me. Thats why I decided to give this girl a chance. After two + years of trying to give it a chance, It occurred to me that I can't live with her looks. First the relationship was really great. But lately is has been bothering me so much that I feel like crap everyday, the entire day.

 

And guess what? There is nothing I can do about is. I want to become less picky. I don't want to break up with my girlfriend. I love her so much. But I have no control over this. Rationally I would choose to stay. But emotionally I already said goodbye. And we don't have a relationship because of our rational do we? The relationship will be a living hell for her if we continue.

 

I can really, really get angry about this. My body is deciding my happiness, and there is little I can do about it. Am I destined to not be content with someone?

 

I hate it that we have so little control over our emotional state.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

When someone breaks up, we tend to think this person made this choice in free will. We get mad at that person because we think they deliberately detroyed our future. But is this always the case? I don't think anyone would deliberately stop their own happiness.

 

I am in this situation. I don't want to break up. But lately my girlfriends 'looks' started to bother me. I've been pretty picky in the past, and this didn't work for me. Thats why I decided to give this girl a chance. After two + years of trying to give it a chance, It occurred to me that I can't live with her looks. First the relationship was really great. But lately is has been bothering me so much that I feel like crap everyday, the entire day.

 

And guess what? There is nothing I can do about is. I want to become less picky. I don't want to break up with my girlfriend. I love her so much. But I have no control over this. Rationally I would choose to stay. But emotionally I already said goodbye. And we don't have a relationship because of our rational do we? The relationship will be a living hell for her if we continue.

 

I can really, really get angry about this. My body is deciding my happiness, and there is little I can do about it. Am I destined to not be content with someone?

 

I hate it that we have so little control over our emotional state.

 

What is wrong with her "looks"? Can you explain??

 

And you actually have so much control over your emotional state. It's all in your head. In your head...in your head..they are fighting, with their tanks and their bombs, and their bombs and their guns. In your head, in your head, they are crying...ZOMBIE!!

 

Sorry... ;-) Love that song...

 

Anyways, if it bothers you THAT much do yourselves both a favor and let go...

[TaraMaiden]

My body is deciding my happiness, and there is little I can do about it.

 

Bull.

Your MIND is deciding your happiness. Your body, without your mind, is a heap of flesh and bones....

 

Am I destined to not be content with someone?

That depends; on whether you find your ideal (who in time, will also change, because nothing is permanent) or on whether you come to terms and amend your quest for your own personal, perfect 10.

 

I hate it that we have so little control over our emotional state.

Speak for yourself....

You lack control because you have chosen to not exert it.

In truth, your Emotions are personally created. While they exist, you should not be controlled by them.

[blombox]

Bull.

Your MIND is deciding your happiness. Your body, without your mind, is a heap of flesh and bones....

 

Your brains are part of your body... Or do you mean the psychological proces behind it? Then tell me, how does this work?

 

Speak for yourself....

You lack control because you have chosen to not exert it.

In truth, your Emotions are personally created. While they exist, you should not be controlled by them.

 

If I could, I would. Again, why would I stop my own happiness?

 

Emotions are not personally created. They are biologially hardwired. Are you saying you have full control over your emotions? Can you make yourself fall in love with any person? Even same sex?

[TaraMaiden]

That's a smoke and mirrors argument. Sexuality is biology, not emotion.

 

They are not biologically hard-wired. we are conditioned by experience to feel certain ways by circumstances.

 

And yes. I CAN control my emotions.

Anyone can.

[blombox]

That's a smoke and mirrors argument. Sexuality is biology, not emotion.

 

They are not biologically hard-wired. we are conditioned by experience to feel certain ways by circumstances.

 

And yes. I CAN control my emotions.

Anyone can.

 

Emotion is also biology, see for further study books from Paul Ekman. He is one of the greatest researchers on emotions.

 

I do agree that circumstances, history an personal experience can influence this proces. But I don't think you can completly control is.

 

If you believe you can fully control this, then tell me how I can do this, so I won't have this problem anymore.

[TaraMaiden]

It's quite simple*:

 

Realise that an experience which stimulates your emotions, may be a fixed entity, but that you will see it in different lights from day to day, even perhaps from one moment to the next. Your Emotions may be manifestations of your mind-state, but they are not permanent.

 

Emotions fluctuate, transform, evolve and change, and eventually, dissipate.

 

If they were a fixed state, you'd still be mourning something which happened in your dim and distant past, to the same level you did when it occurred.

 

Therefore, if something which happened last week, won't matter in a year - why let it consume you so much, now?

 

 

 

 

 

(*NB: 'simple' doesn't mean 'easy'....)

[Mondmellonw]

Do you still wanna be with her?

If yes, then try.

My ex told me he still loved me while we were still together.

But things went wrong. He faded away from me, emotionally (as you said)...

And I did the same.

[blombox]

Intresting. Couple of notes:

 

- Some emotions can stay for all your life. If you do not like your partner now, you have a big chance that you will not like them later (some make the mistake to marry someone they don't like and think it will het better). Also, you refer to something that happend (in the past). This is still happening, and will continue to happen in de future. So big chance it will stay this way.

 

- I've already tried to relativize this feeling, but it will not go away.

 

- How are we able to make any desicion, if we can not use our current experience?

[blombox]

Do you still wanna be with her?

If yes, then try.

My ex told me he still loved me while we were still together.

But things went wrong. He faded away from me, emotionally (as you said)...

And I did the same.

 

Part of me wants to, part of me (apparently) don't. So not completly I guess?

 

I just don't want to accept it, because I feel like I am to picky. But I can't deny my feelings.

[TaraMaiden]

- Some emotions can stay for all your life.

 

ALL emotions stay with you for life. Their intensity is your choice.

 

 

If you do not like your partner now, you have a big chance that you will not like them later (some make the mistake to marry someone they don't like and think it will het better).

Then seek the cause of the idiotic impulse that made you stay in the first place. That's not emotion, that's poor judgement and probable lack of self-esteem.....

 

Also, you refer to something that happend (in the past). This is still happening, and will continue to happen in de future. So big chance it will stay this way.

Like I said, the experience may be static. Our appraisal and response to it, is what can be different. How we do things in response to an outside event, is a choice.

 

It's ALWAYS a choice.

 

- I've already tried to relativize this feeling, but it will not go away.

You're holding on to it.

Tell me, what comfort does it bring you?

What is your pay-off for choosing to not let go?

 

 

- How are we able to make any desicion, if we can not use our current experience?

See? You use the term 'decision'. Which means you decide, you choose something.

By all means make a decision based on current experience.

Just make your decision a wise one.

 

Part of me wants to, part of me (apparently) don't. So not completly I guess?

So you see, you are choosing to succumb to a specific emotive response. So you could let go, but you have chosen not to.

 

I just don't want to accept it, because I feel like I am to picky. But I can't deny my feelings.

Nobody has said you should deny your feelings. But you should respond appropriately, not let yourself be carried by the emotion.

Any decisions based on emotion invariably lead us further into problems.

[blombox]

ALL emotions stay with you for life. Their intensity is your choice.

 

If this where true, you could react cold when you hear that your parents died. You can influence them somewhat, but not completely.

 

Then seek the cause of the idiotic impulse that made you stay in the first place. That's not emotion, that's poor judgement and probable lack of self-esteem.....

 

Ok now you're just being insulting. Idiotic impulse? Poor judgment? Lack of self-esteem? Is this your way of helping people? You could be a bit nicer you know

 

Like I said, the experience may be static. Our appraisal and response to it, is what can be different. How we do things in response to an outside event, is a choice.

 

Agreed.

 

You're holding on to it.

Tell me, what comfort does it bring you?

What is your pay-off for choosing to not let go?

 

 

Because she is special. In all other ways. But this way it can't work.

 

So you see, you are choosing to succumb to a specific emotive response. So you could let go, but you have chosen not to.

 

I can not make the desicion to make them go away. Yes I could make the desicion to ignore my feelings. But if you wan't to make your relationship durable, it's not smart.

 

Nobody has said you should deny your feelings. But you should respond appropriately, not let yourself be carried by the emotion.

Any decisions based on emotion invariably lead us further into problems.

 

Love somehow is different. What is a relationship without any positive feelings?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Please, enough!

 

Moral of the story: Let her find someone who truly can love her all the way. Move on so you can find someone you love all the way.

[TaraMaiden]

ALL emotions stay with you for life. Their intensity is your choice.

 

If this where true, you could react cold when you hear that your parents died. You can influence them somewhat, but not completely.

 

You are entirely missing the point.

I have repeatedly stated that emotions are all well and good, while we control them. You are speaking about suppression and denial, here, in describing a 'cold' reaction to a parent's death.

I'm talking about not harbouring the decision to prolong and increment the emotion unnecessarily.

Feel the emotion.

Don't inflate it beyond it's natural course....

 

Incidentally, I was at my father's side when he died. So from my own personal perspective, I knew exactly how to handle such an event....

 

 

TM: Then seek the cause of the idiotic impulse that made you stay in the first place. That's not emotion, that's poor judgement and probable lack of self-esteem.....

 

blombox Ok now you're just being insulting. Idiotic impulse? Poor judgment? Lack of self-esteem? Is this your way of helping people? You could be a bit nicer you know

 

I was actually using the term 'you' generically, not specifically. I didn't mean you personally. I meant 'you' as an enlarged perspective.

 

TM: Like I said, the experience may be static. Our appraisal and response to it, is what can be different. How we do things in response to an outside event, is a choice.

 

It's ALWAYS a choice.

 

blombox Agreed

 

 

TM:You're holding on to it.

Tell me, what comfort does it bring you?

What is your pay-off for choosing to not let go?

 

blombox Because she is special. In all other ways. But this way it can't work.

 

This isn't a response.

You're describing her, not giving your reasons for refusing to let go.

Those reasons lie within you, not on the shoulders of someone else.

 

 

TM: ....So you see, you are choosing to succumb to a specific emotive response. So you could let go, but you have chosen not to.

 

blombox I can not make the desicion to make them go away. Yes I could make the desicion to ignore my feelings. But if you wan't to make your relationship durable, it's not smart.

And still, you misunderstand, even though above, you agreed with me....

 

 

As I have stated:

 

TM: Nobody has said you should deny your feelings. But you should respond appropriately, not let yourself be carried by the emotion.

Any decisions based on emotion invariably lead us further into problems.

 

blombox Love somehow is different. What is a relationship without any positive feelings?

Love is not different. Love is an emotion just like any other. In fact, the area of the brain that makes us hate, is in such proximity to that of where love is seated, that it's as easy to hate someone as it is to love them. Therefore, love is not far removed form hate, and we are subject to feeling both, equally, often simultaneously....

 

You don't have a relationship.

Right now, it's purely one-sided, so your efforts are in vain.

That isn't Love.

It's a form of toxic attachment.

[panoramicview]

I think if your girlfriend were to read this, she would be appalled and mortified. You make it seem as though you were doing her a favor by giving her a chance, while leading her along and thinking you could do better the whole time. You said your body is the one making the decision; I assume you are withholding sex? That alone has crazy consequences on her self esteem. You are doing more harm than good holding on to someone who could find someone that adores them, even though they may not be a ten.

 

I'm speaking from personal experience, as I dated a fellow who I loved dearly, but wasn't attracted to. I was always trying to change aspect of his appearance. In the end, he found someone who accepted him the way he was, and I regretted that I didn't appreciate him.

[blombox]

Please, enough!

 

Moral of the story: Let her find someone who truly can love her all the way. Move on so you can find someone you love all the way.

 

You are right. Thank you for your advice.

 

TaraMaiden, your way of reasoning makes me tired:

 

You don't have a relationship.

Right now, it's purely one-sided, so your efforts are in vain.

That isn't Love.

It's a form of toxic attachment.

 

Yes, I have a relationship. No, it's not purely one-sided. My efforts are in vain? You said I could control the situation and now my efforts are in vain? Toxic attachement? Jeez, could your conclusions be any more random and insulting?

 

My logic is simpel: If you want a healthy relationship, you should feel confident you want to be with that person. When your emotions are telling you otherwise after only two years, its wise to listen to them. Ofcourse I could choose to be with her. Thats not the point. The point is if my emotions are ging me so much resistance, we can not have a long term healthy relationship. So even though I could choose to stay with her, that would not be wise because I would make myself and her miserabel. So even though I technically have a choice, i'm forced to break up If i want a happy future for her and me.

 

I think if your girlfriend were to read this, she would be appalled and mortified. You make it seem as though you were doing her a favor by giving her a chance, while leading her along and thinking you could do better the whole time. You said your body is the one making the decision; I assume you are withholding sex? That alone has crazy consequences on her self esteem. You are doing more harm than good holding on to someone who could find someone that adores them, even though they may not be a ten.

 

I'm speaking from personal experience, as I dated a fellow who I loved dearly, but wasn't attracted to. I was always trying to change aspect of his appearance. In the end, he found someone who accepted him the way he was, and I regretted that I didn't appreciate him.

 

You are right. I think i'm doing damage by staying with her. Everyone has the right to be with someone who can appreciate the other person.

 

If you could go back, do you think you could have done it better? In appreciating this person this person? Or would you tell yourself to find someone you would be attracted to?

Edited December 15, 2013 by blombox

[panoramicview]

I have dated men who were more attractive since he and I broke up. But he was my very best friend, and I haven't found mutual love like that since. Maybe one day I'll find someone who hits all those bases, and maybe I'll never find what we had again. Who knows. Either way, it would have been unfair for me to stay and keep trying to change aspects of his appearance or wish I was with someone more attractive.