I don't know if it's me or him

[mishy]

I need some perspective . I have posted about this guy before , it seems like he is treating me badly ,but maybe it's my fault?

 

The first time I went to his house, which was our third date/ hang out, I initiated physical contact which he rejected that night and the next day he said something cruel about not liking my hair and then i made him say nice things about me to apologise and then he made moves on me but he couldn't get it up.

 

He then said he wanted to move in together as friends and would it be ok if he brought chicks over etc. ok so I thought we re just friends and I thought he couldn't get it up because of no attraction to me.

 

Second time was last weekend and I went over. He made big move on me kissing me during a hose fight and we tried having sex again. He couldn't get it up and later when we were cuddling and I tried to initiate things he rejected me and said that it was because we weren't sexually compatible and that he thinks I will get too attached and be a bunny boiler as he puts it.

 

I was really really insulted and felt like he didnt want me there and I left. I left something there though which was jewellery and so I went back to pick it up the next day he was icy cold, as though the whole thing had been my fault.

 

I've tried to be friends with him but he is friendly one minute and ignoring me the next. I also earlier in the week said I'd help him with his erection problems if he wanted and then he finally admitted it that that was the reason, but rejected my offer of help. Anyway he's just been cold ever since kind of, and I'm trying to be friends but I am so confused .

 

I don't know whether to contact him or not contact him. And last night. I brought up the whole moving thing again via text and he said he didn't want to and " don't you remember our last meetings" and I was like yeah but I thought we sorted that out and were just going to be friends. Then he just ignored me and wouldn't reply.

 

I have some evidence though that this might be how he treats women. When I went to his house the day after he got out of hospital he needed help with his business and he asked me to go through all his phone messages and take down all the messages and phone numbers. There were literally about 20 messages from this poor woman who seemed to be really stuck on him, begging him to call her. Day after day. He was obviously ignoring her. I told him about it and he didn't seem to care.

 

I don't know, what do I do. Do I try being friends or just go? Teh last message I sent him was just saying I couldn't text anymore and if he wants to call great, but I am finding texting too difficult a way to communicate.

Edited December 14, 2013 by mishy

[mishy]

Anyone ......

[Under The Radar]

I need some perspective . I have posted about this guy before , it seems like he is treating me badly ,but maybe it's my fault?

 

The first time I went to his house, which was our third date/ hang out, I initiated physical contact which he rejected that night and the next day he said something cruel about not liking my hair and then i made him say nice things about me to apologise and then he made moves on me but he couldn't get it up.

 

He then said he wanted to move in together as friends and would it be ok if he brought chicks over etc. ok so I thought we re just friends and I thought he couldn't get it up because of no attraction to me.

 

Second time was last weekend and I went over. He made big move on me kissing me during a hose fight and we tried having sex again. He couldn't get it up and later when we were cuddling and I tried to initiate things he rejected me and said that it was because we weren't sexually compatible and that he thinks I will get too attached and be a bunny boiler as he puts it.

 

I was really really insulted and felt like he didnt want me there and I left. I left something there though which was jewellery and so I went back to pick it up the next day he was icy cold, as though the whole thing had been my fault.

 

I've tried to be friends with him but he is friendly one minute and ignoring me the next. I also earlier in the week said I'd help him with his erection problems if he wanted and then he finally admitted it that that was the reason, but rejected my offer of help. Anyway he's just been cold ever since kind of, and I'm trying to be friends but I am so confused .

 

I don't know whether to contact him or not contact him. And last night. I brought up the whole moving thing again via text and he said he didn't want to and " don't you remember our last meetings" and I was like yeah but I thought we sorted that out and were just going to be friends. Then he just ignored me and wouldn't reply.

 

I have some evidence though that this might be how he treats women. When I went to his house the day after he got out of hospital he needed help with his business and he asked me to go through all his phone messages and take down all the messages and phone numbers. There were literally about 20 messages from this poor woman who seemed to be really stuck on him, begging him to call her. Day after day. He was obviously ignoring her. I told him about it and he didn't seem to care.

 

I don't know, what do I do. Do I try being friends or just go? Teh last message I sent him was just saying I couldn't text anymore and if he wants to call great, but I am finding texting too difficult a way to communicate.

 

 

My advice: don't contact him again and move on. Why would you want to be friends with someone who goes hot and cold, insults your hair, and calls you a "bunny boiler"?

 

Mishy, you know I like you, but how are you ever going to significantly up your self-esteem hanging out with these losers?

 

Your picking the wrong people to emotionally connect with.

[mishy]

My advice: don't contact him again and move on. Why would you want to be friends with someone who goes hot and cold, insults your hair, and calls you a "bunny boiler"?

 

Mishy, you know I like you, but how are you ever going to significantly up your self-esteem hanging out with these losers?

 

Your picking the wrong people to emotionally connect with.

 

 

I just need someone to get my head straight, so what you said helps.i honestly don't know, it's just he had framed the whole thing to be my fault, when I have been nothing but understanding about his sex problem.

 

He just seemed so nice and intelligent at first. Honestly at first I really thought I'd found a great guy... I mean did I do the wrong thing at all?

[Under The Radar]

No, you did nothing wrong. Because you have low self-esteem and he's blameshifting (to avoid any guilt he might have for treating you poorly) it screws with YOUR head.

[mishy]

No, you did nothing wrong. Because you have low self-esteem and he's blameshifting (to avoid any guilt he might have for treating you poorly) it screws with YOUR head.

 

It's a really bad feeling. Like I am trying to fix something that isn't my fault. I mean he is angry at me because I walked out that night, but he had insulted me. And acts like its my fault

[Under The Radar]

and you are a master at teaching people to treat you poorly. The man you stayed with for 5 years that used you and randomly showed up when he wanted sex is a prime example of that (thank goodness that relationship is over)!

 

I don't say this to be mean or disrespectful. I say this so that hopefully you'll have more dignity and wisdom in the future with these choices your making. You won't receive any better men until you decide it's something you deserve.

[mishy]

and you are a master at teaching people to treat you poorly. The man you stayed with for 5 years that used you and randomly showed up when he wanted sex is a prime example of that (thank goodness that relationship is over)!

 

I don't say this to be mean or disrespectful. I say this so that hopefully you'll have more dignity and wisdom in the future with these choices your making. You won't receive any better men until you decide it's something you deserve.

 

When do you think it was that I taught him to treat me poorly? At what point did I make that mistake? Was it at the hair?

[mishy]

He just texted me good morning

 

It's morning here

 

After I texted him last night that I wouldn't be texting him anymore.

[todreaminblue]

when i get treated badly it flashes me back....to some not so good times.....get rid of him.........or lose yourself....as far as gettign used as a go between sexually......i dont think there is anything worse.....deb

[ExpatInItaly]

It's a really bad feeling. Like I am trying to fix something that isn't my fault. I mean he is angry at me because I walked out that night, but he had insulted me. And acts like its my fault

 

You're dealing with a guy who is rude and selfish. Why do you want to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't like you, let alone move in with him? Do not contact him any more.

[mishy]

when i get treated badly it flashes me back....to some not so good times.....get rid of him.........or lose yourself....as far as gettign used as a go between sexually......i dont think there is anything worse.....deb

 

 

The same thing has been happening to me. The flashbacks to that other guy.

 

I don't understand why I meet such losers. I mean I had an amazing dad, probably the nicest guy you could ever meet. Everybody loved him, popular, kind good looking sentimental caring....

 

So I don't understand it. There's nothing in my family life that would explain it.

[mishy]

You're dealing with a guy who is rude and selfish. Why do you want to be friends with someone who clearly doesn't like you, let alone move in with him? Do not contact him any more.

 

 

He just texted me good morning, I am not replying.

 

He does that after ignoring me last night.

[ExpatInItaly]

He just texted me good morning, I am not replying.

 

He does that after ignoring me last night.

 

Good. Do not play his mind games. What a loser

[Under The Radar]

When do you think it was that I taught him to treat me poorly? At what point did I make that mistake? Was it at the hair?

 

 

You teach him (or anyone for that matter) to treat you badly when you stick around after being insulted, ignored, abused, and used.

 

You are missing the forest for the trees here ......

[mishy]

Good. Do not play his mind games. What a loser

 

 

Last night when he said " don't you remember our last meetings" he wouldn't respond when I asked him what he meant so I ended up saying look if you want to contact me call me, I'm not texting anymore, I can't deal with the mind games, I think texting is poor communication etc.

 

He does that all the time, drops bait into a text and won't tell me what he means. So I'd had a enough of it.

 

And so this morning despite me saying im not texting he texts me good morning.

[mishy]

You teach him (or anyone for that matter) to treat you badly when you stick around after being insulted, ignored, abused, and used.

 

You are missing the forest for the trees here ......

 

Yeah I see what you mean. I keep trying to fix things, that's always my problem.

[Under The Radar]

He just texted me good morning, I am not replying.

 

He does that after ignoring me last night.

 

 

Could you text him that your friend, Under.The.Radar is thirsty, and needs a glass of water? Do you think he'll bring me a beverage if you ask nicely?

 

MISHY: The above is a joke. Under no circumstances should you text him back: IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.

[Under The Radar]

Yeah I see what you mean. I keep trying to fix things, that's always my problem.

 

 

Some things can't be fixed ...... nor should you try.

[mishy]

Could you text him that your friend, Under.The.Radar is thirsty, and needs a glass of water? Do you think he'll bring me a beverage if you ask nicely?

 

MISHY: The above is a joke. Under no circumstances should you text him back: IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE.

 

I have ignored. I specifically texted last night (and I am aware of teh irony) that I am not texting I hate texting i think its bad for relationships and he is to call if he wants to contact me.

 

So he texts me this morning, probably to test me.

[mishy]

He definitely has intimacy issues.. not sure whether it's with you or in general.

 

He admitted a few days ago that he needs to see a doctor to get it fixed.. So I don't think it's me, but he did blame me initially.

[Under The Radar]

I have ignored. I specifically texted last night (and I am aware of teh irony) that I am not texting I hate texting i think its bad for relationships and he is to call if he wants to contact me.

 

So he texts me this morning, probably to test me.

 

Exactly, he's throwing you breadcrumbs and fishing for a response.

 

The big picture though is that YOU ARE WAITING AROUND FOR HIM TO CALL. What we are telling you is that moving on (because you are healthy enough to not care if he calls) is the right move.

 

Don't waste anymore of valuable time on this guy when there's someone, out there, who will treat you well.

[mishy]

Keep in mind that doctors can't 'fix' homosexuality. I'm not sure you want to ride this out for too long. You have needs too.

 

 

When he eventually admitted a few days ago that it was an erectile issue and that he didn't want my help and he would take care of it, I just thought we would be friends so I wasn't going to wait around anyway. I mean sometimes that can never be fixed. So since then I had lost any ideas about having any kind of sexual relationship with him ever. He is straight btw

[mishy]

Exactly, he's throwing you breadcrumbs and fishing for a response.

 

The big picture though is that YOU ARE WAITING AROUND FOR HIM TO CALL. What we are telling you is that moving on (because you are healthy enough to not care if he calls) is the right move.

 

Don't waste anymore of valuable time on this guy when there's someone, out there, who will treat you well.

 

Yeah I wasn't thinking that he would call or anything, I was making plans in my head to move on. I just needed to get things straight in my head so I could begin to do that

[wavejumper]

The same thing has been happening to me. The flashbacks to that other guy.

 

I don't understand why I meet such losers. I mean I had an amazing dad, probably the nicest guy you could ever meet. Everybody loved him, popular, kind good looking sentimental caring....

 

So I don't understand it. There's nothing in my family life that would explain it.

 

There could be a plethora of reasons you form attachments with abusive and emotionally unavailable types. It sounds like you are drawn to taking on projects instead of having an ally. it is a 'fix it' mentality that gives you validation, often at the expense of your own well being.

 

Starting to recognize who you attract and where you get your validation is the first step in healing the disorganized attachments you were conditioned to expect or want.

 

good luck. this is a journey of deep discovery, and of learning how to set healthy boundaries for yourself. you deserve a loving, balanced relationship. don't throw away your 20's and beyond on losers!