Maddi Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I recently started dating a man about 6 weeks ago that I've known casually for about a year. Let's call him "J" for reference. I'm hoping someone can help shed light on my current predicament. Here's a little background: I've been separated from my husband for about 3 months. When I first met J I was married, he asked me out but obviously I declined. When I ran into him about 6 weeks ago, he asked how things were going and I let him know of my situation. He asked me out, and I agreed. From the first few moments we spent together, I could see that we had amazing chemistry. Not only that, but we were very comfortable with each other and our conversations were easy. I was able to see within the first few times we were together that this was something unlike id experienced. We've spent nearly everyday together and when we aren't together we are in constant communication. Now a little background on J: He's 40, (I'm 34), never been married. One child that's grown, and was engaged about 6 years ago but separated because of communication issues between them. He's dated several women, this I know...he doesn't even have to tell me. J has told me that he can see us together. That he doesn't want to date, or for me to be his girlfriend. Someday he'd like to get married and he pictures us together. However, he says that since I'm not divorced yet, he feels like I may change my mind and he'd get left out in the cold. He admits he's dated a lot but says it's been a very, very long time since he's felt like this. That there's just that "feeling" with me that people talk about when they talk about meeting "the one". I too have trust issues. My husband was caught cheating on me. I know that J still talks to girls that he says are friends. I don't feel that he's seeing them but because of my past this makes me a bit insecure. I feel since we aren't in a "relationship" I have no right to dictate who he speaks to at this point and I def don't want to come off as insecure. How can I tell if he's authentic or just playing mind games?
MalachiX Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 I think the first question is when do you get divorced? I think without being 100% clear that you aren't going to run back to your husband, you guys will likely have that looming over you and it might make it hard to get a good read on him or any guy you're seeing. That said, he may have his guard up for a totally different reason and is just using that as an excuse. Often people who have been playing the field for a while tend to be extra gaurded or unwilling to really open themselves up. I'd say that you should keep things going and see how they develop. The next time you guys have a "relationship" talk, I think you should be clear. Tell him you aren't going to run back to your husband and, if there's something else that is holding him back then he needs to come clean with you. 1
Author Maddi Posted December 14, 2013 Author Posted December 14, 2013 I haven't filed yet. Purely for financial reasons. However, I can see from his side how that would cause someone to be leery. I do reassure him that I'm not going to rekindle or go running back. Maybe it's just a day by day thing at this point. Its so different for me...it's been a very long time since I've dated someone and am fearful of being played or heartbroken
wavejumper Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 (edited) how long were you married for? honestly, it seems to me that you've not given yourself enough time to process the end of your marriage. you say it's been a long time since you've dated another, this is really important to acknowledge. in other words, this might be a great time to get reacquainted with yourself. sure, this may be a significant relationship, but it may just be a rebound. instead of worrying whether he's being authentic, you might consider whether you know yourself well enough to really be present in this new relationship. rebounding might not be the best thing for either one of you.... good luck. i recommend you start the divorce proceedings to end that connection for real. Edited December 14, 2013 by wavejumper 1
soccerrprp Posted December 14, 2013 Posted December 14, 2013 To be honest, no amount of words from a woman who has been separated for only a few months will comfort me. Fact of the matter is that I would never date a separated woman as it is all too frequent that they are not ready for a new relationship, inclined to go back or bring along a heavy dose of baggage and drama from such a situation. I don't know if this guy is serious, but his hesitation could be understandably justified. OP, your question is a legitimate one, but it's hard to say considering there's a very large white elephant sitting in the middle of the room....you are only separated and only for a few months.
M30USA Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 You are the one playing games if you're not divorced and still dating this man. I have no advice for you. Next.
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