Picked Up My Stuff Today

[rosedl]

I was good. I didn't try to use it as an excuse to reengage or start another conversation. I went when he wasn't home and made sure to get everything I could. I couldn't get my grill because I didn't have a truck or big car, but I am prepared to leave it or go again when I know he isn't home (its outside, so I don't have to talk to him).

 

This is the second time this year I had to pick up my stuff. I will be the last.

 

It hasn't quite fully sunk in that it is over. I know I can't go back, and all I can do is conduct myself as a person who is really broken up and not reengage further with him. Getting the stuff was important because it is easy to use any excuse to reestablish contact (from either side) and I just don't want to reengage.

 

He offered to snow blow my driveway tomorrow. Big snowstorm here tonight. It was really hard to refuse that as it would have been nice to get it taken care of and it would have been a way to reengage. But, I didn't bite. I will do it myself or get a neighborhood kid. I know that offering to help with practicalities is a way of staying in my life and monitoring if I will be a fall back girl again. Make me need him in some way. I needed him to be there for me emotionally and in love, the help is nice but I am not in a relationship for the things I can hire someone to do. Geesh!

 

Since I love him, it is all too easy to fall into the hope trap. But, after his last letter where he stated he was yet again trying to discern if he even wants to be in a relationship and stated he was exploring the wider questions around dating other people. It was arrogant. He asked me if I wanted to explore within boundaries and I replied that I wasn't going to act if I was in a committed relationship when the reality is I am not within them at all. Its none of his business what I do anymore. We aren't together, and he doesn't know if he ever wants to be together. I am going to put my life on hold for that?!

He replied it was my reactions that were killing our chances. Unreal.

 

This is why I write here. To remind myself why the stuff pick up was necessary and he is toxic for me.

[Haydn]

So dont pick up your stuff for a 3rd time ok? You have to stay away from this guy, he offers to clear snow yesterday? Why are you still talking to him? Get away, ignore, social media etc..... Yes you love him. We have all been there and its bloody hard. But you can do this. I am with you, i have been there and it hurts. You are not alone, really. Push him out of your life and ignore. Dont be on a piece of string ok. Take care and read more posts here. Haydn

 

 

I was good. I didn't try to use it as an excuse to reengage or start another conversation. I went when he wasn't home and made sure to get everything I could. I couldn't get my grill because I didn't have a truck or big car, but I am prepared to leave it or go again when I know he isn't home (its outside, so I don't have to talk to him).

 

This is the second time this year I had to pick up my stuff. I will be the last.

 

It hasn't quite fully sunk in that it is over. I know I can't go back, and all I can do is conduct myself as a person who is really broken up and not reengage further with him. Getting the stuff was important because it is easy to use any excuse to reestablish contact (from either side) and I just don't want to reengage.

 

He offered to snow blow my driveway tomorrow. Big snowstorm here tonight. It was really hard to refuse that as it would have been nice to get it taken care of and it would have been a way to reengage. But, I didn't bite. I will do it myself or get a neighborhood kid. I know that offering to help with practicalities is a way of staying in my life and monitoring if I will be a fall back girl again. Make me need him in some way. I needed him to be there for me emotionally and in love, the help is nice but I am not in a relationship for the things I can hire someone to do. Geesh!

 

Since I love him, it is all too easy to fall into the hope trap. But, after his last letter where he stated he was yet again trying to discern if he even wants to be in a relationship and stated he was exploring the wider questions around dating other people. It was arrogant. He asked me if I wanted to explore within boundaries and I replied that I wasn't going to act if I was in a committed relationship when the reality is I am not within them at all. Its none of his business what I do anymore. We aren't together, and he doesn't know if he ever wants to be together. I am going to put my life on hold for that?!

He replied it was my reactions that were killing our chances. Unreal.

 

This is why I write here. To remind myself why the stuff pick up was necessary and he is toxic for me.

[rosedl]

I am not still talking to him.

 

I asked him to let me know an appropriate time to get my stuff and he texted back today, the times he would be gone, and offered to help with snow.

 

I ignored him and just went and got my things. I left him a note that says the relationship is over and I can hire people to blow snow and told him that I am out of it.

 

I know. It is hard because it was like I was in a relationship with two different men. Grieving this in the confusion of what was real and what was not has been awful. It is clear that he doesn't want to commit to me but wants to string me along. It's mean.

 

I just have to realize that just because of I am not completely over this yet doesn't mean I am not doing well. I disengaged, got my stuff, left a note to say I was done being strung along, and ignored all the bids he made to get me to respond to him. Everyone who has been through a break up and doesn't want it but knows they have to do it....they know how hard it is to not bite that hook and reengage. Especially when THEY give you the excuse....

 

I am not doing awful. I am obsessing a bit, but I did just do a really hard thing. So, I will just notice my thoughts and bid them rational after doing something to finalize the break for real

 

Thanks